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Sunday, May 30, 2004

scary shits

Summer party.

The ultimate party of the university's calender year. Thousands of people flock to an open air area to listen to a live band, head-bang, and more importantly, to get pissed drunk. Those without tickets are stuck outside lying on the grass BBQing some food while listening to the music blasting away from the inside. The ticket stated that the party was going to start from 2pm till 'LATE'

It took me 15 minutes of queueing to get in. Another further 30 minutes to line up for a damn cheeseburger. I noticed a lot of scary stuffs at the pary:

1) I saw the ghost again.

2) I was about the flee get the fuck out of there, when this big black dude dressed like a pimp walked by. And when I say dressed like a pimp, I mean he had a big fat gold chain from the Mr. T collection with a large cross sticking out from the front. I reckoned the cross scared the ghost away.

3) There were tons of women in bikinis or skimpy tops. Eye feast? My arse! Three days ago, the British government released the report of a study which showed that a fucking large number of British people were obese. I bloody agree!! There was this particular girl I saw who was siting on the grass wearing a tight body hugging outfit, I could have sworn she was pregnant with a baby elephant in her. Machauhai, I don't care if you are fat, but please be considerate. Plus, body hugging shirts and bikinis are supposed to make you look sexy and make people want to look at you. I don't think I was looking much at them. Although, there were quite a few blondes worth a nose bleed. Hehehe

4) There were these bunch of drunk blokes. It was about 7pm and they were pissed. Now, they were topless and lying on the grass. When I was walking past, I saw them playing around. Erm, 'playing around'. One guy pinched the other guys nipples and pulled it back. The receipient was laughing his ballocks off! And then after he let go, they were laughing at how pointy the fucking thing was! What the fuck??!?!

5) There was this Chinese girl, I think I have seen her before. I think she might even be a Malaysian girl. Anyways, she was trying very hard to impress blokes. She wore what I can only describe as a night gown. With see through material and black nylon laces. The top was ugly, but not as horrendous as what she was wearing on her legs. It was a purple furry thing that stretched from her ankles to her knee. Like a shin-pad I wear when playing football. Only this is that my shin-pad and socks are not velvet. I have no idea what the fuck she was thinking. Purple fur on the feet? WTF??

6) There was a performance by Lemar which I reckon was the highlight of the night. For those of you who haven't heard of Lemar, its ok. Neither had I till last night. When my friend told me Lemar was performing I said," Fuck you la. Ley-ah-mah performing la. Mine is at home." Anyways, he is this black dude, cool guy, was the runner up for Fame Academy or some shits like that. Now what I don't get during all these concert is every so often, everybody starts putting both their fucking hands in the air and swaying it around. Bear in mind that the party started in the day time. Most of the people there had been there for around 5 or 6 hours and were sweating like a hippo having hot-flushes. And when they lift their fucking arms in the air, they expose their armpits and the fucking stench in unbearable. Besides, there was this slut of a whore next to me who was kinda drunk and her fucking hands hit my head like 3 times. Curse her baby to be born out with its hands stuck permanently in the air too.

7) Now the fucking ticket said that the party was going to be on from 2PM till LATE. White man's defination of late? 11PM! The Lemar performance ended at 11pm, so we went to the clubbing area, only to find that people were leaving. We thought there was a fight. So we went to the other clubbing area, and find that thing closing too. Machauhai. 11pm? When I go clubbing, I only reach the damn club at 11PM!!

8) Finally, surveying the area after the party, it was dirtier than our pasar malams. There was rubbish strewn all over the grounds. Bottles, plastic cups, paper plates, ciggarette buds, condoms...you name it. I asked my mates how much they would clean the whole area for. Its an area about the size of 5 football fields. They all said 1000 pounds. No less. Fuck. Expensive fuckers.


These parties.....takes one with a braveheart to have no fear of the scary occurances..

Friday, May 28, 2004

good strategy

In yesterday's Star newspaper:

Lessons on oral sex for teens

LONDON:A British government study has come out in favour of oral sex lessons in an attempt to cut soaring teen pregnancy rates.

The new government study found that pupils under 16 who were taught to consider forms of sexual contact other than intercourse were much less likely to engage in full intercourse.

Exeter university has developed a course to train teachers to inform pupils about so-called “stopping points” before full intercourse takes place.

Britain has far and away the highest teen pregnancy rate in Europe. – dpa
____________________________________________________________________________________

You know, this is actually a damn freaking smart thing to do. The logic is, if you can't stop the horny kids from having sex, then encourage them to have sex in other ways so that there won't be any unwanted pregnancy.

In some countries, they have a programme for drug addicts which is called "needle swap" or something like that. They figure, if they can't stop people from taking drugs, then they might as well open a centre where drug addicts can go to to swap their used needles for new ones. That way, they can cut down on the spreading of HIV.

Back home, condoms are only sold to people above 18. I was once in a local 7-11 and a couple walked in hand in hand. They wanted to buy a pack of Durex, for obvious reasons. The fat lady behind the counter looked at them funny. Well, they didn't look 18. She asked for proof of age. They didn't have it on them apparently. So, she sent them away with a stern, "Kamu belum sampai 18, tak boleh beli!" (You are not 18 yet, you can't buy it!). I don't think that not having a condom would have stopped those 2 horny teens from going home and shagging anyway. In most Western countries, condoms are sold in vending machines in public toilets. That means it is openly accessible to anybody.

This should not be confused as encouraging kids to have sex. I don't think a vending machine in the toilet serves as a motivator anyway. But the logic is, if you can't stop them from doing it anyway, at least encourage them to do it safely - with a rubber sleeve. You prevent teen-pregnancy, you prevent the propagation of HIV, and you cut down the worries of having a baby dumped in a rubbish bin some 9 months later.

But of course, with all the dumb cows in our government, as well as the so called religous leaders with half no brains, there is no way in hell condoms would be sold in public toilets. I can imagine their reaction, "No. We cannot sell condoms openly as it would corrupt our youth and lead to the declination of moral values." If only they understood that their youth is already corrupted and shagging freely.

And of course, there is no fucking way that centres will be set up to give drug addicts new needles. Because drugs are a menace eh? Giving new needles would only serve to encourage more of "our youth" to take drugs. If only they knew that since "our youth" taking those drugs already have no money to buy drugs, would they bother buying new needles for hygeine purposes?

It requires a very open-minded government as well as an open-minded society to implement stuffs like this. These strategies should not be misconstrued as an act of encouraging social ills. People are going to have sex outside of marriage anyway with or without a condom. Drug addicts are going to inject themselves with crap anyway with or without clean needles. That is something that people need to understand, and once we see the bigger picture, then only can the problem be solved.

survey

Muahahahahaha.

Finally, somebody sends me a survey that I like. (Thanks Josh!) Questions which leaves a whole rooom for my cynical imagination to attack devour. Its 2.30pm and I woke up half an hour ago cause I was in George's house playing PS2 from 8pm until 6am this morning. So forgive me cause my brain is still feeling a bit sleepy.


Name Four Bad Habits You Have
1. Child prodigies don't have bad habits.

Name Four Things That You Wish You Had
1. the power of invisibility
2. x-ray vision
3. 100 zillion dollars
4. Anna Kournikova

Name Four Scents You Love Hate:
1. durian scented farts
2. durian scented burps
3. tuna
4. baked beans

Name Four Things You'd Never Wear
1. bra
2. pantyhose
3. santa claus costume
4. strap-on dildo

Name Four Things You Are Thinking Of Right Now:
1. damn theres a chunk of Frosties stuck in my molars
2. damn water does not get it off
3. damn my fingernails are too short to dig it out
4. fuck it, will settle it later

Name Four Things That You Have Done Today:
1. Breathe
2. Took a piss
3. Took a shit
4. Change a new roll of toilet paper

Name The Last Four Things You Have Bought Recently:
1. Pringles
2. Pringles
3. Pringles
4. FHM

Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink:
1. Methanol
2. Ethanol
3. Saliva
4. Grape juice laced with more methanol

Last Words You Said:
Machauhai...5am already ar?

Last Song You Sang?
Sing-a-long to my Winamp - Sixteen going on Seventeen (if you dunno where that song comes from, take a gun, put it in your mouth, and shoot)

Last Thing You Laughed At?
Women's inability to play PS2

Last Time You Cried?
30 minutes ago. I yawned so wide that you could fit a cow in my mouth. And then, salty rivers of eye excretions started to flow down and gather on my chin, watering the short and stumpy facial hairs which had grown overnight.

What Color Socks Are You Wearing?
Pink

What's Under Your Bed?
294 000 000 000 001 dust particles, on last count.

Current Clothes?
Birthday suit

Current Annoyance?
The fucking Frosties still stuck in my teeth

Current Longing?
Anna Kournikova

Current Desktop Picture?
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

Current Worry?
That the Sun will burn out and human beings will be extinct.

Current Hate?
Damn Frosties and Tony the tiger.

Favorite Physical Feature Of the Opposite Sex?
This is a fucking stupid question to ask a guy. Its like asking, is your father man or woman?

Favorite Place To Be?
In dreamland, where all the women look like Anna Kournikova and I am King.

Least Favorite Place?
Reality, where Anna is going to get married to a cow who has a big piece of fly-shit on his face.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

mob culture

In relation to my earlier post about gay marriages, there was a comment posted by a reader called elizabeth today:

"Bah! If you posted your 'argument' on any Internet message board, you'll be torned to pieCEs."

Actually, I do fucking agree with that. Well, not the part that says "argument". I thought I did state my points clearly.

But I do understand that I will be torn into pieces. NOT by rebutal facts though. I think I can easily handle myself well in an argument with people about things I believe in. Any of my mates can testify to that. You really don't want to start an argument questioning my believes. My mind works in such a way that I think everything through before I take a firm stand point. I anticipate every possible rebutal made and can well cope with shoving that point back at you.

