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Thursday, April 29, 2004

cranky 2

An interesting conversation I had with Jaclyn, a Korean friend of mine who happens to be dating a Malaysian dude.

Vincent : Hey...you are a Beckham fan aren't you?

Jaclyn : No. I just like the way he plays. I think he is a skilled footballer.............

Vincent : *cough cough* Yeah right....anyway...did u hear about the dude supposedly having an affair with a Malaysian born model?

Jaclyn : Really?

Vincent : Yeah. *shows her the article*

Jaclyn : Lol. You Malaysian buggers seem to be getting around everywhere eh? lol..

Vincent : *Without hesitation* Yups. Even in your pants. =P


Moral of the story : Never mess with cranky people. Cranky people can think very fast. Report still sucks.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

cranky

MSN Messenger : *tu du dung* (incoming message)

Kay : Dude.....i hav a question

Vincent :Yeah....me too...I have a lot of questions too...

Vincent : Like why do I have to type out this bloody report...

Vincent : Like why can't I get a secretary to type it out for me....

Vincent : Like why is my lecturer an ass......

Vincent : But those are not questions for you......just random questions la...so is your question for me or just a random question?

Vincent : hehehehehehehehehehehehe.........yeah...what can I do for you?

Kay : .............


Moral of the story : Sorry Kay. I am cranky. Reports sucks.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

reports

Most of us have to face writting a bunch of gibberish at some point in our lives.

The following are the types of reports most of us have to write in order of appearances in our lives:

Events report : Check this out. This sort of report rates as one of the stupidest things that teachers created. Students are faced with this in primary school. I remember my fair share of events report. We had to write a weekly composition telling our teacher what we did that past week. And like doc in his article, most of the time we had to make up some crap to write and please our teachers. Damn the teachers were sure a bunch of nosy buggers. What business of them is it what I did during my weekend? But then again....that said..........aren't blogs pretty much the same as events reports...??

Book report : This was designed by morons to encourage kids to read books. Unfortunately, these same morons have probably never read a story book in their life because they obviously didn't know that all story books have a sypnosis on the back cover. We would be asked to read a book, and then write out a sypnosis about the book as well. Blah. Stupid. All that needs to be done is to visit the school library, and copy the sypnosis at the back of the book. Then there were also kids who were too lazy even to do that, so they made up their own storybook and wrote a bunch of gibberish for the storyline. Like as if the teacher would know that the book didn't exist.

Lab report : So now that we have successfully tricked our way out of primary school, we now enter secondary school. With a huge sigh of relief, we can kiss goodbye to event reports and book reports. Say hello to lab reports. These are even worse than the previous two. Because there was no way we could get away with making up crap to write in this report. Damn, so we actually HAD TO do the lab sessions properly and to understand stuffs in order to write the report out. This got even worse in upper secondary school if you were in the science stream because you now had to write 3 bloody reports a week.

Glorified report : Next, we get to university. Suddenly, the lab reports have become more glorified. And like the earlier case of book report, now we are faced with writting glorifieds book reports as well. Sometimes we have to read journals written by people with too much free time on their hands. After reading those journals, the lecturers force us to write a summary on it, and stating whether or not we agree with it. Blah. Again, we can't make stuffs up. And unlike book reports in school, we could not just copy the sypnosis, because apparently thats called plaglarism which is pretty much something you do not want to be accused off.

Thesis : It just keeps getting worse and worse. In your penultimate year or final year of university, they force you to write a mother of all reports. Probably some 5000 word report if you are a science student, or bloody 10 000 word report for an arts student. Philosophy students are the luckiest of all, they get to write a 20 000 word story book. In this mother of all reports, we are expected to write what we have learned over the year, concentrating on a particular topic or project that we have done. Blah. Don't know anybody who has tried to make up the contents of this report. Don't reckon its a very good idea.

Job report : Ah. Finally. After 17 years of report writting in school and university, we graduate and come out in to the working world. Its great. No more crappy reports right? Wrong. Suddenly, you find that you have to write a damn report for every damn thing you do. Bloody company sends you to Alaska for a training job, you' ve got to write a report on that. They ask you to purchase a few products, you've gotta write a report on why you choose product A and not product B (probably because company A cut you a deal that would make YOUR wallet a bit fatter). And before you realise it, you are now writting reports on why the coffee maker in the pantry keeps breaking down to why you decided to hire Clown A and not Clown B as your assistant.


I retract all previous statements about event reports and book reports. I would kill to write those kinda reports again. My bloody thesis is due in on Friday and I am here writting this damn event report. Damn. And oh. *raising my mug of coffee* Cheers to another 40 years of report writting.

Monday, April 26, 2004

unscrupulous kid

Lets say your 8 year old kid asks you to buy a sponge because he needs to bring it to school for art & craft class. You drive him to the nearby convenience shop, and he asks you to buy 5 extra sponges. You ask him why, and he innocently explains that a lot of his friends will surely forget to bring their sponges, so he wants to bring extra so that they won't get a roasting from their teacher. And you think, wow, my son is such a kind boy. Later the next day when he comes home from school, you find that the bloody idiot is 10 bucks richer. Apparently, your son is not such a kind boy after all. Apparently, he sold the extra sponges to the other kids for bloody RM2 each making a 300% profit in the process. The other stupid kids needed to buy it so that they won't get a roasting from their nasty ass art teacher.

What would your reaction to that be? Scold your kid for being a dick? Or praise him and start daydreaming that he will grow up to be a successful businessman? Hell, I would be pretty darn proud of my kid if at just 8 years old he figured out the supply versus demand rule. Bloody little prick even figured out that he could charge any price he wanted and his stupid classmates would be forced to buy it if they didn't want to get punished by the art teacher.

Later, banking on his earlier success with the sponges, he also realises that a lot of kids tend to forget to bring thick drawing paper (I believe it was called Art Blocks). So the bloody twat decides to start his own business selling ONE sheet of A3 art block to desperate kids for bloody 50 cents. Business was going well for this young entrepreneur until one idiotic kid gets pissed off with him.

You see, soon after our young hero started selling Art Block, another donkey tried to copy him. But the guy was very stupid. He tried selling inferior quality art block but also at the price of 50 cents. Our hero, sensing competition, came up with a discount scheme that he learned from the junk food vendor outside the school. He actually put up a signboard on his desk saying that 1 piece cost 50 cents, but if you buy two pieces at once, you could get the option of buying the third piece at half price.

So the other kid gets pissed off and goes crying to the teacher that nobody wants to buy the Art Block from him. The teacher, oblivious of what was going on all the time started investigating. Bloody bitch of an old hag found out that half the class was actually buying the stuffs from me (yes, in case any of you didn't get it earlier, I was the young hero). She demands that I return all the bloody money to other kids whom I conned. WTF?? I was running a legitimate business. Nobody asked them to forget to bring their own art block, and nobody forced them to buy it from me.

Bloody bitch of a retarded cow then started scolding me telling me what I did was wrong. Apparently, she said, it was not a very nice thing to sell things above the cost price because that would be "not very nice". Fucking hell, not only was she a shit teacher, she was also a shit business person. Which bloody business man sells things at cost price? When I told the bloody bitch that I didn't have enough money on me, since she demanded that I pay back all the kids for all the previous Art Blocks that I sold to them, she called up my mum.

My mum obviously had no idea what was going on. I used the money from the sale of the sponges to buy the art blocks, and used the profits from there to buy some more. And I did it all by myself. Cycled my ass to the stationary shop and everything. Bitch ass starts talking to my mother complaining to her about me conning the little kids. Whatever it is, they settle some stuffs in the staff room and my mum took me home.

I was thinking, Fuck, I am going to get a roasting when I get home. Probably get grounded or something. Sitting in the car as my mum was driving home, she didn't say a word. On the way home, she stopped by 7-11 and bought me a big fat ice-cream. While eating the ice-cream, all she said was, "Your teacher doesn't want you to sell anymore stuff in school." "Ok mum." Damn I was beaming with pride. Bloody proud of myself. Later that night, as I was sleeping, my dad came home late from work. I might have been dreaming, but I could have sworn I heard my mum telling my dad what I did, and both of them were laughing their heads off.

Its not right to scold smart assed kids for using their head. If at all, the ugly bitch teacher should have scolded me was for the "discount scheme" because it didn't really work out. Nobody wanted to buy 3 sheets of paper at a time. FUCK. A blemish on my business CV.

insects love me

Its officially spring now. Flowers have started blooming. Birds are chirping 24 hours a day. Insects are flying everywhere. And its too freaking hot for my liking.

Spring time also means BBQ season. I was happily chomping down my burnt hamburger and a very very burnt chicken drumstick when suddenly, I got swamped by three irritating insects intent on eating me alive. There was a fly, a praying mantis and a millipede.

The fly started by hoovering around my nice Manyoo jersey. Like all flies, it was barfing out its digestive fluids all over me. Particularly my Manyoo jersey. I kept swatting it away, but it kept coming back and only aimed for the jersey. Bet it would be a different case had I been wearing an Arsenal jersey saying Reyes at the back. Damn anti-Manyoo fly.

The praying mantis saw that I was a member of the male species and decided to start munching off my head, cause apparently, I am a chauvanist when all I did was say that most insect's can't swim for shits. Also, another reason was because I said that humans as opposed to insects are not supposed to use wings. Mind you, this coming from a creature which bites of the head of its male mate after copulating.

Millipede on the other hand, was there to compliment everything the fly and the praying mantis did. It argued that insects could actually swim, although this same millipede nearly drowned when trying to swim two days before.

Damn insects. All my life, insects just seem to love to BUG me. Hmmmmmmmmmm..............

Sunday, April 25, 2004

sad guys

The unwritten rule among the male species is that you NEVER EVER try to court a girl which your good friend tried courting first. Its sometimes ok if you ask your good friend permission to go out with his-ex. But it is very well understood that if your good friend has had his eyes on a girl for a damn long time, its not right that you jump in and try to win her over too. Recently an interesting situation cropped up, where THREE of my moronic friends were screwing over each other for a girl.

