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Monday, January 31, 2005

FAQs

This blog has been in existance for 10 months now. In those 10 months, I have had to endure a lot of questions from my friends and sometimes strangers, about a lot of stuffs on my blog. I figured, if my own friends don't even know me that well....all my other anonymous readers out there won't know as well.

So....I have taken the liberty of interviewing myself. Yups, I asked myself the questions based on what other people asked me.



Why do you blog? I think you have a sad life...

You're just as lifeless if you are reading a blog of a person with a sad life. But anyhows, I blog cause I love writting. I blog cause I am a damn opinionated person, and I need an outlet to tell people my opinions and hopefully re-educate people in my ways. I generally feel that the world would be a better place if everybody thinks like me.

I have toyed with the idea of conquering the world like what Hitler tried. Only this time, I would set up huge concentration camps where I would brainwash people so that they would think like me. But that would be a secondary step that has to wait till AFTER I invent such a machine. Till then, I guess the only way I can spread my propoganda is by blogging.



Why are you such a bitch complaining about everything and everybody that you don't like?

Complaining is good. Unlike you, I choose not to keep my frustrations to myself. My mama always said that a growling tiger is harmless. He growls but seldom attacks people. Its the sleeping tigers you need to be worried about. So, by ridiculously mocking people, I get to live a longer life, unlike some uptight people who stress and die young.



Why is your blog so fucking ugly?

This is my blog, and hence I feel that everything on it should be my work. I hate using blogskins. I hate all those ready made templates with flowers and other gay stuffs on them. And so, this blog is a result of me teaching myself HTML by viewing other people's source codes. I would say its pretty fucking good for a beginner. Besides, why should a blog be judged on how it looks as opposed to what's on it? There are a fucking load of other prettier blogs out there with no where near the quality of words as mine. If you like pretty blogs, bugger off.



Yeah...ok. But why does it have to be red?

Its not red. Its maroon. Would you prefer orange instead? I don't like white backgrounds. And it was a choice between black and pink. I flipped a coin, and it flew majestically in the air and landed in the crack of my keyboard. I then took the liberty of taking the mix between black and pink - maroon.



I sense a lot of sarcasm. Are you always like that?

No. I am only sarcastic when I hear people talking rubbish. Which is most of the time, but not always.



Ok. So why are you so controversial? Do you come up with these controversial stuffs on purpose?

Those stuffs are controversial only for one reason - the majority of the people don't agree with it. The problem is that the majority of people are usually dumbasses.



You write a lot of stuffs condemning women. Why? Are you some sort of MCP?

Actually, I write a lot of stuffs condemning and taking the piss at a lot of other people as well. Its not my fault if your thick feministic head refuses to see through all that. On the MCP part, no, but I wish I was.



I think you are cool. Can I link your blog from mine?

Yes, I think I am cool as well. And yes, you can link me too.



Will you link me in return?

Only if I read your blog and think that you are good enough.



Wow, you are an arrogant prick aren't you?

I don't need you to tell me that. If I wanted to know that, all I need to do is read my own blog.



Can I copy stuffs from your blog and paste them on mine without asking you?

I believe in equality. Will you give me the deeds to your house, the keys to your car, and let me shag your sister?



People tend to have a blogging self and a real self. What are you like in real life?

No. People DON'T have two identities. This isn't a Spiderman comic, you know. What you read is what you get. People tend to write what they feel. That is who they are. And it is up to you to interprete what they say correctly. I am who I say I am, just like Eminem. Its up to you to read my blog and judge for yourself what kind of person I am. Though, its not that I give a shit if you judge wrongly.



Ok, finally...what do you think of hate mail?

I love hate mail. Even more than fan mail. I've had a lot of morons trying to flame me on my blog before, right from when this blog was less than a month old. Farm tales was a story that I wrote in tribute to my first flamer. The latest flamers were a pair of adolescent girls. One was a Jay Chou fan who got pissed that I made fun of her idol, that she turned into a harpy. The other was an uptight Yale student who continues reading my blog till this day even though she professed her hatred towards me and my blog. So, I do tend to get a cool amount of hate from a wide variety of people. Which is good.

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Friday, January 28, 2005

at what cost?

*sensitive post....i ain't scared of flames...but please read 1000 times before trying to flame me so that you don't end up looking like a dumbass*

Anybody who's been alive in Malaysia has probably heard of this show called Sepet which is to be released on February 24. You can check out the website here, and watch the trailer, although I think the trailer is kinda crap.

Its about this 19 year old AhBeng VCD seller (for those of you as blur as my friend Tinkerbell, keep in mind that the term AhBeng only applies for Chinese guys, ok?) So yeah, this AhBeng falls in love with a 17 year old Malay girl. From what I gathered, its a tale about love, and not hate, and there's no theme where race is an issue for anybody.

But then again...its a movie, and movies are idealistic anyway...

Me? Well....I don't really give a shit if the girl is Chinese, Indian, African or Eskimo. Just as long as I don't have to convert to their religion. Let's take the prime example that we are all familiar with. In Malaysia, if you want to marry a Muslim, you have to convert to be one first. I was told, and correct me if I am wrong, that Roman Catholics believe the same as well.

NEVER is a strong and obsecene word that will one day come back to haunt the person who dares utter it. However, not to go so far as that, I would say that I do not forsee myself doing that. Sure, sacrifices have to be made in exchange for happiness. But how big a sacrifice?

Regular readers here might already know...I have problems believing in a religion that I was born into. As are most scientists, I am cynical to everything that I cannot see, or cannot measure its proof. That might be my flaw, but never mind that. It would therefore be an ardeous task to ask me to embrace another religion - and one which asks more of its followers.

Faith is good, but maybe I am too young to embrace it. I do not see myself praying 5 times a day, that's for sure. This might sound fucking ridiculous, but asking me to give up my beer and whisky for a religion is also something I cannot see myself doing. And even more ridiculous might be my love for pork. You may say...hey, loads of Muslims these days drink and never pray 5 times a day as well. Yeah, I had friends in school who never fasted during Ramadhan. I have Malay friends who can down more tequila shots than myself. And for sure a lot of them never bother praying 5 times a day. So....I don't have to stick to those rules if I convert, yes?

No.

I don't see the point converting to a religion if I don't believe in it. There's no point. But, yes Vincent, you scream....there is a fucking point! You get the girl! Yeah, sure. But at what cost? At the cost of converting to a religion I do not believe in, and after that, breaking all its rules? That would be committing the ultimate sin - hypocrisy.

That brings me to another question. After hearing all the great reviews, I went out and bought 'Life of Pi' and struggled to finish reading it. I honestly think that that is one hell of a crap piece of book. There were however two good parts I enjoyed in that book. One is the ending, which not many people get, where Pi presents an alternative view to that story, one that is more realistic and true.

The other, is where the character, Pi embraces 3 different religions. He is extremely staunch in each of the 3 religions and practices all 3 religions piously. When his mentors in each of the 3 religions find out, they get pissed. He then questions, why can't a person have more than one religion. Each religion teaches their diciples to do good things, and to fear God. Why then can't a person embrace more than one religion?

Like I said....every religion teaches you to do good. Every religion that gives a man faith is good. Therefore....I refuse to believe the argument that religions would spite each other for the sake of gaining followers. Which then leads to my question, why does one have to convert a religion for marriage? What if there exists two people whose seperate religions dictate that they must both convert to the other person's religion upon marriage? Shall they sin for love?

