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Monday, November 01, 2004

cock and bull story

When I was in school, I remember a Science teacher I had in Form 2. The Don, we called him.

We loved The Don. He was a great teacher, funny and had a hairstyle that I had never seen before. At first glance, it looks like he is wearing a toupee. It looks like a layer of carpet that was horribly placed on top of his head. Closer inspection revealed that he had grown the hair at the back of his head very very long, and pulled it over the top and the front to cover the bald patch. The hair was held in place by loads of gel and hairpins.

Anyways, there was something about The Don I hated. The fucker loved to tell some fucked up stories. I hateed it because it insulted my intelligence. There more some of my classmates gasped in awe at his incredulous stories, the more he was spurred on to tell more ludicrous ones.

I soon grew to learn why he told those stories. It was the only way he could get the attention of my dim-wited classmates. For the smarter ones like me, his stories were a way of making us open our eyes and think. Every story seemed possible. It was up to us to figure out the discrepencies (if any) and think which stories were bullshit and which stories weren't. And they were. Every single one of them.

The Don was a "cool" teacher. There are a lot of cool teachers around. Unless you are an old dude who used to study in a missionary school run by mean ass priests, you would surely have met a cool teacher. He would be a dude who didn't condone swearing, but turn a deaf ear if he heard it. Students loved to talk to him. Sometimes about their personal lives, rendering the old gay school counsellor redundant. Love advice from The Don was well treasured by the students.

The Don was highly professional. His classes were about learning. His stories during class, no matter how big a lie he was telling, was always related to the work at hand. One day, and the circumstances surrounding it, I forgot, but one day, he did something different. He stopped teaching halfway and started telling us a story. I was prepared for the bullshit that would come, but it turned out, he was giving some dudes a real good advice.

Mind you, he was talking to a bunch of horny hormone induced 14 year olds. He was saying that there was a big difference between the girls and the guys, and why relationships at that age would always fail. His sermon, at best memory :

"You guys are damn horny. You see a girl, and all you see is her pretty face and whether she will be your girlfriend. What is a girlfriend? You do not know. All you know is you want a girl whose hand you can hold and then show your friends and let them get jealous of you.

On the other hand, the girls are much more matured. They know what they want in life. While you guys are thinking of where to bring your 'girlfriend' next week, the girls are thinking about what kinda man they want to marry and what they want to do in life. "

The impact at that time was great. True. All my guy friends were assholes. What is a girlfriend? What the fuck is this 'girl-friend' thing all about? All they wanted was a girl to take the Sunway Pyramid and walk around holding her hand, to the awe of his friends. And the girls? I never knew many girls back then. Those I knew then were "matured" people. Girls who would say NO to a relationship in school and make her parents proud.

For a long time, I held in high regard of The Don's analysis. So fucking true, I thought. After a while, I had forgotten all about The Don and his sermon. For a long time, it held popular believe in my head that that was the only true thing that The Don had told us, apart from the Science textbooks of course. No bullshit stories about his father working in the Death Railway and escaped using a metal rod to break his chains open. This was the truth, I thought.

Down the years in secondary school, I matured much faster than everybody else. My thinking was my older. No more wasting time holding hands with some random chick. What was the point? A travelling circus exhibit which people looked at and awed? It would be great to think about the future, what I wanted to study in uni. What I wanted to be. At what age would I earn my first million? Stuffs like that that not many kids these days thought about.

Last Thursday, as I was sitting alone all day in a lab doing an experiment for my project, I sat and thought about a lot of stuffs. Like what was for dinner. Like what the fuck was I doing sitting there watching palm nuts dry in an oven. And suddenly, a mental image of The Don popped into my mind. WIth it, the numeroud bullshit stories that he told us and was believed by all except me.

As I was getting nostalgic and all that, the oven timer rang signalling time to take my next reading of data for the experiment. It reminded me of the stark contrast of now and then. I have a shit load of female friends now, and a truckload of such acquaintances. Loads of good experimental controls. Just the night before, I was busy advising one of them to tell her boyfriend to stick his dick up his ass.

Oh Vincent, Vincent. What should I do? What should I do?

Well, you could start by growing your own brains first.


A smile of irony escaped my lips as I realised something. The one story which I revered in the past stood out among all of The Don's bullshit. The one story that I once held true. It was now officially the single biggest piece of bullshit that had ever come out of his mouth.

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