When I say screwing, I don't mean copulating. I mean tarnishing each other's image. Making an ass out of themselves and each other. Over a girl. Now, lets consider what so attractive about this girl, Cinderella. Cinderella is what I call cute. Not hot, not chune, but cute. She is fairly attractive and small sized. She is the type of girl you could actually fit in your shirt pocket and take her everywhere you go. She has a beautiful smile with curvy indented dimples on the apples of her cheek.

But thats about all the plus points for Cinderella. She has got ZERO personality and ZERO sense of humour. My friends are all dirty buggers. They are like walking joke books, only thing is that their encyclopediec knowledge of jokes is not suitable for kids below 15. So, how is it that they decided that the "girl of their dreams" would be a girl as pure as Lisa Simpson beggers all believe.

So, these three morons, who were pretty good friends less than a month ago have declared war on each other, each of them spreading more lies and propoganda than George Bush and Tony Blair combined. Cinderella remains unmoved by their undying thirst and committment to her cause. I suspect that she is actually playing around with them. But hell, I would do the same if I were in her shoes. The three muskateers have succeeded well enough in making complete asses of themselves and it is extremely comical as a third party looking in.

I watched 'A Beautiful Mind' a freaking long time ago, and I am no Economics student, so I might be a bit wrong on the points here. But basically, John Nash's theory in Economics is simplified by the following term : "If all the guys go for the blonde, it spoils the market, hence they should divert and focus their attention to the brunette." Nash figured this out when he was sitting in a pub with his friends. A blonde and a brunette walked in and all his friends wanted to buy the blonde a drink while nobody gave two hoots about the brunette although she was equally attractive........or something along those lines.

The point is, by going for Cinderella at the same time, the 3 Muskateers only succeeded in making an ass of themselves. In addition to that, they made Cinderella feel like a hot desirable babe, something which she is not. That only serves to make her arrogant and guys in the future would find it hard to court her as she now thinks that she is "hot stuff" (ie. in Nash's terms, spoiling the market). Also as a result, other girls looking at the situation would see how ridiculously stupid they are and it screws up their chances with the other girls in the future. If only they could open their eyes to the array of other delicious delicacies out there (ie: the brunette), this problem would not occur in the first place and they would still be good friends.

Moral of the story : Testosterone screws up your ability to think.

Saturday, April 24, 2004

who the fuck are you?

I was waiting for my friend in the bus stop today. I struck the lottery that day and decided to take up a part time job as a loan shark. So while waiting for her to come and pay me my weekly interest, I was standing there looking particularly bored.

And dunno what was the matter, but a lot of people seemed to keep passing the bus stop. People I knew. Some said hi and waved. Two of them I knew stopped for a chat with me. No biggie.

Suddenly, I see this tall chap walking towards me. From damn far away, he saw me and started waving. So okla, I waved back out of politeness (I am a damn fucking polite person you see).This dude walks towards me. Lets call him Bob since I dunno his name. So Bob comes up to me and starts a conversation.

Bob : Hey Vincent! What's up man. Haven't seen you in ages.

Vincent : Err...good. I am fine (but I am thinking, who the fuck are you?)

Bob : So exams coming up yeah? Hows your preperations?

Vincent : Okla. Usual stuffs la. Stressed. (I am actually not that stressed, but it seems that near exam time everybody says that they are stressed up. Also I am still thinking, who the fuck are you?)

Bob : Wahahaha. Don't worry la, I am sure you are smart enough.

Vincent : Nola. 3rd year already. Not easy. (But what the hell did I say that made you laugh? And this guy is definately not my coursemate, who the fuck is he? And why is he trying to butter my ass?)

Bob : bla bla bla teh yhejage eanea e gaeng asaaqwhpt eaf neaje.

Vincent : Yeah man. (I might have seen his face before. But I sure as hell have not spoken to him before)

Bob : eaena tila ahaepet?

Vincent : Yeah, next week. (Ok, starting to get irritated. He is trying to come up with some small talk jargon. Not too fucked about what he is saying. Just can't bloody figure out where I saw him before)

Friend comes to pay me the protection fee.

Vincent : Aaaah, my friend is here! See you around. (But still don't know who you are)

Bob : Yeah, bye Vincent.


Bob, if you are reading this, sorry mate. I have no damn clue who you are. Maybe you can tell me another day.

Friday, April 23, 2004

racism?

*Controversial blog. Read the damn disclaimer first*

Some football fans will probably know about the latest hoo-hah in the footballing world. Ron Atkinson, a pundit for ITV was forced to resign over some "racist" remarks. Now, Big Ron, as he is more fondly known, is a damn lovable character, although he is a crap commentator and a horrible pundit.

So, what racist remarks were there? Apparently, Big Ron is also a big moron. After the game, he took off his headset and microphone and was talking to somebody in the studio about the game. However, the microphone did apparently pick up the following line where he was talking about the Chelsea captain, Marcel Desailly : "He is what is known in some schools as a fucking lazy thick nigger." The broadcast had already gone off the air here in England, but apparently, they continue transmitting it in the Middle East, where a lot of people heard his remarks.

Now, don't get me wrong. Big Ron, as I said, is a crap pundit. So its better that he resigns so that football fans don't have to listen to anymore of his jargon. And for what he said, as long as there was cursing (ie. saying "fucking") he has to resign. Bad mistake, but sorry. The aftermath was somewhat more interesting. The press as well as a lot of other people hounded him for being a racist.

Racism? In my opinion, the only crime Big Ron is guilty off is pure downright stupidity. Analysing his quote, he did call Desailly a "fucking lazy thick nigger". But isn't that an insult to Desailly himself? A racist remark would sound like "Desailly is a typical fucking lazy thick nigger" in which he would be stereotyping and insulting all black people. But the context of the sentence, he was insulting Desailly alone and not the entire black race.

Another case was in 1995 when Eric Cantona got red carded. As he was walking off the field, a fan called him a "French motherfucker." The King got pissed and kungfu kicked the idiot there and then. This would normally result in a jail term for assault. But his appeal was successful and he got away with community service because of what the fan said - "a racist remark which incensed Cantona." Pardon me! But I reckon a lot of people have a crap command of the English language! "French motherfucker" means that he felt Cantona was a motherfucker who was French - no direct reflection on the French people. A racist remark would have sounded "Motherfucking French" - meaning that he felt French people were motherfuckers.

I reckon this is all a case of a lot of sensitive people out there. I suspect Big Ron was forced to resign because he said the word "nigger." It is a derogatory term, yes. It might just be me, but I come from a land where every race has derogatory nicknames and not too many people give a hoot about it. The whites are called "gwei-lo" meaning Ghost Man for their fair skin. Indians are called blacks. Chinese guys like myself are refered to as Cinapek, or Ah Pek (don't know how to translate that). Malay women wearing headscarves are referred to as "pao tao" meaning Wrapped Head.

But think about it. Are they really derogatory names or do we perceive it to be such? In rap songs, the most common example, the rappers refer to themselves and other blacks as niggas. I don't see anybody calling them racists. Oh, but then its not racism if you "insult" your own race is it? Back to where I was, in school, we went around calling people names like there was no end to it. Thinking about it now, it MIGHT have been a bit sickening, but as kids, we didn't really give two hoots about it.

There was an American guy who got so used to people calling him a "gwei-lo" that he went around proudly announcing that :"I am a gwei-lo and I am proud about it." Frequent readers of my blog would probably remember two characters, Joe and Dicky. Joe is Indian, and Dicky a Chinese. They would affectionately call each other an Ah Pek and a Black Chicken, and laugh about it. In fact, let me correct that statement. In Form 5, I think they never called each other by name, each time they addressed each other, it was by those two nicknames. But neither of them got pissed off. Hell, nobody overhearing their conversation got pissed off.

Racism, is where a person of a certain race is denied certain rights. Name calling is not a matter racism. Its a matter of sensitivity and pure idiocy. You may say that Joe and Dicky were probably joking around with each other and having a laugh, so it was alright. If thats the case, then we adults should probably learn to joke around and have a laugh as well eh?

PS2

What do women's breast and Playstation have in common?
~Think about it while reading the article~

My thumb is all sore after something like 4 straight hours playing on a PS2. George bought it when he went back to Malaysia about 3 weeks ago. So, me and another friend, Kay went to his house to play the new stuff. Kay, like every other girl, sucks in computer and video games.

The funniest was when we played Grand Torismo (or however you spell it). Seriously, I haven't met any girl who can play a racing game properly. I think it is a direct reflection on their driving skills. Kay, is no exception. I don't think women understand the concept that when the car reaches a corner, you are supposed to TURN and not ram straight into the turning sign. Also, when the damn car is drifting, she couldn't seem to understand that jamming braking would cause the car to spin more.

Brakes also exist for a reason, to slow the car down before it reaches a corner, not after it crashes and the car starts spinning, a concept which she couldn't grasp very well. And on one occasion, she drove the car in the wrong direction for half a lap before realising it. Also wonder why, in racing games, we all tend to move our bodies in the direction of the car. Like as though moving our bodies in that direction is going to help the car negotiate a sharp turn?

All in all, a lot of laughing until my stomach hurt. But I still can't get over the bad design of the PS2 controller. The 4 direction arrows are seriously very very badly designed. 4 hours of GT, ProEvo Soccer and Tekken only serves to kill all the receptors in the front part of your thumb. Someone ought to shoot the engineers which designed it. I mean, the arrows are freaking hard plastic. At least put some rubbery stuff there la. Thumb still hurts as I typing this.

Still can't figure out the answer to the riddle?

