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Sunday, September 26, 2004

fights

In this land of rampant alcohol abuse, fights are very common. If you were to walk on the streets at night, or stand in the town square the whole night, chances are you will be able to witness one first hand.

Fights usually start for many petty reasons. Cause drunkards can't really control their temper. So, a small issue like spilling beer on his toes will piss him off. Wearing a football jersey in town at night is a big NO-NO. Football rivalries are so extreme that even sober people will start fights, what more crazy drunks? Even small things like hitting on somebody's wife is a good enough reason to start a fight. Ok, so maybe hitting on someone's wife is not a "small thing", but still?

After being here for quite a while, I am used to seeing those stuffs. I used to stand and watch them fight. The best fight I have seen was between two stunning blonde models. I watched them rip out each others shirts and they were wrestled each other to the ground. One of them was having a go at the other girl's long blonde locks. In return, the other one ripped open her skirt and began working on her panties. Then, they started kissing each other and feeling up each others breasts. Oh, hey wait. That sounds like a porn show I saw in Prague. Sorry, I got mistaken.

But I saw a fight the other day that actually shocked me. It was for the simple reason that it was going on at around 6.30pm. That's way too early for any of them to get drunk. Even by British standards. There was this large woman with big bossoms. She looked a bit like Jenna Jameson. She practically screaming her balls off. I know what you are thinking. She's a woman. She ain't got balls. But that's cause she screamed so hard that her balls went off, see.

Anyways, Jenna Jameson was screaming at a guy, probably her husband or boyfriend, who was starting to look embarassed and was walking away from her. She chased after him in her high heels (not a very good idea) and started to whack him when she caught up. It was real. No playful shits. She punched, she kicked, she screamed. And the dude was just standing there absorbing all the blows while trying to say something to her.

She continued wailing like a rabid bitch, everybody watching was clearly irritated and could have easily given a her a slap to shut her up. The guy walked away again, but this time, she actually took her handbag and threw the whole fucking thing at him. I always said, angry people NEVER think straight. Cause the dumb bitch forgot to zip up the bag. So the moment the bag took flight, all the stuffs took flight as well. And we know how much shit stuffs there is in a woman's handbag. An aerosol can, probably deoderant flew out of the bag and hit the guy at the back of his head.

He finally lost it. His face turned green, in fact his whole body too. Yes, including the dick, if you were wondering. You could see his muscles growing, his shirt ripping into pieces. The dude was morphing into some kinda big green creature almost 5 times the size of a man. Miraculously, the pants that he had on (probably spandex) expanded with his body size. The hairs on his head resembled a funny turf of black fungus on the seaside.

He was.........The Incredible Hulk!

Ok, so maybe he didn't transform and all that shit. But he did get pretty pissed offed. Cause he turned around, stormed towards her and gave her one big fucking 4 finger stamp on the side of her face. As Newton's 3rd Law of Motion* would have it, her face applied so much of force on his palm that you could actually hear the impact of collision all the way from Timbuktu.

Jenna Jameson immediately fell to the ground clutching her face to one side, probably lobsided by now, while wailing louder than ever.

"You bastard! I'll fucking report you for this!! You and that bitch!!"
"Yeah yeah. Go fucking report us then. While you are at it, go tell the Pope as well!!"

The guy walked away into the horizon, still holding the back of his head. A woman walked towards Jenna Jameson and helped her to her feet. Also helped her pick up all the stuffs. (they flew out of the handbag, remember?) Gave her a few pieces of tissue paper which she conveniently pulled out from her handbag. Although, I am still not too sure what Jenna Jameson was going to do with those tissues to reduce the imprint of the 4 fingers.

I walked away and into the pub to watch Manyoo kick Liverpool's ass.




Which brought me to a lively discussion with Vince. Remember him? He is my imaginary friend.

Did the woman deserve the slap or not?

We can obviously deduce that the guy probably cheated on her. Probably slept with a nun. Cause he asked her to tell the Pope about it. But why would he shag a nun, I have no idea at all. But that's not really my business (although none of the happenings were any of my business too). What we do know is that he was in the wrong.

So she decides to take it out on him. In public. In the middle of the street. Yups. I didn't mention that earlier, did I? She whacks him non-stop. And throws an aerosol can at his head. Ok, so maybe she didn't mean to. But maybe he didn't mean to fuck a nun anyway.

Conclusion that Vince and I came up with -- he should have slapped her one more time.

Yes, the asshole is in the wrong. He should never have fucked the nun. God wouldn't be too pleased either. But does that justify punching and kicking him non-stop? If yes, then well, expect to get one back. He did after all tolerate a hell lot of beatings - IN PUBLIC before finally losing his cool when a metal can hit his head.

Only an idiot will call that domestic abuse. If there are any idiots like that, they should have all their private parts surgically removed and be made into dog food.


*Newton's 3rd Law of Motion - Every action has an equal but opposite reaction. Which means that if you bitchslap someone's face with a force of 100N the person's face will slap your palm back with the exact same force of 10oN. That way, all is fair*

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