However, I do realise that I will be "torn to pieces" by the mob mentality of every society. You see, most people, whether they admit it or not, actually give a shit about what other people think about them. A lot of people are scared of being called a bigot, a racist, or a sexist. Most people would like to see themselves as being a "modern human being" - fair in all judgement, very concerned about human rights and other stuffs like that.

That is why, when something bad happens, everybody goes hoo-hah about it. Its like a reflex action. Everybody voices their disgust. Everybody shouts out loud. Everybody wants to show the world that they are sensitive to stuffs, when in truth, some 6 months down the line, most of them would have forgotten about the incident.

Examples a plenty! Nobody talks about Canny Ong these days. Even when just a few days ago, the guy admitted guilty, the newspapers didn't make much a fuss about it. The same mob that demanded the guy be burned in all 184 levels of hell have dissapeared. The same mob which demanded he be castrated, then shot and hung have vanished without a trace. The ministers which so severely critised the incident have suddenly gone mute.

A few years ago, there was a case of an Indonesian maid getting beaten nearly to death by her employer(anybody even remember that? the picture in the front page is still clear in my memory..she was lying on a hospital bed almost dying, her face beyond recognition..but to be honest, I can't remember much else about it). It shocked the core out of everybody. Everybody voiced disgust back then. Now, when something similar had just happened, I have not read a single news article referencing that first maid abuse case which was MUCH MUCH WORSE. Whilst everybody seems to know the name of Nirmala Bonet now, I would gladly wager money that nobody can tell me the name of the first maid who got beaten and nearly died. So who dares step forward and claim that they REALLY care?

Yes. We do care. I care. But in truth, not that much really. So when bad stuffs happens, everybody jumps the bandwagon (hehe..jump where?). Everybody comes forward and voices displeasure, maybe to show the rest of the people that they are good people with good intentions and actually do sincerely give a shit. Yes, we do give a shit, but in truth, not that much of a shit.

Same issue with the gay people. Everybody wants to show other people that they are sensitive towards the needs of "different people". So, without really looking at both sides of the story, most people support the humane side. The side that is supported by the majority. The side that "human rights" deem appropriate. Elizabeth, has in her comment attacked the messenger (me) and not the message I was trying to convey.

No doubt in her words, I will be torn apart. Yes. By similar mob mentality. Nobody will bother tearing up my facts though. At the first mention of my difference in opinion, most people tear me up. When I do come up with theories of life (will blog on that one fucking fine day if I feel like it) common responses include : "How can you think like that? Its wrong! You are crazy!" But nobody stops to think, why is it wrong? Why is it crazy? Why is it not doable? They just know that its wrong since nobdy else thinks that way.

Some homosapiens have long and strong legs hence they can run faster than others. Some have strong arms and hence can throw further than others. But we all have a similar brain (while sometimes not true). And we all have to ability to think.

So here's something to think about :

1) Me getting grilled for my DIFFERENCE in opinion about gays.
2) Gays getting grilled for their DIFFERENCE in sexual preference by me (actually just the marriage part - like I said earlier, don't really give a hoot that they are gay).

Both are DIFFERENCES which have been critised. So how is my critisism of others any different from people's critisism of me?

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

byebye cockeyed

When I was in primary school, there was an old hag there, lets call her CockEyed. She was the assistant headmistress. She later got promoted to Headmistress when the nice old lady headmistress retired. Thank God I was already in Secondary school when that happened. Chatting with Andy today, I learned that CockEyed had retired last year, after some 15 years in that school.

Ordinarily, I would say that any teacher who stays so long in the same place is dedicated to her students and to the teaching profession. Not CockEyed though. She was a disgrace to the teaching profession. And had no fucking idea how to teach kids. The kids in that school are damn lucky that they won't have to be governed under such a cow.

When I was in Standard 2, just 6 years old, I remembered I wasn't a very fast student. That means, I couldn't copy things from the blackboard that qucikly. Partly cause I was a hyperactive kid. I didn't like to sit still and copy stuffs. So most of the time when the teacher was copying things down, I would stare into space and look aroud daydreaming. Naturally, I would then not be able to copy the stuffs down in time before the teacher erases the blackboard.

The teacher was also another skanky bitch who is not fit to be given the distinguished and well respected title of "teacher". But I will blog about her another day. Anyways, that bloody pontianak (female ghost) of a whore teacher was not too happy that I couldn't copy the stuffs down in time and she had to lend me other students books so that I could copy it. Though I don't know what the fuck the problem was, my Standard 1 teacher had no such problems. And I was much slower back then.

So Pontianak one day got pissed off and sent me to the headmistress office. Now, ordinarily, that wasn't too much of a problem, cause she was a nice sweet lady and would understand. But that day, she wasn't in. So I had to see CockEyed. The whore told CockEyed that I did not do my work. Which was partly true. But how the fuck could I do my work if I could not manage to copy it down?

I am a big fan of corporal punishment. But CockEyed was wrong. It was not my fault but she gave me a smack on the ass with a cane. To be honest, it wasn't much pain. Probably cause her big fat hands had high air resistance, ths slowing down the speed dramatically. She asked me to go back to class and warned me to do my work or else she would smack me again.

Now, obviously, I could not write much faster could I? Its not something that you could even if you tried. Two days later, the whore sent me to her again, and she gave me 2 smacks on the ass again. Machauhai. Not happy. Later, Pontianak got bored with me and didn't care whether I finished copying it or not and leaved me to do my own stuffs.

Fast forward 7 years later. I was in secondary school which shares the same compound as the primary school. Usually don't go home straight after school. We play football for about an hour in the field. After that, the whole school is almost deserted. After the game, we walked to the car park and we saw CockEyed's car there. Stupid woman had just been promoted to headmistress, so she probably had lots of work to do. Good.

My friend John wasn't too pleased with her from before. Apparently, she smacked his ass because he made a paper plane and threw it around. So we consipire to do something to make her regret her actions. But we are nice people you see. Scratching the car serves no purpose. Her car was covered in scratches and dents anyway. Puncturing the tyre was evil cause it would set her back a couple hundred ringgit. And we all know that a teacher's pay isn't that great.

John came up with an idea. He picked up a small pebble from the tar road. Opened the air valve cover for the tyre. Put the pebble in it and screwed it back in. Pssssssstt. Music to our ears. The pebble was pressing against the valve and letting the air escape. Then someone asked, what the fuck you guys do that for? Minor inconvenience only. Summore its not as though that fat bitch will change the tyre herself. Probably ask the school guard to change it for her. And we like the old guy so we didn't wanna trouble him.

Another guy, Bruce then suggested to let the air out of 2 tyres so that she can't get the security guard to change it anyway since the car has only one spare tyre. To which John said, "Fuck, might as well do all 4 tyres." Finally, I came up with a solution which everybody agreed upon. We let the air out of 3 tyres. Why 3? Because I am very kuai lan (fuck..dont know how to translate it, something like being obnoxious). The logic behind it : 3 causes the most inconvenience, but stopping short of being a total fucker. Sort of like a tongue in the cheek thing you know. No fucking idea what she did about it though.

Kids have a fucking long memory. They remember good teachers. I still remember the names of all my primary school teachers (except the std 4 teacher, cause she was nothing special). But they also remember all the hopeless unfair teachers which disgrace the noble profession. Those are the scumbags like Pontianak, where in 10 years time when I make my first million, I will hunt them down and tell them:

Vincent : Hey. You remember me? You taught me before. You punished me for no reason.

Pontianak : Yes, I hear you are successful now.

Vincent : Yes, but you in no way contributed to my success.

originality please!

Very often, we hear and read stuffs that we have come across before. There are, however a few overused terms which, in all fairness started off as a good term. However, as time progressed, more and more people seemed to like the idea of using those terms or phrases to make them sound intellectual and smart, but in the process ended up prostituting the great phrases, making them sound boring and mundane.

Here are a few phrases which I have heard off way too often for my liking and even more so in the recent few days:

1) That rapist/murderer/fucker is a real animal. But then again, animals don't treat other animals like that, only humans do.
Yes, yes. Humans are big time asses. You made your point clear enough. No need to get dramatic with the animals.

2) At the end of the day, we played a great game, composed ourselves and walk away with the deserved point.
This is a favourite term used by footballers. At the end of which fucking day? The "end of the day" is the period before midnight, not at 430pm when the football game ends!

3) Jump the bandwagon
Jump what?? I have heard this phrase 3 times in the last 2 days. No shits. Again, jump where??

I reckon, now I have to go out and start making some new terms for people to use.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

happily ever after

On MSN:

Tinkerbell : Wei..Sandra finally got bf already...did you know?

Vincent : Yeah, I saw on friendster...she looks better than ever...hows she? You still talk to her ar?

Tinkerbell : I purposely emailed her and asked...eheheheee

Vincent : tsk tsk...you women damn busybody you know..

Tinkerbell : Glad that the ending is a good one...and she gets to be with that guy...happy for her..

Vincent : ending? so fast end ar?

Tinkerbell : nola

Vincent : ahahah....i knowla.. just being cheeky laaaaa

Tinkerbell : I meaning the pursuing 'chapter' la...now is happy ever after chapter

Vincent : Happily ever after adee meh? Get married adee and have kids adee ar?....muahahahahaahah...

Tinkerbell : .....


Moral of the story : If you say stuffs like that to me, I promise to humour you in the most idiotic way.

Monday, May 24, 2004

encounter with a skeleton

Its been a traumatising past 3 days for me. On Saturday, I saw a ghost. It was a horrible sight. My nightmares haven't even subsided yet. To compound all that shit, I saw a fucking skeleton today.

I had a paper - my final paper today. Its a business subject which they force us engineering students to do. What the fuck for, I have no fucking idea. Anyways, as I enter the exam hall and take my seat, composing myself for the paper, suddenly this female skeleton walks in. Or at least I reckon its female judging from the bone structure. It takes a seat next to me. Scares the fuck out of me.

