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Thursday, June 30, 2005

projek beli ham tai

*my template is still a bit fucked up...don't bitch...

This is a continuation from the other day's post about me reminiscing about the good old days when adolescent kids first discovered the joy of porn. You can read it here.

After a while, we got pretty pissed offed about the whole 'borrowing' issue. Firstly, like I said earlier....the dude with the porn was king. It was irritating to harass some assholes just for enjoyment. Also, there was a great demand in relative to the extremely low supply. There was usually a queue....and the damn VCD usually got 'lost' by some dude who decided to keep it for himself, even before you could land your hands on it.

That is when my friends and I decided we had enough of this nonsense and decided to go out and buy it ourselves. Bruce and John, whom my older readers may remember as my partners in crime for the 'screwing the headmistress' car' incident.

I was in Form 3 then. Three of us idiots, each without balls big enough for the job decided to go to the pasar malam together and buy it together (very much like how girls go shopping together). We agreed that the SS2 pasar malam was the best place for our treasure hunting expedition because Bruce and I stayed near there and that it was pretty damn big. The plan was to buy the stuffs and then go over to Bruce's place to enjoy our bounty erm, play Red Alert. At the last minute, John chickened out on us, saying that his mum wouldn't let him go out with us (she forced him to study for that stupid pointless exam called PMR).

Anyways, Bruce and I decided to go ahead and get the goods. We walked around the whole place deciding which stall we should go to. We figured, it would be embarassing if the guy shooed us away for being underaged. Therefore, we decided would have been suicide to approach any stall with a housewife seller. Also, the timing had to be right. We couldn't buy it in front of other customers who might get anal and scold theVCD seller. We circled the damn pasar malam at least 5 times trying to pluck up the courage to approach the AhBeng sellers.

The feeling is like.....when you were 15 and trying to talk to a chick over the phone for the first time. You have to pluck up the courage to sit by the phone. You compose yourself and dial the first 3 numbers but you suddenly get scared and slam the receiver. You compose yourself, maybe walk around to take a piss....come back and manage to dial all the numbers, but again slam the phone down once you hear the ring tone.

Finally, we settled for a stall manned totally by young guys. It was exactly like talking to a chick.

"Leng chai...oy meh?" (Handsome boy, what do you want?)
"Tai ha jek...." (Just looking...)

And so, not having the courage to ask the first time around, we had to compose ourselves by pretending that we were interested in the stupid movies on sale. And of course there was the usual, "Eh, you ask la.." , "Why don't you ask?", "Why should I ask?". Finally, we decided on who gets which line. We compose ourselves and I go......

"Tai lo, ley yau mo mai ham tai?" (Boss, do you sell porn?)

Bastard gives us a cheeky grin, "Yaoo, ley oy meh?" (Yeah, what do you want?)

Bruce, "Ley kai siew la, wo oy yap pun geh.." (You recommend, I want a Japanese one)

Stupid ass.....speak for yourself. I wanted a white woman one. And so I told the AhBeng. With that, he nodded and he brought out a box from under the table. There were different compartments holding over 100 different CDs. He showed Bruce a few Japanese VCDs and showed me some with white women. (It was also interesting to note that one of the VCDs we chanced upon had a picture of a snake and a horse. No ducks and goats though)

Then, just like the conversation with the hot chick on the phone, once you get past the initial barrier, all fear just evaporates into thin air. We spent a good 5 minutes flipping through all the VCDs and studying them carefully, just as you would when you buy your first car. Bruce bought a couple of Japanese ones (one was for John) while I ended up with a French one. I can't remember how much it cost, but the AhBeng told us he would sell it to us cheap and that we should look for him if we ever wanted more.

Bruce made the mistake of bringing his to school to show off. Needless to say, a lot of people wanted to borrow it until it finally got 'lost'. Mine? It's still at home in corner of one of my cupboards hidden in one of my old books. To be fair to the AhBeng, it was pretty darn good.


Moral of the story : Buying porn is an important process in building a kid's character. It gives him the courage and skill required to chat up chicks.

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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

under construction

My template has been screwed up for the last few days.

I have no idea why because I never touched it.

If you happen to chance upon this, don't worry, it is temporary, I will revert back to the ugly red one as soon as possible..


UPDATE : As you can see, its already the traditional maroon. Its my damn trademark! I can't get rid of it! There are however still a lot of things I need to settle, so just bear with me for another day....if you have any suggestions, please let me know..........

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padan muka

Serves you right, you dick.

I told you a million times, you are not as great as you think you are. You and your kind. You have nothing. Nothing useful. All you have is an illusion. A goddamn illusion and you end up lying to yourself. The world gave you that illusion, but the world also owes you jack shit.

All this time, you and your kind scorn me, just as I scorned you before, just as I scorn you now. But turns out I was right, no? Arrogance with substance is something I can respect. But arrogance from a fool is something I laugh at.

Go back you cow, go back and wonder what went wrong. It was not today that you messed up. It was all this time when I told you, you and your kind that you would end up worse off than me. Go back and weep, you fool.

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Monday, June 27, 2005

adolescent memories





I was looking through my friend's DVD collection just now since I was feeling kinda bored. Scanning through them, I became even more bored. The Recruit, Matrix, Matrix Reloaded, Bruce Almighty, My Fair Lady.....and out of nowhere, Sex and Zen 2. On DVD, no less!! 'Special widescreen edition' summore!

The name sounded familiar, a little too familiar for my own good. I flipped the cover and read the synopsis and a very very weird sensation hit me (no, not an orgasm). I watched this damn show before! Deja vu! The first porn I watched which had a damn story and this was it!

It's about this horny bugger who has an ambition of banging more women than any other guy in history. However, he is very strict with his daughter (to protect her from men like himself) and makes a damn cool chasity belt for her. If I recall right, there was a scene where he tested out te chasity belt when his daughter was wearing it. He put a broomstick through her erm, hole and some rotating blades smashed it to pieces.

Anyways, the daughter goes to an all male school disguised as a guy. I recall a scene where they had the wanking competition to see who could shoot further. There is also a guy with a mechanical dick. Predictably, she falls in love with one of the guys who is actually a professional swordsman chasing an evil woman who is out to acheive world sexual domination.

