Monday, September 13, 2004

animal lovers

Yesterday, I was at this majorly huge pet shop. Damn. Fucking huge place with all sorts of animals. Could have confused it for a zoo. There were all sorts of fucking animals there. Snakes and crocodiles even. Now I know what Dexter was talking about when he said there was a crocodile in the pet shop. I thought he was dreaming up stuffs.

Who in the right sense of mind keeps a crocodile as a pet? And phythons too. When small, sure the bugger looks cute. When big, whats going to happen? Probably have to feed him a dog every now and then. What the fuck?

Although, I thought it would be cool one day to buy a few phythons and keep it in my house. Then I can save some money by cancelling my Astro subscription to Animal Planet. All I need to do is get a real good videocam and pick up a few stray dogs by the roadside. Fuck. Then I can even film a movie like Anaconda. I reckon, however crap my movie is, it surely can't be as crap as the shit that they are showing in the cinema now.

Walking on, I found the dogs section. And there I saw it. They were fucking selling Ewoks. I couldn't believe my eyes. I always thought that Ewoks were creatures that lived on some planet Endor or some shit like that. Didn't know how they managed to catch those Ewoks. And I always thought the export business was only bound between countries. Didn't know that they practiced Inter-Planetary Exporting.

Then I saw the price tag. RM1699 (USD450) for that Ewok? What the fuck? Its not that cute. Its fucking ugly. Here's a pic. Spot the Ewok.

They even had a name for the Ewok. They called it a Shih-tzu. Must have been some kinda Endorian language. Cause there is no such word in the English dictionary. Not the last I checked. I think it was actually meant to read "Shit Zoo". Which would have been more appropriate cause there was quite a lot of shit around.

Then, I happened to walk past this room which had a glass partition. Looking in, I found that it was a hairdressing saloon for dogs. Fuck the world man. Since when do dogs need a fucking haircut? Unless I am very much mistaken, I don't think the dogs even like to get their hair cut. Not to mention dyed. Yups. You heard it right. Dye. Some people have too much money. Why the fuck would you want to dye your dog's hair? Wait wait. First question. Why the fuck would you want to even dye your hair in the first place? Then answer the dog question.

Another room, another partition. Dog obedience school. In there, a few humans sohais trying to get their dog to obey a few instructions. In case they didn't already know. Dogs can't speak English. They bark. Thats what dogs do. They bark as and when they like. You want to talk to a dog? Bark! Fucking hell. Then it happened. This dude called out to his dog, " Come here, Junior." The dog walked halfway to him, then decided to sniff the ground. He picked up a scent, and veered off course, found the wall, and took a piss. Immediately a worker stormed into the room and mopped up the pee. Oh fuck me. I couldn't stop fucking laughing.

So, there is a guy whose job is to train dogs in languages the dogs don't understand. There is also a guy whose job is to pay money to people to help train their dogs to come when they are called. And there's a guy whose job is to mop up dog piss? Its a waste of time I tell you. My dog comes when I call his name. He comes when I have food. Other than that, I don't care what the fuck he does. Oh, and he pisses on the big tree in my house. And I didn't even need to teach him to do that.

Fuck. I tell you what those things are called. An abundance of job opportunities in unnecessary areas. Its like the government paying people to sit in all the government offices to drink coffee and shake legs. Its better to pay those buggers to get out on the streets to pick up the rubbish. So that the country is cleaner you know.

If you are one of those people who spends RM2000 on Ewoks, or dyes your dog's hair (or your hair for that matter), or buys crocodiles and snakes, I have a suggestion for you.

Take the money that you were supposed to spend, give it to me. I'll give you back half of it along with a stack of porn. I'll burn it into a few CDs and give it to you. The cost of the CD will be fully absorbed by my own cost. The benefits :

1) You can have as much fun as you like with it, you can show it to your friends just as you show your friends the dog. Plus, your friend would like you more after that.

2) At least with the CD, somethings can come when you want it to.

3) Although both cases might put you in a sticky or messy situation, one of the sticky situations leaves you satisfied while the other causes you to curse like hell.

4) Dogs die. Dogs get old. Dead dogs and old dogs are a pest. Not to mention they are fugly. The data on the CD and the contents of the CD remain the same. They don't deteoriate with age.

So, you save money, and you get more pleasure out of my deal. Oh. And if you dog dies, the pet shop ain't going to give you a new dog. But if your CDs get scratched, I'll give you back a new one. Oh, I'll also throw in a free Nokia handphone cover.

*I am not an Ah Beng ok. I don't use a waistpouch and I don't have blonde hair.


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