I mean, this skeleton, it has a body that aneroxic women would be jealous of. Reminded me of He-Man's nemesis Skeletor. Skeletor was barely 3 feet away from me and I decided to checkout its body. Absolutely no fucking flesh on it. Like a bag of dog food bones. Its cheekbones were very visible, you could tell that if it had more flesh, it would look much prettier. The fingers, or whatever the fuck you call those matchsticks claws protruding out from the front of the cantilever beams sort of reminded me of Wolverine.

The paper then starts and I start writting away furiously. Damn those business subjects. I wrote 7 full pages in 2 hours. I actually had a lot more that I could write but time was a constraint and my fingers felt like they were going to drop off. The little finger was numb and totally devoid of any feeling. I had to take a toilet break to wash my hands, run it through some warm water to wake up the damn receptors. Big mistake. Upon re-entering the cool exam hall, the water on my hand cooled off and now I was in the risk of suffering from hypothermia.

Anyways, 7 fucking pages in 2 hours was a lot. Well, at least to me. After finishing my paper just 2 minutes before time was up, I had a look around. Skeletor was checking through her answer sheet. Being a busybody prick, I counted the number of pages she wrote. TEN! SEPULUH! DIECI! DIEZ! DIX! ZEHN! Whatever fucking language you say it in, it will still stun me and my engineer classmates. These business students are fucking crazy!

Now I know why Skeletor had to maintain the broomstick figure. Especially on the fingers. I reckon, its so that it won't feel as much pain as normal human beings when writting excessive amounts of words. Although, putting more thought into it, it might be the case of the Chicken and Egg story. Either Skeletor had grown the fingers in such a way that it would feel no pain, OR it evolved over time and constant writting to develope thin claw-like fingers. I don't know. Thats another dilemma to figure out. Its been a confusing as well as traumatic past few days.

But then again, this didn't affect me as badly as the ghost. Cause I am not scared of skeletons. I reckon, just one kick or one punch, with no flesh to protect it, it would be very vulnerable to multiple hairline fractures. But I dunno. I guess I can only try it if Skeletor attacks me.

Scary shits in my uni I tell you. Not for the faint hearted.

mental masturbation 2

Muahahahahahaha.

Studying, or apparent "studying" brings out out the best in me.

Mental masturbation at its peak.

In that earlier article, I said that my ultimate goal was to finish a minesweeper game in under 3 minutes. Well, now I have no more short term targets left because I just set a new minesweeper record at 171 seconds to be precise. Minesweeper is too easy a game. Any sohai should be able to play it.

Damn. Now that I have achieved my target, I am left clueless on what to do next. Any suggestions?

Moral of the story : Never set targets for yourself. Its an unhealthy practice. Those motivational people know squat about motivation. If you fail, you get pissed off with yourself and look stupid. If you succeed, there's nothing left for you to achieve anymore, then you feel bored and jobless. In short, setting goals and targets only serve to demoralise you, whatever the damn outcome is.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

short forms

I was surfing through Friendster and I noticed one common thing. People like refering to "testimonial" as "testi". Add the plural form to that, and you get "testis". WTF? Is there no better short form to give it? And if there really isn't, then is it really that hard to add in the last few letters to the word instead of calling a "testimonial" a bloody sperm making machine?

Its like calling someone an a-hole. This is another stupid phenomena. If you wanna call somebody an ASSHOLE, then do so using the correct word. Why call people "A-hole"? Its still an insult anyway. What's the freaking difference betweek an asshole and an a-hole? Might as well complete it eh? Besides, "A-hole" literally reminds me of a hole. Like a rabbit's burrow. So it sounds fucking stupid.


Saturday, May 22, 2004

encounter with a ghost

**WARNING - Might contain some graphic scenes. Please leave now if you are the type who is easily disturbed and might get nightmares**

People who don't believe in the supernatural should have been in my shoes today. I have always believed in ghosts and spirits, and my believes were strengthened today. Its a beautiful Saturday morning. The sun was shining but it wasn't too hot. I had just finished another paper today. Curse them for making me sit for an exam on FA Cup Final day. After the paper, I felt lazy to go home and cook lunch. Instead, I took a detour to the Student Union shop to buy a sandwich. It was a decision that I would live to regret.

Firstly, the Union Shop was packed. I reckon a lot of people had just finished their exam and were in no mood to cook lunch. After finally deciding to settle for an Egg and Bacon sandwich, I proceeded to queue in the mother of all queues.

Then I saw it. It was right in front of me. A she-ghost. Almost one head taller than myself, and mind you, I am no short fuck. She It was wearing a damn thick trentcoat like in Matrix. Now, as I said earlier, the weather was just fine so she it must have been melting. But then again, I might be wrong. Maybe ghosts don't feel heat. I shrugged away that thought.

Tilting my head upwards, I noticed that she it had dreadlocked hair. Now, I have never seen dreadlocks up close before. I took one step closer so that I could have a better view of it. Big fucking mistake. She It smelled like as though it hadn't showered in days months years. Either that or the perfume she it used was a toilet air-freshener. Lemon flavour. My sensitive nose immediately jammed my senses trying to decipher the stench of rotten stuffs. And it started to bleed. (Lesson of the day : Its not just chune chicks that can make guy's nose bleed)

Due to the overwhelming whiff toilet fresherner, I took a huge step back and took a long deep breath. I was lucky that I did it quickly enough, else I might have fainted in the middle of the Union Shop. But I was still curious about the damn dreadlocks. I have no idea how it is put together. I had to be just content with examining it from a far. I may be wrong but from my observations, I can conclude that it looks like bits of short 1cm long hair picked up from the floor of a hairdresser's shop and glued together to form a 5mm diameter rope. And I THINK that rope is then tied to your original hair. But I might be wrong.

Suddenly, as I was still staring at the dreadlocks, she it turned round and caught me in the act. OMFG! I was damn scared. Her Its nose looked like a monkey pig. The tip was sharp and pointy and seem to curve upwards. No shits. I had never seen another nose like that before. But then again, this was my first encounter with a ghost, so I wouldn't know. She It stared at me with its bloodshot eyes.

At this moment, I was trembling in fear. My testicles had suddenly shrunk to the size of a pea and my bladder was contracting, ready to burst the dam of yellowish juices. My face must have looked as pale as her its face. Although my face isn't covered in quite as many freckles though. For what seemed like eternity the ghost kept staring at me, maybe contemplating whether or not to eat me. I kept chanting holy verses in my mind hoping to dispel it.

It worked. God was on my side today. She It suddenly became afraid of looking at me and turned and to face the counter again. Thank the greater powers of heaven. I was saved. But till now, I have one more dilemma. I still can't decide what the those shit-brown coloured dreadlocks are more similar to. Jut rope or a cow's tail?

I guess that I will figure it out sooner or later. My brain is kinda tired from the exam.


P/S: Sorry for the many wording mistakes in this article. I dunno why, but I kept thinking that IT was a SHE. Many apologies.

Friday, May 21, 2004

lick it baby, lick it

One of man's good inventions are self adhesive stuff. All you need to do I add water and they stick. Like envelopes and stamps. Unfortunately, I am astounded by the stupidity of humans. Yes, you need moisture to stick those stuffs. And the best source of moisture is your tongue. But why the fuck do people insist on licking the damn adhesive part?

I reckon its more hygienic to lick the rim of the toilet bowl. Because at least it is washed with soap every week or so. But the adhesive on the stamp is fucking dirty. Only God the factory workers know what kinda shit is stuck to the glue. Imagine a huge pot where they mix the chemicals and stuff. Say, a few rats drop in and die. Add a few cockroaches if you wish. Then, they use that same chemical and coat the envelope or stamp. 2 months down the line, some sohai decides to lick the thing.

Two hours ago I just finished an exam. We are required to seal the corner of the exam book to cover our names (so that the stupid marker can't mark unfairly). Now, that seal is the same adhesive that I am talking about. Well, sort of the same. You see, in envelopes and stamps, they are transparent in colour. But this stupid thing was fucking brown. To be precise, shit brown. (for a defination on shit brown, click here)

I licked my finger coating it with spit, and then used my finger to apply the spit onto the adhesive. I only managed to coat half of it with my body fluids. So I had to lick my finger again. I made a mistake. I licked the same finger. Motherfucking shit! I could taste some weird crap. Not sweet, salty, sour or bitter. Even my superior taste bud could not tell which animal had shitted in the chemicals in the factory. Immediately, I stood up and cleared my throat, gathering a huge lump of phelgm and spit and fucking propelled the poison into the invigilator's face. The crap landed smack in the middle of his forehead, and like acid, it ate away his forehead and dripped into his eyeballs, temporarily blinding him. My classmates thanked later thanked me for taking out one invigilator so it was much easier for them to copy.

And then later, I saw a fucking dumb cunt sitting 2 seats away from my left licking the damn thing! I looked at her face to see her disgusted expression to but the stupid cow didn't show any. She must have liked the taste because barely 2 seconds after licking the damn thing, she protruded her tongue again and again, sort of like a big fat monitor lizard. I reckon she had totally drenched the paper with her spit.

To my right, another sohai was doing exactly the same fucking thing! It was like watching porn. He looked fucking happy as he was licking the sticky stuffs. I could have sworn he had a wide grin on his face and a bulge in his pants. He probably was thinking about something of his girlfriend's which tasted the same as that foul tasting glue, but nonetheless it was something that he had licked so passionately just the night before.

Oh. I forgot to add. The paper I did was an optional module for me but was compulsory for Manufacturing Engineering students. Of all fucking people, they should know how fucking dirty a manufacturing plant is. But well, I forgive them. Exams are designed to make you stupid. But make me smarter.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

toilet seats

From CNN:

Talking toilet orders men to sit down

BERLIN, Germany (Reuters) -- A German inventor who developed a gadget that berates men if they try to use the toilet standing up has sold more than 1.6 million devices, his business manager said on Tuesday.