I didn't watch it again, but from my vague memory, it was a pretty funny Chinese porn flick which tries to incorporate kungfu sex. Oh, the evil bitch is played by the now famous Shu Qi. Go pick up a copy from your local pasar malam dude, it's a good watch.

Which reminds me......I watched that damn show when I was in Form 2. 12 years old ok! I was corrupted from young by my classmates. Having porn vcds back then was like having cigarettes (or a nice ass) in jail. Everybody wants to be your friend. Everybody wants to borrow it. Needless to say some dudes became very popular because of that. Hell, I made friend with this guy who was an absolute dick just because I wanted to borrow some porn from him.

We have to remember that in those days, the Internet was governed by a 28.8kbps dialup modem. Horny kids can't wait for stupid fake pictures of celebrities to load up can they? And downloading videos was certainly out of the question. So basically, if you could find a way to get hold of some porn VCDs, you were instantly a hero in school.

After a while, that hero worship begun to die off, because as we got older (but still underaged) we grew larger balls. And large balls was the pre-requisite to be able to go up to the AhBeng VCD seller in the pasar malam and ask, "Tai lo, leh yau mo ham tai?" (Dude, you got porn?) while receiving stares from everybody around. Only after you did that would you be recognised as a teenager and not a kid anymore....

to be continued.....

Tomorrow : Project Beli Ham Tai

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Sunday, June 26, 2005

unfazed

Stepping into this country off the airplane from day one, I have heard countless tales of people being subjected to racist treatment. This is something which I usually brush off because of the accountability of the stories.

One such story was told by a Singaporean dude in my first month here. This dude came into the halls dining hall one day and was incensed by the fact that he was an actual victim of racism, as he called himself. Apparently he went to the university student union shop to try to by some tracing paper. All he could find were books (or pads??) of tracing paper. So, he went up to the cashier and asked whether he could buy ONE piece. She said no and rudely brushed him off. And because of that, he said she was being racist (cuz she was rude to him). I told him that it was not a damn kedai runcit and I would have told him to fuck off if I was that cashier.

It's stories like that that seriously make me brush away most 'racism' stories. There are also stories I heard where this Chinese dude was walking on the street and someone walked up to him, slapped him, and ran away. Those kinda stories are true, but they are not racist. It is actually a very very sad practice that kids here do. I can't remember the actual name for it, but the punks, or more affectionately known as 'yobs' find it funny to assault ANY random person on the street while a friend films it on their camera phone. At the end of the day, they compare amongst themselves to see which of them has a funnier video.

Anyways, today I have another 'racist' story involving the most credible of sources.......myself.

This afternoon, I was sitting alone in McDonalds having lunch while reading a newspaper. The tables in that branch are all relatively large with loads of chairs around. It was lunch hour and it was packed. In fact I had taken the last available table after getting my burgers. I was reading the papers when 3 fat pikey housewives came in with their kids. Three kids ranged from about 5 to 10 years old while there was another toddler in a pushchair.

Some of them sat while the others went to order their food. A few minutes later, while reading my newspaper, I heard a woman's voice :

"Fuck that Chinese guy....ask him for the spare chair"

I looked up immediately, not too sure whether I heard it right. One of the mothers saw me look up and her face changed colour immediately. I focused my attention to the fatso who was standing up and gave her a cold stare. Then, the most incredulous thing happened. The bitch put on a nice smiley face and said in the politest of tones:

"Would you mind if my son took that spare chair?"

I continued staring at her and asked, "What did you say?"

"I asked if my son could take that spare chair"

"Yeah he can..........but what did you say before that?"

Silence.....Not a single denial, nothing. That's one guilty bitch speechless at awe of my guts.

"Just so you know, I am not offended by your words......but for you to say it in front of 3 kids and a toddler....that's just fantastic..."

(thinking about it, there were so many harsher and more sarcastic things I could have said, but this was the spur of the moment thing)

And with that I went back to chomping on my Double Cheeseburger. Not a single word from her....not a denial, not an apology, nothing. And in case you were wondering, I was not the least offended by her remarks. She's a pikey - the lowest social class there is. Trailer park trash. She dressed like one and talked loudly like one. I never get offended by pikeys.

What I was pissed offed about was that just the previous night, I had been thinking a shit load about kids reading my blog with all the profanities and stuffs (and feeling a bit guilty), and here was a mother telling her 10 year old kid to 'fuck that chinese guy'. If she had said it amongst her friends, I wouldn't have bothered. But which goddamn mother talks to her 10 year old kid like that?


*Sidenote : This is a totally different situation from the Amok story. This was a remark made by a pikey - and hence insignificant. I was however quite pissed with Merriam Webster because they are a big organisation who should know better

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Saturday, June 25, 2005

unsuitable for kids

Talking to Kim this morning, I realised that there was an important point that I did not cover in the NST article on blogs.

Sure, I was dissapointed that my address and my name was not mentioned. But I don't blame them. Look at my blog title. It doesn't exactly spell 'wholesome family entertainment' does it? About a year ago, long before the famous Star Two article, there were some featured blogs in the Youth 2 section. I remember taking one look at that article and turned my face in disgust. If these pansies talking about their juvenile problems can get into the national newspaper, so can I.

But then reasoning took over. No way was I going to going to be featured in a national newspaper (and sure as hell not in the Youth a.k.a. kid's section) with the kinda content and language I use. As Eyeris once pointed out to me, 'Congratulations...you moron' isn't exactly something a national newspaper reporter can write and get away with whether or not he feels that way.

Anyways, the point was that I figured out long ago that my blog with all its profanities and cussing would have an obvious target audience of adults. I have even had some blog policemen come here and tell me that I should not write like that and should not insult people as much as I do. I told them to fuck off.

Just now, I was reading this about some bloke complaining that minishorts.net was not suitable for his kids. I guess, his letter did have a point in a way. Here, the nation's number 1 newspaper was telling people that blogs are good things, and the next minute his young kids are reading about Little Mermaid not having a cunt.

That said, I do not think that The Star is to blame. They did a pretty good job of showcasing blogs, good ones at that. And Minishorts? She's done nothing wrong. She said what she wanted to say. This is where my long winded story above takes relevance. My philosophy in blogging from day one was to say what I want to say and not give a hoot about others.