Perhaps this would have been better written after I watched Sepet, but seeing as to how that is not going to happen in the near future (me not being in Malaysia)...and its been bugging me since I visited the website, I decided to pose a few questions. I do not expect answers. If I managed to get you guys to ponder my questions, thats good enough a success for me.

But for now, Sepet and its idea is too idealistic an idea for me to consider.

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Thursday, January 27, 2005

banana

*I am writting this in a very pissed offed mood...don't bitch if there's spelling mistakes*

How's a banana look like?

Yellow on the outside, white on the inside. That's actually a term to describe Chinese people who can't speak their own language. You can find a lot of such people in KL. Hell, I am one of those people. I can speak a few words of Mandarin here and there, read and write a bit as well, but not enough to survive anywhere. Besides, my pronounciation sounds like an angmoh. Over the years, I get a lot of stick from my friends. Banana. OCBC (orang cina bukan cina). Stuffs like that.

Alright, that's not something I am proud off. And I don't blame anybody that I can't speak the language. Some people blame their parents for not teaching them, or blame the lack of exposure. My dad tried to teach me when I was a kid, but its a fucking hard language when it comes to pronounciation, and I suck at that. So, yeah, I only blame myself. Over the past few years, I have wanted to learn it, but again, my fault, I never did get down to it.

Ok, so this is my final term in uni. To be honest, I've been pretty sick of studying. Over the last two years, I have chosen optional subjects based on my interests, and not based on whether I could score well in those papers. For this new semester that started on Monday, I've decided to take a few easier options. Among which, Mandarin Level 1B.

So, I went along to have a chat with the Mandarin lecturer, cause apparently they need to gauge whether you are competant enough, or over qualified. Some dudes tend to cheat the system by taking a language subject which they are already competant in, thus earning them easy marks. The lecturer, upon first impression looked like the AhSoh who used to work in my neighbour's house. I reckon, if she had worn the same straw hat, I would have called her AhSoh.

Vincent : I wanted to enquire about joining the Mandarin 1B class.

AhSoh : Please, sit. *eyes me suspiciously*

Vincent : Is it too late to register? (people usually register in the 1st semester)

AhSoh : Bla di di bla bla

Vincent : Huh?

AhSoh : Bla di di bla bla?

Vincent : *realises that the woman is talking in Mandarin* Oh...errr....

AhSoh : *very patiently*Bla...di..di..bla..bla? *which I THINK she was asking me whether I was from China*

Vincent : Oh...bu si. Wo si ma lai si ah ren. (Oh no, I am a Malaysian)

AhSoh : *rambles on something about whether my parents are from China*

Vincent : Bu si. Ma lai si ah ren. (No. Malaysians.)

AhSoh : *speaks some jargon which I have no idea, but mentions something about WHO and TEACH*

Vincent : Ah...papa...er..er..AND..pen you jiao wo yi dian dian. (Ah..my dad and my friends taught me a bit)

Bear in mind that my pronounciation sounds like a whiteman. And also, major boo boo on that last line. She eyed me very suspiciously. I don't blame her. Which idiot can speak half a sentence, but doesn't know how to say 'AND'? She thinks I am pretending.

She grabs a book from the shelf, and asks me to read a few lines. Those are characters with the hanyi...somethingsomething (can't remember what its called). Its basically Mandarin words, with the English pronounciation thingy below it. And so, I read a few lines, again with my whiteman accent. After that :

AhSoh : Ok....something something something shi mo yi si? (I reckon that meant...whats that mean?

Vincent : Ah..ok...err....this word..xin qu ri..means Sunday. Dunno...dunno...dunno...wei si mo means why.

AhSoh : *talks more jargon...points to a word*

Vincent : Err........wo bu hui. (I don't know)

AhSoh : *gives me a funny look* Really? (that's the first English work she said to me since asking me to sit)

Vincent : Yeah. Really I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.


Finally, she gets me to read some another paragraph which doesn't have the English pronounciation on them. I struggle, again. After much thought, she finally gave in and told me that it was alright to come for class next week.

This is a record new low. Not only is it fucking embarassing that I don't know my own mothertongue, but some old maid thinks I am faking not knowing it.

Moral of the story : Kids, learn from this. Learn your own mothertongue when young. Fellow bananas, go learn it as well.



*I am still in a pissed offed mood. Not cause of this. But cause some damn American goalkeepr cunt caused Manyoo to lose a domestic semi-final for the first time in something like 20 years. Also, funnily enough, all the damn glory hunters I know didn't watch the game. Surprise surprise*

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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

presentation

No blog entry today.

Oh...this is sort of a blog entry. Ok...no PROPER blog entry today.

I've got a 20 minute presentation to prepare for tomorrow. Its for my group project. We have to dress up real nice and everything. You know, girls have to tie their hair up neatly, wear a nice pants suit thingy. We guys have to wear a noose tie. Maybe a suit too.

For fucks ar?

I thought they are supposed to judge me based on how I talk, not how I dress. I wonder whether its ok to chew gum while presenting stuffs?

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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

womanly secrets

Most of you will no doubt have heard that I live in a hostel filled with a bunch of jamooks. My blog entries over the last few months have been dominated by posts in reference to some of the people here. It might get boring after a while, and it does indeed feel a bit boring to keep writting about morons. However, the beauty of morons is that they are totally unpredictable - you never know when the next piece of rubbish is going to fly out of their mouths.

I usually go down for meals late - about 5 minutes before they stop serving food. So, by the time I get down there, people are usually seated and already eating. I usually sit at the edge of the table next to a group of people. I sit there, and eat, mostly. Although I am quite a talkative dude, I don't really talk much with those people - barring one guy who is alright. Otherwise, I just eavesdrop on their conversations and when I really can't stand the rubbish that they are saying - I butt in with a sarcastic remark.

So, the other day, I was sitting at the edge of the table as usual, next to a bunch of 3 girls whom I know. There's one I like to pick on, a girl with a ridiculous dietery habit. She doesn't eat fried stuffs, likes over cooked cows and eats a shit load of vegetables and fruits (something like 4 apples & 3 oranges a day) . Lets call her Rabbit then.

Now, one girl leaves as soon as she finishes her meal cause she has to go out and meet a 'friend'. Rabbit and the other girl Pie, stay on and continue chatting, while I continue eating and eavesdropping on their conversation. Rabbit, like all women are damn busybody.

Rabbit : Eh, who's she gone to meet?

Pie : The guy you saw that day, they going to town to buy something.

Rabbit : The guy like her issit?

Pie : *makes face gestures to ask Rabbit to shut up*

Vincent : *continues chomping on that horrible overcooked cow*

Rabbit : Well?

Pie : *still refuses to say anything...cause she knows I am listening*

Rabbit : Oi...tell la. *still doesn't realise what the fuck is happening*

Pie : I won't say yes or no now. I'll tell you later.

Rabbit : Ok.


This reminded me of another story, long ago when I was young and stupid and used to tell people my secrets. You guessed it - a woman. A bunch of us were sitting in a mamak stall. 4 of us, if not mistaken. 3 guys and 1 girl. The stupid girl knows about this chick that I was after, the 2 other guys ain't got a clue, and they can't know about that chick. Suddenly, everybody had run out of things to say. So the girl, trying to be clever, started to open her mouth. Lets call her Pontianak :

Pontianak : So Vince, how's my good friend doing?