German women fed up with a man with a poor aim can turn to the ghost-shaped gadget, which lurks under the toilet rim and, if the seat is lifted, declares in a stern female tone:

"Hello, what are you up to then? Put the seat back down right away, you are definitely not to pee standing up ... you will make a right mess..."

Alex Benkhardt, 46, invented the "WC Ghost" and its creators are in negotiations to market it in Britain, Canada and Italy.
______________________________________________________________


Damn! I suspect the inventor who is a guy, actually doesn't have a dick which he can piss from. Why, why on earth would a guy want to sit down and take a piss when he can stand? It doesn't make much fucking sense.

And how the fuck did it sell 1.6 million units? Fuck. If a stupid toilet were to scold me for putting up the toilet seat, do you think I would give a shit? At least if you want to invent something, invent something that maybe collects all the piss that doesn't go into the bowl. Then maybe use that piss and channel it through some kind of water gun to shoot it back into the persons face. Now that would be more useful.

Which brings me to my next point. We always hear women complaining that men don't put the seat down after using it. Now, I am fucking puzzled. Guys need it UP. Girls need it DOWN. But guys never complain if the seat is down. Why the fuck should I be obliged to put the seat down after taking a piss?


Moral of the story : Everybody takes a piss. Don't make such a fucking big deal about it.

new stuffs

*this is actually an ego post disguised as an updates post. Ignore it if u wish*

As a lot of people might already know, Blogger launched their new look page about a week ago. With it, they added a few more nicer templates as well as allowing the user to post a picture and their profile.

Blah. I hate ready made stuffs.

I prefer to use my own crap even though its not as nice. Its something personal. I prefer doing things the hard way. The stupid way. But damn do I feel proud of myself. Even though my knowledge of coding sucks, this is all my own work which I taught myself HTML. Why am I saying all this stuffs? You might have noticed that I changed the font style. I prefer this to the old one. But do feedback, if our eyes are failing you and you find it hard to read the words.

same-sex marriage

This topic has been in the news a lot recently. I think that good arguments can be made on both sides. But this is something I am against. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate gay people. I don't even care if you, my dear reader are gay. Thats not my issue. Your life is your life.

But I do draw a line when people are different, and they try to shove those differences in the face of others, yelling out loud, advertising the fact that they are different and that everybody else has to accept it. As I said, I do accept the difference, but at my own pace and at my own liking. I despise it when it is shoved in my face forcing me to accept in on the spot.

Some people say that gay couples should be granted the same rights as everybody else. Aye. Human rights crap again. Fair enough. But get this right. Marriage is NOT a fundamental human right. Like, for example, you can't get married to your blood relative. Or you can't marry more than one person at a time, even though in some of the above cases, genuine love might exist.

Again, I reiterate that while there is nothing wrong at all with same sex relationships and that homosexual couples should still have rights, the fact remains that they are different from a heterosexual relationship because of a simple reason - they are unable to produce children of their own.

The community of every living creature, from a single cell amoeba to a big sperm whale has one main objective - the propagation of their society through the production of offspring. And so, since heterosexual marriage is likely to produce offspring (lets ignore infertile people) it is allowed and encouraged by granting certain benefits to married couples which would not be shared by everybody else.

Same sex relationships, on the other hand cannot produce offspring naturally and thus do not contribute to the continuation of society. So, why should they be granted social benefits such as tax rebates granted to married couples with children?

Opposing gay marriage is not the same as objecting the existance of homosexuals. I believe that the most that society can do is to strike a balance between despising homosexual unions and actually promoting same sex marriages. A big fat bold line has to be drawn at tolerance of homosexuals - unfortunately many Malaysians are unable to find that line as it is stuck quite far up their arse (you didn't possibly think I could publish on whole blog without sarcasm did you?). And that should be the end of it.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

OMFG! OMFG! OMFG!

WARNING
**this is gonna be an exceptionally long blog. But read it. You won't fucking regret it. As you can see, even the title is written in capital letters, something that I have never done in the past**


Yesterday, I stumbled upon something fucking interesting from this guy called Viewtru's blog. In one of the archives, I found this:

AWM - Automatic Wanking Machine


WTF?? Japanese people invent all sorts of stuffs. I reckon, every weird shit that you can think off, the Japs have already done it. I mean, who in the right sense of mind would use that? Well, besides people with no hands that is. My Thai friend, lets call her Minnie, she reckons that since girls have dildos and vibrators, guys should have something of that sort.

But Minnie is wrong. You see, a dildo and a vibrator represents a dick. Something that women don't have. If at all, the invention should be something that represents a cunt - something guys don't have. But why the fuck invent something that we already have?

Shit, I reckon, stuffs like these are invented not to be used. They are invented for decoration. Its something that you put in your living room, say on the coffee table. And when guests come, its something to show them and let them laugh at it, maybe even switch it on, touch the rubber part, and laugh more (provided they trust you when you tell them that you never used it before).

Today, I was chatting on MSN with a few of my juniors from school. I started chatting with Andy who is now in college. We started talking about scout stuffs (going camping when I get back to Malaysia during holiday). And then, another guy Seta, who is now in Form 5 and is currently the scout troopleader came online. We invited him to join the conversation to plan the camp. Not very interesting. Yet.

You put a bunch of guys together and they will talk about dirty stuffs sooner or later. The topic of Benjamin then popped up. Benjamin is a Form 3 kid and one of the scouts too. We recalled a similar conversation merely 4 days ago when the bunch of us were talking and somebody said "wanking". Benjamin didn't know what that meant. And we were in no mood to teach him. He even said, "Eh, nobody teach me, how I know what it is?" To which Andy said "Eh retard, this is not something that ANYBODY will teach you." I think I said something like, "Yeah. Fuck. This kinda thing is self study."

So back to today's event. In the midst of talking dirty stuffs I showed them the AWM website. Among the comments were, " Haha. Fuck, surely Benjamin won't know what it is for." And at the moment, Benjamin came online, and we invited him to join the chatroom. And then showed him the website.

Benjamin: bah....wht's dat website about

Vincent: hahahahahahahahahahahahaahah

Andy: lolz

Benjamin: to help u hold stuf?

Vincent: hahahaahahahahahaa...fuck! HOLD STUFF!?!?!?!

Andy: dumasss...hold what cup arr??

Seta: to hold "things"

Benjamin: ?

Vincent: sssh ssssh....dun teach him...hehehe

Benjamin: tell lar

Vincent: ask ur chick...see what ur chick say

(yeah! Fucking big surprise eh? He has a girlfriend! Wonder what they do when they are alone?)

Benjamin: ook...but my chick dun come on9 lar

Andy: ben...what do you think it holds??

Vincent: fuckkkkkkkkkkkk...eh mch...u hav no idea how much i m laffing ok

Benjamin: whats mch?

(at this point, I was laughing so hard, a trickle of tear flowed down my cheek and nearly short-circuited my keyboard. Also, I was getting stomach cramps. But that is unrelated, I think it had something to do with what I had for lunch)

Vincent: Mch = MuCH

Seta: hahaha...this is what happen when you spoonfeed kids too much..

Benjamin: so what does it do lar…..hit underwear?

Vincent: WTF is “hit underwear?”

Benjamin: Oh! I know already! massager

Vincent: yeah!! Finally..correct..massager!!!

Benjamin: massage wht

(humour has subsided, sarcasm now kicks in)

Andy: massage wat, vincent??

Vincent: hand la!! Wat else do u think? Its the shape of a hand...massage hand laa!!

Benjamin: huh?? How??

Vincent: Fuck, you play piano oso dunno meh??? Before playing, fingers stiff, u massage them, make them relaxed, then can play better mah

Benjamin: Oh...but you see the 4th pic. Why the picture show him putting it at there?

Vincent: Oh that wan...u want to relax mah..lie down la...

Andy: Yaler...its a massage wat..hahahaha

Benjamin: Weird....sure or not wan?

Vincent: Eh fuck. You get massage dun tell me you stand up meh? Lie down and relax mah....so gotta rest the thing somewhere mah.

Benjamin: Hmmmm...ok...but why put there?

Vincent: Haiyah..you stand up straight, hands by ur side...tell me your fingers reach until where? Near your penis there rite?

Benjamin: Yeah......so?

Vincent: So? So when you relaxing you surely put your hands straight wat..its a finger massager...so put at where the fingers are la....so thats the best place to put it laa...rest it there la...

Andy: Yaler dumbass...simple things oso dunno meh?

Benjamin: Oooohh...now i know la..next time i dunno things...i ask...then i know la..



Aaaaaa fuck man!!! What the fuck is wrong with our education system?

1) Kids don't seem to know things that they should be proficient in at that age. But they seem to be getting more As for exams than we ever did.

2) Kids believe anything you tell them without questioning. That is how the education system moulds them.


I hope that when Benjamin and his girlfriend grow up and get married, they know that they need to have sex to have children and not wait for Cinderella's fairy godmother to make her pregnant. Or even worse, I hope they don't expect a fat man riding on a reindeer sledge to deliver them a baby. (Oh fuck wait....thats Christmas. Got mixed up. Sorry)

But don't say people can't be that stupid! Things like these do happen! Don't believe me? Found this on Metalrage's blog : Childless couple told to have sex

Ah. FUCK. What a world.

expired

Dinner was simple today. I ate two packets on Indomie (a brand of instant noodles) which I had shipped from Malaysia in September. As ridiculous as it sounds to many people, Indomie is not available here, and a lot of students ship food stuffs that they cannot get here. Some people send a few parcels laden with Malaysian food, but me, I only sent parcel long ago.

Needless to say, whatever Indomie I shipped here earlier is precious comodity. Other stuffs like Mentos and Hacks which cannot be found here is useful when bribing Malaysian friends for favours such as introducing a chick or something like that. Or copying coursework.

