Tuesday, May 31, 2005

job advertisement

Dear Miss Catherine Lee,

It is with great pleasure that I write to you on this day to announce a vacant post within my company. Due to the resignation of a previous employee some 3 months ago, I have done some intensive background research and headhunting. After reviewing potential candidates, I am glad to inform you that you were selected as one of the twenty people deemed suitable for the job on offer. Hence, I would like to formally invite you to apply for this available job.

This job shall initially carry the title of 'Girlfriend' within the company. The job opportunities within the company could be potentially fulfilling. In due course, and subject to future performances, the candidate could be promoted to the post of 'Best-friend' within a few months. With further success, it would then be possible to climb the corporate ladder quickly enough and be granted Life Partnership within the firm in just a few years.

Of course, such a job demands a high level of technical responsibility from the employee. I have managed to acquire important details of each potential candidate, but I would further scruntinise all applicants before making the final decision.

It would be important to note, that as a progressive company that prides itself on excellence, I have a 'non-competetive' application process. This means that the candidates would not have to compete with each other for the post, but would compete with the excellence standard set by the company. This means that it would be possible for more than one applicant to be hired for the job, as long as they all fit the excellence criteria. It would also mean that if there are no candidates deemed suitable, the company would then reject all applications, and keep your contact for future reference (for example : in the event of a repeat of The Great Depression).

Applicants should send their CV along with two suitable A3 sized pictures (preferably one studio picture and one taken first thing in the morning following a late night booze party) and a cover letter with the heading of "Application for position of Girlfriend (Ref A372-Q) to :

Mr. Vincent Lau
Email address : bitchinglog@hotmail.com

For further queries, please email the same address with the title heading of "Queries". If you require additional information about my company, please visit my website at http://vbglau.blogspot.com

Thank you.

Vincent Lau
(Chief Executive Officer)

Dear Mr Lau,

With regards to your job advertisement, please fuck off and die.

Katherine Lee
(Freelance agent)

p/s : You spelt my name wrong, dolt.



Monday, May 30, 2005

educate me

Sometime ago on MSN......

Seta : We have field trips for assignments. Visit homes, spend time talking to people, and write reports for it...

Vincent : So what sort of homes? Orphanages?

Seta : Yeah we visited an orphanage. There's also a home for abandoned kids. Last week, we visited a home for AIDS patients..

Vincent : Home for kids with AIDS?

Seta : No, adults.

Vincent : Eh, who decides the places you go to?

Seta : *says something that I can't remember* Why?

Vincent : Because that would be one of the last few places that I would visit. I rather spend my time for a more deserving cause.

Seta : ??

Vincent : Like cancer patients.....

Seta : So what have you got against AIDS patients?

Vincent : Well, counting the kids aside (those who got it from their mothers), AIDS is pretty much a self inflicted disease. This is what happends when you go around fucking random people, or poking yourself with a needle.

Seta : Well, some of them are pretty sad about it. A lot of them get rejected by their families..

Vincent : I am not saying that its a happy thing....I am saying that its self inflicted...like prisoners on the death row....you do something wrong....then you've gotta pay the piper..

Seta : I dunno...I guess its only compassionate.

Vincent : Yeah? I rather spend my time, and get scientists to spend their resources working on cures for cancer and stuffs....at least most of the types of cancer weren't self-inflicted anyway.

Seta : ....

So, you tell me.....am I wrong?

This is an argument I have had for quite a while. Although it sounds pretty extreme, I have not been able to think of a counter argument for it and nobody has yet been able to educate me as to why I should be more sympathetic towards AIDS patients.

I feel that since it is pretty much a self-inflicted disease (except for the kids and the odd blood-transfusion cock-ups) then people should divert their attention to other 'more deserving' causes. I am not even talking about the extreme stuffs like research grants for developing a cure. I am talking about simple stuffs....like money for more hospis and allocation of caregivers' manpower.

Usually most arguments have a flip side, but as I said earlier, I have not been able to think of one. Compassion, though valid, is a weak argument in my view - do they suffer more or does a kid with leukemia suffer more?

So, yeah........this is one of the rare times when I say, feel free to pounce on me for having such extreme views. Just tell me why I am wrong. Humour me...Educate me....

Friday, May 27, 2005

calvin and hobbes

When a kid starts reading the newspapers, the first section he would learn to read are the comics. I was no different. I had a great fascination with Kee's World, that local comic in the Star newspaper. Mostly because it had a great deal of pictures. The problem with comics like that is that they get dull very quickly. Its a case of 'seen one, seen them all'. The satire is almost always of the same genre.

Calvin & Hobbes

And that's when Calvin and Hobbes caught my eye. The jokes were hardly ever recycled, and there's something about obnoxious people - you just love to hate them (think Jose Mourinho). Me, I love people like that. So, it was not much of a wonder that this soon became my favourite comic.

Thinking about it, it soon became obvious why. Calvin and Hobbes was a comic about a kid who:

1) talks a lot to his imaginary friend.
2) is sarcastic and obnoxious like hell.
3) has a vivid imagination.
4) is smart ass with smart ass opinions about everything.
5) enjoys taking the piss out of girl(s).

Remind you of anybody you know?

Sounds like you, Vincent.

*if you know me well enough, you would have been able to see the similarities between myself and that comic strip above....shit, just read yesterday's article*


Thursday, May 26, 2005

my deepest condolonces

Today is a sad day. Because of the passing of a loved one, today's entry shall be a grim one.

When you are as a devoted a person as I am, it is not often your faith is shaken. When you have been such a good friend as I had been over the past ten years, it is disturbing to see your friend betraying you. Betraying you by not being able to give you the thrills of before. Over the years, he had been a friend, a great friend, and I shared many ups and downs with him.

There were sad times, there were happy times. More often that not, they were happy. But life is cruel. Slowly but surely, my good friend drained all faith away from me. Slowly but surely, he took back everything he had given me over the years.