Similarity between women's breasts and PS2 :

Both of them were created to SERVE kids, but both are more widely used as ENTERTAINMENT for full grown men.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

sly kid, part 2

The incident with Yolk this morning really got me thinking. You know those ridiculous surveys going around in e-mails and in Friendster? Where you have to fill up a series of ridiculous questions and send it to your friends? It includes questions like, whats your favourite colour, whats your favourtie drink, and after a while it gets even steamier. Have you ever been kissed? Has your heart been broken? Bla bla bla.

I have never filled up any of that before. And never intend to start. I have always wondered what the purpose of those surveys were for. I am a strong believer that everything has a purpose for existance. Useless things simply cease to exist. So I could never understand why they existed because in my opinion, they served no purpose at all.

Yeah, it may be fun to fill up, but why send it to a bunch of people and tell them very very private stuff for? In any case, I wouldn't give two hoots whether my friend's heart has been broken before, or whether he had his first kiss at the age of 13. Well, maybe my best friend, or my close friends, but certainly not just any ordinary friend. So either way, it doesn't make much sense. The sender, surely won't want the whole world to know what he thinks. And the receiver, surely won't give much of a rat's ass about his friend's first kiss.

Then it suddenly hit me just now. The sender doesn't want everybody to know. Just ONE particular person. But he has to send it to everybody to "disguise" his sly plan. What easier way to let a girl to know your likes/dislikes by sending her an A-Z listing of EVERYTHING you like? And what better way find out about a person than to send her a bleeding FAQ and persuading her to "take part in this FUN survey." And reverse psychology also comes into play. Sometimes, one of the survey questions ask, right at the end, who do you think will be the least likely to reply this survey? Bingo! You put the target person's name there. Guaranteed the fella will reply.

Or can even take this one step further. Desperate people, trying to hook up, will send the survey to as many people as possible and hope that a lot of people reply it. Then, they can go through the replies like a boss going through the CVs of a bunch of job applicants. The CV he likes best, thats the one he employs. Damn what a bloody good idea.

Kids these days. They may not like camping. They may be a bunch of fat cows who watch tv all day. They may not know how to fly a kite, or catch fish in the drain. But they sure as hell are a bunch of bloody sly creatures. *tsk tsk tsk - shakes head in disbelieve, not for the first time today*


**Post publication update (22/4) - I received one of those survey things on Friendster this morning...from Yolk...proves my theory correct!**

sly kid

Everyday when I wake up, first thing I do is check my computer as I never switch it off even during the night. Last night, a lot of people left me a message when I was sleeping. There was a message from Yolk. He is this Form 4 kid, one of my scout juniors.

Yolk : Vincent, I need your help.

Vincent : *yawn* What you want? Another debate ar? (Some of you might remember, this is the dude who had asked my help for a debate last time)

Yolk : No no. I need you to write me a nice testimonial for Friendster. Faster faster.

Vincent : *yawn* I just wake up la. Whats the hurry?

Yolk : No la. No hurry. Please write me a nice one ok.

Vincent: *yawn* Why? You trying to impresses kiddy girls is it?

Yolk : No la, just write la. Not to impress people.

Vincent : Tiu. You think I stupid ar? If not, why are you in such a hurry. Here's what I think. I think you want to add this chick on your list. But your testinomials not nice enough. So you want people to write nice one for you as soon as possible, so you can add her as soon as possible. Correct?

Yolk : .........

Vincent : Damn I am good. Should be studying psychology. Haiyah. No good to be so fake you know. Don't go trick little girls like that la. You have to be yourself. Chicks dig that.

Yolk : No little girls la. Just want my Friendster details to look nice.

Vincent : Haha. You think I am another little girl is it? So easy to bluff ar?

Yolk : Please pls pls pls pls.....I will write nice one for you so that girls can see.

Vincent : No need. Do I look like a person who uses such lame tactics?

Yolk : Aiyah really la. I just want to make it look nice.

Vincent : Ok la. Whats her name on Friendster. Show me her page. If she is hot I help you la. But if she looks like a deformed cow, then don't waste my time. Cuz I know you will dump her after a while. Also ar, why you want to impress her so badly? You going to marry her ar?

Yolk : No la. No chick la. Really.

At that point, I was lazy to argue with him any further. I wanted to brush teeth, take a shit, and then have lunch. I wrote him one anyway. A very sarcastic one. Vincent style.

Very dissapointed in kids these days. Even more sly than me. *tsk tsk tsk - shakes head in disbelieve* Really.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

farm tales

Once upon a time in the far away land of Malaysia, an old farmer lived with his old wife in a small little farm. It could hardly be called a farm because it didn't have many animals. But it did have a variety of farm animals. The old man had a cow which provided them with their daily supply of milk. There was also a chicken which laid an egg every single day which the old couple were more than content with. The goat, although old still produced its fair share of milk which the old lady would use to make cheese. Every animal on the farm served its purpose...except the fat pig.

All the fat pig knew was to sit in the pile of mud all day long. The other animals had no idea why their master kept him. They all knew that as long as they produced their milk or laid their eggs, the farmer would keep them alive.

One day, the pig complained :

Pig : The master serves me horrible food.

Cow : What the fuck are you talking about? Goat and myself, we have to eat the grass by the roadside.

Chicken : Yeah, you get the best food of all. You get human food. Master even had to pay the restaurant money to get them to sell the leftover human food. And its all for you. All I get to eat is a few grains of rice and worms.

Goat : Yeah you stupid fuck. And at least we serve our master. You sit in the mud all day and do nothing.

Pig : Yes. But I think the farmer is an asshole. He thinks he is very smart by letting me lie in the mud. But I actually do not like it.

Chicken : Then why the fuck do you lie in the mud the whole day then since you claim that you don't like it?

Cow : Yeah, everyday some more. And not only do you lie in the mud. You actually play with it. Make mudcakes and everything. And its not as if he force you to stay in the mud pit. He just build the pit, you choose to go there only mah. Every morning I see, first thing you do when you wake up, you go to the mudpit and play. You don't like it mah, so why do you still do it?

Pig : Cause I got nothing else to do in life mah. Unlike you all, I have no function in life. I serve no purpose to society and to my master. So since I have nothing to do, and since the sohai master provides a mud pit for me, I might as well use it lor.

Goat : You hopeless moron. Since you think the master is an asshole and a sohai, and you don't like his mudpit, then what the hell are you still doing here? I mean, its not as if you contribute to him also. Go find another farm la.

Cow : Yaler, plus it won't affect any of us. You see, if I am not happy and I leave, then master has no milk to drink, then he will try to get more milk out of Goat and that wouldn't be good for Goat's health. If Chicken leaves, master has no eggs, then he would have to sell the milk from either Goat or myself and that would pressure both of us to produce more milk. Again not good. But you can get lost and we don't care.

Chicken : You are damn fucking fake la. We know you love the mud. Just that you won't admit it.

Bird (which happenned to be flying by) : Yaler. You retarded is it?

Farmer's Cat (which overheard the conversation) : Why you tell us for? When you meet farmer face to face bet you got no balls to tell him. Like stupid mouse hiding in a hole only, trying to mock me from his hole, but when see me in the kitchen the bastard run like fucks.

Pig : Wah, you all so rude! I was being civilised with you all but you answer me so rudely.(Goes back and lies in the mud again)

Pig then decides to irritate the farmer. He started by shitting in the mud pit. Farmer then tells him politly not to do that. Then Pig spits out all the food that the farmer bought for him. Now, this pisses off the farmer. Don't like don't eat la. Why must eat and then spit out? Farmer then brings Pig to slaughter house and it is only then that the animals discover that pigs are actually useful animals.

Their legs, can make "ju-kiok" cooked with rice wine. Their intestines, ears, tongue and blood can be boiled and eaten with porridge. Damn bloody nice summore. Especially the blood. After it solidifies, smooth like taufu only. Intestines also. Put kicap and eat with porridge. Heaven on earth. Then leh, can take the fatty parts and make "siew yoke" for the Chinese people and make bacon for the English people. The ribs can be sold to TGI Fridays where they take it and cook it with Jack Daniels. Bloody delicious. And when done, can give the bones to the dog to eat.

Moral of the story : Some homo sapiens are like pigs - useless and a burden to the society. They are creatures that only their mothers will love. For everybody else, the pig/human is better off when dead.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

uncomprehensible

The subject in question is why people in KL (Kuala Lumpur, capital city of Malaysia) like to drive with their windows wound down? Everywhere you go you see morons driving around with their windows down. Most of them are smokers. Most of them like to stick one hand out the window.

But why? First logical answer is that they smoke, and hence they need to wind down the windows to let the smoke out. But smokers are never logical people anyway. Since they like the smoke so much, why are they letting the smoke out the window? Surely they would want to breathe in every single molecule of that tar/nicotine/shit/crap/poo infested smoke? If they were so worried about air circulation, then why smoke in the first place?

Even more amusing are the people who don't smoke but drive with their windows down. Lets face it. Its KL. The air is bloody dirty. Filled with carbon monoxide which is not good for you. If you are driving up Genting Highlands where the air is cool and fresh, fair enough. But surely not in KL? So its definately not cause of the fresh air.

Then I found out the reason when I went on a trip to Langkawi with my college buddies 2 years ago. That trip taught me that there are a lot of stupid people in the world. We got this private taxi dude to take us from the jetty to the other side of the island. He told us that he would charge us RM5 more if we wanted to use the air-cond in the car. Being students on a damn tight budget, we agreed not to use the air-cond.

So this moron starts driving us around in this Kancil (Malaysian car, very small). Now, the Kancil firstly has a very very shit aerodynamic design. This is because its backside is a flat, as in almost perpendicular to the roof, hence the air flow does not travel smoothly. Because of this, the drag force on the car is damn high, thus increasing fuel consumption.

