Monday, November 08, 2004

taking the piss

*Once upon a time, when this blog was very young, my friend Nanook happened to be the 2000th visitor, and she demanded that I dedicate one article of my blog to her. One fine day, I told her. That one fine day is today.*

Nanook has that self given nickname because of a certain cotton toy dog that she has which she calls "Nanook". Why she and many other girls give names to their overgrown mutants of toys, I have no idea.

I mean, I don't give my football boots a name. I don't call the left boot Giggsy and the right boot Scholesy. Even when I was small, I didn't give names to any of my toys. Hell, even my imaginary friend doesn't have a name.

Anyways, a few days ago, Nanook put on her MSN display a picture of Nanook the dog. To be honest, its ugly. I told her many many times. Its horrendous. It looks nothing like a dog. Its big black beady eyes remind me of mata kucing seeds. Mutated mata kucing seeds actually. Thats because they are so big, it actually takes up most of the dog's face.

The following conversation took place :

Vincent : What is it with that ugly dog?

Nanook : WHAT? Don't insult Nanook (the dog)

Vincent : Do you know how many little 9 year old African kids don't have a pillow to sleep on, or a shirt to wear because of all those ridiculous little balls of smilling animals?

Nanook : What???!?!

Vincent : Yeah, don't you know, its a waste of cotton?

Nanook : Shut up.

Vincent : All that precious cotton is used by big multinational corporations who exploit little kids. Kids of drug addicts and street beggars are forced to work from 5 in the morning till 10 at night sewing crap like that. Kids as old as 5 years old. Have you no heart?

Nanook : Bluek. No child labour.

Vincent : How do you know?

Nanook : International corporations don't use child labour.

Vincent : That's where you are wrong. International corporations get rich BECAUSE of that. Like Nike -- all made in China, Indonesia and Vietnam. A lot of poor little kids on the streets there you know.

Nanook : Nanook is not hand sewn. Probably machine sewn.

Vincent : So? They still get the poor little kids to operate the machine. Packaging too. Have you no conscience? Because of things lile stuffed dogs, little children suffer. Tsk tsk.

Nanook : ...............

There are just somedays when my mouth is super itchy. That was one of those days. At least I don't blame hormones for that.

As I recall, I came up with so many insults that day, that my friend K3ng suggested that I should find a chick whose mouth is as sharp as mine, get married and live happily ever after. We could then run our own Internet based company that sells ideas for insults to people.

As loyal readers of my blog, I shall now give away a free insult (one that I conjured up on that magical night).

You spot a fat piece of pork lard wearing a sleeveless top that exposes all her spare tires..Pork chops is also wearing denim shorts leaving the celuloids on her thigh visible..

Go up to her and say :

Hey! You could get a good modelling job....in the circus. You could join the elephant parade.

Why? Cause elephants in the circus are dressed with a cloth too. Only thing is that the cloth doesn't cover its stomach, its celluloid infested legs and its fucking fat ass.

Wa hey! What do you know?!? Same thing!

What do you reckon? Can my Internet company survive?


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