I could see my friend slipping away over the past one year. So unfair is life. So cruel is faith. He slipped into a deep coma last Saturday. Still, all hope had not died. Surely the Gods would be merciful? It was not to be. He showed a small sign of recovery this evening, but then slipped back into a coma.

He passed away tonight at 10.14pm.

Football had just died on me.

*That's two years in a row a Mickey Mouse team won the Champions League...with more luck than anybody in Vegas. That, and Greece winning Euro 2004, you wonder what the fuck is wrong with the footballing Gods.*


Wednesday, May 25, 2005

biological accident

Yesterday, I was chatting on MSN with my friend whom we shall now call Sotong.

Vincent : Oi...haven't seen you online in a while.

Sotong : Oh, been busy. I just came online to congratulate my friend who is getting married.

Vincent : Ooh...accident?

Sotong : Don't know. The dude is around our age.

Vincent : Guaranteed accident then!!

Sotong : Dunnolah. I don't know the wife. But I think he is quite the holy type.

Vincent : I don't think her big belly agrees with you.

Sotong : Heheheeh..

This reminded me of a story when I was younger.

My neighbours on the left house were a bunch of really rich dudes. They were in their late-50's. Their youngest son was quite a charming bloke of about 30 years old. One day, Mrs. Lim called over my mum over the garden wall and my mum had a hearty little chat with her. Housewife gossip, I reckoned. I went about my business playing around the garden when I noticed that Mrs. Lim's eyes were teary and mum was busy consoling her. Still, I was just 5 or 6 years old and had no concern in the problems of the adults.

One fine day, many years later when I was about to leave to come to the UK, in the midst of all her advice of 'study hard' and 'don't play around so much', she suddenly reminded me of Mrs. Lim.

Mum : Do you remember once when Mrs Lim was talking to me over the garden wall?

Vincent : There were loads of times you did that la. You housewives used to gossip a lot.

Mum : No, there was once when you were playing with your car and Mrs Lim started crying. After that you asked me why she cried.

Vincent : Oh...that. But no, I never asked you why. Hahahaha.....I had learned not to ask you about housewife gossip.

Mum : Smack you then you know.....

Anyway, mum then proceeded to remind me about the Lim family who had since moved out of that house. They were filthy rich, and as such had a high social standing. I remember them having a shit load of house parties as well. Mum then told me that on that faithful day, Mrs Lim had just found out that her youngest son had made his girlfriend pregnant.

Apparently, they were extremely old fashioned people.....and a bastard grandchild was the last thing they wanted. The humiliation was intolerable. How would they tell their equally conservative families? How could they face up to their high-society friends? What would people say when they go to the wedding only to find the bride with a protruding belly? If there was ever an example of Chinese 'face culture', this was it.

Times change. Traditional conservativeness has long evaporated. We have traded our values in the name of modernisation, the same way whores prostitute their honour. All for the sake of keeping up with times. All because the norm says its ok to do so. Still, all that is forgivable.

What is unacceptable is the reckless way people go about with this newly acceptable act. To put it crudely, only for the sake of drilling the point home - it is unconceivable that people these days still fuck without protection. Educated people. People from large towns exposed to these things from an early age. Fuck all you wish. Copulate like bunnies.....its your life. But don't cause pain and suffering by bringing unwanted babies into this world. Don't go around spreading diseases. And don't give idiotic excuses like (true story) :

"I can't feel a thing wearing that thing......"

"He promised that he would pull out before he comes......."

There was a moral to the story above. If you do not care about whether you get knocked up, or whether you get AIDS, fine by you. Just spare a thought for your parents.

I end this post with a story in the Sun newspaper here in the UK a couple of days ago. Its the kind of story you read....and can't decide what to feel. You don't know whether you should be sad or disappointed. You know you are angry, but not sure who you should be angry with...

Meet the Kid Sisters

Picture sourced from www.thesun.co.uk
Picture sourced from www.thesun.co.uk

SISTERS Jemma, Natasha and Jade Williams proudly pose with their tots - after getting pregnant aged 12, 16 and 14.

The three girls and their children share a council home in Derby with their twice-divorced mum Julie, 38.

None of the toddlers' dads is supporting their children - so the Williams family rakes in £31,000-a-year benefits.

Moaning mum Julie last night insisted their school was to blame for them getting pregnant.

Grandma Julie said teachers had failed her girls by not explaining about the perils of sex early enough.

Continue reading the article....

Related stories :
Truth behind sisters' pregnencies
'Dad' demands DNA test


Monday, May 23, 2005

2005 bimbos

A couple of weeks ago, I stumbled upon the Miss Universe website. However, due to my busy exam schedule laziness, I didn't bother looking through the pictures and watching their video interviews.

Say hello to our very own bimbo. Much, much better than last year's fatso though. Last year we had a posh 'clueless about Malaysia, can't speak Malay' bimbo. This year, we have an AhLian. (I just added a picture of last year's bimbo, just click on the word 'fatso' above, the rest of the links take you to articles I wrote.)

Anyways....since I was a bit free, I decided to make a collage of the chunnest chicks.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
1st row : South Africa, Venezuela, Greece, Brazil
2nd row : Korea, Chile, Thailand, United Kingdom
3rd row : Serbia&Montenegro, Spain, Indonesia, Australia

As you can see, South Africa has a pair of rather large mamaries. I thought Venezuela looked a bit like Monica Belluci. Korea, Chile and Thailand are my favourites. You should watch their videos. I included Indonesia because I thought it was quite cool that they allowed a participant this time around, although she is the only one wearing a one-piece swimsuit. And damn, the Australian accent sounds damn sexy..

As usual, I have always said, beauty contests should be kept as that. As soon as most of them opened their mouths, you just wanted them to slap them for being so bleaming stupid. The Belgium one takes the cake (go watch the video if you feel like it). We also learned that the latest fad in most countries is to wear some colourful rubberband thingy around your wrist. They have it here in the UK as well. Supposedly, its to help out a certain cause (yellow=Lance Armstrong, pink=breast cancer, black&white=racism). However, this shit can't fool me....you just know that most people wear it for fashion anyway. Someone tell me whether you guys are doing the same thing back home?