Now, the reason he charged us RM 5 less to ride without the air-cond was that apparently it would save petrol. True, but only if we ride in the car with the windows up, then no petrol would be wasted powering the air-cond. Wind down the windows and you will get air rushing into the car from all 4 windows, and getting trapped in the back with no way out. Bad air flow motion. Doing that actually increases the drag on the car exponentially. Which means that much more fuel would be required to power up the car to a given speed compared to when the windows are down.

In the end, these morons lose more money cause they charge much less for people to ride without air-cond, but pay more for the petrol consumption at the end of the day. Fine, its not their fault that they didn't learn about geeky aerodynamic shits. But surely, if you operate a cab or drive a car for a while, and when you buy petrol, surely you do notice after a while the number of kilometers travelled under a full tank? Surely then, you would be able to compare which of the methods would be more economical?

But then again, we have already established that this planet is infested with morons.

Monday, April 19, 2004

small big kids

I remember the days in primary school when Mechanical Pencils were non-existant and nobody used them. Everybody used the traditional wooden pencil which you had to sharpen when it got blunt. Pencil sharpeners were also not that cool. In school, kids used the small hand held ones with a simple blade fixed to it and you had to turn it manually. At the back end of those sharpeners was usually a mirror.

Have got no idea which smart alec manufacturer decided to put a mirror there. They could have put a flat plastic back printed with a picture of Mickey Mouse, Optimus Prime or Lion-O. But no, they just had the brilliant idea to put a mirror.

Give a kid anything unnecessary and they will think of something to do with it. Older kids (11 or 12 year olds) who were starting to reach puberty had especially fond ideas. Drop the mirror one the floor as a girl was walking past and you can see what your future would be like. Of course, I didn't do any of that. (Really) Those were stories my older cousin told me (REALLY!! By the time I reached that age, everybody was using mechanical pencils and hence no need sharpeners). The girls though, were different. Somehow, they took good care of their sharpeners careful never to break the mirror. Cause someone told them that breaking a mirror would result in you having bad luck for 7 years. Needless to say, on the rare occasion that a girl actually broke her mirror, she would get upset and cry over it.

The younger guy kids had other better ideas for the mirror. Science presents itself in mysterious ways. Even 4 or 5 year old kids would know that mirror reflects light, sunlight especially well. We also deduced that it would reflect it at a certain angle. This helped very well in the early hours of the morning when the teacher was writting some crap on the blackboard. The early morning sunshine would flood the room, and everybody would whip out their mirrors to reflect the sun to a point on the ceiling. What the hell for, I have no idea. Later someone discovered that it would be very funny to reflect the sunshine onto the teacher's ass as she was writting on the board. It looked like a laser beam was burning her ass. Funny shits.

Today was the first day of uni after a month-long holiday. The lecturer, usually a funny chap was unusually boring today. And during the holidays, some wise ass had the brilliant idea to remove the curtain rails to change it or something. Whatever it was, the classroom didn't have any curtains this morning and the 11 o'clock sun was bathing the room with its gold light.

Two blokes at the back of the class had a brilliant idea to do something that I haven't done in 12 years. Bloody full grown morons. I reckon 21 or 22 years young. Using their watches to reflect the sunshine on to the lecturer's body part. First they gave him two beams on sunshine on his imaginary tits. Next they decided to shine his dick area on the pants. That was pretty much an obvious move.

The class noticed it and started giggling. Lecturer thinks that his jokes are funny. Doesn't suspect shits. Finally they decided to shine one beam into each eye. Try saying, "Bloody hell. The darn sun is get'ing into me eyes!" in deep Scottish accent. He then proceeds to curse the entire maintainance department. Cursing that they are affecting his ability to teach. Cursing that it disrupts our concentration. And well, cursing everything under the sun.

Hmm, we all love to be kids again, eh?

itchy men

Hahaha. I was checking my nedstats just now. Among the keywords that brought visitors to my page was the name of Andrea Veronica Fonseka. Two days after we crown a new Miss Malaysia, there are a lot of itchy people searching for her website or a picture of her on the net to oggle at.

I blogged about her on Friday. Within the space of 2 days (and weekends on top of that where most people don't use the net) a total of 9 people searched out her name hoping to find a fan club website or a site which they can wank off to or something like that.

Conclusion : A lot of itchy and horny men out there...


*Post publication entry (22/4) - Nedstats could only track the last 100 visitors to the site. At one point, out of the last 100 who found my site through a link, an amazing 36 people found it from Google while searching the 3 keywords - Andrea Veronica Fonseka. Really itchy men indeed!*

Sunday, April 18, 2004

pop up ads

Don't know which fucking site I visited two days ago, suddenly a 100 new windows opened up. Since then, everytime I open Internet Explorer, another 5 new windows open promoting all kinds of shits. And because my notebook has been giving me problems, 3 out of 5 times, it crashes when all those fucking windows pop up.

As I restarted my old buddy (lets call him Acer) just now, for the fifth time in an hour, and as his cooling fan rotated its last few rotations, I could hear him curse all the assholes involved in this shit - the bloody low life fuckhead who came up with the idea of pop up ads, the retarded computer programmers who helped him develop pop up ads, as well as the bankrupt companies desperate for business that they had to resort to fucked up advertising tactics.

Its spring now, and there are a shit load of bloody irritating birds chirping away outside my room. As it was a little too noisy, I could only make out a few of Acer's curses that he made as air friction slowed down the fan rotation until it came to a grinding halt. Among which were :

1) Curse those bastards to having a cockroach getting lodged in their anuses, thus permanently sealing their assholes shut so that no shit can ever come out of their already full-of-shit bodies. And if I heard correctly, Acer also cursed them so that the shits stuck in them would after a while take the form of a baby, and that would be the only way they can reproduce.

2) Curse all their female descendants for 7 generations to having a moustach as well as armpit hair as long as a horse's dick. Make it so that the hair regenerates super fast, so that shaving the moustach and the armpit hair will have no effect.

3) Curse all their male descendants to lacitate through their 50 cent sized tits for all eternity.

4) Curse them that all of them get buried together in the same place when they die, and that the burial ground in the future will be used as an oxidation pond for sewage waste.

Fucking low life retards. Wonder which dumb fuck came out with the pop-up ads idea. Common sense tells you that people won't want to buy your product if they get pissed off at you. That is why, ladies and gentlemen, you have to ensure that you look after your kids and educate them properly, so that they don't grow up to be a garbage of society.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

unlucky

Unlucky is a term which is fucking overused. Every single misfortune people have, they blame it on luck. A lot of losers these days like to do that. Let me clear things up.

Unlucky is when you buy lottery every week for 30 years and haven't won a single cent.
Unlucky is when you step out of your house and an asteroid drops on your head.
Unlucky is when your hamster, cat, dog and fish dies on the same day.

But do not fucking blame luck when :

1) You do not study the entire syllabus and try to predict exam questions. Don't fucking say that you are unlucky cause the questions you studied for did not come out. Blame yourself for being a lazy fuck and not studying the entire syllabus.

2) You do not find out enough about a person before going out with them, resulting in the fella chucking you after a few weeks. Especially if it happens all the time. Don't blame Cupid that you are "unlucky" in your love life. Blame yourself for being so bleeding stupid.

3) You have been working in the same job for 15 years and haven't got a promotion. Blame yourself for not being good enough.

Luck is the ability to take opportunity of a beneficial situation. If you find a block of gold lying on the street, but you are not strong enough to pick it up, whose fault is it? Couple of minutes later, another bloke comes along and manages to pick it up with ease. Chance is lost. Do you blame yourself for not being strong enough to pick it up, or do you blame luck for making that block of gold too heavy?Opportunity presented itself, but you could not take advantage of it because of your inadequecies.

Now, you continue walking down the street and you find another block of gold. Or what looks like another block of gold. Its the same size as the previous one. To your surprise, you manage to pick this one up. Its really heavy but you manage to carry it home. When you reach home, you find that its not gold but a big fat rock painted with gold coloured paint. You get pissed and blame your bad luck.

You knew it could not possibly be gold because its the same size as the earlier block but it was lighter. But subconciously, you led yourself to believe it was gold. Just to make up for the earlier dissapointment of not being able to pick up the first block of gold. Is it luck's fault that you did not use your head to think?

Think of all these in relative terms and stop blaming your shit luck and get on with your damn life.

Friday, April 16, 2004

learning science

It is said that the best way to learn science is to learn in practically, in a hands-on method. Therefore, the government spends millions of ringgit each year to build science labs in schools. Extra costs are put in to ensuring that students are exposed to proper equipment to quench their thirst for scientific knowledge.

I learned many many things in science labs, both in school and in college. All of them teaching me a great deal of things about life. Among the stuffs I learned :

1) Ants have no facial expressions.
I don't think they have muscles on their face to show happiness or suffering. This was learned in Form 2 when the science teacher brought in a few microscopes to the lab. She asked us to go to the garden outside and pluck out some leaf or some shit like that. We reckoned, plants are boring. Who the hell is bothered what a leaf looks like? We decided to catch a few ants. Brought them back to the lab. First we killed an ant and put the bugger under the microscope. Boring. The bugger was already dead, all we could see was a magnified version of his head and body.

Then someone had a fucking brilliant idea. We poured some glue on the glass slide, and then threw a couple of ants into the glue. We watched them struggle to get free under the microscope. Poor bastards, imagine having to live a life without being able to express yourself. Even when they so noblely sacrificed themselves to quench our curiosity, they could not laugh or cry. All they could do was keep moving their legs frantically. And then die. Such noble creatures.


2) Cockroaches can swim well in water, but cannot swim in alcohol.
I knew all along that these bloody creatures can swim in water. When I was small, I caught a cockroach and threw the bugger in the toilet bowl. He floated and swam to the side. Then, I flushed the toilet. Still, regardless of the whirpool and all that water turbulence, the bloody bastard refused to get flushed into the sewer where he belongs.