But still, the dude did have a point. I cannot blame him for not censoring what his kids read. He can censor stuffs like porn, but when it comes to blogs....how was he to know? We have to remember that blogs are still relatively unknown stuffs. When somebody told me about a web-blogs, I thought it was a diary of what sad losers did everyday. As far as I was concerned back then, I had no idea as to the kind of 'awesome' material people put in their blogs. So, to the average Joe, blogs are child friendly and there would be no reason to restrict them.

Weird thing is....it never occured to me that some kid might chance upon my blog. I sure as hell wouldn't want some 10 year old kid reading some of the stuffs I wrote, stuffs like this. Would you want your kid reading that and clicking on the picture?

So......what do we do?

Its like porn. Should we abolish it just because kids shouldn't see it? No.

We could however put up little disclaimers just like in porn sites.

'If you are not 18 or above, please click this button to leave.'

Personally, I don't know any underaged kid that was discouraged from visiting porn sites by a simple disclaimer (I wasn't), but at least...at least we are warning parents that some stuffs we write is not suitable for kids.

And so, I feel my only obligation to the general public is to highlight the fact that my blog is not suitable for kids. I have changed the line at the top of my blog warning stupid people that my blog contains profanities (I say stupid because anybody who reads my blog title and thinks that there are no profanities in here ARE stupid). I am also going to post the following logo everytime I write something that I feel NO KID should read.



Ooops...I think I might have just spoiled the entire moral of the story..


*If anybody wants to put that picture on their blog as a disclaimer, by all means go ahead

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Friday, June 24, 2005

PPS bash conspiracy

Since everybody seems to be talking about the PPS birthday party cum blogger's meet, I figured I should join in and talk about it too. Yeah, I wasn't there.....but that's not going to stop my imagination from running wild right?

Personally, I don't really dig the idea of meeting up with tons of people I don't know. They say you can't teach old dogs new tricks. Well, when I was a little kid, my mum told me not to talk to strangers. I guess since we Malaysians have a tendency to run amok, she did have a point. What if this Project Petaling Street thing is a scam and that Aizuddin bloke was actually some kinda underboss working for Uncle Ho trying to recruit people to sell DVDs in Petaling Street? Or start a Petaling Street underworld gang made out of geeks? Call me paranoid, but after learning of our amok tendencies, I rather play it safe.

That said, there were a few bloggers who I would have loved to heve met - chicks and blokes alike. For instance, I would like to have counted how many times Fuckstress said 'fuck' in an average sentence and explain to Eyeris why Liverpool really really sucks.

But I also have a problem. Considering that I am a genius (everybody knew that already) my brain is extremely powerful to the extent that I have little or sometimes no control over it. Therefore, it sometimes controls my voicebox to emit sounds that shouldn't be emitted.

For example..........



Scenario 1 : When meeting someone whom you already knew what she looked like. (I say 'she' because I don't give a hoot whether a guy is good looking or not)

Stuffs people say : Wow! Your pictures on your blog don't do you justice!

Stuffs I might say :
1) Holy shit! You are damn fucking ugly in real life!
2) I didn't know ugly people could write until I started reading your blog.
3) Yups.....you are as ugly as your blog pics suggest. May I suggest that you use Photoshop?
4) Baby, I've got an F, I've got a C, I've got a K...and now all I need is You. *blatantly plaglarised Minishort's friend's line*



Scenario 2 : When talking to someone whom you never knew existed.

Stuffs people say : Oh, I am afraid I've never read your blog before. I'll go home and start reading it.

Stuffs I might say :
1) Oh...I've not heard of you. Maybe that's because your blog sucks.
2) You're not very well known. Maybe you should consider flashing your nipples on your blog.
3) I'm sorry, I don't intend to go home and read your blog. I have better things to do.



Scenario 3 : When someone whom you knew existed but hate their damn guts comes up and talks to you.

Stuffs people say : *I don't know....what DO you guys say?*

Stuffs I might say :
1) Did you know that everytime I read your blog, I feel like killing myself?
2) I understand that you love blogging, but do everybody a favour and keep your blog to yourself ok?
3) I'm sorry, I don't talk to stupid people.



There were however some stuffs which I thought I could say out loud after some beer:

1) Hey Kenny! My legs are hairier than yours! Wanna compare?
2) Where's Mr. Minishorts?
3) Hey Kimberly....do you remember asking me whether I wanted to make out with you? I checked out the toilet just now..it's quite clean.
4) Hey Huai Bin! I've got this friend of a friend who was wondering where he could get some...er, white powders. For experimental purposes only. Swear.
5) Alright...who here thinks that my blog is uglier thanEyeris?
6) Mr Waiter dude, I know you are actually Viewtru spying on us...admit it!



But of course none of the above things happened at the birthday party. Well, at least that is what people report. They reported an enjoyable environment and everybody went home happy. But you see, behind all the nice pictures, behind all the words of enjoyment, there is actually deception. Deception from evil geek bloggers out to control the Malaysian cyberworld while based in the Internet cafe on top of the Koon Kee wanton mee shop in Petaling Street.



*If anybody got offended, please email me. I have a few friends who just graduated with a degree in psychology. They could do with some useful work experience*

*I dunno about you guys, but there seems to be a huge gap between this last line and the 'comments' and I can't figure out why it's there. Earlier, before refreshing the page, there was a huge gap between the title of the post and the main body. I think those evil geek underworld dudes have started attacking my blog*

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Thursday, June 23, 2005

crazy malaysians

My friend Seta alerted me to this quite some time ago. Go run a search on the Meriam-Webster online dictionary for the word 'amok' and you get...





Ok....before you Malay dudes start getting pissed offed and you Chinese dudes start laughing, here's food for thought. The rest of the world generally do not know the difference between Malaysian Malays and Malaysian Chinese. To most people, if you are a Malaysian, you are called a Malay regardless of race(weird how everybody thinks of us as ONE COMMON race, but we don't).

True enough, I did another search on Dictionary.com and it presented me with the following results sourced from Merriam-Webster:





Awesome........

Did you hear that?? It is in our CULTURE to go around assaulting people! Maybe we should go around assaulting the damn asses responsible for Merriam-Webster, eh? A murderous frenzy that occurs chiefly among Malays(ians)? That's weird because the last time I checked, we didn't have kids shooting at other kids in schools.