I was actually planning to do another collage of the hideous not-so-fortunate contestants, but then I realised...this is not keeping with the purpose of the Miss Universe competition. Beauty is only skin deep. Those ladies who aren't that beautiful on the outside are probably gorgeous on the inside. Every woman is probably stunningly beautiful in her own way. So, let us embrace the beauty of all the contestants...

*Actually, I was lazy to do the 'ugly' collage....resulting in me having to say all that crap. Please do check out Albania, China, Angolia, Ethiopia, Japan and Jamaica. Do not blame me if you puke on your keyboard*


Sunday, May 22, 2005

cool quotes

In the last 48 hours, I have heard random quotes that would be easy contenders for quote of the year :

From an Arsenal fan :
Manyoo were shit, we played better and deserved to win.

From a female Manyoo fan (and hence a glory hunting 'fan')
Cow : What's wrong with Manyoo la? So stupid...
Vincent : Nothings wrong with them..did you even watch the game?
Cow : Errr....no. I was busy.

And, from a random person :
Holy shit!??! I didn't know Anakin becomes Darth Vader! That sucks!


Thursday, May 19, 2005

my plans for world domination

Since I've been tagged a grand number of 3 times by Lyn, Bujanglapuk, Waterjunk, I thought that I should get around to doing this. If you didn't already know, its a game where you can pick 5 occupations out of the list below, and then pass the tag along to 3 friends so that they could do it.

If I could be a scientist
If I could be a farmer
If I could be a musician
If I could be a doctor
If I could be a painter
If I could be a gardener
If I could be a missionary
If I could be a chef
If I could be an architect
If I could be a linguist
If I could be a psychologist
If I could be a librarian
If I could be an athlete
If I could be a lawyer
If I could be an innkeeper
If I could be a professor
If I could be a writer
If I could be a llama-rider
If I could be a bonnie pirate
If I could be a service member
If I could be a photographer
If I could be a philanthropist
If I could be a rap artist
If I could be a child actor
If I could be a secret agent
If I could be a comedian/comedienne
If I could be a priest
If I could be a radio announcer
If I could be a phlebotomist
If I could be Paris Hilton’s stylist
If I could be a movie producer
If I could be the CEO of Microsoft
If I could be an astronaut
If I could be a world famous blogger
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world
If I could be married to any current famous political figure
If I could be a dog trainer

Now....if you recall, once upon a time, I did mention why I blog. Its in the FAQs by the side. Basically, I feel that the world would be a much better place if it were governed by my rules and my way of life. There would be not so much hate around, stupid people would be non-existant (because I will execute all of them), and people wouldn't complain about things too much. But there was a problem, I had no army to use to fight for me, and I had no machine that could brainwash people to think like me.


If I could be a priest...
I would create my own religion where I am God (since I am great anyway) and get people to worship me. Then, I could tell my followers to go and fight wars in my favour. I mean, I would be no different from the rest of the other people anyway. People fight and kill other people just because they seem to think that 'my God is better than yours'. Its been going on for centuries (however long ago the Crusades were) and is still going on now...so essentially, I won't be doing anything different.

If I could be a scientist...
I would then develop one of those brainwashing machines to be used after I take over the world. Like Hitler, I would set up large concentration camps and fill them up with those brainwashing machines. Resistance is futile. Anybody who does not respond kindly to the brainwashing exercise would be termed 'stupid' and forced to wear a 'Stupid Star' on their shirt pockets. The rest of the general public are allowed to scorn and kick them in the backside. We could also round-up all those Stupid Star people and I could build one giant hamster wheel (I am a scientist, remember) and force them to run on the wheel, generating enough electricity supply so that we scientists don't have to worry about hydroelectric dams and renewable fuel source.

If I could be a psychologist...
I will stock my treatment room with guns, ropes, sleeping pills, etc....My office would be on the top floor of Vincent Tower, and there would be a window which is permanently open. Whenever somebody complains to me about how sucky their life is, I would point them in the direction of the window, or give them a tool of their preference. Besides, psychologists also make good brainwashing agents. Their style will definately be primitive compared to my self-built machine, but I am a far sighted man, and I have considered the factors of Appropriate Technology. For those rural villages with no electricity, psychologists like myself could go there and manually brainwash people there by just talking all sorts of jibberish analytical stuffs.

If I could be a world famous blogger........
Bloggers actually have more power than people realise...especially the famous ones. Like that Xiaxue who 'lost' her camera and her readers volunteered to buy her a new one or send her money. Imagine, she didn't announce her bank account number on that post, and yet some people dug it up from her archives and transferred money to her. Fucking amazing! Or, like Maddox, who got screwed over by a travel agent, resulting in a shitload of those American dudes boycotting them and sending them hate mail.

Now............think of all the stuffs I could do with all that power. My blog would then be about spreading my propaganda (if it isn't already one). I could use it to build my army, so I have two armies. One who worship me as God, and the other one who worship my writtings, and hence worship me as God nonetheless. Both who are willing to do my bidding (total world domination).

Oh, a lot of people have told me that I can argue stuffs very well, so,

If I could be a lawyer...

I would have the tongue of a King Cobra (forked) and that would be cool because not many humans have forked tongues. This means that I could join a travelling circus and be rich.

That last one had nothing to do with world domination if you didn't already realise. Its just that some people exist just to be the butt of a few jokes. Like blondes, and, erm...lawyers.

And now, I should tag people who are most unlikely to respond..Which means, I tag Doc, Metalrage, and any lawyer.


Tuesday, May 17, 2005

greatness personified

*warning - this is one of those posts where I tell remind shove in people's faces the fact that I am great and powerful. Just like those dudes sitting high up in the skies. A wise young man once said - "Speaking the truth does not equate to an ego problem." If I remember correctly, his name was Vincent.*

I just came back from an exam. Let's recap what previous revision I had done for this paper prior to last night and early this morning.

