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Thursday, April 08, 2004

national service

Was reading today's news about national service. This perfectly visioned programme is getting more and more screwed up by the day. What's this nonsense about giving them some stupid card which gives them discounted stuff? Its nothing but a ploy used by big companies to advertise their business through national service. I say, the Ministry of Defence should concentrate more of making adults out of the spoilt brats of today.

I have always loved the idea of National Service. When Najib proposed this last year (was it last year?), I thought this was a brilliant idea. However, my idea of National Service is much different from what the kids in their horrendously ugly uniforms (somebody ought to shoot the designer) are doing now. All that team building crap and motivational shit is a waste of time. I even hear they teach the kids juggling. Seems it improves concentration. Why the fuck for? So they can concentrate harder when they are busy studying to get straight A's in their exam? Thats the only thing kids these days know.

Hmph. And they wonder why there are so many reports of fights in the training camps. Thats because when you try to teach "macho" (macho on the outside but actually a pussy) guys crap like juggling, they think its uncool and tarnishes their image by doing faggoty stuff. They then rebel and start fights. Stupid people sitting in high up places can't figure out simple things, need to set up some stupid taskforce to investigate crap.

And now, they wanna put soldiers in the training camps to instill discipline. Great move. Really. Should have done that from day one. I don't think these pampered kids have ever been screamed at. And if they have, they probably screamed back at their parents. Would love it if it was proper military training. You know, like in the movies. The captain puts his face 6 inches from your face and starts screaming. And you can't even flinch. Screams for you to do push-ups until he feels the Earth move under his feet. Excellent. Sure, some guys will piss in their pants, but it will transform them into real men. Aaah, if only the soldiers were allowed to do that.

I have always been a scout. Since Standard 3 right up till Form 5. And even in college, I would still go back to my old school and help train all the kiddy scouts. Still do actually (when I am back in Malaysia). Every year, I look at the new recruits and shake my head. Kids these days aren't the same as they were 5 years ago. Among the things I learnt about spoilt kids these days while supervising camps:

1) 70% of them have never boiled water in their lives
2) 90% of them can't even cook Maggi Mee
3) 98% of them didn't know that you have to wash rice before cooking it (99% can't cook rice)
4) 80% of them didn't know how to check whether their chicken was cooked after barbequeing the thing

And after 3 days of camping, I always like to think that I have suceeded turning pussies into real guys. That is until their parents come and pick them. Spoilt brat grab the keys from the mother while she is talking to me, run to the car and start the engine (yeah, the little prick can't boil water but knows how to start the engine). Shoos the maid out of the car and orders her to fetch his bag like I order my dog to fetch a stick. Then lies down in the car and falls asleep while his mother helps the pint size maid carry the bag back to the car. Thats just one of the many examples.

Looking at shit like this EVERYTIME really makes me support Singapore's National Service. Throw a bunch of bloody geeks in the army and they come out as real men (well, sort off la..their national service didn't teach them what real men supposed to know - how to court women). Although, we should learn from Singapore's mistakes. Most of the guys who enter National Service are already too screwed up beyond help because of all the years of kiasu studying. So it makes the trainer's life harder. Hence I propose that Form 1 and 2 of school should be replaced by National Service, so you can instill some things into the young spoilt minds of those kids. And while they are at it, they might as well teach the girls a few things too. Shocking number of girls these days can't cook for shits and even more have never done household chores.

Heck, in fact, lump all the guys and girls together. Teach them all how to march under the hot Malaysian sun. Force all of them to track through the muddy jungle and let each of them get bitten by a leech at least once. After that, retire them to the classroom and teach all of them how to sew back the buckle of their trousers which popped because they were too fat and pampered. Later, teach them how to bloody boil water, whip an egg and cook rice. All much more useful than teaching them to fucking juggle a few stupid balls.

This kind of national service would once and for all totally eradicate the existance of princesses. You know, those snow white women who are allergic to sunshine. They use sunblock instead of using soap and use umbrella to protect themselves from the sun (for fucks sake women, umbrella was invented to protect you from the rain - it is an insult to engineers that you use their inventions for anything other than its intended purpose). The type who thinks that mud is acidic and highly corrosive, so they can't touch it. I would love nothing more than going camping with these princesses and watching them get mud in their Rapunzel hair. Then I can sit and laugh. I would also love to be there when she discovers a big fat leech on her bum. Although, my scout friend Jack disagrees. He says that he would love to see mud in her hair but its a different story with the leeches. In fact, he says he rather have the leech bite him instead. Because, "If the leech bites me, I pluck the bastard out and stamp on him. And the wound will heal sooner or later. But if the leech bites Puteri Lilin, (Candle Princess) my eardrums will shatter, and that will not heal." Quite true Jack, quite true.

So there. A whole bunch of proposals for the Ministry of Defence to look at. I know its right. You know its right. Thats enough. Lets not worry about the complaints from the spoilt brats and their parents about "National Service disrupting my child's education." These parents should learn that National Service IS educating your child. Education does not only come in the form of books and certificates. National Service teaches them things that can NEVER be learned in any classroom in any school, college or university. Heck, stop complaining and thank Uncle Najib for trying to turn your kids into real adults.

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