Tuesday, January 25, 2005

womanly secrets

Most of you will no doubt have heard that I live in a hostel filled with a bunch of jamooks. My blog entries over the last few months have been dominated by posts in reference to some of the people here. It might get boring after a while, and it does indeed feel a bit boring to keep writting about morons. However, the beauty of morons is that they are totally unpredictable - you never know when the next piece of rubbish is going to fly out of their mouths.

I usually go down for meals late - about 5 minutes before they stop serving food. So, by the time I get down there, people are usually seated and already eating. I usually sit at the edge of the table next to a group of people. I sit there, and eat, mostly. Although I am quite a talkative dude, I don't really talk much with those people - barring one guy who is alright. Otherwise, I just eavesdrop on their conversations and when I really can't stand the rubbish that they are saying - I butt in with a sarcastic remark.

So, the other day, I was sitting at the edge of the table as usual, next to a bunch of 3 girls whom I know. There's one I like to pick on, a girl with a ridiculous dietery habit. She doesn't eat fried stuffs, likes over cooked cows and eats a shit load of vegetables and fruits (something like 4 apples & 3 oranges a day) . Lets call her Rabbit then.

Now, one girl leaves as soon as she finishes her meal cause she has to go out and meet a 'friend'. Rabbit and the other girl Pie, stay on and continue chatting, while I continue eating and eavesdropping on their conversation. Rabbit, like all women are damn busybody.

Rabbit : Eh, who's she gone to meet?

Pie : The guy you saw that day, they going to town to buy something.

Rabbit : The guy like her issit?

Pie : *makes face gestures to ask Rabbit to shut up*

Vincent : *continues chomping on that horrible overcooked cow*

Rabbit : Well?

Pie : *still refuses to say anything...cause she knows I am listening*

Rabbit : Oi...tell la. *still doesn't realise what the fuck is happening*

Pie : I won't say yes or no now. I'll tell you later.

Rabbit : Ok.

This reminded me of another story, long ago when I was young and stupid and used to tell people my secrets. You guessed it - a woman. A bunch of us were sitting in a mamak stall. 4 of us, if not mistaken. 3 guys and 1 girl. The stupid girl knows about this chick that I was after, the 2 other guys ain't got a clue, and they can't know about that chick. Suddenly, everybody had run out of things to say. So the girl, trying to be clever, started to open her mouth. Lets call her Pontianak :

Pontianak : So Vince, how's my good friend doing?

Vincent : *senses big shit trouble..talk cock mode turned on* I ain't seen her in ages..I thought you would know..

Guy#1 : Who's this good friend la?

Guy #2 : Oh I know! Its Debbie! Cheeeeeebaaaiiiiiiii.......you like her ar?

Vincent : Pork chops? Of course I like...what's not to like?

Guy #1 & Guy #2 : *eyes me suspiciously*

Needless to say.....after that, I never talked to Pontianak about Debbie again.

Ok. So what have we learned here?

Women can't keep their mouths shut. They tell you that they will keep a secret, and sure enough most of them do. Problem is, they ALWAYS let it slip inadvertedly. Remember my camp third eye story? Its always the same. I've seen this kinda thing happen a million times. They don't actually mean to bust the secret, but they always do.

So, as a contribution to society, I am going to help teach you women some stuffs. When faced with situations like that...ALWAYS play cool. Thats the key point. People do not notice stuffs when you tell them things casually. Lets take the first story with Rabbit and Pie.

Pie made a big boo boo. She should not have shut up and gestured to Rabbit to shut up. She should instead deny everything, maybe scold Rabbit for being stupid. It helps to say things like: "Cheyy...they go out buy things together means he like her meh?" If Pie thinks that its ok for Rabbit to know, then she can always tell Rabbit later after I am gone. She should not say things like: "I won't say yes or no now." What the fuck does that hope to achieve?

Now, in Rabbit's shoes, its still not too late to save the situation. Fine, you opened your mouth too big, not knowing that its a question you shouldn't ask in front other other people. Nevermind. Nevermind that Pie made a mistake with all that gesturing. But when people tell you to shut the fuck up, you listen to them and SHUT THE FUCK UP. Don't continue pressing on for answers.

In Pontianak's case, again, prevention is better than cure. She should not have asked the fucking question in the first place. But, ok, she made a mistake while trying to break the silence. Never mind that. But don't go say things like 'my good friend'? It implies that she is trying to hide something. If she wanted to ask, she should ask, "How's Debbie? I haven't talk to her in a while."The key point here is being subtle.

Of course, those are remedies to get out of sticky situations. Best thing to do? Shut up. Think before you talk. After thinking, open your mouth, then think again before you move your tongue.

*this community service message was brought to you by Vincent Lau, author of the acclaimed blog B*tchingLOG...not a weBLOG*


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