Last Tuesday - went to the library to borrow a book regarding this course. Got the textbook recommended by the lecturer.

Last Friday - photocopied notes of lectures that I missed. Realised that the stupid book was of correct title but by a different author. Too lazy to go back to library.

Last...erm....no. That was the only work I did for that module in the whole semester.

And so....I crammed one whole semester's worth of work in about 8 hours last night and early this morning.

This morning at 9am, I walked into the exam room, looked at the exam paper and laughed to myself. 1.5 hours later, I walked out totally and utterly convinced of my genius.

Project Petaling Street is having some blog awards thingy in conjuction with their 2nd anniversary. Click here to nominate (you must be a PPS member though). There are 3 categories which you can nominate. They are:

"Ping of the Year" (B*tchingLOG's Racial Hoo-Hah..or any of the 300 or so articles in the archives)
"Blog of the Year" (B*tchingLOG...not a weBLOG)
"Neophyte Blog of the Year" (B*tchingLOG does not qualify, so choose someone else, like Kenny)

Somehow....I don't find this a shameless act of blog prostitution.....


Monday, May 16, 2005

the best

Its exam week and my timetable is crap. My first paper starts in about 6 hours time and as usual, I have taken the liberty of harnesing my 'working best under stress' skill. I just finished studying the whole subject.....in just one day. Who said you need to study during term-time?

Anyway, as I was saying, timetable is crap. I have another paper tomorrow and on Wednesday, before finishing on Friday. I predict that that would be when all hell breaks loose. However, most of my friends still have exams, so celebrations on that night would be limited to watching Star Wars.....and a few drinks.

So postings will be infrequent and unpredictable (I always say that, but somehow do post anyway). I haven't even looked at the notes for the Friday paper yet. Hehehe....

Oh, my friend Karen who just discovered my blog a couple of weeks ago asked me about the 'previously on...' section in the sidebar. In case anybody else was wondering, those are my favourite articles and stuffs which I think are generally the best of the lot. They give new readers an insight into my blog to see what kind of person I am.

She then asked me which my favourite/best was.

Favourite...I don't know. Most controversial is easy. Its gotta be the 'Congratulations...you moron' article. I wrote 'A Woman with Balls' with the intention of building an inspiration for some people...and I would like to think that it worked. 'Racial Hoo-Hah' was something written in the midst of all the controversy and is my personal pick for best of the lot. 'Patriotism my Bleaming Ass' also rates somewhere up there as one of my favourites. 'Unscrupulous Kid' and 'Education' are examples of articles which I know from feedback a lot of my readers loved.

So, you tell me....Which was your favourite? Which article do you think is the best of the lot? Feel free to split them up into your own categories if you wish (eg. Most Inspirational, Funniest, Most Asshole-ish, etc....)


Sunday, May 15, 2005


People tend to do things with a particular intention in their mind. However, sometimes, good intentions might sometimes backfire and result in something bad. Similarly, it is possible to have a totally evil intention, and by some miraculously sinister twist of fate, the event turns out to be well received by people.

There was an incident once upon a time, when I was a rascal in school. I was just 13 years old and in Form 3. There was this Maths teacher that nobody liked. He was this lanky Indian man who thought he was in the 60's as his hairstyle and starched bell-bottom pants would indicate. He would come to class everyday and the first thing he would do would be to sit at the teacher's desk and shout out each student's name to return their homework. And he scolded each and every student for a mistake. He did not differentiate the good students from the bad and nobody escaped his daily maniacal tirade.

After that, he would rise from his chair the same way I imagined Jesus rose from the grave, and stand upright before straightening his immaculately starched pants. We imagine that it was something he took great pride in doing. Being rebellious (and creative) teenagers, we decided to do something about his weird pride in his pants.

Before he came into the classroom for the lesson we would take the blackboard duster and whack it repeatedly onto the teacher's chair. This left all the residue chalk dust on the white plastic chair. Needless to say, it would not be a very good idea to sit on white chalk dust when you are wearing black pants, and so we managed to successfully leave a big white spot on his ass cheeks everyday.

This went on for sometime until one day, when I happened to be busy dusting the chair with the blackboard duster, the dude walked in. He was 5 minutes early. With my back towards the door, I was not aware of his existance..till he shouted :

"Vincent! What are you doing?"

With the help of some extremely quick thinking, I quickly concealed the duster and started wiping the chair with violent arm movement...sort of to emphasise the point that I was cleaning the chair.

"Oh sir. Er...I think the chair is very very dirty because everytime a teacher sits on it, their pants get dirty. So I was just wiping it."

"Thank you. I'll clean it myself now. Please take your seat."

He then began his daily routine of giving back the marked homework. And you guessed it, for the first time in history, he did not say anything to me when he gave me back the book. I think he was still thanking me for saving his pants from getting dirty.

And so.....that was how a totally evil intention turned out damn well.

And why am I telling you all this?

Because the same thing happened two days ago. The last post was supposed to be poking fun at 'people'. If you guys had looked at the other 'lessons in life' they were all sarcastic answers meant to poke fun at people. This was no different. What was supposed to be a laughter/puke inducing article actually backfired in my face. It caused a lot of women to nod silently to themselves and leave with the impression that Vincent is actually a very nice romantic bloke who says all sorts of nice things to women.

So..in actual sense, since chicks DO read this blog, I should have shut up and let the brilliant backfire work in my favour. But lying is bad (kids take note..LYING IS BAD), and so I decided to come clean and not spoil the market for my comrades-in-arms (other guys) out there.

Lesson learnt : If your boyfriend ever says something like that to you..he doesn't mean it. Its true, you know. There is a lesson to be learnt from reading Snow White and the 7 dwarves. Mirrors NEVER lie. In other words, never ever ask questions like that. Ever.