Today, I finished the last two packets of Indomie that I brought. As I was throwing away the wrapper, I noticed the expiry date on it was 20 05 04. Today is the 17th. However, this brings up something that I had always wondered about. Some stuffs have specific expiry dates.

Common stuff, fresh stuff like milk and bread usual print an exact expiry date to guide you when you should finish the food stuff by. Otherwise they will grow stuffs. And eating those stuffs makes you visit the toilet a lot the next day.

But stuff like Indomie, and some biscuits I have seen, they specify an expiry date one year or two years in the future. Why? Do the fucking manufacturers implant Indomie with some biological internal calender? Does that mean that my packet of Indomie will automatically grow green stuffs on the 20th of May?

Obviously not! So why the fuck did they find it wise to waste ink and print the exact date? They could have printed 05/04 or 05 04 or something like that and it won't have made a fucking difference. Think about it. The way they are doing it now they have to print 6 digits. My way, they only print 4. That is a 33% reduction in printing costs. Shit. Simple economics. Why are manufacturers wasting their stupid money printing expiry dates which are not even accurate?

Cause they are fucking stupid thats why.

Monday, May 17, 2004

mental masturbation

Different people have different methods of releasing stress. Sometimes, in our busy lives, we need to just sit back and relax. Clear our minds. Make it a happy mind. Now, in the midst of exam fever, we resort to different techniques of pleasuring their brains : some people listen to music, some people watch tv, others take a nap. Some surf porn and wank.

Me, I play minesweeper. I reckon, minesweeper is mental masturbation at its finest. After few hours of triple integrations and block diagrams, I find that playing minesweeper is the ultimate kick. It calms my mind, lowers my pulse rate and gives me a satisfaction like no other.

A lot of people will say that Minesweeper is based on luck (I am talking about the 'expert' stage - the rest are for stupid retards). Unskilled people say that when you reach a straight line, you have to leave the rest of it to chance. That is only true 2/10 times. The rest of the time, its skill and fast thinking.

Today, I recorded one of my proudest acheivements ever. I managed to smash my old minesweeper record for the expert level. My new record stands at 199 seconds. New target : to finish it in under 3 minutes.

Exams? What exams?


**Post publication entry - 2 hours after writting the above article, I now have a new record - 187 seconds - FUCK - 7 seconds short of ultimate glory

Saturday, May 15, 2004

disciplining kids

Found this in today's Star newspaper. Here are some lines which I copied from the article:

What Singapore centres can’t do to kids

CALLING a pre-schooler “stupid”, threatening him or ordering him to stand in the corner as punishment could be considered an offence.

This means calling a child names like “good for nothing” is out. This is seen as hurting his self-esteem.

So how do you keep a naughty child in check? The ministry said it should be done with dignity and firmness, and he should be told clearly why his actions were wrong. – The Straits Times/Asia News Network



I think policy makers are the biggest sohais in the world. While I do agree that SOME young kids have fragile minds and are easily traumatised, some kids, you just have to smack them to shut them up.

I would like to be a 5 year old kid again, and see how those stupid fucks intend to discipline me "with dignity and firmness, and he should be told clearly why his actions were wrong". Haha. WTF? The bloody teachers will get heart attack before they succeed in making me sit still. The only way I could be made to sit still was either by smacking me, or forcing me to stand outside the class - two punishments which have now been ruled out.

Adults these days are a bit too concerned about "traumatising kids" and "hurting their self esteem". Fuck I dunno any of my classmates who were traumatised and grew up to have a low self esteem. If at all, after all the whipping, my self esteem got boosted sky high. Should train kids these days to be stronger and not so fucking pampered. The way to go : cane their ass until they obey!

troy

*No spoilers about the movie but look away now if you didn't already know the story of Troy, Archilles and his heel, and the stupid wooden horse*

A few comments which keep running through my mind:

1) Helen of Troy. The face that launched a thousand ships. Wait till you see the body!! Too bad they censore stuffs in Malaysia. Muahahaha. Guess you guys back home have to wait for the DVD then. Didn't get to see enough of her during the movie though.

2) Orlando Bloom proves me right yet again. The guy is meant only to act in stupid faggoty roles. In Black Hawk Down (also with Eric Bana) his character died even before the main story. Died by falling off the helicopter. In LOTR, he played a faggot elf with hair so smooth and wavy, Head & Shoulders could have used him to do an advertisement to sell some shampoo to the Orcs. Here, he again acts as a dumb shit who can't fight, has no honour, and hell of a bad shot with the bow and arrow.

3) The love scenes were more of a comic. There was one scene with Archilles and his chick which caused the whole cinema to laugh instead of getting turned on. Bad move by the scripwriters.

4) How the fuck does ONE MAN influence the war so much? Greek army had 50 000 men. How does Archilles and his pals, adding up to a grand total of 50 men decide whether the Greeks win the war or not? Take 100 Trojans to just smack him during the battle, all together, surely the arrogant bastard will die eh?

5) They should have built a better looking horse. The horse in the movie is so ugly, its not even fit to be used in a kindergarten play. If you notice, you can see some holes in the horse, which means that the Trojans would be able to see the men inside the horse.

6) The movie concentrated on the Trojan people talking non-stop about their Gods,which to a certain extent says they lost the war because they believed in their Gods too much. Does this send a message?

Rating : 3/5 - Didn't help that I already knew the story. Acting wasn't too great. Special effects weren't anything special. Love scenes didn't work out. Nice sound effects though. And the best part : this show even makes the girls hate Orlando Bloom for being a faggot.

Friday, May 14, 2004

sick & stupid bastards

*Disturbing blog. Leave now if you are easily traumatised*

I was checking nedstats just now. Its an ego thing you see. Check it a few times a day to monitor the visitors to my site. Major ego booster....or deflator. One of the more interesting things to look at are how people managed to stumble upon my blog, which link they clicked and so on.

Nedstat even allows me to check the exact Google word search done by people to get to my page. Nothing new since I check it everyday. Sometimes a few times a day. However, today, I stumbled upon two very contrasting keyword searches.

The first which was searched on Google to get to my site :

PICTURES + OF + THIN + ANOREXIC + GIRLS

Now, I am not the type to be easily disturbed. But this is pushing the fucking limit! Which sick motherfucker out there gets his jollies by wanking off to pictures like those? Upon calming myself, I figured, there are two types of people who would search for pictures like that. The first, school children or university students who were asked to do some kinda research project. Thank God if that was really the case. But second, and the more likely probability, are seriously disturbed individuals who are a danger to the fucking society which need to be kept in a zoo.


The second, more interesting keyword search was :

I + NEED + HELP + FROM + THE + RICHEST + MAN + IN + MALAYSIA + ANANDA + KRISHNAN

This got me laughing my ballocks off. I mean, if you need help, write him a letter or something dude. Especially, since it can be perceived that the help this dumb fuck needs is of monetary matters. Did the retard type in those words into Google and expect to find a website set-up by Uncle Krishnan which would donate money to people who visited the site? Actually, I am kinda speechless to think about what other reason someone would type in those few keywords to ask for help. Really. Any suggestions from anybody?


I have already established previously that there are a lot of itchy men out there. Especially with the Andrea Veronica Fonseka story. Now, I can add a few more adjectives to that list. Sick. And stupid. But stupid is not really counted. Stupid people exist all around me anyway. So its just the sick fuckers out there that need to be locked up.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

ouch!

In today's edition of The Sun newspaper in Uk

Nurse is a willy yanker
A NURSE left a patient aged 89 in agony by yanking an inflated catheter the size of an EGG out of his penis, a disciplinary hearing was told.
It was one of a string of blunders by Mary Dickinson, 62, at a nursing home in Bourne, Lincs, the Nursing and Midwifery Council heard.
She is alleged to have cleaned a patient’s ears with scissors and sedated another with morphine in Horlicks. She denies the claims. The case goes on.


The thoughts that ran through my mind as I was reading this :

1) Ouch

2) Fuck! OUCH!

3) How the fuck do you pull out an egg sized thing out of a dick? Diameter of the uretra is what......5mm? Diameter of the egg is fucking 30mm!! Can it even come out of the 5mm hole without exploding the dick?

4) How do you clean a somebody's ear with a pair of scissors? If you say it was cleaned with a floor rug, I can still understand....but I just can't imagine a way you can clean it with scissors!

5) If EVER some skanky whore of an insolent slut yanks an egg sized object out of my dick, doesn't matter if I am 89 years old like the guy or a 105 years old, I can make sure that the same object will be shoved so far up her ass, that her shit will be pushed so deep inside and forced to come out her mouth. And then maybe force the shit back down her mouth, to push out the eggy object from her ass for her to keep, so that she could remember me by.


*Post publication entry*
PS : On second thoughts, forget my statement in number 5. Its too messy to be carried out. I will have to wash my hands after that. Inconvenient. Instead, I will just settle for smacking the daylights out of that good-for-nothing cow and resort to voodoo to curse her ass and her intestines to shrink to 1/1000th of its original size. That way, it would be too small to contain much waste. So everytime she eats just a wee bit of food, she has to shit it out few minutes later.