Now, I don't usually get pissed offed at such inane comments, and everybody I showed this to thought it was pretty funny. Well, its not. I would like to know....in which fucking culture do people go on a sudden mass assault of other people?

Goddamn stupid yanks...

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Wednesday, June 22, 2005

stupid hero

Few days ago, coming back late at night, I noticed a beautiful half moon hanging quite low in the star filled black sky. Just before entering my house, I noticed that it painted a very picturesque scene as a background to the deserted street. Houses on both sides of the road and street lamps dimly illuminating the parked cars in front of houses painted a good opportunity for night photography.

Now, I know what a good photo should look like. I know how to imagine how a good photo should be taken. Unfortunately, I am a lazy ass and never actually bothered learning HOW to take those damn pictures. So, a good photo opportunity presented itself and I figured that since I had nothing better to do, I should do some experiments with night photography.

Wearing just t-shirt and shorts with a pair of Bata slippers, and armed with my shitty camera, I went out trying to take a damn picture which I knew was never going to succeed. Ok, I figured that it's night and hence not enough light......so I need to play around with shuttle speed (to let more light in). I tried a shit load of different speeds but the pictures still came out shitty on the small little display screen. Then I figured...that's because my hand shakes....that's why those dudes invented something called a tripod!

So, I placed the camera on the roof of a random car and started experimenting with different shuttle speeds and exposure settings (whatever the hell that is). I was clicking away at the camera for like 5 good minutes, when the door to a nearby house opened and a blonde chick dressed in her pyjamas came out and approached me.

"Scuse me, what are you taking pictures of?"

I pointed to the sky..."Nice moon"

She looked up, "Yes, it is" and went back into her house.

Awesome, this chick thinks I am a professional criminal. I didn't give much of a shit and continued snapping those pictures. A couple minutes later I happened to look in the direction of her house and saw that she was peering through the curtains at me. Now, I was getting worried that she might call the cops and that would be damn troublesome. So, I took a couple more shots and went back into my house dragging my Bata slippers with my heavy feet.



Lesson of the day : Some people are so fucking stupid, you wish you could slap them in the face.

That was a damn stupid thing to do coming out to confront me. Noble, but very stupid. See, if she thought I was doing something fishy, that meant that I was a bad assed crook. So what's gonna stop a bad assed crook from robbing her house and raping her?

If you see anything fishy, call the damn cops. No need to be a hero confronting me. If she wanted to confront me, she should have done it with a friend (still not advisable because I can pound anybody - even big macho guys), not coming out to talk to me dressed in her fucking pyjamas! Either that, or she could have stood at the foot of her door and shouted out to me.

There's only so much the police can do to prevent crime. The rest is up to you and your brains.

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Tuesday, June 21, 2005

chicks playing ball

About 2 weeks ago, the Euro 2005 football championship started. Women's football, that is. It was given a full coverage on cable tv, and although I do have access to it, I never did bother watching (I have better things to do...like sleeping).

I did however, make it a point to watch the finals which was on Sunday. In the run up to the finals, there was the usual crap where a bunch of dudes sit in the studio to discuss what they think will happen and try to educate everybody about the star players. There was also a compilation of the 10 best goals of the tournament to date.

Throughout the whole game, the commentators were going on and on about how the finals and the previous semifinal were the best games of the tournament, and a good advertisement for women's football. The pundits in the studio agreed with all that nonsense saying that 'those girls are great ambassadors for football'.

My verdict?

It was shit. Absolutely crap.

If, as according to those pundits this was a good indication of women's football, then I am not impressed. Only a couple of players impressed me. Most of them had awful ball control (the single most important skill a footballer should have). The '10 best goals' compilation did little to impress me either. Spectacular goals usually come from brilliant pieces of individual work like dribbling past a shit load of defenders (but, with bad ball control, that's not possible) or long range shots. We can also rule out powerful long range shots because (understandably) these chicks don't have as much power as their professional male counterparts, inspite of playing with lighter balls.

Also, just because it's a women's football match, why do they need to use women referees? If, the best referees around are men, then why not use some male referees? The refereeing was horrible. She disallowed a prefectly good goal and wrongly dismissed a penalty appeal. Generally, only the best referees handle the finals of such tournaments. So, I am guessing this was one of the better referees around. Quite a travesty, if you ask me.

Let's face it. Nobody wants to watch women's football. The championships were held here in England, a football crazy nation. And yet, media coverage was almost non-existant. The stadium used for the finals was Ewood Park (yes, home to Blackburn Rovers) and in spite of it being the finals, the stadium wasn't even full.

Maybe Messrs. Blatter and Johansson were just being realistic (although typically horny).


*Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA, caused outrage last year when he said that women's football is languishing and maybe the players should wear tighter shorts to attract more viewers.

**Lennart Johansson, president of UEFA suggested a few days ago, in wake of the lack of funds and marketability of women's football, that "companies could make use of a sweaty, lovely looking girl playing on the ground, with rainy wet weather" adding that, "it would sell."

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Sunday, June 19, 2005

childhood love

Alright....how many girls out there know who Kaka is?

Not many, I am guessing. Everybody knows David Beckham....but Kaka is a dude who can actually play football plus looks much better. And he is Brazilian too.

Anyways, in the news the other day...

Brazilian Kaka to tie the knot next year

SAO PAULO: Brazil international midfielder Kaka says he will marry after the 2006 World Cup in Germany.

His wife-to-be is 17-year-old Brazilian student Caroline Celico, who has been Kaka's girlfriend since he was 13 years old.

"I'll get married after the World Cup, hopefully with the title won,'' the AC Milan player told Globo TV during a live interview on Saturday.

Kaka, 23, made the announcement just hours before Brazil's last practice ahead of yesterday's World Cup qualifier against Paraguay in the southern city of Porto Alegre.

Celico will have turned 18 by next year's World Cup. - AP



Some of you, upon reading that, might be wondering.............so what?

Some of you, upon reading that, might be thinking...that's a pretty young girl. 23 years old and 17 years old. Odd couple. Well, not quite. It is apparently quite the norm for Brazilians.

However, only a handful of people like me, did some immediate mental arithmetic and realised that that horny bastard started going out with her when she was SEVEN years old.