*In person, I am a very very nice guy who says nice things to women. Its true, you know.*


Friday, May 13, 2005

vincent's lessons in life #4

When I started the 'Vincent's Lessons in Life' series, it was to help people get out of tight situations when they do not know how they should act, or what they should say. You can read all the old ones here : #1,#2, #3 . The theme has not changed, and this is another situation that a lot of guys face but do not know how to handle.

You know, these women....they like to ask questions, and then when you answer them, they get pissed. One of the most fucked up questions they ask is : "Do you think she is prettier than me?"

Scenario 1

Girlfriend : Do you think she's prettier than me?
Vincent : No
Girlfriend : Really meh? I think she's really very pretty. Don't lie to me...
Vincent : Really. I think you are prettier.
Girlfriend : I know myself ok...I think she is prettier..stop lying to me.

*apparently, answering NO makes you a liar....not a good idea*

Scenario 2

Girlfriend : Do you think she's prettier than me?
Vincent : Yes
Girlfriend : Why don't you go marry her then...since I am not pretty enough for you.
Vincent : Dear, that's not what I said.
Girlfriend : Don't want to talk to you anymore. Not pretty enough for a shallow bastard like you.

*apparently, answering YES makes you a shallow bastard*

Scenario 3

Girlfriend : Do you think she's prettier than me?
Vincent : Dear, we can't compare things like that. Every woman is beautiful.
Girlfriend : What the fuck!?!? Don't try to dodge my question.
Vincent : No, dear. Really. You are prettier in a different way.
Girlfriend : What different way? I am not pretty enough, just say so la. Spineless goat.

*apparently, answering with an 'on the fence' answer makes you a coward*

Scenario 4

Girlfriend : Do you think she's prettier than me?
Vincent : You know, sayang, if you were to ask your mum whether she thinks you are pretty, she will look you in the eye and tell you that you are the most beautiful child in the world. Same thing here, sayang, I think you are the most beautiful girlfriend a guy could ever hope for.
Girlfriend : Awwwwww...

*that night, you shall receive the most mind-blasting blowjob of your life*

Author's Note : Please keep in mind that 'pretty' and 'beautiful' have very different meanings. Vincent shall not be held morally responsible if you try this at home but fail to pull it off because you said it wrongly. He also disclaims responsibility if your girlfriend is an avid reader of this blog and punches you in the dick for blatant plaglarism. This community service message was brought to you by Vincent, author of the critically acclaimed 'B*tchingLOG...not a weBLOG'


Thursday, May 12, 2005

appropriate technology, part 2

Nearing the end of yesterday's article, I just realised I had rambled on and on about appropriate technology without explaining what it was. And then...I got too lazy to add this whole argument in. Anyways....

Q :What the bloody hell is appropriate technology?

A : The best example I can give you is with the irrigation systems thingy in poor countries. Let's say one day, you become damn rich and feel like making the world a better place. You read in the papers that those poor farmer dudes in India face problems during the dry season. So you think, "I go and buy the best and most sophisticated water pump there is in the market and I'll give it to one lucky farmer."

Very good, indeed. Farmer says thank you very much. Newspapers take pictures of you and tout you as a kind soul. Everybody is happy....until 6 months down the road when that stupid pump breaks down. Farmer gets a mechanic to try to repair it, but the mechanic says he's never seen such a sophisticated piece of equipment. In the end, farmer can't find anybody to repair it, and so he goes back to using donkeys (or whatever the hell it is that he was using) to pump all that water.

That is a good true story example of inappropriate technology.

Q : Why is all this crap important?

A : Its quite obvious, so that you don't do what the dude in the above example did. More importantly, so that more research can be done into developing equipment suitable for such communities. I spent the last 8 months developing a machine that could crush plam nuts (kelapa sawit) in remote Ghanian villages which do not have access to electricity and running water. Oh..did I mention that they were poor? And so, instead of a cool looking robot machine at the end of the project, we came up with a crude homemade machine.

Q : What so hard about that?

A : The challenges were unimaginable and the constraints ridiculous. Everything we had learnt was thrown out the window. Even the most basic of mechanical components like bearings were not feasible components. We couldn't use rivets. Welding was a no-no. The only material we could use was steel - but still needed to keep the weight down.

Q : So what? What has all this got to do with what you said yesterday?

A : Compare the gulf in technology between the Mars rover and that appropriate technology water pump in India. What would they be (potentially) used for?

Mars rover used to collect some soil samples and take photographs. This is so that we can learn more about Mars. This is in case one fine day a giant asteroid hits Earth and we all need to go stay in Mars.

Water pump used to supply water to paddy fields during dry season. This is so that the crops don't die. This is so that the farmer can sell his crops to feed his family and buy todi. Otherwise, they starve along with the other people who don't get to eat because every other farmer's crops died.

Now......if only all those brilliant minds and money had been channeled to a more needy cause.

Q : All that is very noble indeed. But why the bloody hell would rich developed countries want to channel time and money into helping those poor starving dudes?

A : They don't have to. Its nothing more than a moral debate. They can go ahead building their space probe to go to the Sun (true story). Its their money. Its their resources. They can spend their time and money developing robots that walk and talk and wave to people. They can build a robot the size of a MechWarrior which can change car tyres, direct traffic and stop cars from crashing.

Or....they could help solve the rest of the world's problems at hand before moving on to things in a larger scale (large AND disastrous - like the International Space Station. They kept pumping money into it to keep it alive). Nobody said that they shouldn't do all those space exploration stuffs. I am just saying that at the moment, there are better things they could do with all that money and expertise.

Q : Ah, ok.....but I still disagree with all that.

A : Yeah, ok. You can kiss my hairy ass..........

No, I was just joking. Unlike most other things, there is no right and wrong here. You are welcome to disagree and continue building all your robots which walk around doing nothing. Please post your grievances in the comments section.