Fast forward to the year 2000. My biology teacher was a mamak (half Indian, half Malay). One day, she brought 6 live cockroaches to class and asked us to disect them. God knows where the hell she found 6 bloody live cockroaches. Probably in her husband's mamak stall (mamaks in Malaysia are famous for their good food served in roadside stalls). Anyways, she asked us not to stomp on the fella. Seems we had to maintain his ugly body shape so that we could look at it properly. Not very useful to us if he was mashed up pulp. To do that, we had to put him in a container. Then we had to soak a piece of cotton wool with alcohol and throw it in the container. He will then get dizzy cause of the alcohol fumes and pass out. Or so it seems.

Our bloody specimen must have been a mutated motherfucker. We threw in 3 bloody pieces of alcohol soaked cotton wool but the bastard still didn't die. Instead, he got high on the fumes and started clubbing in the plastic container. Bastard kept running around the container like as though its a dance floor. Mamak woman asked us not to be impatient and wait for him to pass out. We waited for 2 hours but still nothing happened. Well, ok, it was 2 minutes but the asshole was still dancing around. We got fed up and poured half a bottle of alcohol into the container to flood it. Stupid bastard thought it was water and tried swimming. Serves him right when he finally drowned and died. We also learned that cockroaches are not as noble as ants.


3) Chewing gum disintegrates in boiling water, but hardens in acid.
This was the most important thing I learned in Chemistry class in college. We had to heat up the acid for an experiment. The method for doing that is to boil water and then put the test tube with acid into the boiling water. Can't remember what we had to do with the acid after that. But anyways, after we finished the experiment, we looked around the class and found out that we were a bunch of efficient fuckers. We had our results and everything but the other groups were not even half way done.

So, since the water was still boiling, we decided to throw our chewing gum inside to see what happens. So, 2 of us decided to sacrifice our chewing gums and dropped it into the beaker. Instantly, we could see it losing its shape. Started melting. And formed a goo at the bottom of the beaker. Like melted tar. Fuck. Then someone decided to put his remaining chewing gum into the test tube of acid. And for some fucking reason, it turned into stone. No shits. After we poured out the acid and washed that chewing gum in water, we threw that piece of gum on the table, and it bounced! Obviously didn't bouce like a ball, but still did bounce 2mm off the surface of the table. As for the goo stuck at the bottom of the other beaker, we poured away the water and put the beaker on another table so that we won't be blamed for it. That was definately one of my most productive days in college.

I will blog more on this title another day.

bimbo

Read today's news about the new Miss Malaysian Universe 2004.

Wow. Got 3 names. Andrea Veronica Fonseka. So posh. Must be some rojak* I thought. True enough, every blood type also she got. Chinese, Philipino, Singhalese, Portugese, and Spanish. Wonder what language did that posh name come from. Also, can see from the picture that there is a 1 inch thick layer of cement mud make up on her face.

What really interested me were her quotes:

"I am elated, overjoyed and every other word you can find in the thesaurus to describe happiness”
Thesaurus? WTF?? Do people actually use words like that when they speak? Fuck, I don't even use that word when I write!

“I am going to do law. It's the only way that I can put what I plan into action - to fight for the rights of women, children and animals,”
Another of this rights crap. But notice the last subject. Animals. This bimbo is going study law cause its the ONLY way she can put some nonsensical "plan" in "action". 3 years of painstaking bookmugging, then what is it, another 2 years before you are admitted to the bar? And after all that trouble, she is going to fight for animal rights? What's she gonna do? Sue the cat for eating the mouse? Prosecute the stray dog for raping a bitch who which was passing by? Shit, do you really need a law degree to fight for animal rights? What next? She fights to ensure that all cows are given 10kgs of grass a day to eat. And also try to pass a law which states that the farmer cannot squeeze a cow's tits too hard when milking the cow, otherwise he would be sentenced to a life of wiping the cow's ass everytime after it takes a shit.

“I am a cheerful, determined and spontaneous person, and that would serve me well in Quito, Ecuador, for the Miss Universe competition in June.”
Cheerful, I understand. Determined? How the hell is determination going to help you win a beauty contest? All you need to do is walk on the stage wearing a bikini and smile a bit. So how would detemination "serve you well"? I reckon its the determination to:

1) Eat less pizzas. Eat more horse healthy food.
2) Keep smiling. Even though your cheek muscles are tired, you have to be determined to keep smiling.
3) Be yourself. Cause the biggest bimbos always win.

Shit man. Never understand the concept of beauty contest. If its supposed to be a beauty contest, then ask those women to shut up. Let us be content with their pretty face, big boobs and cute ass. We all know that when they open their mouths, crap comes out. So why bother judging them on what they say? I mean, they are all going to say that they want world peace, eradicate poverty, help fight for human rights, find cure for cancer, bla bla bla bla. But in truth, we all know that they want the prize money behind it and the bragging rights plus free cosmetics and other crap for one year.

I don't care if the bimbo has an IQ which rivals that of a retarded donkey. Its a beauty contest, so judge them on their beauty! If you want to judge their character or their IQ, then don't fucking call it a beauty contest!

*rojak - a Malaysian dish which has a mixed variety of fruits. In fact, a lot of types of fruits all mixed together. Perfect for describing a person of mixed parentage.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

feminism, part two

***Controversial blog. Read disclaimer at the bottom of the page first.***

Women's rights. Interesting term. Human rights, I fully understand. But I just simply can't understand the logic behind women's rights. Why do women need seperate rights? I certainly have not heard of men's rights. Why the need for seperate categories? Can't it all be lumped under the main banner of "human rights", where everybody is treated equal?

You may be wondering what extra rights men require, since women always argue that they are treated unfairly in a pre-dominately male society. However, consider the following:

1) Women can wear men's clothes and nothing is said. Its a norm for women to wear jeans and shorts these days. However, in most countries, a man wearing a tank top and a skirt can be prosecuted for cross-dressing. I am not saying that all men are dying to try on a pantyhose, but consider the plights of transverstites. Wearing lipstick and make-up would result in them being scorned by the society. Faggots, queer, Mak Nyah, Ahqua. All not very nice names, just because they choose not to conform the norm.

2) A man is considered a hopeless bugger if he earns less money than his wife. It is also frowned upon if the woman has had a higher level of education than her husband.

3) If a man sits at home and does housework (ie. clean the house, pick up the kids, etc..), while the woman goes out to work and earns money for the family, he will not hear the end of mockery.

Barring a few countries where some women are denied the rights to get a job, denied the rights to get a proper education, the rest of the world has pretty much opened up to letting women enjoy the same rights as men do. But the same social taboos remain for the male species.

I am a strong advocate that all human beings should be given equal rights. That ALL humans should be allowed to get a proper education. Women's rights activists in the past fought for the rights for women to get an education, and to be equal. But if they were so bothered about equal job and education opportunities, they should have fought for the rights of ALL humans. But nobody seemed to bother about the disabled people. Even till today, in most countries, disabled people are denied the rights to a proper education, simply because most governments don't really give two hoots about them. The poor in undeveloped countries are also denied the rights to a proper education, but nobody seems to give a shit as well. And what about the ethnic minorities being denied job opportunities?

"Women's rights" in my opinion is a crap term made up by feminists who hate men and who think that men are out to screw them over. Simply because, if they are so interested in EQUALITY, then champion the cause of human rights, fight for the rights of ALL humans, male and female regardless, including the disabled, including the poor and the ethnic minorities - not just one particular sub-species. Fighting for something that benefits your kind alone is not called championing your cause, is it called selfish hypocrisy.


**Post publication entry - There was a very good rebuttal article written by my friend Inverse. I followed up that rebuttal with another argument rebutting her arguments. You can read both her article and my rebuttal to that here.

clever boy

Two days ago, a very hot chick who is quite a good friend of mine had her birthday. Lets call her TwinkleEyes. Now, TwinkleEyes is single, so a lot of donkeys after her. And I mean a lot. A whole herd of them. Birthdays for TwinkleEyes = a lot of presents from stupid donkeys. Cause the donkeys assume that she will be happy when they give her the presents. I believe her presents this year included 2 pairs of earings, a diamond necklace, a gold chain, a watch and a very very cool clock.

TwinkleEyes asked my advice whether she should keep the presents or return them. For me, there was only going to be one answer. If those guys are so bleeding stupid, just keep them and enjoy it. Besides, none of them are working. Its not their money. It all their parent's money. So theoretically, it was a present from their parents. This got me thinking of an incident when I was in school in 1999.

There was this guy, one of my best friends, Joe. Now, Joe saw this hot chick that he "loved at first sight" in the first week of Form 4. This girl, Trishia, was seriously damn freaking hot. And single. The perfect combination for any horny hot-blooded male high on testosterone. He started this process of courting her. His tactics, till this day remain the single most unprecedented thing I have ever seen in my life. Only Joe could make it work.

Joe would chat up Trishia on ICQ and on the phone (nothing unusual). But the thing is, Joe is a typical joker. Cool Joe, they would say. Trishia, on the other hand, was on the other end of the spectrum. Very nice girl. Very womanly.

But Joe made it all work. He had an asthonishing talent. He could go on a date with her and play with his food, and burp out loud, and she would find it funny. He told her that he didn't like standing behind her when on an escalator because "you have a big Indian ass and I can see it from behind". And she laughed about it. He called her a horse cause she laughed like one, so he said, and she would laugh her deepest horse-like laugh for his benefit. You have to keep in mind that he was still courting her at this time. The above mentioned stuff would be common amongst couples, but Joe had only met and known Trishia for 3 months.

Humour is always important when talking to girls. It makes them interested and makes them like you more. But what Joe did was pushing it to the limits. In fact, over the limits at times. Guys around the world would be reading this and wondering what the fuck they did wrong. The truth is, they did nothing wrong, it was just that Joe is the type of stuff that legends are made off.