Vincent : *senses big shit trouble..talk cock mode turned on* I ain't seen her in ages..I thought you would know..

Guy#1 : Who's this good friend la?

Guy #2 : Oh I know! Its Debbie! Cheeeeeebaaaiiiiiiii.......you like her ar?

Vincent : Pork chops? Of course I like...what's not to like?

Guy #1 & Guy #2 : *eyes me suspiciously*

Needless to say.....after that, I never talked to Pontianak about Debbie again.


Ok. So what have we learned here?

Women can't keep their mouths shut. They tell you that they will keep a secret, and sure enough most of them do. Problem is, they ALWAYS let it slip inadvertedly. Remember my camp third eye story? Its always the same. I've seen this kinda thing happen a million times. They don't actually mean to bust the secret, but they always do.



So, as a contribution to society, I am going to help teach you women some stuffs. When faced with situations like that...ALWAYS play cool. Thats the key point. People do not notice stuffs when you tell them things casually. Lets take the first story with Rabbit and Pie.

Pie made a big boo boo. She should not have shut up and gestured to Rabbit to shut up. She should instead deny everything, maybe scold Rabbit for being stupid. It helps to say things like: "Cheyy...they go out buy things together means he like her meh?" If Pie thinks that its ok for Rabbit to know, then she can always tell Rabbit later after I am gone. She should not say things like: "I won't say yes or no now." What the fuck does that hope to achieve?

Now, in Rabbit's shoes, its still not too late to save the situation. Fine, you opened your mouth too big, not knowing that its a question you shouldn't ask in front other other people. Nevermind. Nevermind that Pie made a mistake with all that gesturing. But when people tell you to shut the fuck up, you listen to them and SHUT THE FUCK UP. Don't continue pressing on for answers.

In Pontianak's case, again, prevention is better than cure. She should not have asked the fucking question in the first place. But, ok, she made a mistake while trying to break the silence. Never mind that. But don't go say things like 'my good friend'? It implies that she is trying to hide something. If she wanted to ask, she should ask, "How's Debbie? I haven't talk to her in a while."The key point here is being subtle.

Of course, those are remedies to get out of sticky situations. Best thing to do? Shut up. Think before you talk. After thinking, open your mouth, then think again before you move your tongue.


*this community service message was brought to you by Vincent Lau, author of the acclaimed blog B*tchingLOG...not a weBLOG*

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Sunday, January 23, 2005

i take back my words

I was thinking of what to blog about, scouring the net for an article which might piss me off or make me laugh. Besides, I have a damn bad headache from sleeping too much. Anyway, I just had to find something to bitch about.

After more than 2 hours of net surfing and staring at a sometimes blank blogger post screen, an inspiration walked pass my window. Two, actually.

Its a quiet Sunday morning. The sun is shinning, but its freezing outside. Everybody is tucked in bed, probably hung over from the previous night (Saturday marked the last day of exams). The lane/road which my window faces leads directly to the university Sports Centre. Nobody passes by that road unless they were going to the Sports Centre, or came from it. On a Sunday morning, that road is usually deserted.

Which brings me back to my story. There were two chicks, one blonde, one brunette lugging their sports bag with them. Both were equally attractive, and they were walking hand in hand. I know what you are thinking, it doesn't matter - girls always hold hands and walk everywhere anyway. Wrong. I ain't seen English girls holding hands while walking before.

And so..there's 3 rarities going on here.

1) I just mentioned, the only girls who walk around holding hands are Asians. Its rare to see them white girls holding hands. Kissing in bars is normal though.

2) Hot chicks playing sports. And on a Sunday morning on top of that.

3) Well, lets assume that number one is true for a reason. That means that those two chicks are lessies. Which is rare because lessies usually consist of one butch and one dyke - meaning one hot and womanly, the other ugly and manly. So, still on the assumption that they ARE lessies, then this brings a whole new perspective into things.

Remember an article I posted long ago that sparked some major debate? It was about gay marriages and why I don't think it should be approved.

I take back my words. As of this moment, I fully endorse gay marriages. Only one condition. Both GIRLS must be hot.

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Friday, January 21, 2005

getting carried away

Every celebrity has their fair share of fans. Its some kinda dependency issue I reckon. The fans need a role model. The celebrity, being famous, provides that shelter which they can hide their inadequecies under. It doesn't matter if the celebrity sucks at what they do, or they take drugs, the point of the fact is that people like other people more famous than themselves. Hell, even more so if the celebrity in question is good, then comes the hero worship.I'll get into that later.

Shakespere, in Romeo & Juliet wrote :"...a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet."

Would it really? The fundamental rule in marketing is the importance of the name..the brand. If you were to rename a rose.....a Sero, would as many people crave it? Why do you buy a Nike, not Adidas? Why do you prefer McD's to Burger King? Basically, you buy something cause other people say its good. You read something cause other people say its good. And you watch something cause somebody gave a damn good review of it.

And so, to my point. Everybody needs a hero to worship. Everybody needs someone to look up to. Everybody wants someone they can point at and say..."I am going to be like that guy someday." And hence, the cult, the fan club is born. Its everywhere. It goes back to the branding principle I pointed out just now. People are good cause other people make them good. Its all a hype. Who's to say which actor is better than which actor? The fans. The bigger your fan club, the better you are.

Every prominent celebrity has their own fan club. The thing with fan clubs is, you know that the majority of them are going to be morons. I already established the fact about the dudes needing somebody to look up to.

And further into my point.........blogs.

Its no different from the rest of the other stuffs. Bloggers have their own fan clubs. Big blogs, with loads of hits have fan clubs. Here's where the dependency thing comes in. I've noticed, people like leaving inane comments for the sake of it. Just so that they can talk to their idols. I kid you not, as a blogger, I love it when I see comments after each article. It shows people are reading my stuffs and have something to say about it. And so far, I am glad that where it stops on my blog. Flamers, I can handle. Flamers, I like. Praise is one thing. Its nice to hear people say, "Man...you write well....like reading your stuffs...bla bla bla." Its another thing when people say,"I can't live without ur stuffs man" and actually mean it.

Healthy discussions are excellent. Whinny dependency behaviour is not. Don't know what I am talking about? Check this out. Wooohooo! Singapore's most famous blogger shuts down! You can skip the whole article and read the last few paragraphs and the comments on that article. I'll fucking put a bullet through my brains before I ever tolerate such comments. Ok, maybe I won't go that far, I'll just disable my commenting system. The irony of stuffs is those same members of her fan club are those that make her shut down in the first place. (btw...I reckon she's bullshitting..she'll be back)

Its not just the lion pretenders. We have it too in our blogging circles. I look at the good blogs and the comments people leave on it and think, damn, some people open their mouths for the fun of opening their mouths. Just so that they can talk to their heroes. Why would people suck up to other people ONLINE? I just don't get it.

And to yet another point.....some heroes get too self-absorbed in the hype that they forget why they became the subject of hero worship anyway. I have read countless blogs articles where the bloggers give advice on writting blogs. They explain the do's and the don'ts. Do this if you want people to read your blog. Don't do this....people get turned off. The adults, of course ask that you choose a nice background and with as little animation as possible. The kid bloggers, however like opt for colourful expressions and mutilate your cursor into a hundred stars. The adult bloggers say....thats not a good idea.

che coglioni che ha questa!.......The balls on that one.