Damn peadophile........

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Friday, June 17, 2005

symbiosis

Ok children, here's a science lesson for the lot of you. What is symbiosis? Its a simple concept, really. You have something I want. I have something you want. We help each other and everybody goes home happy. It is an interaction between two creatures which might be of different species and have nothing in common except fulfilling their objectives.

Like, take for example a fat and dirty water buffalo lying in a mud pond somewhere. A bird comes along, lands on his back and starts eating insects and ticks off his back. See how they help each other? The buffalo gets rid of parasites and the bird gets a free meal.

Not impressive enough? "I read blogs for entertainment, Vincent! I don't need you to give me a high school science lesson!" I am getting to my point. Here, let me give you another example...

A crocodile in a murky swarm somewhere lies around lazily by the river bank. His mouth (or snout, or whatever it's called) is wide open and there is a bird that just voluntarily flew into it. He could just snap his mouth close and get a free meal. But he doesn't. The said bird, with obvious balls of steel then proceeds to eat some random bits of remnants stuck in the crocodile's teeth. He gets a free meal, and the crocodile gets a free dental treatment.

Still not impressed with symbiosis?? Ok....here's the best example I can think off.

Somewhere in a huge metropolitan city, there is a Starbucks cafe. A stunningly beautiful young lady is sitting there dressed in the finest Gucci tapping her Jimmy Choo's impatiently on the marble floor. Next to her is her Prada handbag, and in it are keys to a spanking new Mercedes SLK. As she consults her Rolex for the time, an elderly gentleman, elegantly dressed as well, old enough to be her father walks up to her apologising for the delay........and plants a sloppy wet kiss on her lucious red lips. She starts giggling like a little girl paying deep attention while he plays with her hair and whispers silly jokes into her ears.................

See children....in all the examples above, everybody fulfils the objectives that they set out to achieve. Everybody goes home happy. So, if nobody bothers what the birds do with the buffalo and crocodile, how come everybody complains about the last one?



*Oh.....did anybody catch the metaphors in the first two examples? I just realised it myself too...

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in the news..again!

A heads up from Viewtru, I am in the news...again!

It's an article by the New Straits Times about blogging. Read it here.

The important excerpt of that article (with me in it):

But for many, it is the bloggers' originality and linguistic flair that make them go back for more.

One blogger, for example, pens his sarcastic take on the idiosyncrasies of Malaysians with the opening remarks: "There are two things infinite, the universe and human stupidity, although I am not too sure about the former."

Muahahahaha....Hear that? I have originality and a linguistic flair! How awesome does that sound to you?

If only they had posted my blog address and name.....I would be femes.

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Wednesday, June 15, 2005

karma

If blogs are a mirror of life itself, then......

You make the bed, you sleep in it.

If you blog-whore, then you get publicity.....be it good or bad. If there is something I learned in my one year of blogging is that I have NEVER written an article which EVERYBODY fully agreed with. You write something because you want to. You say something because you want to. If you touch on controversy, critisism will come. It is inevitable.

Some things cannot be justified. Some things can never be justified.

I swear I'll slap the next idiot who tells me that nudity is an art. I would like to see you encourage your 10 year old kid to appreciate art then. Posting naked pictures of yourself on your blog is something that cannot be justified. She did it because she wanted to, and fair play to her.

Just don't fucking tell me that it's art.

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Tuesday, June 14, 2005

rapunzel learns about BJs

Have you heard of the story of Rapunzel and her erm...lessons? It was all very good...except for the fact that Rapunzel was a tad too naive in such matters and missed out something important. Mark, being too much of a gentleman, did not wish to enlighten her on the simple matter of pleasing HIM.

But of course, we know that it is a fairytale, and gentlemen don't really exist. As soon as everybody starts stepping aside for reality, Mark gets pissed offed that he doesn't seem to be getting what all men crave - a mind blowing blowjob (all pun intended).

So one day many years after they were happily married, he loses his patience and asks Rapunzel for a blowjob. She didn't know what it was. He told her. Eager to please him....she did it. But Mark had just come home from work after fighting bad guys all day. He didn't have time to take a shower and clean himself.

As you would imagine, it was not a very pleasurable experience for Rapunzel. It tasted like shit, if she ever knew what that tasted like. It was smelly and reminded her of some stinky mouldy cheese spread. And to top it up, she did not derive any physical pleasure out of it. It was no different than sucking on her thumb. But she was confused....he seemed so happy about it. She had never seen him this happy before. Everytime they made love before, he seemed to be hard at work. But now, he looked like kid eating candy.

Puzzled, she consulted her good friend Vincent (who is not in anyway related to the writer of this blog).

Rapunzel : Tell me Vincent, what is it with guys and blowjobs?

Vincent : Aaaah....blowjobs..the best thing ever to happen to a guy.....except for that time when Atari revolutionised video games with the creation of Asteriods.

Rapunzel : So...what is it with blowjobs? What so special about it?

Vincent : Well, its like this..........................



I presume everybody is familiar with the fact that 'men' and 'ego' are synonymous terms? If you did not know that, you won't understand how the rest of the below stuffs relate to anyhting. Now, when you boost a guy's ego, it's as good as giving him an orgasm. That is why I encourage people to send me fan mail. But anyhows, blowjobs feed a guy's ego like no amount of words can. Here's how.

I would firstly presume that everybody has had experiences with blowjobs. Either you have participated in it (giving or receiving) or you have watched enough porn to know the positions of the giver and the receiver. If you do not have any prior with regards to that and do not know of such matters, you could click here to see a very moderate pictorial example of a blowjob.

Ok, sorry for the sidetrack...back to where I was. How does it boost ego? Assuming the usual position of a blowjob like in the picture, the receiver is lying on his back. From there, his view is restricted (unless propping his head up on a lot of pillows) and there is a small matter of optical illusion - the damn thing actually looks like a damn tall coconut tree because it is sticking out on a flat barren surface. That's effectively Ego Booster #1.

Ego Booster #2 comes in the actual 'giving' process. All that effort is focused on to that deity with the giver usually on both knees. If you think about it, in most, if not all religions, people do tend to pray on both knees, with the object of worship facing them. So here is the psychological effect of the guy thinking that he is actually God and that the receiver is worshipping NOT him, but his all powerful little deity standing out elegantly.

