Wednesday, April 21, 2004

farm tales

Once upon a time in the far away land of Malaysia, an old farmer lived with his old wife in a small little farm. It could hardly be called a farm because it didn't have many animals. But it did have a variety of farm animals. The old man had a cow which provided them with their daily supply of milk. There was also a chicken which laid an egg every single day which the old couple were more than content with. The goat, although old still produced its fair share of milk which the old lady would use to make cheese. Every animal on the farm served its purpose...except the fat pig.

All the fat pig knew was to sit in the pile of mud all day long. The other animals had no idea why their master kept him. They all knew that as long as they produced their milk or laid their eggs, the farmer would keep them alive.

One day, the pig complained :

Pig : The master serves me horrible food.

Cow : What the fuck are you talking about? Goat and myself, we have to eat the grass by the roadside.

Chicken : Yeah, you get the best food of all. You get human food. Master even had to pay the restaurant money to get them to sell the leftover human food. And its all for you. All I get to eat is a few grains of rice and worms.

Goat : Yeah you stupid fuck. And at least we serve our master. You sit in the mud all day and do nothing.

Pig : Yes. But I think the farmer is an asshole. He thinks he is very smart by letting me lie in the mud. But I actually do not like it.

Chicken : Then why the fuck do you lie in the mud the whole day then since you claim that you don't like it?

Cow : Yeah, everyday some more. And not only do you lie in the mud. You actually play with it. Make mudcakes and everything. And its not as if he force you to stay in the mud pit. He just build the pit, you choose to go there only mah. Every morning I see, first thing you do when you wake up, you go to the mudpit and play. You don't like it mah, so why do you still do it?

Pig : Cause I got nothing else to do in life mah. Unlike you all, I have no function in life. I serve no purpose to society and to my master. So since I have nothing to do, and since the sohai master provides a mud pit for me, I might as well use it lor.

Goat : You hopeless moron. Since you think the master is an asshole and a sohai, and you don't like his mudpit, then what the hell are you still doing here? I mean, its not as if you contribute to him also. Go find another farm la.

Cow : Yaler, plus it won't affect any of us. You see, if I am not happy and I leave, then master has no milk to drink, then he will try to get more milk out of Goat and that wouldn't be good for Goat's health. If Chicken leaves, master has no eggs, then he would have to sell the milk from either Goat or myself and that would pressure both of us to produce more milk. Again not good. But you can get lost and we don't care.

Chicken : You are damn fucking fake la. We know you love the mud. Just that you won't admit it.

Bird (which happenned to be flying by) : Yaler. You retarded is it?

Farmer's Cat (which overheard the conversation) : Why you tell us for? When you meet farmer face to face bet you got no balls to tell him. Like stupid mouse hiding in a hole only, trying to mock me from his hole, but when see me in the kitchen the bastard run like fucks.

Pig : Wah, you all so rude! I was being civilised with you all but you answer me so rudely.(Goes back and lies in the mud again)

Pig then decides to irritate the farmer. He started by shitting in the mud pit. Farmer then tells him politly not to do that. Then Pig spits out all the food that the farmer bought for him. Now, this pisses off the farmer. Don't like don't eat la. Why must eat and then spit out? Farmer then brings Pig to slaughter house and it is only then that the animals discover that pigs are actually useful animals.

Their legs, can make "ju-kiok" cooked with rice wine. Their intestines, ears, tongue and blood can be boiled and eaten with porridge. Damn bloody nice summore. Especially the blood. After it solidifies, smooth like taufu only. Intestines also. Put kicap and eat with porridge. Heaven on earth. Then leh, can take the fatty parts and make "siew yoke" for the Chinese people and make bacon for the English people. The ribs can be sold to TGI Fridays where they take it and cook it with Jack Daniels. Bloody delicious. And when done, can give the bones to the dog to eat.

Moral of the story : Some homo sapiens are like pigs - useless and a burden to the society. They are creatures that only their mothers will love. For everybody else, the pig/human is better off when dead.

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