Tuesday, May 10, 2005

appropriate technology, part 1

Once upon a time, I saw something like that and decided that I wanted to be a Mechatronics Engineer. Thankfully I stuck to Mechanical, because I soon found out that I hated programming.

Anyway, you MUST check this out:

R50RD - Automonous Biped Robot

Its ok if you are too lazy to download all the videos, but if there is one that you want to watch, choose the 'Car Stopping' video.

I always believed a robot would be the most natural complement to the automobile - a full biped, intelligent version having great strength, dexterity and a library of mechanical knowledge. I imagined a robot with the ability to repair vehicles, direct traffic and watch over high-accident crossroads to preempt accidents.
Now, all that is left for the dude to do is to make it actually transform, like in the cartoon. At the moment, its just a mini cooper. When he does a trailer, that would be way cool.....like Optimus Prime. If you are a guy below 30 and don't know who Optimus Prime is, please get out of my blog.

But seriously, what's the purpose of this kinda stuffs? Sue me for being short-sighted, but there are some fields of engineering, which I feel is totally pointless. Cool, but pointless. There is a video of the robotic arm unscrewing a bolt from the car tyre. Do you actually need a robot to do that? Do you need a robot to direct traffic? Sure...its damn cool that that robot can stop a landrover from crashing (I told you to watch the damn video). But how vital is all that compared to the amount of money and manpower invested in such a project?

I believe in Appropriate Technology. While it is true that technology is there to make our lives easier and to quench our thirst for knowledge, there are some instances in which technology is not appropriate. Take for example those Mars expeditions.

The Americans sent a damn car onto Mars to take some damn cool colour photographs and take some samples of sand. Way cool. Not just engineers, but I am sure everybody appreciated the level of technology involved. Think about it...its like having a multi-billion dollar remote controlled car. But after that? What next? What about the British Beagle that was send to Mars? Oh yeah...I forgot, that one crashed. So, after spending all that bloody money on both projects, what have we learned?

Mars DOES indeed look red. Mars might have had water some umpteen billions of years ago. And then we do realise that alien DID exist some umpteen billions of years ago. Yeah, so what?

Imagine...with all that damn money and with all those talented minds focused in more pressing issues, a lot of the world's problems could be solved:
  • develop some sort of irrigation system to counter the problem of drought in poor countries
  • develop an internal combustion engine the size of an AA battery (prototype already exists)
  • develop an android sex doll that could be used by horny people to cut down rape cases
You get the idea........

A lot of engineers actually do not agree with this though. I had sort of an argument with one of my lecturers when I wrote an Advanced Technology case study talking about the need for Appropriate Technology in developing countries. He said that it was a social science report. I argued that while it did in a way resemble one, it was still damn bloody relevant in advanced technology to perfect existing inventions and solve existing problems before we move on to building new stuffs. I lost, and got a miserable 45% for that coursework.

*to be continued*


Monday, May 09, 2005

yankee doodle

Weird buggers, those Americans.

Firstly, they are the world's foremost superpower. It seems they have it all. They have a fearsome military and a mighty economy. In terms of technological advances, probably only Japan would be able to compete with them. Then, they have those buggers called NASA. I kid you not, if there is a dream job for me, it would be with those buggers. Now, you don't exactly get to a position they are in by being a nation of dumbasses. No, surely that country is full of smart alecs.

Unfortunately, that is not the case. Its been well documented and very well known that those yankee friends of ours are quite thick in the head. Stupid, in other words. I mean, just look at their leader. His face is the epitome of all things stupid. Clearly, something doesn't add up. How does a nation of supposedly dumb people get to be so advanced and be the best at almost everything they do?

Stupid is the wrong word. The word you are looking for is 'ignorant'. In my time here, I have had the opportunity of working and talking to many people of many different nationalities. No prizes, for guessing then, that number 1 on the Ignorant List are the Americans. It might also be interesting to know that number 2 are our friends Down South.

My conclusions are not without merit. In my first year here, I met what surely must be the stupidest and most ignorant (the word 'stupid' DOES apply here) person in my whole life. Oh yeah, he was a Californian. If I were to tell you of his exploits, it would stretch for pages long, so I will save those stories for another day. There was also this American girl I knew who thought a praying mantis was a type of squirrel.

Well, a few days ago I met another of those weird specimens. The following is a conversation I had on the bus with this American girl in one of my classes doing a coursework with me. And since I can't think of a nice name, let's call her Bola :

Vincent : How was your holidays?

Bola : *bimbo voice* It was soooo coooool............how about yours?

Vincent : Was good..I went to Amsterdam.

Bola : Oooh...nice nice. Wait...Amsterdam is in Holland isn't it?

Vincent : Yes.

Bola : What about Netherlands? Is that in Holland as well? I never knew..

(I can't afford to be rude to her)

Vincent : No, Netherlands and Holland are the same thing.

Bola : Oooh. What's 'Dutch', then?

Vincent : People from Holland are called Dutch people.

Bola : Hmmm...I always thought that 'Dutch' was their language. So, what language do they speak? German?

(I am not fucking making this up. I nearly choked on my own saliva)

Vincent : No, they speak Dutch. Their language is called Dutch.

Bola : That's sooooo weird. Its so confusing.

Vincent : No its not. The English speak English. The Germans speak German. The Italians speak Italian....

Bola : Oh yeahhhhh....I didn't realise that. Wow!

(Again, I am not making this shit up. She actually said, "Wow!")

Couple of minutes later....

Bola : Have you had lunch yet?

Vincent : Nope. I am going to stop by the Union Shop to grab a sandwich.

Bola : Sandwiches in this country are expensive!

Vincent : Well, if you convert currency, they are. But to the locals, its about 2 quid for a meal. That's ok.

Bola : 2 pounds! That's like 4 dollars!

Vincent : Like I said, if you convert it, then it is expensive. If coverted to Malaysian dollars, that's like 14 bucks for a sandwich...