When Trishia's birthday approached, he thought long and hard about it. Birthday means that he would have to buy a present for her. He quickly figured out a few simple math equations:

Hot + single girl = A lot of admirers -----> Equation 1
A lot of admirers = A lot of presents -----> Equation 2

From Equations 1 & 2, it could be deduced that:
Since a lot of presents, yours has to stand out in the crowd

And it did stand out in the crowd. Literally. He bought her a punching bag toy. It was a tall 3 foot high inflatable ballon with a heavy base, so that it would always remaind upright. And printed on the face of the punching bag balloon was a cartoon picture of a horse (he called her a horse, remember?).

A few of us saw his present before he gave it her.

Simon : "Dude, are you crazy?"
Ratnam : "Dei Thamby! Stupid ar you?"
Vincent : "Eh dumb fuck, she'll laugh at you in your face la"

His reply, the exact words still ring out loud in my head till this day. With a big smile, he said, "Don't worry, she'll love it. It will work."

Work? It worked like bloody magic. They became a couple a few months after that. And they still are.


Moral of the story : Presents are important. Choose wisely.

Warning : Try the punching bag balloon trick it at your own risk. I still maintain my stand of, "Eh dumb fuck, she'll laugh at you in your face la." Yes, Joe made it happen. But Joe is different.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

amusing 3

I was sitting in a pub last night watching football. Manyoo vs Leicester. Bloody Gary Neville scored. First league goal in 3 years.

What amused me was something going on in the table on front of me. This couple was watching the game as well. The guy ugly like hell. Skinny like anything. His hair longer than the girlfriend's hair. Keep screaming throughout the game. Totally different with his girlfriend though. Gorgeous. Well, ok, that might have been pushing it. But had a pretty face with nice dimples and everything. Very posh look. However, she falls in the category of Group2 in my "women & football" theory.

The whole game, could see that she was bored like fucks. I reckon, to her, watching football was like watching snails race a marathon. Wonder why she even went there to watch the game. Anyways, half way through the first half, she opened her handbag to search for something. Frantically searching, like as though what ever it is was damn important. After like 10 minutes (more like 10 seconds la), she found it. Could see a nice bright smile on her pretty little face.

Then I realised why she was so happy. It was a pocket vibrator. She could now entertain herself. (Okla, it was a packet of cigarettes and a lighter) Opened the pack and started smoking. The screwed up thing is that the bloody ventilation fan kept blowing the damn smoke from the cunt's cigarette in to my face. Fucking disgusting.

Then comes the amusing part. She smokes half the stick, and puts it out and throws it away. Fair play I thought. Maybe she was going to save it for the second half. Didn't want to smoke too much at a time. But less than 5 minutes later, open the ciggy box and take out another fresh stick. Lights it, and puffs away. Fuck, you stupid git, you forgot the old one. So now, I am under the impression that shes a forgetful twit. But same thing happens. She smokes it half way, and then puts it out.

Same story in the second half. She smokes another 3 sticks, putting them all out after she smokes it half way. I nudge my friend, George beside me.
"Dude, look at the chick. What's up with that la?"
"Oh, I've seen this before. Some of my friends do that as well. It seems that the ciggy filter can only last half way. Its ideal that you smoke half the ciggy, cause the filter is still clean. After that, its dirty and can't function properly after that."

WTF?? Smokers these days are sohais. So let me get this straight. They are worried about their health, so they don't wanna smoke the full ciggy? They are worried that the filter is not able to withstand anymore tar, nicotine, acid, crap, poo, etc...?? Then why the fuck smoke in the first place? Filter or no filter, the tar, nicotine, acid, crap, poo will still get in your lungs innit? And to smoke 5 ciggys in 1 hour is fucking ridiculous. Fine, she did smoke 5 half-ciggys, but its still stupid.

Moral of the story :

1) The smoke from ciggarettes get into your brain, turning it black and makes you stupid.
2) Smokers are the biggest sohais in the world.
3) But they still worry about their health.

feminism, part one

I had an interesting conversation with my friend Inverse today. Lovely. Enough of things to blog about for one whole week. This is part one of a many part series. Stay tuned.

This blog is dedicated to people who can't change a car tyre. If you are a guy and don't know how to do the most basic of modification to your best friend (car), please stop reading now. Go and buy a shotgun and shoot yourself in the balls, take whatever remains and feed them to the starving hyenas in the Afghan Zoo. Then proceed to Thailand and get yourself a pair of boobs. After that come back here and read the remainder of this blog.

If you are a woman who can't change a car tyre, well, nothing unusual. 90% of the women will ask men for help. The reasons:

- "I dunno how to change car tyre"
- "Its heavy"

Well, if you dunno how to change car tyre, what the fuck are you doing driving a car? Don't you think that its your responsibility to learn how to change a tyre if you want to drive? And if you think its heavy, think about it....how far do you have to carry it? Hell, you don't even have to carry it. From the boot, surely there's a way to tilt it a little and lean it on the ledge, then chuck it down on the road. Its rubber, it won't break! Then when its on the road, just roll the damn thing to the correct place la! Nobody ask you to be a sohai and carry it to the place. And once its in place, all you need to do is lift it 6 bloody inches!!

How hard is it to change a car tyre? Put a 10 year old kid there and he can figure it out. Sure, it might take him time, but he will figure it our sooner or later. However, a lot of full grown women can't seem to figure it out. When it comes to changing car tyres, it is like asking a kindergarten kid to solve triple integrals - just not possible. Credit to the 10% of the female population who actually have changed a car tyre themselves. But to the rest of them, for fucks sake, if you want to drive a car, learn to change the damn tyre:

1) Open car boot, clear all the junk in it (its a woman's car, hence got a lot of junk)
2) Lift up the carpet and the board (not very heavy, definitely lighter than the shopping bags)
3) There should be a small long plastic bag with some tools in it. Look for it and empty its contents
4) Use the spanner (yes, I know some women dunno what a spanner is), it should be one of the longest tools used to undo bolts and nuts.
5) Unscrew the spare tyre from the car boot. Keep the bolt and nut.
6) Unscrew the jack from the car boot (if you dunno what a jack is, or how it looks like, I cannot help you anymore. You have lost the right to drive a car. Sit at home like the women in Saudi Arabia and get your husband to drive you around)
7) Use the jack to lift up the car. Remember, you are not at a workshop, you cant lift the whole damn car. Just lift the side where the tyre needs changing.
8) Open the hub cap. (The fancy plastic plate covering the nuts). Use the spanner to open all the nuts.
9) Take out the punctured tyre and put the spare one in. No its not heavy. Its all in your mind.
10) Screw back all the nuts, replace the hub cap, lower the jack, keep the punctured tyre back in the boot
11) Do NOT throw the punctured tyre. It is possible to repair it sometimes. Bring it to a tyre shop.

The next time your car tyre gets punctured, fucking change it yourself. Don't bloody park your car by the roadside and flag down cars to help you.

Actually the real reason is cause most women are afraid of grease. Grease = acid. Highly corrosive. Can damage those beautifully manicured fingers. Bloody hell, then wear a glove la! And grease can be washed with soap you know? That's why some donkey a few hundred years ago invented soap. So that we can wash our dirty hands.

Isn't it bloody ironic that the same woman flagging down a car for help probably insists on women's rights? Equal rights that allow them to get an education. Equal rights that allow them to get a job. But the same woman throws away all her rights to equality when she insists that she can't and won't change a car tire, contradicting the rights that women in the past fought for, among which includes the right for women to drive a car (women in Saudi Arabia are not allowed to drive cars). So why do some women fight for equality when they clearly do not wish to be equal (ie. expecting special treatment)?

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

amusing chain letter, combined part 2

I am shaking with fear...I have been cursed. This morning, when I woke up, I discovered that some fucking moron sent me a cursed email which smells evil.

-10 Ways to describe if you are haunted-
Do you EVER get an eerie feeling if you are alone at home at nightime, you just feel like you're being watched? Feel like someone is there around that dark corner? That you might have seen toys or dolls moving by themselves??

** Experts say there are some lifebeings that maybe arent alive...thats still walking on earth. Nobody knows the truth. At least..nobody thats still alive..**

The ten ways...

Point 1 - If at midnight, the power's out.
Point 2 - If your pet dog/cat is sleeping but they're eyes are wide open.
Point 3 - If your pet dog/cat is looking at something that you cant see.
Point 4 - If your pet dog/cat scratches at the air, or growls or hiss at something you cant see.
Point 5 - If something you see earlier on is at one place, later on it is gone or moved someplace else.
Point 6 - If theres a shadow of a figure against the wall, but there is no one there.
Point 7 - If you hear someone talking or whispering, but no one is there.
Point 8 - If suddenly outside the window, there is nothing but black.
Point 9 - If you feel like something or someone is touching you.
Point 10 - If the hair on your head and body is shooting up.

~ Anelissa Kok, 16 ~
When I got this letter, I deleted it, thinking it was crap. But, later on, strange things has happened to me. My mother had sex with our dog, and my brother vanished without a single trace.

~ Shaza Reenaz, 32 ~
I deleted this letter as soon as I got it. Thinking that kids were trying to fool me. But the next week, villagers found my 5 year old daugther dead in a river, floating beside a woman with long white hair and a white dress.

~ Kamilul Jalar, 14 ~
I didnt send this letter to other of my contacts. When at the next day, my house was empty. Pure empty. Everything was gone. And what was left was a package full of blood in my cupboard!

~ Mary Loo Mei, 13 ~
I deleted this letter as soon as I finished reading it. I thought it was pure crap. Then, strange things had happened to me lately. My boyfriend ran away from home, and he left a note to his parents that he is going to kill himself. The next week, it was all over the papers that a boy jumped of a high cliff.

If you dont want this to happen to you, might as well send this letter. Its for your own good.
Send to 1-5 ppl, you will get bad luck for a year.
Send to 5-8 people, you will get bad luck for 6 months.
Send to 8-12 people, you will get bad luck for 10 hours.
Send to 12-20 people, good luck will be given to you for 3 years.