Also, as Rapunzel had shrewedly pointed out earlier, there was no physical pleasure felt by the giver. In fact, nobody would ever want to give blowjobs if it weren't for the willingness to make thier partner happy. And blowjobs can't be forced onto an unwilling giver, because teeth are sharp and that would not be a clever thing to do. So essentially, blowjobs are like a birthday present - something given, although it does not benefit the giver. Which brings us to Ego Booster #3 - anybody who receives a birthday present is the centre of attraction.



And with that short lesson, Rapunzel was greatly enlightened as she went home to her Mark....

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Monday, June 13, 2005

my JPA mistake

I was doing some of my usual stuffs the other day, and thinking about stuffs in general when something hit me at the back of my head...it hit me pretty hard. It was about my article about JPA and the top scholars a few days ago........I was wrong. I did not think some stuffs thoroughly enough.

Ok...so its settled now. Due to ridiculous amounts of pressure from the government and the public, those top scorers did finally get what they want. But theres something I didn't think off earlier, and I misplaced a few arguments.

You know how everybody has been calling JPA a racist for not giving those scholarships to Chinese top scorers? I then argued that maybe those guys screwed up their interview or something. Some people did not take my reasoning too kindly though and they really DO believe that JPA are racist because they disallowed some Chinese blokes. Well, given that particular incident, if you disregard my argument about the interview, then that would actually make JPA a bunch of idiots, and not racist as some people argue.

Why?

Let's now imagine the situation here :

100 Malay applicants, ranging from students with 17A's to 6A's.
100 Chinese applicants, ranging from students with 14A's to 7A's.

If JPA were indeed racist, they would have given all the 14A students the scholarship but denying the Chinese dudes with 7A's in favour of the Malay students with 6A's. Either that, or they could have denied all Chinese students a scholarship.

So why did the 'racist' JPA give deny the 14A Chinese guy and give a scholarship to numerous other Chinese students who got fewer A's than him? We can now deduce that in this situation, there are two possibilities. Firstly, the interviews DO MATTER. Or, if you disagree with the point about the interviews, as some people did in the last post, then in that case JPA are just stupid and not racist. This is because they chose to give a Chinese guy with 10A's a scholarship instead of the 14A's guy.

Sure, they maybe be racist in the lower end of the scores (like 7 or 8A's students) and we will never know for sure. But one thing is for sure. In this case, if you want to accuse them of anything, then its stupidity, and not racism. You guys are playing the race card too easily once again. Me, I still prefer my 'interview' theory.

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Friday, June 10, 2005

awesome day

If there ever was a defination of a totally awesome day, yesterday was it. It was a day where nothing could go wrong, and events of the day were memorable beyond all words.

It started off as another ordinary day, where the only thing I had planned to do was to collect my exam results and celebrate after that. My grades were pretty much set by previous consistent (but not spectacular) results even before I sat for the exams, so no surprises were in-store. The only thing that I was interested in was my score for my final year group project which the bunch of us had toiled over for the past 9 months. Still, we figured that we did pretty well and I had predicted the previous night that we would get 71% for it. So, it seemed that nothing surprising could happen...

I went for a compulsory meeting for final year students when one of my group mates told me that we had a photo shoot with the Evening Post newspaper about our project. It seems one of the lecturers were damn impressed with our stuffs so he tipped off the Evening Post. They did a phone interview with one of my group mates and came over later on to do a photo shoot of us with the machine.

Then, over lunch, we received another phone call saying that we had a tv news shoot lined up. They were actually in the university to film a story about another project, when they heard of ours and they requested to film one of ours as well. Unfortunately, it will never be shown here, so I will not have a chance to see it. It's actually a news agency that showcases British science and technology and sells the news to other channels all over the world, like Tech TV for example. So, if you happened to be watching a random channel back home and stumble across a project crushing palm nuts with a weird bicycle contraption attached to it.......I am the bloke riding the bike.

Collecting results weren't that big an occasion....but listening to my supervisor's endless praise of our project, initiative and wonderful teamwork was just awesome...

And I decided to top off a bloody awesome day by going out to celebrate with some of my friends. Originally supposed to do the usual mundane stuffs like drinking and clubbing, we finally decided on paying a visit to a stripclub table dancing club. Honestly, some of them were just hideous, but hey...NOTHING could have dampened my spirit that day. Oh...just to add, I did have a sudden sting in my eyes and they started to tear for a while. No idea why though. To add to the estacy of boobies, it was student night and a lapdance was half price for students.

Totally awesomeeeeeeee.......

UPDATE : You can check out the article here. Unfortunately, there isn't a picture of us with the machine there.

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Thursday, June 09, 2005

JPA's benefit of the doubt

You know that story about those SPM students who didn't get the JPA scholarship? Yeah, you do. Of course you do. How can a kid be a state top scorer....get 13As and still not be given a scholarship? Its a travesty, you scream.

It can't be! Its racist I tell you! We demand that JPA become more transparent in their selection process. We want to know how they choose their scholars! Bastards.....now a bright kid will get sucked up by Singapore and we lose another brilliant mind.

Man, you guys back home scream so loud that even I can hear you from way over here. I mean..a simple matter like a damn song in the cinemas and you guys scream bloody murder. So, for even more sensitive matters like this, the outrage is amplified exponentially.

Do I think it sounds suspicious? Of course.
Is there a possibility of a racial bias here? Anything's possible.
Are JPA a bunch of idiots? Definately.

But the thing with crying foul is that you immediately become biased. You instantly forget everything else, and all reasoning goes down the drain. I've read no less than 3 blogs making references to Sepet :

Orked dapat 5A pun dapat scholarship...

Alhamdulilah..

Jason dapat 7A..

Did anybody realise that intellectually, Orked was more astute? Did nobody realise that she talked freely about loads of general topics, while Jason (he reads poetry, I'll give him that) has blonde hair and talks like an AhBeng?

Some of you do know that I volunteer with my scout troop back home when I am on holidays. I deal with 'model students' all the time. Troopleader. Assistant head prefect. Prefects. Top students. But none of them can hold a proper intellectual conversation...

I have an acquaintance who graduated last year with a first class degree. He's still trying to find a job. He's got a beautiful certificate alright, along with a shit load of academic acheivements. But are employers supposed to bend over just because he got a first class and finished among the top of the class?