PPS : Its been half an hour since I read the article. I still feel for the old guy.

dumb pis'o shit

Some low life moron added me on MSN Messenger this afternoon. He has a stupid nick called "miss u alwayz" probably mourning over the death of his goldfish. I was taking a break from studying, so I thought I would humour him.


vincent says : hello...who are u?

miss u alwayz says: cool kidz..jux call me dat

vincent says: do i know u?

miss u alwayz says: ya...if not i wun add u also rite?

vincent says: i dunno any uncoolkid..who the hell are u?

miss u alwayz says: draco malfoy
[his display pic is the pic of that stupid harry potter character]

vincent says: great..me..i m the chimpanzee...wat is the chimp tellin u?
[my display pic is a pic of a chimp showing two middle fingers]

miss u alwayz says: u're da guy dat like to cheat small kidz n write stupid stuff on websites

vincent says: great...u noe wat else?....i hate clowns

miss u alwayz says: clowns??? hu?

vincent says: the dumb fuck i m talking to now

miss u alwayz says: hmm..duno hu's talking to u now..hus dat?...i m now in msn…msging u

Vincent says: oooh...u are IN msn?..u in the computer huh...like matrix? u remind me of the old bitch who makes the cookies and cant talk properly

miss u alwayz says: ya?...wonder hus dat

vincent says: the old bitch nearly died in the end

miss u alwayz says: icic...hmm...pityful

Vincent says: u stupid ar?.....neva watch matrix b4 meh?

miss u alwayz says: nopz..i dun watch lame shows

vincent says: ooohhhh..so harry potshit is damn cool la?

miss u alwayz says: ya….hmm..btw...tell me more bout u…

Vincent says: and why the hell wud i wanna do that?

miss u alwayz says: my fren gave me ur email add...he says if i wanna make frens..make frens wif u wor

vincent says: ohhh....but why didnt u go make frens wid the dog by the road side?..i reckon its more suited to ur kind

miss u alwayz says: i dun think so

vincent says: but u duno much...so i m telling u that its true

miss u alwayz says: hmm..u're realli a joker…my fren says dat u write rubbish on da net..is it true??

Vincent says: yups..and u are relli a dumb shit too

miss u alwayz says: huh?my name is coolkidz..not dumb shit..my lord

vincent says: u heard of tea leaf reading?

miss u alwayz says: wats dat?

Vincent says: see...like i sed...dumb fuck...dunno much things......

Vincent says: tea leaf reading is..after u drink tea........u look at the leaf to tell the future...after drinking tea this morning…the leaves told me that i wud be talkin to a retard.....

miss u alwayz says: wau..dats nice..i shall try it next time...anything else?

Vincent says: no no...i dun think so

miss u alwayz says: hmm..no wonder my fren ask me to add u in msn…says dat i will like u

vincent says: cuz ur fren oso another retard

[At that moment, he suddenly changed his display pic to a picture of a skanky dog puppy]

Vincent says: eh?...u change the pic to ur real pic already ar?

miss u alwayz says: hmm??dats pic reminds me of u mahh…dats y i chnage lor

Vincent says: oooohh....i dun think thats a very good idea...after ur doggie frens by the road side see it..how then?

miss u alwayz says: u realli tok rubbish n nonsence as my,fren said..no wonder he ask me to think 2ce b4 adding u

vincent says: u listen to everything ur fren say ar?....think for urself laaa...ownself no head meh? ur fren stupid u follow him stupid ar?

miss u alwayz says: hmm..u noe hu ask me to add u a not?

Vincent says: nope...but dun giv much of a shit

miss u alwayz says: well..u dun wanna know?

Vincent says: not really

miss u alwayz says: my fren ask me not to tell...but u wnna know a not?

Vincent says: den dun tell laa!!

miss u alwayz says: he ask me to kacau u

Vincent says: eh sohai....ur fren ask u to keep secret very hard meh? wat kinda fren are u la? haissh...go look in the mirror....take a good long hard look at ur face...

Vincent says: and question why u exist on this planet....simple secret oso canot keep meh? then go to temple if u buddhist...or church if u are christian.....go ask for holy water…write my name on a piece of paper....burn it and mix wid the holy water and drink!

miss u alwayz says: i shall forward dis to evry1

Vincent says: please do

miss u alwayz says: y?

Vincent says: u shud be ashamed of urself

miss u alwayz says: y?

Vincent says: simple secret oso canot keep...wanna betray ur fren summore

miss u alwayz says: hmmm…well…u're better than wat i thought

Vincent says: of course laa..sorry i cant return the compliment to u

miss u alwayz.... says: k..nice chatting wif a joker...shall chat wif u again next time

Vincent says: ok...dun forget to take the holy water


Yolk is an ultimate piece of donkey shit. Simply give me e-mail add to random sohais.

Yolk : I know you are reading this - DON'T FUCKING DO IT AGAIN
Sohai : I know you are reading this - I hope you followed my advice with the holy water.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

acheivement

Ever since I was a kid, I could never snap my fingers. No matter how hard I tried, no sound would be produced. Well, the only sound was the sound of the thumb grazing the middle finger. That was it.

However, in the last few days, I achevied something great. Four days ago to be precise, I was sitting in front of the tv, and suddenly I got the urge to snap my fingers. The sound produced was music to my ears! For the first time in my life, snapping my fingers actually produced a sound. Over subsequent days, with more and more practice, I was able to magnify the sound to a brilliant melody.

Yay.


Monday, May 10, 2004

not very clever, part 2

Every small little boy loves fire. The adrenaline rush of watching something burn is the ultimate thrill for a 10 year old kid. Like every other guy, I was a pyromaniac when I was small. Like I always said, I was smarter than most kids. There were a few rules I set before playing with fire.

1) Always do it in the garden, near the neighbour's wall, so it won't burn down my house.
2) Always put a bucket of water nearby.
3) Wait till nobody is in so that I won't get scolding for it.

Now, there was always a can of petrol in the shed, my dad uses it to power up the lawnmower. Obviously I was smart enough to figure out that I could not use too much at a time and to replace it in the same spot I took it from.

Among the stuffs I did:

1) Carry the Olympic torch - I was wayyy impressed when I watched the Barcelona Olympic games. Those buggers were carrying a burning stick. So I took one of my old socks with holes and wrapped it around a stick. Then I dipped that in petrol, and burn it. I would then run around the garden like those people in the Olympics did. Needless to say, it got pretty darn boring after runnning two laps around my house.

2) Creating a fuse trail - This was inspired by watching on of the episodes of Zorro. The bugger made a trail of gunpowder, lit one end, and it just burned along the way, finally exploding at the end. Couldn't get my hands on gun powder, so the next best thing was matchsticks. I carefully cut out the black stuff from the wooden matchsticks. One whole box too. I arranged it into a long trail. Well, only 3 inches long. Lit one end. It started burning along the trail, but died midway. I reckon cause it couldn't light up the adjacent stuffs. I got fed-up, and placed the rest of the blackstuffs in sort of a test tube like container. Threw a match in, and watch it cackle and shoot out like fireworks. Woohoo!

3) Burning stuffs - Then I found a lighter somewhere. My new hobby was burning stuffs to see what happened to it. Learned at a tender young age that nothing happens when you burn glass, and metal gets really hot. Also learned, albeit the hard way that plastic melts into a hot goo when you burn it. You see, I tried burning a 10 inch long dental floss which I took from the bathroom cabinet. I held the lighter with my left hand. My right hand held the dental floss dangling over the lighter. Once I lit the lighter, the damn thing burned too darn fast, the flame burning upwards and reaching my fingers. Suddenly, a drop of hot goo dripped back down to the floor because of a stupid thing called gravity. That fucking hot goo dripped on my wrist. Just one drop of it was enough to teach me a new important lesson : never burn dental floss. Till this day, I have a small longish scar on my wrist from the burn. If I know you, you can ask me to show it to you the next time you see me. Hahaha.

4) Flamethrower - I used to wonder why the fuck manufacturers label air fresheners as explosive? There iss always a fire sign on the pressurised bottle. I thought, who would want to burn air freshener? And from previous experience of burning stuffs, I didn't know you could burn gaseous stuffs. So, one day I tried something cool. Lit a candle and placed it on the floor. And then sprayed the air freshener directly at the flame. Hohohoho....flamethrower! Later, I put objects behind the candle and my flamethrower would now burn stuffs in a much faster way!

5) Molotov cocktail - Movies are bad for kids. They teach you how to make Molotov cocktails (petrol bombs). It went to a point where I actually made one, with a glass bottle, petrol soaked rag and everything. As I lit the match to light the soaked rag, something in my head reminded me of what happened when Steven Seagal (or was it Stallone?) lit one and threw it at someone. Logic prevailed, and I never did use the Molotov cocktail. Very lucky that I was a smart kid. Honest.

6) Hot air balloon - You might say I was a bit like Dexter in the stupid cartoon (not as geeky, and MUCH cooler though). I liked to experiment with stuffs at home. I tried building a fucking miniature hot air balloon powered by a candle, and using plastic bags and newspaper as the balloon. Due to the good air circulation around the balloon, in addition to the UHU glue that I used, the frame and the balloon got burned to the ground less than 30 seconds after lighting the balloon. The sight of it burning was so damn fun! Like an infernal fireball, and I could imagine the mushroom cloud which it produced! It was actually more fun than seeing the balloon fly I reckon (not that it managed to fly though)

I know that the stuffs were dangerous. But I knew my limits. Like the Molotov cocktail. I also knew that petrol was explosive, but its alright if you use small quantities of it (well, I had to, so that my dad won't find out that I was using some of his petrol). Unlike some brainless kids that you read about in the papers, I never for once considered putting stuffs into a metal pipe and trying to explode it.

Oh, I just loved my "not very clever" childhood. If my kid in the future has just a quater of the fun I had doing dangerous stuffs behind my back, I would say he would have a happy childhood. Of course, the dangerous stuffs would have to be done behind my back, which parent would allow their kid to make an Olympic torch to run around the house, let alone a freaking petrol bomb?


PS : I made the petrol bomb in 5 minutes, when my mum went to my neighbour's house to borrow stuffs and for the neighbourhood gossip. So, another lesson. If you think your kid is an evil genius like me, keep him in a straightjacket, even if you leave him alone for 10 minutes.

Sunday, May 09, 2004

not very clever, part 1

Events from yesterday made me think through a few stuffs which I have done in the past which were not very clever. That said, those were stuff I did as a kid, and therefore we never knew the danger associated with what ever we did. Well, I did know the danger, but didn't know the severity of it.

Tomorrow, I will blog about something that all male kids love......fire. But for now, I shall start this first part with random stuffs, just to get the mood going.