Who the fuck are we to tell people what to do with their blogs? Are we so self-absorbed that we forgot why we even blog in the first place? Isn't it an expression of one's self? Just because you get 500 page views a day, and a ridiculous amount of people commenting about each and every of your article, like a cult, does it give you any right to tell people what's right?

Sure...I don't like reading blogs with a colourful background with teenage girls talking about what they ate for breakfast and the problem they have with their boyfriends. But I sure as hell don't tell them not to do that. Let them do what they want with it. Should you ask people to prostitute their blog for the masses just to gain more traffic?

I remember a couple of adolescent flamers last time who said I won't gain the respect of the blogging community cause of the stuffs I write and the way I write it. I have also read many of those blogging advice sites who say that you need to respect other bloggers and stuffs. Hey, who gives a fuck? I write controversial stuffs cause I like to stir things up and look at things differently. Not cause I wanna get 300 page hits a day. Sure, its nice to see people coming to your site, but why would you give advice to people on what to write or what not to write so that they get more hits?

Which comes to my conclusion. Just because people hero worship you, it doesn't mean people will listen to you. People hero worship you cause of a depend on you...to make their day or whatever shit it is that you do. But that bond stops there.

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Thursday, January 20, 2005

ethical company

I started job applications already as I would be graduating in July. That's how it works here. Companies start looking for people long before they graduate. Anyway, most companies these days don't want to look at your CV. They have an online application form which you have to fill up. It basically asks for all the information you have on your CV as well as ask you random questions about teamwork and all that other crap that the HR people need.

I was browsing through one such company today and was taken aback by the huge starting pay they were offering. I wasted no time, dropped everything else and started browsing through the website. Just before they let you get to the application form, there are a bunch of questions they ask. Its basically telling you, 'Look...you answer these questions, theres no right or wrong, but from these questions, you get the idea what kinda people we are looking for.'

They had questions like ,'Which is the capital city of the EU?' You click one of 4 answers...and another line pops up saying, 'If you didn't know this, maybe you should consider other options. Oh, its Brussels, by the way'. Quite lansi. There was also another one which asked what a leader should do in a given situation. After choosing the answer, another line popped up saying, 'We hope you didn't choose (d), cause then we would want to keep our distance from you.' Like I said, very lansi.

There were a set of questions asking about ethics :




For the record, I clicked (b) and the small paragraph below popped up. I figured both (b) and (c) were right, so I just clicked. They did have many such questions where there were more than one right answer. Apparently, not for this one.

Apparently, these dudes think that while they make a profit nobody loses. The line I underlined says it : '...fair to all parties-our customers, our suppliers and ourselves'. Hmm....one problem, dumbass. You forgot about your competitors.

That question is ended with a trademark lansi line, 'If you're not bothered about compromising your principles, perhaps you shouldn't bother.' Well, for a £30,000 pa starting pay, I'll compromise anything they want me to. (no funny ideas here please)

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Wednesday, January 19, 2005

lets be politically correct

Stalkers on my blog would probably already know this, I've mentioned it before. I am studying engineering, but the syllabus forces us to study some subjects offered by the Business school. Some are financial subjects, while others are based on management. Its part of this new trend where employers want their staff to everything. Why employ a manager and an engineer, when you can employ an engineer who can manage people as well?

Yesterday, as I was studying for an Introduction of Marketing test today, I found many disturbing sentences in the text book. The whole damn textbook was littered with sentences like 'He/She thinks.......' and '.....he/she would have to...'

This reminded me of another management subject which I had to take in my 2nd year. In the subject's guidance notes for essay writting, there was a particular paragraph which said :

Try to avoid gendered language, such as 'man' instead of humanity, or fireman instead of firefighter; it may require imagination so as not to sound awkward. Sexist and racist stereotyping is unacceptable.

This is bullshit. Absolutely rubbish.

These fucking feminists are getting too much. Its just a fucking language. I don't complain that countries are called 'she'. I don't complain that objects like cars (man's best friend...what do women know about cars?) are called 'she'. And I don't fucking complain that its called Mother Earth and not Father Earth. Its just a language for fucks sake. Fireman, firefighter, what the fuck is the difference? We all know what they mean and who they are.

Moral of the story : Some people need to get laid in order not to feel bitter towards mankind.

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Tuesday, January 18, 2005

team america : world police

I hardly ever give out good movie reviews, but this is one movie that I fully endorse. Partly because its written, voiced and directed by Trey Parker and Matt Stone (the South Park dudes). If you don't know what South Park is, please get the fuck out of my blog.

This movie is an animation of puppet characters (you can actually see the puppet strings) called Team America who go around policing the world from terrorists. Hence the title, Team America : World Police. They have to stop the evil North Korean dude, Kim Jong-Il from using Middle Eastern terrorists to destroy the world.

Typical Trey Parker and Matt Stone, they don't give a shit about anything other than themselves and end up making fun of everybody and everything. The Americans, for example travel around in aeroplanes and helicopters fully painted with colours from the American flag. The beginning scene sees them obilitering the Eifel Tower and the Arc de Trioumph in Paris while trying to stop some terrorists. They then take out the Lourve because a terrorist ran in there to hide. This pokes fun at the American military who do not bother about collateral damage.

The Middle Eastern dudes are not spared either. They seem to live in a desert setting like in Star Wars, and the only words that come out from their mouths are Derka, Mohammad and Jihad. Their turbans ressemble the towel turbans that women wrap around their heads after a bath. Prominent celebrities are mercilessly mocked like in South Park. Michael Moore is a 'socialist weasel', Matt Damon is a retard, Susan Sarandon an actress whose 'talents are fading with age'.

Foul language is a must and as always, there is a puking scene which is probably the funniest scene in the whole movie. The puppets even have sex, and not just any type of sex - its probably every position in the Kama Sutra. Watch out also for the great songs with fantastic lyrics. There's a song which Kim Jong-Il sings which pokes fun at the Asian pronounciation of words. He sings "I'm so lonely" which turns out "I'm so ronery."

I have once sworn never to publish any lyric of any sort on this blog, but this bit is too good to give a miss. The hero sings this song while thinking of his girlfriend :

I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark,
When he made Pearl Harbor.
I miss you more then that movie missed the point,
And that's an awful lot girl.

And now, now you've gone away,
And all I'm trying to say,
Is Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you.

I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school,
He was terrible in that film.
I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part,
He's way better then Ben Affleck.

And now all I can think about is your smile,
and that shitty movie too,
Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you.

Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?
guess Pearl Harbor sucked,
Just a little bit more then I miss you

Finally, it has what all great war movies have - a great speech from the hero to rally his troops. In this case, the hero rallies the leaders of the world to let him kill Kim Jong-Ill. He goes on to name the 3 types of people in the world, dicks, pussies and assholes. It likens the Americans to dicks, the anti-war protestors as pussies, and the terrorists as assholes.

Pussies don't like dicks because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes. Assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck a asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate. And it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves. Because pussies are a inch and half away from assholes. I don't know much about this crazy crazy world, but I do know this. If you don't let us fuck this asshole we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit.

And so....I know I've given away quite a lot of stuffs, but this movie is not to be watched for the storyline. Its to be appreciated for the ingenious sick jokes that come with it. They probably won't show it in Malaysia, so go download stuffs from Kazaa, or get Uncle Ho's version from the pasar malam. Whatever it is, you just MUST watch this show.