Fucking hell. I have never seen another chain mail so fucking stupid! The comment from the first person, "my mother had sex with our dog". WTF?? At the moment, I am amused. For my defination of amused, please read the article below. At the moment, I am speechless. Maybe in 2 hours time, when I regain my composure, I will scold the sohai for sending me such a fucking ridiculous email.

Here are my proposals to the UN (yes, UN because it involves the whole world) on what to do with jabronis who send chain mails:

1) Instead of serving monkey brains dipped in XO in restaurants, they should serve the brains of these morons. This is because its hard to find monkey brains in restaurants these days. And the main reason is because these morons have brains but don't use it, might as well contribute to the society by providing good food.

2) Instead of building dams and experimenting solar cells to generate power (expensive), we could round up all these people, build a giant hamster wheel, and get those people to keep running on it to generate power. Since their IQ is like that of a hamster, might as well treat them like hamsters.

3) Give them a second chance in life. Force them to wear diapers and suck their thumb and throw them back into kindergarten. Educate them with a special syllabus. Drumming into their heads that chain letters a fake should be the first on their agenda.

4) Slap some sense into them. Literally. Tie them up and get another of their fellow morons to just keep slapping them until some sense finally hits them.

5) Gather all of them and throw them all in a deserted island. This is to ensure that they do not get anywhere near to the children in our society. If they are so bleeding stupid, there is a chance that some of their stupidity might rub off onto the kids. If that happens, then the future of mankind is doomed.


amusing

When something pisses the hell out of you, you try your very best to let out steam, to curse the hell out of that thing. However, there are things which amuse you. These are incredulous things, where you are left speechless at the magnitude of sohaism (er...stupidity). You can't seem to find the words to fight it, cause its just too ridiculous. You are then torn between your natural instincts which compels you to scream at the moron or whether to let it be and laugh at the dumb fuck.

Things people do that amuse the hell out of me:

1) People will go to the other end of town to buy something for 1 buck cheaper than the shop around the corner, even though it costs them 2 bucks to go to town and wastes 2 hours of their time.

2) People who celebrate 1 month anniversaries. (It goes on....2months, 3 months, 5months..) But after the first year, the same people do not celebrate 1 year 2 months anniversary. Also wonder why they do not celebrate 100 days, 200 days, 500 days anniversary.

3) People who hate your guts but find it necessary to smile to your face and wipe your ass because they haven't got the balls to ask you to fuck off. I say to these people, continue doing it. I feel happy that I am pissing you off more and more each day, just cause you dare not tell me that you hate my guts.

4) Guys who can drink more alcohol than a camel can drink water, but doesn't even touch shandy in front of their girlfriends because aparently "alcohol is bad for health".

5) Women who eat one chicken wing for dinner because "my boyfriend thinks I am fat." Even better in some cases the boyfriend is fatter than Godzilla.

6) People who worry about cholesterol, fatty and oily food but drink beer to quench their thirst after dinner, followed by a ciggy "to ease digesting my meal."

7) Women who oppose other women getting boob jobs cause "you will be something you are not", but the same women apply lots of make up when they go out. What the fuck is the difference? Its still trying to look something you are not, only that you do not have enough money for a boob job.

8) People who say porn is degrading to women. Pardon me, but isn't it degrading to ALL parties acting? What about gay porn then? Is that degrading to women as well? And even if it was degrading to women ONLY, nobody forced the woman to act in the porn show.

9) Guys who say, "Fucking hell, you are a lady, don't curse!"

10) People who are scared of ghosts and horror movies, but choose to watch every single horror movie, later forcing their friends to accompany them back home as they are afraid that there would be a guy with a chainsaw waiting for them in their kitchen.

10 should be enough. I'll think of more later.

something for malaysians to be proud of?

So this crap with David Beckham has been going on for exactly a week now. It has been on the front page of ALL the British tabloids for ONE WEEK. One whole fucking week! They have got nothing better to do than to publish articles about people's afair, for one whole week! I stopped following the updates after 2 days. I don't care who they say he shags. I don't believe any of it anyway.

Today's news however had something interesting. Seems there is a second woman who he had sex with. Was scrolling through the page just to see the pictures. Wasn't really arsed about the whole story, until:

"Sarah, the second of five children, grew up in the Malaysian capital Kuala Lumpur. Her father was a magistrate before setting up his own law practice in the city. "

Reading the whole thing, seems this chick was born in Malaysia. Woohoo! No doubt that now, our very own tabloid, the Malay Mail will try to get hold of her and interview her themselves. (Or have they?) Interesting??

Monday, April 12, 2004

ultraman

I was going through my Friendster's list today when something bothered me. This guy from school put his main picture as Ultraman. It has always been his main picture, but today, something in my head reminded me that Ultraman was a loser.

I have always hated Ultraman. Even when I was small. Those were the days when I had to ask my mama for permission to watch tv. I dunno why is it that adults think TV is no good for kids. Anyway, she always let me watch Ultraman cause it was dubbed in Malay and my command of that language was shit. So I watched it for the sake of watching tv.

Ultraman is so fucking stupid. Those were the days of Ninja Turtles and Transformers. Compared to them, Ultraman was ultracrap. Firstly, even a 5 year old kid could see that the git was wearing a blody PVC costume. Not good. The monsters were all ugly fuckers with equally ugly costumes. Compared to the Decepticons and Shredder who were damn cool and had cool names (if you are between 17-25 years old and dunno who the Decepticons & Shredder are, go find the nearest mirror, stare at it long and hard, and slap yourself repeatedly saying,"I am stupid. I am stupid.)

I even realised at that early age that the buildings were made of cardboard. And the storyline was always same. Which meant that every episode:
1) Monster is born
2) Terrorizes Tokyo. (Its always Tokyo)
3) Some stupid 'army special unit' attacks the monster with aeroplanes
4) Fails. Then some guy who is part of that army special unit will transform into Ultraman.
5) Ultraman fights the monster
6) Ultraman gets beaten up and thrown against the cardboard buildings (Obviously! Compare the size of the thin fuck compared to the fat ass lard of a lizard monster)
7) The red light on Ultraman's costume will start beeping, meaning he is going to die
8) The moron does something stupid, summoning the powers of the Sun and channels it through his crossed hands and killing the retarded monster.

I tell you. The retards who wrote the storyline ought to be castrated and shot in the balls with a shotgun, whatever is left can be fed to the starving hyenas in the Afghan Zoo. If you watch 3 episodes, you will find that the rest of it is the same damn thing. Why can't the stupid wanker do his superpower in the beginning? Save the trouble of getting bashed up and destroying the buildings (yeah, I know they are made of cardboard, but still the props person has to make new cardboard buildings everytime).

And the costume. For fucks sake. The image of it still haunts me till this day. When the moron falls down or stretches, you can actually see the lines on the PVC costume stretching. Like some sex costume that gets stretched while filming a porn movie.

Burn in hell Ultraman. Curse the jabroni for scarring my childhood with his crap. Hopefully, one day the monsters get pissed off with the moron for always cheating with superpowers. Then maybe one day, 10 monsters will attack him together before drilling a hole in his PVC costume and gangrape his cursed ass. Kids these days are so lucky. They don't have to watch such crap. Ultraman sucks. Long live Optimus Prime.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

pringles

Pringles is the best damn junk food in the whole world. Twisties and doritos come close but pringles is the ultimate kick ass potato chip. Eat three tubes a week. Thats 3 pounds a week. Which works out to RM3 a day. Just on pringles. Never tasted another potato chip so bloody good in my life.

People say that junk food is bad for health. I don't understand why. Reading the Pringles bottle ingredients list:

1) Dehydrated Potatoes - Its potatoes without the water. What so unhealthy about that? I' ll just drink plenty of water after that.

2) Vegetable oil - When I was small, mum taught me that vegetables are good for health. So vegetable oil I presume has to be the same.

3) Flavourings

Under Flavourings:
1) Milk proteins - If milk is good for kids, its good for everybody.

2) Sugar - I don't take sugar in my coffee and tea, so this makes up for it.

3) MSG - I don't cook with MSG, so this makes up for it. Its good to have a balance.

4) Lactic acid - Not too sure about this. My science is a bit rusty. But I THINK theres a lot of this in the body of an ant. So if such a tiny creature can withstand this acid, it should be harmless to humans.

5) Citric acid - Very sure oranges have this. People say fruits = good. Orange = fruit. So, Citric acid = good.

6) Disodium Inosinate - What kind of pariah chemical is this? When they taught us Chemistry in school, they taught us a lot of dangerous chemicals. Have never heard of this before. Therefore, can't be that dangerous.

7) Disodium Guanylate - Another pariah chemical. Sticking to the theory that if I have not heard of it, then it must be ok.

8) Maltodextrin - Some kind of malt I presume. Whatelse is malt? Horlicks I think is called a malt drink. Horlicks is good for health as well. So if this maltodextrin thingy is some kinda malt, then it should be good for health too.

9) Wheat starch - Aaah. Finally something I know. Wheat = good. Starch = harmless. No problems here.

10) Emulsifier E471 - Wow! This chemical has a cool name. Comes with a serial number of some sort. Can't be that dangerous because if it was dangerous, they would call it Emulsifier XX444 or something like that.

11) Salt - Chey! How is salt bad for health? The sea water is damn bloody salty. All the fishes still alive. Don't say fish la. Even the mammals. Look at the whale. Big mother of a creature. Biggest mammal around. If he can grow so big living in salt water, then surely salt is good for health.

Who says junk food is bad for health? Okla. Maybe junk food like Keropok Mak Yati. Dunno how these village people fry their potato chips. But Pringles, as I have proven, is good for health. The morons who say that chips are bad for health are health freaks who don't know anything. Underweight, aneroxic women ask me not to eat too much chips cuz apparently chips make you fat. Nonsense. If it does make you fat, then they should eat more chips, cause they are so underweight, the wind can easily blow them away.