1) Playing footcan - I started playing "football" when I was 8 years old. But back in those days, we kids didn't have a football. If we wanted a football, we had to ask our parents. And they would make us work for it. So, for some reason, nobody had a football. The innovation : a flattened aluminium can. We would rummage through the rubbish bin, find an aluminium can, usually 100 plus, place the can standing up vertically, squeeze in the sides a little. Then with one stomp, it would crumple downwards like an accordian. And that would be our "football" for the day.

As opposed to a football, the can would usually remain on the ground. Needless to say, on the occasion that it does take flight, it would be a serious hazard. There was this occasion, when my good friend Joe took a throw in. Some bloody donkey volleyed the can and it smacked me square in the forehead. I developed a hemisphere on my forehead, the diameter of a pingpong ball. No shits. But two days later, when the bump had subsided, I was back playing footcan again. I couldn't deny my mates the skills of such a brilliant striker.


2) Playing footcan...on CONCRETE - Needless to say, an aluminium can would not move very well on a grassy surface. So footcan had to be played on a concrete volleyball court. One fine day, some motherfucker defender was so pissed off that the star striker was scoring so many goals, that he decided to take me out of commision. So the next time I dribbled the can past him, the bastard chased me and gave me a shove in the back. I fell and cracked open my forehead on the concrete. Muahahaha. Needed 3 stitches to close the wound.


3) Experimenting with dry ice - Someone showed what would happen when you put dry ice into water. For those of you who don't know what happens, well, the ice would immediately turn into vapour, and you will see a smokey effect. Very nice indeed. Now, there was once where I managed to get my hands on a huge chunk of dried ice. (Don't ask how..long story) Somebody had also told me that dried ice can scald your fingers because it was too cold. So I wore gloves when handling them. Pretty darn smart eh? Well, not what I did next.

First, it was harmless. Took the cleaver from the kitchen and chopped it into mini pieces. Then I dumped some into the toilet bowl. Beeeeeautiful! Then I got a fucking brilliant idea. I filled up a 1.5L plastic coke bottle with water three quaters to the brim. Went out in the garden. Put a shit load of dried ice into the bottle and screwed the cap shut. I wanted to see the explosion, and I was smart enough to do it in the safety of my house, looking out the window.

KABOOM! The fucking thing just exploded like a bloody hand grenade. The busy body chinaman neighbour across the street even came out to see what happened. Mechanical engineers can tell you that the coke bottle is designed to withstand high pressure, especially at the head and the bottom ( that is what the funny star shaped design at the bottom of the bottle is for). But the bloody head, with the cap exploded and seperated itself from the body, shooting into the sky like a rocket. The bottom, due to its good design, did not crack, but it drilled a damn 1 inch crater in the ground. No shits. The sides were totally ripped apart. Like the Titanic in cold water, the water in the bottle I would imagine was also damn cold because of the dried ice. It ripped the sides open like paper. The plastic crumpled like as though it was burned. The blast also managed to spray the water to wet the window some 10 metres away. Bwahahahah. Some serious research has to be done in this field to why the damn thing actually exploded like that!


You know, I do admit that the stuffs I did was pretty stupid. Yes, the aluminium can could have blinded me. The concrete floor could have gave me a concussion. The bottle could have blown up in my face. But somehow, I think kids those days were much smarter because we were exposed to more stuffs. Like hiding in the house when experimenting with the dry ice. To a certain extent, we did use our heads to think. Someone mentioned as a comment to one of my posts that he played with a damn sharp knife as a kid. Dangerous? Yes, but not many of us kids got seriously injured. Sure as hell dunno anybody who blew up his face.

Sure, I won't want my kids to do stuffs like what we did last time. But how do you define a good childhood experience? I wonder whether kids these days enjoyed half the fun as I did. Dangerous things like these do actually teach us stuffs. Sometimes I do wonder whether kids these days still play with aluminium cans. With all the tuition and school work these days, I am not suprised that they don't have time to kick a BALL around after school. Or blow up a coke bottle on the weekends.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

incompetence

Group projects are a stinker. Doesn't help if your group mates are a bunch of inefficient cunts. Ordinarily, I don't expect people to work according to my methods.

However, if somebody says that they have done the fucking thing before, you fucking listen to them! When Vincent tells you something ain't going to work, its cause Vincent has done the damn thing before and learned the hard way. I am not a person who shoots down an idea for fun, but I do use a bloody machine gun to shoot down things which I know from experience won't bloody work.

So why is it necessary to insist on wasting 3 fucking hours doing something that I know from the start is going to fail? If you do not have the skill to fly a fucking aeroplane, why try when you know you are going to crash the damn thing, and in the process killing so many innocent people? Same thing. Using Microsoft Paint to draw a fucking A2 sized poster is not exactly the smartest thing to do, even a retarded rhino can tell you that. So why do 23 year old university students feel that its the best solution beggars all fucking believe.

Blah. Releasing stress.

van helsing

*Short blog. I am tired. No spoilers here......don't worry*

Just watched Van Helsing. I think he has a pretty screwed up name. And Kate Beckinsale has a screwed up name too. Anna. Now, I love Anna Kournikova, but other than her, any other Anna sounds like a Russian prostitute. (If anybody out there is named Anna, my condolences)

But anyways, three quaters of the movie is all kick ass action. Kate, as usual is fucking hot but she should have worn less clothes. Yum yum. And the vampire bitches, not bad too.

Although I MUST comment.........the ending.....I reckon all the creative people and the scriptwritters all suddenly got mental block. Dumb fucks turned it in a bloody Lion King scene. WTF??


Thursday, May 06, 2004

objectives II

*continuation*

Nuns - To show the world, in MichaelOoi's words that they are as pure as an unused sanitary napkin, and to ensure that nobody else discovers that they are a hoax trying to act innocent.

Oscars - To be as dramatic as possible, to treat every situation as life and death situations and to make a mountain of a moehill. Another long term objective is to get people to call them by this new glamorous name as opposed to the old term of Drama Queen, because they intend to open membership to members of both genders.

Princesses - To look as pale as possible by applying one bottle of sunblock lotion to their unblemished milk skin everytime they go out, and bringing an umbrella everywhere they go to be used irrelevant of whether its sunny or drizzling as the sun will burn their sensitive skin, and rain drops, no matter how tiny will disolve their body molecules.

Queens - To protect just their hands from the sun, by wearing long gloves while driving so that they can look as young as the princesses, but unfortunately they are about 30 years too old.

Rebels - To show the world that even at the young age, they are actually much more developed than the rest of the Sperms. This is done by snogging Ovums in shopping centres as their parents will jump and scream bloody murder if they do it at home. (If you haven't read my blog before, click here)

Smokers - To look cooler than everybody else by clouding and blackening their brains and lungs with crap.

Transformers - To follow the Transformers' slogan of "Robots in disguise", they feel it necessary to show and convince the world that they are hardworking, good and obedient robots students, but actually cause trouble when nobody else is looking.

Uncles - To provide a shelter for wayward youths, giving them a family and a sense of belonging, simultaneously recruiting those youths as a mini army of VCD sellers, and at the same time being regular customers of machete manufactuers and hospitals.

Vincent Lau - Special case. All objectives have already been achieved at a very young age.

Wankers - To piss off everybody else by their highly "don't give a fuck" attitude, which comes as a result of pleasuring themselves too much.

X-Men - To show the world that they are different from everybody else, and to shove their differences straight into the faces of other people and forcing them to accept it.

Yanks - To show the rest of the world to correct side of the road to drive on and the most suitable measuring units in engineering purposes.

Zoo Exhibits - To go on parade for the general public to admire their bodies which was pierced and then impaled with all sorts of metals, usually around the face area.

objectives

Life.........and blogging has taught me many things about people. There always comes a time in our lives where we review our goals and objectives in life. I have had a long sit down to think about it but unfortunately, my concept of blogs doesn't permit me to let the whole damn world know what I am thinking about.

But during my long think, I also managed to list an A-Z of the types of homosapiens and their objectives in lives:

Ah Bengs : To make their cars, their handphones, and their hair look more colourful than a kid's colouring book.

Bimbos : To fight for animal rights, eradicate poverty and promote world peace while masked under 1 inch of mud cement makeup.

Children : To get 7As for UPSR, 12As for PMR and 19As for SPM by studying as much as possible and attending tuition classes at 8am on Sunday mornings because their parents told them that those exams are important when you want to get a job next time.

Dicks : To go out with as many women as possible at the same time, making it a challenge to ensure that those women don't find out about each other.

Elephants: To blind the entire human race and leave their minds permanently scarred by wearing as little cotton as possible hence exposing their celluloid infested fats flesh.

Faggots : To make their hands as smooth as possible, prefably smoother than their girlfriend's hand and to keep their skin as fair as possible with the use of an umbrella to shield the dangerous sunlight.

Geeks : To teach themselves C++ in one week, so that they can write a cheat code to be the best Counterstrike player in their hometown cybercafe

Hyenas : To laugh as loud as possible, so that other people know that they are clever and understood the joke, even if the joke wasn't really funny.

Indiana Jones : To show the world that they are macho and possess many physical capabilities, like being able to do push-ups 200 times and to do a one handed chin-up 20 times, although those things aren't really useful in life.

Jocks : To show everybody that contrarary to common perception, they do possess intellectual capabilities as they can actually count the number of trophies they have won.

Kukuciaos : To impress people and start random conversations with people just for the fucks of it by talking COCK and telling more elaborate lies than George Bush.

Loverboys : To spoil the market for the rest of the male species by being nice and acting deep and sensitive around women, when they are not.

Morons : To amuse the rest of the human population by doing things so incredibly stupid that only they alone are capable of.

*to be continued*

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

scarred for life

Wanted to blog about this that day, but totally forgot about it until I read MichaelOoi's entry today.