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Monday, January 17, 2005

the nazi prince issue

*read few times before opening your mouth*

The hottest news in town here in the UK is that a few days ago, Prince Harry, the youngest son of Prince Charles and third in line to the throne of Britain was photographed at a party wearing a nazi swastika band on his arm. That act has fueled outrage among a shit load of people. The tabloids have been raving about it for days. Jews are outraged. People are even asking him to go to Auschwitz to see first hand the atrocities there.

I take a different stand here. Everybody knows what Hitler and the Nazis did to the Jews. It doesn't matter whether the Jews were liked or hated, I think anybody with a brain can rightly agree, hated or not, nobody deserves to die like they did, or be discriminated as they were. I am not a skinhead saying that Hitler is a good man or a hero. Hitler and the Nazis were evil and what they did was wrong, no doubt about it.

Actually, the outrage is contained more in the Western world. I think that most Asians don't really bother about it. However, I can't help to wonder, why is it wrong to wear a swastika arm band? Does wearing such a symbol portray that the wearer supports the organisation? Why is it that most people are afraid of a symbol of a dead party? Are we that emotionally fragile that a symbol worn by a confused young man can cause outrage to the masses and make people freight about it? Why is it then, that people feel comfortable to dress like the Devil during Halloween fancy dress parties? Isn't the Devil the epitome of all evil?

Why is it that in Asia, people do not react that way to a Japanese Nippon flag? Yes, the Japanese did not kill 6 million people, but they did kill people nonetheless. So why is it that the slightest mention on Hitler, Nazi, swastika can upset the Western world so much? And to think that the people who did actually experience the attrocities first hand are people over the age of 65. How then is it possible for anybody younger than 65 to feel upset over something which did not affect them at all? I would understand if a war veteran or a survivor of the Holocaust gets upset when looking at that symbol as it would remind them of the pain and suffering it cost them. But for everybody else? What pain and suffering would a 20 year old or even 30 year old know about that if they were not there to experience it?

This is where I would like to stop for a second, and divert my thoughts to Harry Potter and JK Rowling. I can't help but to make a connection here. In the Harry Potter series, the wizarding world was terrorised by an evil wizard, Voldermort. He was defeated, but years after his defeat, people were still afraid to even mention his name. Rowling pokes fun at that situation all throughout the series, where people call Voldermort 'he-who-must-not-be-named'. Only Harry and his mentor Dumbledore are not afraid to talk about Voldermort and use his name freely, though much to the disgust of the other wizards. In the first book, when Harry talks to the guy selling him his magic wand, the guy told him that Voldermort used a similar wand to Harry's. 'He did great things with that wand....terrible things, but great'.

I wonder what would happen if you went around saying 'Hitler did great things....terrible things, but great'? And so, for the record, I am going to say it. I think Hitler was a great man. The thought that one man, just one man, Hitler, was able to change the course of history and have much of Europe on their knees would testify to his greatness. He was though, a sick, twisted evil fuck who deserved a much more gruesome death.

This is.....as I have always said. This is a case of people fearing something so much that they do not want to be associated with it at all. They do not want to be called supporters of the cause, and hence they feel the only way they can distance themselves from it is by 'expressing outrage' when they actually know nothing about it. Its been long established that Harry (the prince, not Potter) is quite screwed up in the head, as visits to a drug rehab clinic would show. So anyone who gets upset over the acts of a rebelious teenager (never mind prince) should have their heads checked.

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Saturday, January 15, 2005

the buttockers

The buttockers, or otherwise known as The Butt Talkers are a breed of humans which are in abundance these days. The buttockers have no specific role in society, and actually prefer talking out of their backsides, for the amusement of the general public. After all, isn't it kinda funny to see people talk from their butts?

However, overexposure to buttockers can cause severe detriment to health. I have been unfortunate enough, over the last 8 hours or so to be exposed to 4 such buttockers. I shall tell you my story...before I get a seizure from banging my head against the wall too many times and subsequently pass out.

There are people who upon having nothing to talk about during a casual conversation, tend to divert their attentions to intellectual stuffs hoping that others will see them as knowledgable and well-versed in their surroundings. Two such buttockers showed their presence just now in front of a whole bunch of other people having dinner, nearly causing everyone of barf out their food :

Peter : I heard from my friend Abu that he can get marijuana here. He smokes it a lot too.

Jane : That's bad. I wonder whether its a crime to possess it in Singapore.

Peter : Dunno. I mean, its a Grade C drug. Different countries have different laws.

Jane : I know its legal in Amsterdam.

Peter : Haha. Of course, everything is legal in Amsterdam. But its banned in more conservative countries like Holland.

*Everybody stops eating and turns to look at Peter*

Jane : You just said its legal in Amsterdam.

Peter : So? Its illegal in other coutries, like Holland.

Jane : But Amsterdam is in Holland.

Peter : Oh. *activates coverline mode* Hehe. My geography of European countries is not very good.



Barely 5 minutes passed when.........

Jane : I am thinking of moving out next year to stay in Ancaster flats. I hear they are very nice.

Peter : But expensive, though.

*sidenote : Ancaster flats are the newest accomodation block in my uni. It is a pre-fabricated building, which means that the building parts were built in a factory, and put together on site*

Jane : Yeah, thats one thing. Another thing is I scared la. Pre-fab building leh. Don't know stable or not.

Peter : Should be okla. I mean I am sure the engineers know what they are doing.

Jane : I ask you to stay in a house built in a factory, you dare say or not.

Vincent : *can't take it anymore...about to open mouth*

Karen : Actually, a lot of modern housing projects and apartments are built like that.

Jane : But.....but....oh. You're a 4th year architect student. You should know.

Vincent : *no, dear. its not the matter of what you are studying*

*As a matter of interest to some people....both Peter and Jane are Lion Pretenders. (try saying it in Malay)



On the world stage, on today's news :

Care to shell out for this image of Christ?

GENEVA: After the revelation of a grilled sandwich allegedly bearing an image of the Virgin Mary in Florida last year, a bar manager in Switzerland said on Thursday he was ready to sell a Christ-like oyster shell.

Matteo Brandi, who runs a bar in the western Swiss village of Roche, told the Swiss newspaper Le Matin he came across the shell while opening a batch of oysters just over two years ago.

“When I tried to toss one of them away, it stuck to my hand. It wouldn't slip off my palm. Like He was calling me,” Brandi said.

The 38-year-old Italian, who says he is a devout Roman Catholic, is convinced the Picasso-like forms on the outside of the craggy oyster shell – held the right way up – represent the face of Christ.

Brandi said he had seen the light after a Florida woman auctioned off the grilled cheese sandwich last November for US$28,000 (RM106,400).

“This piece is unique. It is the work of nature. I shall try my luck over the Internet,” he added.

Brandi said he was waiting for offers, and was also thinking of telling the Vatican.

“They might be interested in it for the museum.”

The oyster's flesh however was eaten. – AFP


The 3rd paragraph really caught my attention. "Like He was calling me." Interesting.....

Calling you to do what? Make money at His expense over the Internet? Some calling indeed.... Although I must admit, the picture does look like Christ. However, another friend remarked that it looks like Papa Smurf.



Closer to home....

Help in mission to instill noble values, women urged
(exerpts of the article)

PUTRAJAYA: Women must help the Government realise its goal of instilling noble values in Malaysians.