Warning : I am not a nutritionist. These are my theories. If you eat 10 bottles of Pringles at one go, and get a heart attack the next day, don't raise from your grave and haunt me. Pringles, like sex, is good for health but too much at one go can kill you.

Saturday, April 10, 2004

national service II

Was reading this about National Service. Noticed that this girl didn't complain much about the "bad things" in National Service. She was merely observing it and letting the reader judge.

Then I found this. Majority of people wrote comments complaining about how it is a stupid program. How the government is wasting money. How it is a breeding place for gangsters.

I always thought that the kids were the stupid twits opposing this. I just learned that it is the adults who are the donkeys. A lot of people called it a flop because there were many cases of fighting and assault. Seems that they are not too happy that there are reports of smoking and drug use in National Service. But for fucks sake, what do you expect when you lump together a bunch of juveniles high on testosterone? These morons do not seem to realise that there are even more cases of gangsterism and bullying in schools that are unreported. Yes, there is also smoking and drug use in schools. So do we abolish school? Is school bad because it exposes innocent children to these social ills?

Reports of theft in the camps have also caused a great number of people to question the way National Service is run. But humour me then, in which utopian society does crime not occur, in which community of humans does theft not exist? Where in the world does sexual assault, bullying and gangsterism not occur? Does the public expect that just because there are kids and this is a national project, that criminals will stop their acts?

Some people argued that there was no way you could implement racial harmony in 3 months. They went on to argue that if 11 years of schooling fails to implement racial hormony, what of 3 months? I agree. 3 months is too short. That said, in school, kids are not forced to mix around with people of different races. Here, the kids are forced to sleep together with people of different races, to work with them, to live with them. If this is not sufficient, then at least applaud the government for trying.

The same people went on to argue that before the government tries to implement racial harmony among its citizens, it should first abolish all the "discriminatory" laws that gives special rights to the Bumiputras. Anybody who agrees with that point clearly cannot think straight. We have to realise that Malaysia is a unique country where the minority Chinese are economically more powerful than the majority Bumiputras. Another country who shares the same characteristics is Indonesia. Think then, what would happen if those special rights did not exist. Remember Indonesia in 1997/98 after the economic crisis, when the majority got pissed off with the minority for being rich. Those special rights granted to Bumiputra Malaysians are the backbone behind the racial harmony now existing in our country. Take that away and expect even more trouble. So anybody arguing that racial harmony can be implemented by taking away those special rights clearly ought to be shot for being so bleeding stupid.

The programme needs a major revamp. I agree. ALL 18 year olds should be made compulsory to attend this project. Having unskilled trainers is a joke. The organisation of the whole thing is a joke. But its the first time ever a programme like this is being held. No, we cannot send officials to Singapore to see how they do it and learn from them, simply because our programme is very different from theirs. Surely there would be teething problems in any inaugural project?

Malaysians have a habit of opposing everything the government does. We love complaining when there is a problem and nothing is done to solve it. When something is being done, we then love nothing more than to stomp on it saying that it won't work. At least give this perfectly good vision but poorly executed operation a chance to succeed.

godfather

Channel five showed Godfather on tv last friday. Its Godfather 2 tonight, and Godfather 3 next week. So thats 3 Friday nights in a row which I would be at home instead of out drinking. Which is good.

Anyways, last Friday, as I was watching Godfather 1, my housemate came into the living room and asked me, "You got nothing better to do ar? Watch old movies."

"Dude! Its the Godfather!"
"Oh? What's it about?"

At this point I am annoyed. How can anybody not know what the Godfather is about? Though mind you, this dude had also never heard of the Sound of Music. He as ked me why I was watching a bunch of kids sing with their maid.

"Its a mafia show. (pointing to Micheal Corleone) He's the mafia Godfather."
"Oh, I see. (pointing to Kay Adams) Is that the Godmother?"
".........."

WTF?? Godmother? I was contemplating on whether to laugh at him or scold him for his ignorance. I chose to keep quiet. Stupid people should be scolded. But ignorance has to be left untouched.

How can anybody be so ignorant? Godfather. The mother (or father) of all shows. I first watched it as a kid. Didn't understand much. Only knew that he killed a lot of people in the end. Then I read the book recently and really appreciated a lot of the things in the movie.

Great quotes :
1) Let's go to the mattresses!! (No, not a huge orgy. It means going to war)
2) Freddo, you're my older brother and I love you. But don't ever take sides with anybody outside the family......EVER. (The way Al Pacino says it. Brilliant.)
3) A lawyer with a suitcase can steal more money than a hundred men with guns. (Haha. True.)
4) Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
5) Money and friendship.......its like water and oil.

Classic show and there are actually people who have never heard of it? Fucking hell man.

MSN nicks

The good thing about MSN Messenger is that its easy to change your nick so that people know how you feel. Some people stick to their names, but most people I know change a line behind their names everyday to make the statement of the day. Some of them are good and philosophical. Some of them are whinners who complain about everything. Others are more subtle and use hidden meanings in their nicks so that nobody else knows how they are feeling.

Among the nicks I've seen on my contact list in the past and currently(Names are not real, but the sentences behind them are):

1) Jeremy - The person laughing the loudest on the outside is actually crying the hardest inside.
(Hmm..but then maybe the guy laughing the loudest maybe hasn't heard the joke before?)

2) Joyce - Love is like fire. It can either warm you or burn your fucking house down.
(Whoah! Angry woman alert! But dudette, what about the fire from lighters? They light cigarrette which makes people happy but will kill them after a while. What about that kind of fire?)

3) Micky - Relishing the challenge. Busy week! No time to eat, sleep, bathe, or study!
(But you found time to come online to chat with people? Or did you come online to surf porn and wank?)

4) Jason - We are here to do what we are here to do.
(Eh?? What are we here to do?)

5) Sandra - Love is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you are going to get.
(The correct word is LIFE, I don't think Forest Gump's mama will be too happy you stole her quote and changed it to something stupid)

6) Wills - Infatuation is but a fleeting illusion, Love is eternal
(Bla di di bla bla bla!! Bet he changed his nick to something else after he finished talking to the girl. Trying to sound deep and sensitive. Stupid git.)

7) Yolk - I did it!! Thank you everybody who supported me.
(I think he was practising for the awards ceremony. But he forgot to thank his mother and father, also forgot to thank the goat and the cow.)

8) Jimmy - I ate a baby.
(WTF????) **Really. Not making this up.

9) Austin - If you cannot get what you like, learn to like what you get
(But..but..but my father didn't get me the Power Rangers toy. He got me a Barbie doll. How can I learn to like that?)

10) Sue - Laughing through troubled eyes.
(Wow! Can laugh through your eyes? How? Teach me!)

Lesson : We all like getting philosophical when things are not going right. But we have to learn that we sound incredibly stupid.

Friday, April 09, 2004

chain mail

I can never understand this phenomena of stupid human behaviour. No, I am not cursing at the people who started chain mails. Hell, I think they are brilliant people trying to have fun. Its like signing on a 5 dollar bill and using it, hoping it gets back to you one day. Same thing. People started chain mails to take the piss out of stupid people. Hoping that their mail goes around the globe 3 times and they get it back.

Its the people who continue to circulate the mails. That annoys the hell out of me. Are people so stupid to actually believe the "curse" that is associated with it? In those days, people sent letters and ask you to photocopy 20 letters to pass on to your friends. Now, you have forward the chain letters through email.

The contents of chain letters always intrigued me even when I was 6 years old and some donkey in school sent me one. Most kids would freak out about it, but I was always the suspicious prick. It was a classic chain letter. "You must send this out..bla bla bla. John received this letter and didn't send it out, he died the very next day. Mary, however sent it out immediately and won the lottery. I then questioned, "Then what letter was it that John and Mary received since their cases were documented in this letter? Surely then this has gotta be a fake cuz there would not be a letter to scare John and Mary with?" (Notice the very polite tone of that question. I was six and didn't know how to say fuck..hehe)

As a six year old kid, I figured that out, but full grown baboons of adults can't figure it out these days. I know that emails these days have nice poems and songs, maybe some animation to it, with the chain letter attached below. Fair enough, maybe people forward these emails so that you could enjoy the animations and everything. But there are still emails which are just purely "chain mail" with no poems of any sort, and they are still being circulated around the globe by idiots.

Then, theres the usual playing on people's emotions crap. Some little girl somewhere in Cleveland is dying of cancer. So bloody Cancer Research would donate 2 cents for every email forwarded. For fucks sake you stupid wankers:
1) theres no fucking way Cancer Research can trace how many emails were sent
2) even if you were computer illiterate and thought that they could, ask yourself whether a charity organisation will decide on whether or not the girl gets the treatment based on the number of emails forwarded?
3) that little girl was 7 years old six fucking years ago (I received that kinda email I remember in 1997 when I first started using the internet. Received the same damn email today). She's either dead or cured by now.

I remember sometime 2 years ago, there was a "chain text" going aroud. Yeah, you heard it right. Chain mail via SMS. Something about MAXIS (network provider in Malaysia) celebrating their 5th anniversary or some shit like that. Seems they would give you 5 bucks worth of talk time if you forwarded that message to 5 other people (Can't really remember the figures). I was out with my friends sitting in Starbucks that night. Most of them use MAXIS. I used DIGI, so I never got any message. All the stupid cunts busy forwarding the message. I told them it was crap. Everybody asked me to shut up. Everybody lost 1 buck forwarding those 5 messages. For fucks sake you morons, if Ananda Krishnan (MAXIS boss) were to give people free money, he would not be the richest man in Malaysia.

So remember:
1) there is no little girl dying of cancer whom you can help by forwarding an email
2) you are not going to have sex with your crush of 25 years even if you forward the mail to a damn 100 people
3) nobody is going to give you any money for forwarding mail
4) always trust vincent