My housemate's 21st birthday was 3 days ago. So a bunch of us went out to celebrate in a Thai restaurant. It is one of the best Thai restaurant in my area, and being a Saturday night, the restaurant was naturally very packed.

We ordered our food and then waited. And waited. For all eternity. While waiting, naturally we look around and observe stuff as well as talking. My friend Kay, suddenly gasped and said ,"Hey. Check out the old woman on the next table"

4 pairs of eyes turned to the next table and stared long and hard. There was another party going on there. About 8 people, with a lot of booze on the table. So, what about the old woman? Well, she looks like she's bloody 50 years old. No white hair but very very wrinkled skin. And very fat.

"Yeah? What about her? She's old. So?"
"Nola. Look carefully. What is she wearing?"

Her dress has to rate as one of the most fucked up pieces of clothing worn by a 50 year old hag. Black low cut front. The back....is a black transparent nylon I reckon. So what eh? Well, you can see through the back and you can tell that the bloody Evil Witch of Oz was not wearing a bra! And she was drunk already and kept leaning forward, at time exposing her saggy lumps of human fat. Fuck! Don't people know that at that age, they need support? Brrrrr....looking at that made every single strand of hair on my body stand up straight. Every single strand.

"Fuck you la Kay! My birthday la. Why must you scar me for life?"
"Hehehe. She scarred me already. So I thought I should let the rest of you know!"

It got worse. Turns out that the reincarnation of Cinderella's stepmother was actually celebrating her damn birthday. And her friends start singing Happy Birthday to her. Fair enough. But they sang it THREE fucking times!! And everytime after they finished singing, the old hag would yelp out like a skanky bitch which got run over by a monster truck.

I honestly don't give a fuck if you are fat or thin. I don't care if you are as fat as a sumo wrestler. But please, fat and old people have to learn to be considerate to the rest of the normally proportioned human beings out there. I am not asking that they cover every inch of flesh. Just don't fucking parade the lumps of roti bom for the whole world to see eh? If you want to parade your boobs and your tummy, fucking lose weight!! Why the hell do you think Santa Claus wears a big loose shirt?

Jeeesssshhhhhhh....................

Monday, May 03, 2004

holidays

There are lot of things to be thankful for being a Malaysian. But let's save all the patriotic points for next day. Well, Malaysia has a shit load of public holidays. Every festival there is, you get a holiday. Malaysia, being a multi racial country, naturally celebrates everybody's holiday. Great. Malay, Chinese, Indian and English New Year = holiday. Sometimes more than one day. Besides that, theres also holiday for every religion's "smaller" celebration. Wesak for the Buddhist, Thaipusam for the Hindus, Prophet Mohd's Birthday for the Muslims. Not forgetting Christmas Day too.

Then lets not forget Merdeka Day (Independence Day). There is also holiday for the unimportant things like King's Birthday. And Sultan's birthday. In school, if I remember the rules correctly, every school is allowed to grant a few unofficial holidays to the students too. Like when one of my senior's batch did really well for SPM, the rest of us got holiday. Like when the stupid chairman of the school was given the title of "Tan Sri", the moron gave us a holiday too.

Here in the UK, holidays are hard to come by. They seldom have public holidays. I think its something like 3 or 4 times a year only when they have "Bank Holidays". Now, don't ask me what these Bank Holidays are, I have asked a lot of local people and nobody can seem to give me the answer. Today is Bank Holiday. A lot of shops closed. Damn. Compare it to KL, shops open on public holidays to get business. Here, every holiday available, they close the shops. Stupid.

Walk into town on Christmas Day and you will find it a dead town. Don't blame them. They wanna celebrate their festival. But in KL, during Chinese New Year, Chinese owners close their shops, but Malay and Indian shops remain open. Just brilliant.

I like holidays. But I don't like other people having holidays. Especially shop keepers. They can have their holiday when I don't need to buy stuff like during my exam time.

colours

A lot of surveys ask you what your favourite colour is. Seems you can tell a great deal about the person on what their favourite colour is. Quite honestly, I don't have a damn clue what my favourite colour is. I reckon everybody has a "most hated" colour (ie. colours that they will NEVER wear), but I don't think people have favourite colours.

What is my "favourite colour"? Sometimes its black, sometimes white. It was maroon for quite a while. Might even be pink at times. I reckon we all have a few favourite colours. But sure as hell not ONE favourite colour. But everytime people get asked what their favourite colour is, everybody has an answer for it. Liars. Just think. If you ask me my favourite snack, I would tell you that its Pringles. Which means I can eat just Pringles and no other snack, and I would be happy with that.

Back to colours. If your favourite colour is black, does that mean that you ONLY wear black and no other variety? Does that mean that your bed sheets, curtain and walls are all black? If its your favourite colour, then surely you won't mind that eh? But no idiot will ever do that. Everybody mixes the colours around. So if you mix it around, how can you then call it your favourite colour? Its the same as favourite dish. Nobody has a dish that they would gladly eat every meal everyday for a year. There has to be variety in it.

Also, I reckon the female eye is more powerful than the male eye. Women seem to be able to recognise more colours than men. For us guys, its easy. What colour do you want? Errr....black. Or blue. Or green. It might go a bit further. Dark blue. Maroon. Dark green. Thats it. But women, they seem to recognise 829 different shades of colour. Theres avacado green, salmon pink, errrrr......sorry don't know anymore.

Wonder why people came up with those type of colour names. Surely a ripe avacado is different shade of green from unripe one. And what about rotten avacados eh? Which donkey was it that was walking along the river, found a salmon and decided to dedicate a colour to it? Hell, as of now, I officially set my own precedence. You know that certain shade of brown -- I now call it shit brown. And after that lets take it a step further....some babies eat some kinda vitamin that makes their shit dark green in colour. So I am now going to call that particular shade of green baby-shit green.

Another dimension of human stupidity which I cannot seem to comprehend. And since I cannot comprehend it, I might as well join in the act. So after you finish reading this, I request that all of you go out and tell all your friends and family about the two new shades of colour you learned about today. Thank you.

Sunday, May 02, 2004

life story of sperms & ovums

Chronological interaction between sperms & ovums:

-9 months : sperm meets ovum. Nature takes its course as they attempt to create something special.

-5 months : Good progress. A weird looking creature starts forming. This creature can either be a Sperm or and Ovum (please don't be confused...sperm & ovums are objects...but Sperm & Ovums with capital letters are names)

0 years : Either Sperm or Ovum is born.

3 years : Sperm meets other Sperms. Ovum meets other Ovums. Sperm also meets Ovum.

4 years : All the tiny Sperms and Ovums interact freely and play with each other.

5 years : Sperms and Ovums discover that they are totally different from one another. They swear eternal allegiance to their own kind and the Sperms declare a full scale war against Ovums.

9 years : After many years of war, the hatred between Sperms and Ovums does not seem to be waning. Again, they each reiterate their claim to superiority and world dominance. The Sperms are inspired by SuperSperm, while the Ovums are motivated by Powerpuff Ovums. Sperms initiates a council called COK (Council of Ovum Killers) which dedicates itself to the eternal battle for supremacy.

10 years : Sperms and Ovums have learned how to tolerate one another. Simple interaction occurs. But they still hate one another.

11 years : Ovums seem to be experiencing biological difficulties. Suddenly, they do not hate Sperms as much. Sperms however are at the height of their hatred.

12 years : A small percentage of Sperms suddenly decide to break their lifelong allegience and suddenly take a liking into Ovums. However, the majority of the Sperms are still loyal to one another and ostrocise the rebel Sperms. Rebel Sperms generally do not have a nice time as they are constantly mocked by other Sperms. As a result, the rebels are outcast, and their only companions are a few Ovums.

13 years : More and more Sperms join the rebellion. Things are not looking so bright for the COK.

14 years : COK finally loses its war against the Rebellion. The remaining COK members are now the ones who are ostrocised, partly because they do not have hair on specific parts of their body and their voices are as it was 5 years ago.

16 years : The situtation has become topsy turvy. Sperms and Ovums have totally forgot their pledge to one another some 10 years ago. They are willing to screw each other over the possesion of other Sperms and Ovums. Most Sperms and Ovums feel an attraction but are mostly clueless over what the next course of action is supposed to be. This is probably because their decade long war had taught them to hate each other. However, some Sperms are miles ahead of the field and and know everything about Ovums. These Sperms were most likely the original founders of the Rebellion. These Sperms are also known as PlaySperms.

18 years : Sperms and Ovums co-exist happily with one another. As opposed to the earlier chronology of events, Sperms or Ovums which are more popular among the other species are revered and looked up to.

20 years : A lot of Sperms and Ovums discover that peace is not as easy as it sounds. It was a much easier time when they were at war. Some Ovums, especially those bitter that the PlaySperms have used them as a toy, again declare eternal war against Sperms. But they secretly hope for peace.

25 years : Most Sperms and Ovums have found solace. The minority which have not are now beginning to panic and starting to prepare for Armageddon.

30 years : Most Sperms and Ovums which have found solace among themselves have started producing Sperms and Ovums on their own. However, for the believers of Armageddon, things do not look bright. Some of them resign themselves to believing that Armageddon will indeed happen. They then resort to techniques of using the Internet and other agencies to contact other believers of Armageddon.

40 years : Even some members of the Armagedoon club have found solace. For the rest, well, they now concentrate on being filthy rich so that in 20 years time, they can find a young Sperm or Ovum and finally seek solace.

45 years: Some of the Sperms and Ovums which have earlier found solace are now beginning to wage another bitter war reminisence of the one fought in the early days. This war, however has become more serious and has more drastic concequences. Where previously the Sperms and Ovums fought over who could use the playground slide, they now fight over who can keep Sperm Jnr. and Little Ovum.

80 years : As the Sperms and Ovums start dying, some of them were best friends for 65 years (minus the 10 year long war ,remember?) and are buried next to each other in their graves. Some, though have become bitter and can only dream of what could have been...........