The Prime Minister’s wife Datin Paduka Seri Endon Mahmood said members of Puspanita – the Civil Service Women’s Association – could play a prominent role in this.

“The Government has implemented various programmes towards enhancing the integrity of Malaysians. This is because it views seriously the task of enhancing noble values to ensure that negative habits will not destroy our next generation.

“In my opinion, Puspanita, whose mission is to make our women more competitive, knowledgeable and skilful, should play a prominent role in helping the Government realise this goal,” she said when launching the new Puspanitapuri building in Precinct 8 here yesterday.


Aaah.......I see. So men and children cannot help la? Neither can the cat and the goldfish, ok?


*I am about to bang my head against the wall. I see....stupid people....they are everywhere....they don't know they are stupid....help me...
* Personally, I think its pretty damn fun to pick a fight with buttockers.

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Friday, January 14, 2005

simple solutions

Malaysians and Singaporeans have a great rivalry. Its a known fact. We don't hate each other (well sometimes some people do) but its damn fun making fun of the other kind. Singaporeans especially. I've blogged on this topic before.

Anyway, thats not the main story. Three days ago, I got the MSN contact of a school friend I haven't talked to in a couple of years. I added him on my contact list and we started chatting. This friend, Kiasucase (thats his nick alright) was then telling me about his girlfriend :

Kiasucase : She's Singaporean.
Vincent : HOLY FUCK!
Kiasucase : What?
Vincent : Its bad enough you are doing law (as are all the Singaporeans I know), and a nick called Kiasucase, but this is over the line man.
Kiasucase : ............BITCH...........FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING FUCK........
Vincent : Hehehehehe..
(5 minutes silence)
Kiasucase : Sorry...was busy writting a code. Where were we?
Vincent : Was telling you about exams.
.......


This is what happens when guys piss each other off . They call each other names and all is settled. Simplicity at its finest.

But when women fight, (as was confirmed by many independant sources) profanities seldom arise. In fact, the most dangerous type of fight is when they don't say a fucking word. And with the blink of an eye, a friendship is lost. Women tend to keep ill-feelings to themselves, and never forget an argument, sometimes for years. Thats also why some people compare women to elephants, they supposedly never forget. (for some people, there are other reasons as well)

Therefore, we can easily conclude that profanities, especially "fuck" are good in settling arguments.

*Quoting God: "What I just said is true. If you disagree with it, you are wrong."

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Thursday, January 13, 2005

cyclist's observation

My arse hurts. Like as though someone sula me. (I explained to my non-Malaysian friend the concept of sula, she wasn't too pleased. Anybody remember from their school days what it is?)

For the first time in 2 years, I rode a bike yesterday. After being here 2 years, and wanting to get a bike all this time, I finally bought one. Dirt cheap too. But cheap bikes = heavy bikes. And the source of all my troubles, rock hard seats which nearly poked another hole slightly below the current one.

* Slopes are fun for cycling. Down, of course. The face on every cyclist going up a hill is like the expression on a bitch about to give birth to 8 puppies.

* Winds are not good things. Today, I had to paddle my bike even though I was going down a fairly steep slope. That's cause I was cycling into the wind, and it was literally stopping me from moving. Imagine how hard it is to cycle up slope with the wind in your face.

* People don't like it when you ask them to get the fuck out of the way ring your bike bell. They look at you with a face of contempt, also with an expression like the bitch from earlier.

* There are too many stairs around. Stairs should be abolished. They make live difficult for people on wheelchairs. How fucking inconsiderate of normal healthy people not to take into consideration people on wheelchairs. Oh, and bicycles too.


**For the benefit of people not familiar with the term sula, well, its a form of capital punishment in ancient days where they tie a person to a stick in the middle of the town square. They then take a bamboo pole and shove it right up the person's ass. The pole usually comes to an abrupt halt when it hits the skull. How cool is that?

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Wednesday, January 12, 2005

omerta

*long long entry, don't bitch*

I don't know whether this word really exists, or whether it was created by Mario Puzo when he wrote Godfather. He later wrote a book bearing it as the title. Omerta, supposedly is a centuries old Sicilian code of conduct which basically asks people to shut up.

No, that does not mean that you can't scold your kid. Basically, it states that you have to keep quiet on matters pertaining to the law. Which means that if you see somebody mugging your mother-in-law, you aren't supposed to go around telling the police (although, why would you?). It doesn't stop there. You aren't even supposed to report to the police if you were walking down the alley and got sodomised by a drunkard. Those buggers must really have hated the police. The only justice you would get is by seeking justice through friends of friends, in other words, the Mafia.

You might be thinking what a fucked up law this is, but I think most people in my generation have willingly abided by this unspoken code of conduct during the later part of their schooling days. I remember kindergarten and the early days of primary school. No, Omerta never existed in the minds of kids. Back then, when you swore to be best friends forever, and unite in the fight against evil, that pledge only lasted as old as the day.

The next day, when somebody said "shit", everybody would surround him, their forefingers pointing at him while singing, "Hor, hor, tak tahu. Hor hor, tak tahu." (there's no literal translation which makes sense, but in adult terms, it would be "You're fucked dude, I don't know what you are going to do.") Or when little Peter pulled little Jane's hair, other little kids would report to their teacher and Peter's mother and Jane's mother when they came to pick the kids up. Sometimes even Mary's mum, Tom's dad and John's sister would also be told when they came to pick up the kids.

It was much later on, in secondary school, only when the kids learned the value of friendship and loyalty did Omerta take effect. It was a value that was not taught in the classrooms, but was learned on school grounds. Loyalty, and sometimes the fear of getting beat up were the main driving force behind the principles of silence. I think this is the main reason gangsterism in schools has always existed (although maybe more widespread today) and will never be totally eradicated.

I remember an occasion in the school science lab. Typically, we sat in our lab groups of 5 or 6 arounds large rectangular tables. There were 6 such tables in the lab. Embedded in each table were sinks and taps to wash stuffs after Biology and Chemistry experiments. The taps were as old as the school, and could be unscrewed by itchy fingers, which really is a stupid idea cause it gives the same effect as a burst fire hydrant.

One day during a Physics lab lesson, the teacher left the lab for a moment, leaving us to do our experiments. It was a physics lab, and there was no need to use the sinks. But this dude, Jordan had other ideas. Jordan was a nice guy, funny too. He was, however, very horny and dim-witted - a disastrous combination. He once remarked to a bunch of guys. "You guys are stupid man. If I had a sister like you guys, I would take advantage of it." I leave you to ponder his words and imagine the reaction he got.

Jordan wondered what it would be like to unscrew the tap, and so he did. A jet of water shot 3 feet in the air. Panicking, he tried to shove the tap back into the pipe orifice, which resulted in the water splashing all over the lab. Some people, the dumbones, rushed to the table to help him screw back the tap. The smarter ones, like me stayed far away so that we won't get wet. When the teacher came into the class finding a jet of water flying through the air and water all over the place, he reacted like how anybody of authority would - scream until his balls grew to the size of his head.

Someone finally fixed the tap in, but that was the beginning of the troubles. Some of the mini-transformers (not the toy) were soaking wet. The teacher ran to get the discipline teacher. He was a short fuck, about 4 and the half feet, but everybody was scared of him. When nobody would own up for the crime, and nobody volunteered information, he made it clear that nobody, including himself would leave the lab until someone owned up. For 2 hours, nobody budged as his eyes stared at us. Jordan obviously had balls the size of his brains (small) and wouldn't own up. Neither would his friends, as loyalty would have it. Neither would the rest of the class in fear of breaking Omerta. The reprecussions of such a cowardly act would be severe.

