Monday, February 14, 2005
I wrote it a long time ago, when I was in Form 5. Its not the best piece of literature that I have ever written, but it was the first. Since I first wrote it, I have only editted and changed bits of it just once, the year after that when I entered it for a competition organised in college. (I won 3rd place, though it was due to the lack of quality competition - a lot of AhBengs in my college)
Over the last few years, I have contemplated re-writting it, but never did. I guess I will leave it. It reminds me of happy stuffs (although the story isn't really happy). I will never forget the inspiration behind the story as well. So here......a story of love, through the eyes of a
stupid 16 year old kid...
Happy Valentines Day everybody.
Nothing could describe my feelings that night. The pain. The sorrow. The pure anguish of just thinking about it tortured my already tormented soul even more. The moon's golden rays bathed my fair skin as the waves rolled up kissing my toes with every touch. The soft, wet sand crumbled under my weight, pulling me under with every step I took. I could literally see and hear the joyous activities going on in the cruise ship not far of the coastline. Couples dancing, new loves found.
As I walked on further the sight of young lovers romancing under the towering coconut trees pushed me closer to the edge. I knew that I could not take it any longer. The memories were flooding my mind, clouding my judgment. It was too hot for me to handle. I turned around and started walking away. My footprints behind me were gone, washed away by the waves climbing up the shore ever so often. I walked a little more, turned round, and discovered once again that my footprints were gone. Washed away once again by the calmness of the waves. How I wished that those painful memories could be wiped out by such serenity. But that was never going to happen. Maybe God wanted to punish me for my mistakes. I don't know.
All I wanted to do now was to scream as loudly as I could until my lungs were gasping for air. I wanted to let go all my feelings that were bottled up inside me. Not only bottled up, but also sealed up tight. My mind was like a pressure cooker, waiting to release all the steam that was gathering up inside of me. Like a dormant volcano awaking from its slumber, I released it all. Everything. All the unhappiness. All my worries. All my fears. All momentarily gone in one giant release of frustration. I received cold stares from the public because of that moment of mild insanity. But I didn't care. Nobody would understand. I never felt better in a long, long time. Not since the time when I was with her.
But of course, that was only momentarily. It would have been a marvel if I could put such a black memory behind me so easily. I ran. For no reason, I started running. Maybe running away from my past, I didn't know where to go. Whatever it was, my destination wasn't a very good idea. It was like running to Hell to escape from the Devil.
The sound waves from the radio were practically bouncing off my ears, as I lay lifeless and dispirited on my bed. My room, my domain which was once a place I could drown my sorrows in was no longer my sanctuary from the harsh realities of lives. It was now a no man's land, a place where bad memories flooded my mind every single minute of the day. Squashed up bits and pieces of tissue paper drenched with tears were spilling out from the already full wastepaper basket by my side. An almost empty tissue box was at my disposal, ready to be used. But I had stopped using it a long time ago. There simply were no more tears left in my dried up eyes which now resembled that of a goldfish. I had cried bucket loads of it but they would keep coming.
Then I felt it again. My eyes were getting watery again as the tears started to well up in my eyes again. My emotions got the better of me again as I suffered from yet another flashback. Why was this happening? Why can't I forget about it? Why can't I put it behind me? This was very unlike me. I used to know myself as somebody who could bury the bitterness of the past and concentrate on the future. I remember those carefree days. Days where I took everything for granted never turning round to look back. I missed the days where I was able to tell everybody that they shouldn't worry too much about life but to go on and lead it ordinarily. Gone were those days.
My mind was that of a broken video player. It rewinded automatically even when told not to do so. I closed my eyes again as someone seemed to press the play button somewhere in my mind. The pitch-black images that formed when I had closed my eyes had magically transformed into a film show. Not any ordinary film show, this one had colour, the proper sound and visual effects and most importantly has it seemingly realistic yet heartbreaking storyline.
It is funny how the pettiest of things can lead to such massive effects. For instance WW1 was started just because some fool killed somebody else. It was petty but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. In this case there were two camels, and we broke each otherâ€™s backs. The sad and disturbing fact was that I could have adverted the disaster had I kept my mouth shut.
We were in my room doing something I couldn't really be bothered to remember. Then we got bored and started talking about ourselves, our bittersweet relationship. I remember asking her to point out some of my bad habits so that I could improve on it. It was a failed gamble as she named it one by one by one... I could and should have held my tongue. They were all true. Very, very true indeed. I could have accepted the fact that I was wrong but my gargantuan ego told me that it wasn't going to happen. I fought back. We started a heated debate again. It was kind of how our relationship had been all this while - like a debate, meaningful but quarrelsome. She ran out of my room and stormed down the stairs. I gave chase. I slipped and went tumbling down the stairs. I didn't remember anything after that because I passed out. But I do remember crashing into her while I was falling.
Somehow there seemed to be a blank in the story there. I could scarcely remember what happened after regaining consciousness. While my mind was still trying to playing back the scenario, a tune came on the radio. A strong feeling of nostalgia and deja vu clouded my senses yet again as it reminded me of her and the missing link in the story. The singer was out on a date with his girlfriend when they met an accident. He survived and although she died, it was not before they did something lovely together. Something that we did too. Never till the day I die would I ever forget the lyrics to that song:
There were people standin all around.
Something warm flowing through my eyes.
But somehow I found my baby that night.
I lifted her head, she looked at me and said.
"Hold me darling, just a little while."
I held her close, I kissed her our last kiss.
I found the love that I knew I had missed.
Well now she's gone.
Even though I hold her tight.
I lost my love, my life, that night.
Where, oh where, can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me.
She's gone to heaven, so I've got to be good.
So I can see my baby when I leave this world.
The pain of having a loved one to die in your hands is unthinkable. Touching, romantic, yet unthinkable. No other human being would have taken my shoes. It felt as though someone was cutting a hole in my chest and ripping my heart out to watch it beat, piercing a thousand needles through it sadistically. But I do know that it was worth it. I do know that I would go through all those torments and suffering just to have just one more moment with her. I would replay the whole thing all over again just to have that one last moment. The moment that I would cherish for all eternity. Even if it meant that it was going to be our last kiss...
**Shame on you if you dunno that song**