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Sunday, June 27, 2004

jabba the bitch

I hate flying.

Actually, I think I would enjoy it better if I was flying first class. But regardless, lets just assume that I hate flying. Theres not much room to spread my hands. Theres not enough space to stretch my legs. Its fucking boring too.

But the joy and the thought of home overcomes all. There seems to be a different spirit, a totally overwhelming emotion when about to reach home after being away for so long. In my two previous trips back, I happened to be sitting next to some English dudes going for holiday in Malaysia. Nice blokes really, and I took real pleasure into telling them about our beautiful land.

This time however, was a totally different story. Firstly, I was not too pleased by the dude in the check-in counter. I requested an aisle seat, to which he said alright. After collecting my boarding pass, I forgot to check it, and to my bloody horror, the dude put me in a horrible seat. Those of you not familiar with a Boeing 747, the seats are placed in a 3-4-3 formation. (Haha. Football season mah) That means that there are 3 seats followed by an aisle, then 4 seats in a row seperated by the final 3 seats of row by the aisle. I was given the seat number 33F which meant that I was in the middle section of seats with 2 people on my left and one on my right.

When I got on the plane, I was left flabbergasted by my companions for the flight. On my left sat two thin Malay girls in tudung (headscarf). Not much to complain about them though. However, on my right, sat a lump of blob. She was also a Malay girl and also wearing a tudung. Now, this pile of human fats was actually scary and reminded me of Jabba the Hutt. Looking at this female Jabba, her spare tyres (yes, TYRES...plural) were spilling out of the sides of her Baju Melayu (Malay dress). Even though covered by the tudung, I would have bet my life that she had more than one chin.

Ok, so what if Jabba is fat, you ask? What has it got to do with me? Well, fucking a lot if you consider the size of the seats in economy class and she was next to me. Not suprisingly, her massive shish kebabs that she calls arms were spilling over to my side. Not only was she taking up the entire handrest, she was actually taking up a bit of my space. Being the nice guy that I am, I didn't want to hurt Jabba's feelings by telling her that she was fat (although the mirror probably told her that already). And so, I let it be, and I leaned to the left of my seat a bit.

This was when the problem started. The girl on my left thought that I was a horny bastard and wanted to lean on her shoulders. She then leaned to her left a bit to avoid me, thus creating a dominos effect first started by Jabba. Well, sod both of them. I didn't have much sleep the previous night and so I took a little nap.

Another reason why I can't fucking stand long journeys is cause I can't sleep on planes. Car, train, bus, bicycle -- not a problem. But not an aeroplane. I dunno why. I woke up after only half an hour because my nose senses were tingling. To my asthonishment, Jabba was applying Minyak Cap Kapak (medicated oil) on her bloody temples. Now, those of you who are not familiar with Minyak Cap Kapak -- good for you. Its fucking smelly in my opinion. Its something that you either love or hate. And I fucking hate it.

Fine. I bite my teeth. And decide to take a piss. Obviously it would make more sense to ask her to stand up instead of the other two. She willingly obliged, smiled and let me pass. Again, the same thing when I had to get back to my seat. So I thought, ok, maybe Jabba is pretty nice anyway. I forgave her for her lumps of carnivor desert and the smelly oil. For the meantime anyway.

Now, this fat fuck, she is fucking lazy I reckon. Thats probably how she got so fat. 12 hour flight and she only woke up to eat and drink. Also, she has a very noticable problem with both her bladders and her bowels. In those 12 hours, she only went to the toilet ONCE and when she did, she was away for 20 minutes. I dunno where all the water she drank went. At first, I figured that maybe the water she drank was all absorbed by the fats in her body. However, upon second thought, that was not possible as I learned in school that water and oil do not mix. So, still puzzled to where all that water went.

I have a small bladder, and it doesn't help that I can't sleep. So I drank a shit load of Pepsi. What goes in, must come out. The second time I wanted to go, she was fast asleep. After saying "excuse me" for more than 5 times, I gave up and decided to prod her arm with my index finger. However, the pressure exerted by my finger forced the fats apart and my finger was drowning in all that recycled oil. At the same time, the two girls on my left decided to take a piss at the same time too. So I went out from that side. However, when I wanted to get back to my seat, those two had already taken their seat, and I had to wake up Jabba.

Again, after whispering into her ears, she still won't fucking wake up. Again, I had to poke her. This time, she stirred. She looked at me with a pissed off face sort of thinking,"Why you wake me up?" "Cause fatty, you are sitting in the aisle seat and you need to let people in and out," I thought. However, being the polite chap that I am, I said softly," Excuse me please, I need to get in."

Jabba : "Err...masuk sajala." [Err...just go in]
Vincent : "Huh? How?"
Jabba : (pointing to the small space of around 1 foot wide between her feet and the seat in front of her)
Vincent : (thinking, how the fuck am I going to fit into that small space? Does she think that shes thin?)
Jabba : Masuk la! [Just go in]

I had to squeeze in to my seat from that narrow space. My asscheeks rubbed against her knees. I suspect she did that on purpose to get the kicks out of it or something. After being forced to suck in my stomach, I finally managed to squeeze in.

After that, I was not too pleased to go to the toilet cause I didn't want to talk to the stupid fat cow anymore. 9 hours into the flight, I needed to piss again. Up to that point, Jabba had yet to go to the toilet. I figured, she had to go sooner or later. So I risked spoiling my bladder to wait for her to go take a shit and vacate her seat. Half an hour later, she finally went to the toilet, and did not return for more than 20 minutes. I reckon that was one seriously bad case of constipation. Probably because of immobility, which made her shit solidify into a solid hard rock.

However, I don't think that her asshole would have hurt very much cause of all the fats which, when pressed and compressed could be squeezed into liquid oil, which could have been used for lubrication.

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