The 2 hours had passed, and the bell had rung signalling that school was over at 3.30pm (yes, my school ended at 3.30pm). Shorty told us not to leave as he went back to the staff room to clock out. We thought that he wanted to go home, Jordan did not need to admit to the crime and we could go home as well. 5 minutes later, when he came back to the lab, he announced that he called his wife and told her not to wait for him for dinner.

No way were we going to fall for that trick. So we waited.

It was 4pm. Jordan still didn't want to get into shit. His friends didn't want to lose a friend. Everybody else didn't want to make an enemy (or get beaten up). Even the class nerds kept their mouths shut.

By 5pm, everybody knew that Shorty was not joking. He could see it in our eyes that we were restless. He told us that he would leave the class for 5 minutes while we discussed it amongst ourselves. Jordan asked one of his pals to tell Shorty the culprit. His pal refused, saying that Jordan alone should do it. And so, when Shorty returned, Jordan admitted his crime.

Why did anybody have the guts to say anything? Half the class missed their school bus home. The other half kept their parents waiting. Why would the class nerds, with no social reputation to withhold not say a word? Why didn't Vincent, with the mouth of a machine gun not say anything?

I like to think of it as a unique time in our lives when Omerta was the rule of the tongue. After school and in the real world, nobody gives a shit about you. In the corporate would, as I hear it, loyalties do not exist. Who gives a fuck about you, when looking after my own back is more important. Sure, Omerta is a stupid senseless law, but it sure teaches a kid a lesson in life more important than all - loyalty.

Omerta. What a beautiful word.


*1200 words in just half an hour. Wondering why, just 3 days ago it took me 6 hours to write a 2000 word case study*

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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

new research

In the world,

There are 10 million people diagnosed with cancer each year.
There are 40 million people suffering from HIV/AIDS.

BUT.

6 BILLION people suffer from extensive laziness at sometime or another.

I think scientists should forget about AIDS and cancer, and develop a cure for laziness, so I can study for my exams without falling asleep.

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Monday, January 10, 2005

murderers, you and me

You know how a lot of people are vegetarians?

There are 3 reasons people who don't eat meat:
1) religion
2) health
3) not wishing to murder animals

I have no problems with the first two reasons.

However, I have serious issues when it comes to people who do not eat meat cause they do not wish to kill animals. Which sounds like a stupid reason to me, considering people do not hesitate to smack a mosquito if it bites you on the crotch. But as much as I disagree with those people, I have not been able to find a good enough point to make them shut up.

Its not as though those guys eat a selected few animals only, those guys actually don't eat any animals cause they don't wish to kill lives. Fair enough, I thought, someday 'll think of something to make them shut up.

That day is today.

1) Did any of those buggers realise that a paddy/corn/wheat/potato/vegetable patch is a great big huge ecosystem?

2) Did anybody realise how many rats, snakes, rabbits, earthworms, caterpillars and squirrels live on such a field?

3) Did anybody realise what happens when the farmer brings in a great big fat tractor or harvester to plow and harvest those fields?

Most of the said creatures have a home underground. Which means, when a tractor comes to plow the field, all those poor little creatures staying at home copulating, making hot bunny love, actually get crushed and die. Even if they were above ground, I am pretty damn sure a tractor moves faster than those little rodent feet. How about all those innocent catterpillars waiting to become butterflies. You damn murderers, why would you kill a butterfly?

At least I advocate for cows to be murdered so that it can feed many people. But all those other creatures which died during harvesting died in vain. Nobody even eats them. That's evil, very evil of you vegetarians! I kill things to eat, you kill things for fun.

Haha, now all you reason 3 vegetarians are thinking of a way to justify your actions. But there is no way. So, as Vincent decrees it, you have to eat meat from these days. I shattered your one true believe in life. I feel great.

Oh, an alternative would be growing and harvesting your own vegetables and rice in your backyard. Make sure you don't kill a single earthworm in the process, ok?

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Saturday, January 08, 2005

strong wind

Wind has been preety fucking strong over the last two days. You can call it a gale. Supposedly wind blew at 60mph (96kmph) in some parts of Britain last night. I was sleeping, and as always, I leave my window open. The howling of the wind was so loud, it actually woke me up.

This was not as bad as I recall in my first year, where winds were as strong as 90mph in certain parts of Britain. 90mph! That's 144kmph! It can literally blow someone off their feet. But ok, let's not talk about such adverse conditions.

The wind that blew last night was strong enough to blow any aneroxic girl off their feet. In college, my class had a number of seriously underweight girls. I remember our physics lecturer asking them to eat more before coming to UK cause the wind would blow them off their feet. They didn't believe him. Them, and thousands of other small little girls were in for a big surprise. That's why, women, I didn't ask you to eat until you become an elephant, but for fucks sake, don't turn down a chocolate bar for fear of putting on just a bit of weight!

This morning, the wind still hadn't died down. Being a nutter that I am, I opened the window the fullest it would go. The window in my room is fucking huge, about 3 feet long by 4 feet high. When fully opened, it leaves a big hole in the wall. I figured a little fresh air would be good. The wind blew a lot of leaves into my room. Turns out, it wasn't a really good idea after all.

During the time that I left my window open, I popped my whole head out the window to look at the surroundings. Just then, I saw a small bird (no, not that kinda bird) on the ground. It was about to take flight, when a strong gust of wind blew. The damn bird was attempting to fly against the wind, which wasn't a clever idea. It flapped it wings furiously, managing to lift itself about a foot off the ground. It was still flapping its puny little wings but wasn't going anywhere, if at all, the wind was pushing it backwards.

Frustrated, the little fella decided to fly to the other direction. And so, he figured it would be a good idea to fly with the wind. He flapped a few times, took off in the air, when another gust blew catapulting him like a rocket. I had never seen a bird that size fly so fast before. That sight didn't last long. He moved too fast for his own good, couldn't stop in time, and crashed into a brick wall.

Dumb ass.

I've been looking out my window all day, but I have yet to see anybody with a skirt walk past. I shall wait.

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Friday, January 07, 2005

punching bag - snowy girl

We all have friends that we use as punching bags. When feeling down, there are friends whose shoulders you cry on. There are others whom you use to make you laugh. Of course, these guys are to be used at anytime as and how you wish. They serve one purpose - to be humiliated so that you can laugh at their expense, and along with your other friends, poke fun at them. Which leads to another purpose - to be well liked. Men like it when they are at the centre of attention. The more they can take the piss out of somebody, the better for their ego. Needless to say, I am pretty darn good at making fun of people.

Usually, I have a 'fuck them if they can't take a joke' attitude. Actually, that explains why women find me funny, all except women I have a thing for. But never mind that.

This is the start of a brand new chronicle describing to best memory all the punching bags that have existed in my life. The first of this is about this girl from college called SnowyGirl.

SnowyGirl has a weird persona. What's in it? It all starts with the name. She's like all those ahlian women I detest so much - those who give themselves an English name to sound cool. Unfortunately, I can't reveal her said name for privacy purposes, but I can assure you that its along the lines of Fish, Sunshine, Fruit......stuffs like that.