So, giving the JPA the benefit of the doubt, I only have one question for all of you who created such a din:

Did any one of you consider the possibility that maybe, just maybe those top scorers might have screwed up their interview?

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Wednesday, June 08, 2005

words of a different kind

I was reading a forwarded email the other day which asked the reader to guess what the most commonly spoken word in the English language is (discounting words like 'I' , 'the', 'is', etc...)

Apparently, the most commonly spoken word is 'Hello'.

That's right. Unless you are a nutter, you usually only speak when you communicate with other people. And usually, the opening line in a sentence is "Hello". Even on the phone, you tend to say "Hello" as the opening line.

However, for me, "Hello" is probably one of the least frequent words I use.

If you hear me saying "hello" to you, that's because I do not know you well enough, and hence I am trying to be very polite. With close friends or people I am more comfortable with, I acknowledge them affectionately with "Eh" or "Oi". And no, I don't find it rude....



On a slightly related issue, I emailed my dad with some details about the holiday that I had planned for my family when they come here for my graduation. I had also asked a few questions, like what kind of restaurant they want to go to on the night of my graduation (for celebration. Because apparently, it is a very big deal.)

Dad replied in his typical style :

DEAR VINCY,

DINNER ON 13/7 - PLEASE GO AHEAD AND BOOK A NICE RESTAURANT FOR ALL OF US
INCLUDING YOUR SPECIAL FRIEND.

THE REST OF THE QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED SEPARATELY.

WITH LOVE AND GOOD LUCK ON 9/6. - LAU.


That's my dad alright. Totally awesome.

He never calls me VINCY. Nobody calls me anything except Vincent. Some of my British friends call me Vinny, but that's because they like to shorten people's names. At home, dad calls me "Oi" or "Eh". Most of the time though, he just says things without even addressing me.

The first line totally cracked me up, even though I am used to it. He doesn't use words like "girlfriend" or "partner" when when he talked to my sister once upon a time. Apparently, "special friend" sounds a lot nicer to his ears...

And then he signs off with LAU, just like he would sign off a work related email...

As you can see, dad is not a person who expresses his emotions is words. I think I am pretty much growing to be just like him which is totally cool.


*Oh, the only type of emotion that I express in words are curses, just like my dad when he was young (mum told me).

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Tuesday, June 07, 2005

breaking news

Its 6am now, and I just got home from my friend's place after 9 straight hours of Pro-Evolution Soccer 4. I swear I have a blister at the tip of my thumb, and my head is spinning a little due to the lack of sleep. Still, I am willing to type through the pain in my fingers, endure my headache and postpone my sleep just to bring you this bit of breaking news...

Out of a girl's mouth :

"Its cool that that guy has 3 girlfriends and is still able to treat them well and keep them happy."

Excuse me......WHAT?

"Yeah, I would prefer a polygamious dude that treats me well rather than a dude who has me as his only girlfriend but treats me like shit."

Wow...REALLY?

"Yups, besides, only extremely smart guys with good planning and time management can pull something like that off....and that would be the kinda guys who would do well in life...and be rich.."

AWESOME........

Lesson of the day : Not all women disapprove of polygamy.


UPDATE: I have disabled the comments for this one, and hidden the existing ones. Come on people, its just one person's opinion and preference. She never asked anybody to follow her preference..I find a distinct similarity with the case of girls who insist of dating guys who they KNOW are assholes, and then crying about it later.

UPDATE (no.2) : Well...the person who said those things thought it was pretty funny that so many girls got pissed offed, and she requested that the comments be turned back on....

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Monday, June 06, 2005

i am holier than thou

Got tagged by Michael Ooi....its called 'The I am Holier than thou Blogger's Baton', which is useful when I have nothing to blog about, like today.

LAST BLOG I READ WAS :
Eyeris


I THINK MY BLOG IS WAY BETTER THAN THAT BLOG ABOVE BECAUSE :
He claims to have the ugliest blog in the world and is proud of it. Absolute rubbish. Everybody knows that mine is the ugliest and that I am even prouder of it.


IMO, THE BEST ENTRY I HAVE EVER BLOGGED IS :
Racial Hoo-Hah. It sums up my character as an extremely peace-loving Malaysian.


FIVE BLOGS THAT MAY BE BETTER THAN MINE :
(I think minishorts worded it superbly here..."may be better" as opposed to "are better"....because every narcisstic blogger thinks that they are king...)

Maddox - He doesn't consider himself a blogger, but he is still God. One of the most powerful individuals on the Internet.

Viewtru - You've gotta respect this dude. Definately the funniest and most creative blogger in the Malaysian blogosphere (that I've heard off anyway). And he doesn't even use profanities! Such holiness....

Michael Ooi - Cause this dude was the reason I decided that blogs weren't stupid things afterall and started blogging.

Minishorts - In the past, I absolutely loved her writting style because I could never write like that. Then I admired her for writting about yeast. Then came the awesome perversion of children's fairy tales. What next from the queen?

Fuckstress - Do you even require an explanation? Have you ever seen anybody else cuss with such poetic beauty?

When I grow up, I wanna be just like those guys..


I KNOW MY READERS ARE ADDICTED TO MY BLOG BECAUSE :
Nobody has ever met such a coherant 20 year old kid. Besides, everybody loves obnoxious people. You either love them or you love to hate them. Either way, there is a lot of love going my way.


I PASS THIS TO :
Lyn
Yuenli
Waterjunk

Because they tagged me the last time around....

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Friday, June 03, 2005

i would sing negaraku

In case you didn't already know, our lovely government is planning to get people to sing Negaraku (Malaysia's national anthem) in the cinemas before the movie starts. This was actually to try to get us Malaysians to love that cool song even more and hopefully instill a sense of patriotism into our idiotic culture of 'government bashing' and the 'never mind about the good stuffs, everything about Malaysia sucks'.

As you would imagine, loads of people have voiced their disgust at that plan. After all, we are Malaysians. Everything our government does is deemed to be unsuitable for us. Complaining is what we do best.

So what's all the fuss that everybody is kicking up all about??