(I didn't waste my breath saying 'Ringgit' cause she sure as hell wouldn't have known what it was)

Bola : How much is 14 Malaysian dollars in US dollars?

(Now, I am officially pissed)

Vincent : Well, if you said that 2 pounds is 4 dollars, and I say that 2 pounds is 14 Malaysian bucks, then surely 14 Malaysian dollars is about 4USD??

Bola : *thinks a bit* No, surely you have to take into account the exchange rate?

Vincent : Yah....ok. That's right................

Weird buggers, those Americans. I still don't understand how they managed to be a world superpower.


Friday, May 06, 2005

how NOT to write a report

This is the reason I slept at 5.30am. I had to edit this shit so that it was acceptable to be submitted. To shorten it, I have removed the 'fucked-up, but acceptable' parts. You read it and tell me whether you would have laughed or cried if you were in my shoes. Bear in mind, this was written by a final year finance student. I have included some comments in between in grey.

Before you question about our understanding of the term 'real option', please allow us to clarify what we mean by 'real' option. The finance terminology 'real option', means an alternative or choice that becomes available with a business investment opportunity. For example, an R&D project may include options to downsize, expand or abandon other projects or even the project itself. However, our understanding here of 'real' option is from another perspective. It means an actual (= real) option in real life which gives the option holder a right to buy or sell asset(s) at a predetermined price within a given period of time in the future.

(That's actually quite an original way of opening the introduction section. That's also quite an original way of letting the reader know what a big moron you are. Its a fucking report, not a storybook. By the way, first user terms lie 'I, We, Us' are totally unacceptable. And what does 'actual(=real) mean?)

Assumptions of the option(insurance) :
To begin with, we would like to state clearly the assumptions of the option (insurance) we are talking about. A typical car insurance policy in reality covers against a wide range of events which are stated below (Due to the word constraint, we omit the explanation of them. For details, please click the link http://insurance.countrywide.com/auto/the6parts.aspx ):

(In case you were wondering, after reading the last line, let me clarify that this was a written report that was to be printed out and submitted. Not even the 10 Gods of Hell would know how to click a link on a piece of white A4 paper)

It's very complicated to value the option (insurance) with this kind of policies (hard to determine the exercise price and the volatility), thus we assume the car insurance (option) cover against only damages to the car in any form of events, such as accidents, flood, fire, vandalism etc with coverage less than the original value of the car. We also assume that there's only 1 claim can be made to facilitate our valuation.

(The English is astounding. Truly unbelievable.)

There're different kinds of valuation methods for American put option, such as Binomial pricing method, Game theory, Modified Black-Scholes. Here we're going to use Binomial pricing method, as it's the only one we learnt to value American style put option. Our assumptions and explanation of the parameter values are as follow:

(I wonder what gave her the impression that the reader would have been concerned about what the fuck she had or had not learnt. Its just not appropriate to write stuffs like that in reports.)

Second, the number of damage claims that can be made within the cover period in reality is unlimited. But for the simple option features we learnt so far, it's impossible to exercise the option more than 1 time. To be frank, this can be a big problem to the valuation of insurance using the Binomial pricing method. Luckily, in reality people are risk-averse and they surely don't want to have accidents even they've bought insurance because accidents may incur huge costs to them, e.g. the guilty feeling of causing injury to other people, the painful suffering of getting injured in accidents, the time consumed for making a claim. Therefore, the option won't be abused.

(I trully do not know where to begin. The English, as always, is of supremely top quality. "To be frank"? In a report?? Thought you talking to your best friend is it? I don't know about you guys, but "the painful suffering of getting injured in accidents" cracked me up pretty good)

Third, another limitation of the method used is the difficulty in establishing the volatility of the option. A standard deviation of 20% per year has been used in our case. There are two possible ways of reaching a suitable number, yet both are difficult to be named precisely.

(A damn clever method. If you do not know what the two methods are called, just say that they "both are difficult to be named". Quite precisely too.)

However, as mentioned before, car insurance in reality cover against occasions much more than we are discussing here, that means there's no equivalent one for comparison. But it's still interesting to see how big is the difference between them. We got car insurance premium quote= £1603.35 for a typical policies, which insure against the 6 items above-mentioned, of our new car model. It is obvious that the actual one is about 3 times as big as what we calculated!

(Apparently, "there's no equivalent one for comparison". Neo is 'the one'. Can't compare to him, alright? And wow! Its sooo exciting! The actual one is 3 times as big as what we calculated! Wow! I guess its so exciting that I should put an exclaimation mark showing my emotions!)

Kaneneh. That's not it! The whole report was filled with first-user terms, and full of gramatical errors. Its quite fucking amazing how she made it so far without flunking.


the greatest mystery

My halls had a formal dinner just now, celebrating its 40th anniversary. Its actually more of an excuse to dress up nice......and eat. This afternoon, when talking to my friend down the corridor, Lim, she was suggesting that we meet at 7.45pm before going down to the dining hall.

Vincent : Ok, 7.45 it is. Tell the rest of them not to be late ar. No need to put all that magic shag dust and everything.

Lim : Hmm? What magic shag dust?

Vincent : Oh...sorry, I meant make-up.

Lim : No la...won't be late. They coming to my room to change.

Vincent : For what? They got no room meh?

Lim : Haiyah, you all guys won't understand wan la.

And then later, at 7.30pm, on MSN Messenger :

Kevin : Eh what time meet?

Vincent : 7.45. You come my room when ready. Need to wait for the girls.

Kevin : Oh ok.

Vincent : Yeah, apparently they all changing in Lim's room. These chaboh all....I don't understand...all must change together...for what??

Kevin : Like that wan la girls. They want to ask opinion.

Vincent : Opinion? Chey! Best opinion giver - MIRROR! It doesn't lie, not like their friends.

Kevin : Mirror don't lie, but they lie to themselves mah.......

Vincent : True true...

Later at the dinner:

Vincent : Eh, I noticed that all of you have that long piece of cloth around your hands. Why ar? (I know its called a shawl, but my mouth was just kinda itchy)

Pie : Its like that wan.