Now, SnowyGirl is actually a nice girl. She's friendly, sometimes over friendly, and a good person. Unfortunately, she has two attributes which do not bode well with very many people - a fake accent and a kiasu attitude. So kiasu that you might think she's Singaporean.

There was this once when Chemistry class in college got changed to another classroom. Let's say, from class A5 to B3. (A = ground floor, B = 1st floor) SnowyGirl came late to class and hence missed the announcement. The lecturer had actually left a note on the whiteboard saying that the class was shifted and asked everybody to proceed to the new class. Me and my chums thought it would be funny to change the notice on the board and ask people to go to C1.

When she called up my handphone to find out where the new class was, I berated her for her lack of ability to read notices. She then retorted that she was in C1 and there was nobody there. I then told her some prankster must have changed the board. It should have been C11 instead. So, she walked all the way to the other end of the corridor only to discover that there still wasn't anybody there. Flabbergasted, she rang my mobile again. Acting innocent, I again scolded her for having hearing problems. A11, not c11 I said. A long descend down to the ground floor, and five minutes later, she rang my mobile phone again. This time, she didn't ask where the class was, all she said was a great big FUCK YOU.

While me and my chums were laughing, our cool lecturer who overheard everything was laughing along as well. In the middle of all the laughter burst in SnowyGirl with a face as black as tar, along with Inv3rs3, who also wasn't too pleased that she was dragged along walking up and down the college. Actually, till this day, I never asked how they managed to find their way to the correct classroom.

There was another time, when SnowyGirl tried to take the piss out of my good friend VU. He had a pencil in which he carved his initials VU. VU is actually somebody like me, but his tongue failed him that day.

SnowyGirl : Hey....whats the VU stand for?
VU : My name la, dumbass.
SnowyGirl : Oh, I thought it stands for Very Ugly.
VU : ....................(something was definately wrong with him that day)
Vincent : Hey dude, ask her when her birthday is.
VU : Ah, when your birthday?
SnowyGirl : *senses something not right* Why?
Vincent : So that he can give you a mirror for your birthday.

SnowyGirl didn't open her mouth for 3 days after that.

Once, she dumbfucked VU and me, by asking three questions no girl should NEVER ask a guy, not even your boyfriend or your husband. NEVER.

1) Do you watch porn?
2) Do you wank?
3) Do you watch other guys?

We replied with, "What the fuck is your problem?" To which she said she wanted to check whether her boyfriend was normal. Apparently, he told her that he masturbates a lot, mostly while watching porn, and sometimes gay porn. We told her that he was normal. Especially the 'gay porn' part, cause guys, like girls like to compare stuffs. We never did remember to correct her. Boy, she must be picking all the wrong sorts of boyfriends these days if she still followed our advice.

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Thursday, January 06, 2005

resolutions

Hmmmm....I took an afternoon nap at 3.30pm. Its 10.30pm, and I just woke up. I actually thought I had gone to bed the usual time at night and just woken up the next morning....until I consulted my watch. Fuck. Afternoon naps aren't what they used to be. Must be getting old.

Anyways, as is the rule of thumb, everybody has to make resolutions in the new year. Something about self-improvement, not too sure. Me, I never make resolutions for myself. Improvement is something that should go on all the time, not just the start of the new year. Besides, most people throw their resolutions down the drain after the second week of January anyway.

I know its a bit late, but I am procastinator, and I've been meaning to write this for about a week now :

1) Stop pretending you care. Care, like love is something that you show with actions and not words. Forwarding emails about praying for victims of disasters and putting a fucking cyber flower in front of your cyber nick does not show you care. Asking other people to pray also does not show you care.

2) We love to keep harping about stuffs. Its like a habit, a disease. Something happens and we go on and on about it continuously for weeks. You see it everywhere, in the papers, on the radio, and even get housewives talking about it. And after those few weeks have passed, you hear nothing about it again.

3) Stop moaning about our sports teams. The average Malaysian always feels pissed offed that he is supporting a bunch of losers in our national sports teams. From football to hockey to badminton, we moan the fact that our atheletes suck big time. Maybe supporting a sports team is supporting them through thick and thin? Many guys watch football and support club teams through thick and thin (proof of the fact is that there are a shit load of Liverpool fans around) . Why the ability to pledge allegiance to a club team in a foreign country but not atheletes wearing the colour of your own country?

4) Stop lying about loving your country. Every year, come 31st August, you get kids making the longest flag singing praises about a country they know nothing about. Adults celebrate Merdeka by clubbing in Bangsar and driving home drunk later. Fireworks at 12am on Merdeka day, when the people who should rightly celebrate it - the war veterans - are sleeping soundly in bed. Some celebration indeed.

5) A nation with first class facilities, but third class mentality. Indeed. Before building any more tall buildings, before climbing any more tall mountains and swimming across vast oceans, maybe we should first concentrate on changing our mentality. Like queueing up for the damn bus or LRT. Like throwing rubbish in bins. Like pissing in public toilets the same way we piss in our house toilets. Maybe after that, it would be a prouder acheivement to build tall buildings again.

6) Stop bitching about your race and its problems. We all know that this is one problem which cannot be solved by complaining about it. The fact that complaining about it gets you into deep shit and causes more problems doesn't stop some people from dwelving into the issue. But why does everything pertaining to racial issues have to be taken so seriously? Maybe its time we learn to accept the stereotypical jokes as they come. Maybe its all a joke which would be funnier if we learn to laugh a bit more.

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Monday, January 03, 2005

what's wrong with you?

Ok, no post for the last few days cause I was busy packing, sleeping and watching the remaining episodes of Sex and the City that were on the DVD I borrowed. Anyways, back in UK now, in my room and very bored.

As is always the case, I am eternally blessed with the curse of having to sit next to freaks on the plane. This time was no exception. Although she wasn't quite like Jabba, this one still had issues.

In fact, this one was far from being a Jabba. She's not exactly an Anna Kournikova lookalike, but I won't kick her out of bed. Oh, but thats not exactly the story that you need to hear. Now, on a 13 hour flight, I do not know anybody who doesn't watch tv. Yes, the shows are crap, but everybody watches TV. You just have to. Its too boring not to watch TV. But this woman didn't watch no shits, and didn't even listen to any songs.

Instead, she spent a great deal of her time reading. What's wrong with reading? Nothing. I like to read as well. I read this month's issue of Newsweek(the one with Badawi - Moderate Muslim on the front cover) on the plane. However, there is a problem a person if she spends the majority of 13 hours reading a book entitled "The Single Issue".

So, what's The Single Issue about? Random peeps at the book confirmed my first impression. Its a self help book that people read to find out what the fuck is wrong with themselves. This book talks about relationships and being single. Apparently, a lot of people feel that its not a very good idea being single, and hence need to improve on that fact. How a book helps you with that, I have no fucking idea.

Actually, its quite a straightforward answer to the question "What's wrong with me?" You actually don't need to read a book to find the answer to that question. What's wrong with you, you ask? For starters, reading a book like that is the main problem with you. Secondly, your next problem is letting people catch you reading a book like that.

I figured a good pick-up line to use. Hey, I can make that book obsulete for you. But I figured, if she's reading a book like that, chances are, she's pretty screwed up in the head. Who know's, what if she keeps a big 20 foot python as a pet?

Self help books are ok. Self help relationship books are not.

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