Well, some dudes don't like the fact that patriotic values are FORCED on to them. Apparently, they said that they want to embrace these values themselves, and not for the government to force it upon them. One idiot even went as far as saying that it was a violation of his civil liberties!

Holy shit dudes...Wake the fuck up! Nobody is forcing any patriotic values on to you. They are encouraging people to take up those values and learn to love that song from your heart. Look, there are no violations of civil liberties or anything here ok? If you choose not to stand up and sing, then bloody sit if you wish. Its not as if they are going to put a policeman in every cinema and haul your ass to jail if you don't stand up for that minute or so. But hey.....if everybody around you stands up and you feel embarassed...who's fault is that? And even if you have to stand up...nobody forces you to open your damn mouth to sing it.

And then, some people complained that the Negaraku is a damn boring song...slow and monotonous. Wake up, you idiots!

Are you saying that you would love your country more if their national anthem sounded different? Everybody has different perceptions of music ok? Some people actually like slow songs.....like Joss Stone. Everytime I hear Joss Stone, I want to sleep. But hey, there are shit load of Joss Stone fans around right? Its OUR national song you are talking about for fucks sake. Is it so hard to accept it? Do it have to be fast and loud like Linkin Park? Its just a song...with nationalistic lyrics............yet people still have to complain about it.

Seriously, does it really affect us that much that we have to bitch about it like rabbid hyenas in menstrual pain? Is it too much trouble to get our fat lazy asses off the chair for 2 minutes and sing a song? Does it suck dry our taxpayer's money? Is the plan for the song to be sung in the middle of the movie, hence spoiling our enjoyment of it?

No, no, no and no.

So what are you idiots complaining about?

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good theory

Inverse : Hey dude...check out this blog...*sends link*

Vincent : Haha. What a wanker...she sounds mentally unstable...

Inverse : Yeah...complaining about every damn thing...

Vincent : *reads some stuffs* What the fuck?? She's quite a bitch too...a stupid bitch to be precise...

Inverse : Yeah...stupid, illogical and complaining about how life sucks...in almost every post..

Vincent : Hehe...would most likely win PPS award for 'Blogger Most Likely to Commit Suicide'...

Inverse : Hahah....but I don't get it...she's got quite a huge fan club...look at the number of comments and hits...

Vincent : Ah..there's a theory for that. When some emotionally unstable kid complains about killing themselves, people do tend to console them and try to cheer them up. Its called dependency. Sometimes, listening to people bitch about how their life sucks make you feel a lot better about yourself.

Inverse : Hmmm??

Vincent : You see, when a blogger is stupid and says stupid things, people tend to try to correct them. Like if I say that I know what I am going to do after school, I know what I want to study, people might would look at me in awe.

Inverse : So??

Vincent : When there's this idiot, like that girl in that blog, who complains about not knowing what to do in life, people tend to give out advice. This tells you two things...people like giving out advice because it makes them feel good. Thats cuz you only give advice to people stupider and more ignorant than yourself. You don't really see anybody giving me advice on my blog rite?

Inverse : Fuck you la...

Vincent : Hehehehe...

Inverse : And the second thing??

Vincent : Second thing is...you are wrong about the fan club. That blog has a big fan club because it makes people feel good about themselves, not because that stupid girl writes well.



Someone commented in one of my articles before :

Genius and stupidity are relative. If it was not for the existance of stupid people, smart people like us won't be called smart.

Good point.


*No, I won't post that blog address. Stupidity is not a crime*

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Thursday, June 02, 2005

bimbos in costumes

The finals of the Miss Bimbo Universe competition was held a couple of days ago. Miss Canada won it followed by Miss Puerto Rico and Miss Dominican Republic. But....all that crap is not important for this blog.

Following the well received picture collage in my last post about this competition, I decided to compile pictures of the contestants in their national costumes on that night itself. This was supposed to be a short and simple post.....but I got carried away. Pardon me for the picture overload if you have slow Internet connection.

Judging from the pictures, I figured that there are many themes in which people's national costume can come by. Of course, some countries don't have a set national costume, so they tend to 'borrow' other peoples costumes. Singapore and America are good examples. Other countries had better ideas. They decided that since they did want to 'borrow' other people's design, they should CREATE their own....some to very disastrous results..



The traditionally inspired ones...



1st row : Albania, Egypt, Slovak Republic, Greece
2nd row : Malaysia, Norway, Peru, Czech Republic
Right : Thailand (winner of best traditional costume)

Generally.....these are the 'real' traditional ones - simple, yet elegant.



The really original ones....



L-R : Italy, Croatia, Serbia & Montenegro

These dudes probably did not have 'traditional' costumes...so they wore usual evening gowns (or cheerleader's uniform in the case of the Serbian chick). Pretty damn original I would say. At least they didn't make a fool of themselves...



The elaborate ones...



Left to right :
Canada - "Look..I've got a huge feather duster on my head!"
Chile - This one actually looks nice. Good colour contrast. Check out the slits in the skirt.
Panama - "Uh-oh...I need to pee. Help me take this out please..Hurry!"
Trinidad & Tobago - "I can't find my hands!"

Still.....I think these are alright.



The animal kingdom inspired ones....



Clockwise from top left :

Sri Lanka - A peacock on the head
Mexico - A peacock on the head
Belize - Yet another peacock on the head..also with a tiger, butterflies and worms. Her skirt looks like a jungle.
Bolivia - Lobster legs! She's got lobster legs on her back!

There were a few other contestants with peacock feathers in their heads. I thought these bimbos all wanted world peace? Look at how many peacocks they slaughtered!



The household item inspired ones....



Clockwise from top left :

Turks & Caicos Islands- Her skirt looks like a towel my ex-housemate had. Only difference was my ex-housemate's towel said "Maldives"
Curacao : She's a walking fruit basket! I am actually curious as to whether those fruits are fresh or plastic
South Africa : I swear...my grandmother had a carpet that looked exactly like that



And there's those that are just fucking ridiculous..



Left to right :

Guyana : "Mum! I got the part in the school play...I'm a fucking flower!"
Japan : Ok..I cheated here. This wasn't her national costume, but she wore it for the evening gown contest. I reckon she should have used it as pyjamas for when she gets pregnant.



I now decree that we only need to see these chicks in the swimming costumes. Every other aspect of the competition is irrelevant..

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