Tuesday, February 08, 2005

'football' for dummies, part 1

*American football......not football as we know it..*

Ok...still in the Superbowl kinda mood. I figured, most people don't know how to play the game, and don't really know what the game is all about. So, after enlightening myself by the virtue of sitting through a 4 hour piece of drab, I am going to teach you all I know about this weird game the Yanks call 'football'.

Now, two general categories of people play this game. Please refer to FIGURE 1 above. Figure 1a shows the typical black dude. Big nose, red red lips. Another important criteria - he must be bald. All black dudes who play this 'football' MUST be bald. Its the rule of the game. The black guys form the majority of football players. In fact, the losing team last night, Philedelphia Eagles had only one white guy on the team.

Figure 1b shows the typical white guy. Nothing special, he has the usual defining features that every white guy has. Another rule for the white guy, he MUST put some face paint under his eyes, as illustrated in the above picture. Its because he doesn't look as scary as the black guy. In an attempt to do so, black face paint is the way to go.

Please bear in mind that in the same team, they have two seperate teams. The offensive team and the defensive team. They take turns to come onto the pitch, depending on whether their team is attacking or defending. More on that later.

Now that you are clear on the two types of players, we can generally split them up into 2 more sub-categories. The fat asses and the small guys. I shall now explain their roles in the game. I reckon there are 3 positions a player can play in. In attacking play, one dude acts as the quaterback, and another 2 dudes act as the receiver. Quaterback has to throw the ball to the receiver. The others are kelefehs. Their only job is to bulldoze their opponents so that they don't get to the quaterback or the receiver. In defensive play, all the players are bulldozers. I call bulldozers kelefehs cause they seldom ever touch the ball.

Due to the above, the players in the different positions need to be of different physical attributes. The quaterback can be either huge or small, doesn't make a difference, he only needs to throw the ball. The receiver, though, must be someone who can run fast. Really fast. For that to happen, he is usually quite 'small'. Its a known fact, elephants can't really run. An ideal receiver should look something like that :

Now, the kelefehs, they are the jocks that you hear people making fun off in movies. Something like Moose in Archie's comics. Big. Fat. Stupid. Cause you have to have those three attributes to be a sucessful kelefeh. These guys do nothing besides charge people down and stop them from doing anything. As you can see, these guys are only in the team cause they are big and can run a bit. They must also have a scary face. You can see them doing this a lot :

*Tomorrow - how to play the game*


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