Vincent : I think its quite useful. Serves as a good handkerchief. Can wipe mouth and hands after the meal. Cool.

So, can you chaboh out there explain why you guys feel the need to get dressed together in a bunch? Also, I need to know what the shawl is for. And before you retaliate and talk to me about why guys wear nooses around the necks, let me just explain that I do not like it, but it is the standard formal dress code. However, a piece of cloth (originally designed to cover the head) spanning across the back and wrapped over the elbows only to droop over the floor - is not necessary as formal wear. I don't know...but it looks kinda troublesome.

This reminds me of that Sepet, where Harith Iskandar says to his wife, "I'll never understand you women, even if I live to be a hundred." That damn scriptwriter came up with a line that would no doubt be echoed by all women who watched the show, "Its ok dear, your job is to love us, not understand us."


I am an engineer ok! Engineers MUST understand things ok! Its in our blood. If I can bloody understand the theory behind Navier-Stokes equation, I can fucking understand ANYTHING ok!

And since its 2.20am, and I have a lot of editting to do on a group business coursework due at 2pm, I shall stop and continue this theory another day...one fine day...........

And just so you know, I've proof read a 60-page report earlier today for my final year group project written by my groupmates. No problem there. But at the moment, this business coursework is 14 pages long and is full of shit which needs more editting than the report this morning. For your laughing pleasure, the jabroni in my business group thought that it would be suitable to open the first line of introduction with :

Before you question about our understanding of the term "real option", please
allow us to clarify what we mean by "real option".
Apparently, she must have confused a serious written report with the stand-up comedy act at her local pub. Any final year student who starts reports in that manner ought to be hung upside down from a tree and be licked in the face by a hundred scaby dogs with malaria. That damn cow.


Wednesday, May 04, 2005

'UK elections' for dummies

Did you know......that we are allowed to vote in the coming UK elections? Still not too sure who is eligible, but I reckon its open to all Commonwealth citizens residing in the UK. Whatever it is, I got my voting card a few weeks ago, and I am definately going to vote on Thursday.

My British friend, DinoDude wasn't too chuffed when I told him that I was allowed to vote. Personally, I think its quite unfair as well. I am a foreigner. Foreigners shouldn't be allowed to vote. Period.

Oh, wait...if there is a period there, this wouldn't be interesting at all. So, for arguments sake, you can say that we should be able to vote since it affects us as we are staying here. Well, two isses there.

Firstly, who told you that you can vote for something if it 'affects' you? Its like the US presidential elections affect the whole damn world since those dudes effectively become one of the most powerful people in the world, but that does not mean that the whole world has a say. (I personally feel that Micheal Jackson would make a better leader)

Next, on the issue of 'staying here', while it is true that some of their policies will directly affect us while we are here, do not forget that we are going to leave as well. Most students here do not stay long enough to see out one full term of a governing party anyway. So why should a person (like me) who would be staying here for another 4 months decide who should stay in power for another 4-5 years?

But anyhows, since I was given that right, I am going to make full use of it. Also, because I want to experience and see how those polling stations and systems are like. Its also kinda weird because I am still not allowed to vote back home. Above all, I have selfish reasons - I want to work here, and work permits are not something they are too keen to give out these days.

So, a run through..there are 3 major parties here in the UK :

Labour - The current ruling party under Tony Blair. The main problem for them is 'war issue' which a lot of people are pissed offed about. I personally don't give a hoot about that. Vote for them if you are happy with how things are at the moment.

Conservatives - On paper, Micheal Howard had the nicest and most attractive package to offer. Unfortunately, even to idiots, his plan doesn't make sense. He wants to spend more money on health services, education and policing. And he plans to generate all those extra funds by lowering the tax. Smart ass. Again, I don't give much of a hoot about that. However, his immigration policies has ensured that he doesn't get my vote. At the moment, there are 150 000 immigrants to the UK per annum. He plans to cut that figure to just 20 000. Vote for them if you are stupid.

Liberal Democrats - Most of my British friends have said that they would vote for Charles Kennedy's Lib Dem. This is because they plan to cut tuition fees (big issue for students) and abolish council tax. Where do they intend to get all that money from? Simple. Tax the rich even more. 50% to be precise. Quite unfair if you are rich and get robbed by a Robin Hood government. Vote for them if you don't see yourself getting rich anytime soon.

So go on then all you buggers studying here.......exercise your right to vote! Or you could just draw a monkey face next to the candidate's face and vote the monkey.


Tuesday, May 03, 2005

fucking murphy

Fuck that Murphy and his fucking law.

3 years in this country and I have never seen a power failure. Trust Murphy to come along on a fucking busy night to screw things up....

I had been camping in the computer lab since 8.30am. Then had a group meeting somewhere around 4pm. After that meeting, I decided to be extra hardworking and continue doing work in the computer lab. About 10.30pm, I decided that I was sick of the computer lab and should go home and chill for a while then continue working in my room. The moment I reach my hostel, all the lights around go out.

So I have to go back to the lab, where I am now, and in no mood to work now.......

By the way, I have one coursework due tomorrow, one due on Wednesday, one on Friday, and my final year project is also due on Friday......Don't worry, I ALWAYS work best under stress.

*if you don't know about Murphy and his fucking law, never mind, not really in the mood to explain....you will also find that posts will be short and random for these few days, unless I find time to type a long one*


Monday, May 02, 2005

i love assignments

Even though it was a Sunday, I spent the whole day in the computer lab doing work.

Even though it was a Sunday, the whole lab was full of other people doing work.

Even though it was a Sunday, I woke up at 8am.

Even though tomorrow is a public holiday, I will spend the whole day in the computer lab doing work.

Even though tomorrow is a public holiday, the whole lab will be full of other people doing work.

Even though tomorrow is a public holiday, I shall wake up at 8am.

Student life is indeed damn fucking fun.