Wednesday, August 03, 2005

before you leave

Having been here in the UK for a good 3 years now, I have grown accustommed to a few things and take a lot of things here for granted. There are stuffs I should do but never did. This article is for any of you studying overseas.

Here are some stuffs you could do before you leave the country and go back to Malaysia and will never have the chance to these stuffs again. Its not critical that you do them, but it would make a good story for your grandkids when you are old...

Forget that you are a student and pretend to be a tourist.

On a weekend, go out and do some touristy stuffs. When you run into a copper on the street, stop him and ask to take a picture with him. See if you can borrow his cool hat. Take photos of random inane objects like the train station. If you are the type of person who has done all that, then try going around pretending that you are a Chinaman tourist who doesn't speak a word of English.

I have been to many European countries without being able to speak their local language. Yet, I survived. Somehow, I feel that you will be quite in deep shit if you land in the UK or the USA without knowing a single word of English and with no guide to take you around. So, try that one day. Try going around without speaking a single word of English. Go to a restaurant and order beef....only you can't read English menu. So, try making some 'moo moo' sounds and putting your fingers on your head like horns.

Buy condoms from one of those condom vending machines you find in public toilets.

If you have already done that, my guess is that you bought it when there wasn't anybody around. Well, now buy it when the toilet is full of people. Better yet, pretend that you can't figure out how to use the machine and get someone to help you. Preferably a gay looking metrosexual bloke. Open the pack while acting in a hurry. Throw the box away and run out of the toilet. After that, feel good about yourself that you managed to get some random strangers to smile.

Have a chat with a homeless bloke.

Sure, you could do that in Malaysia.......but here, I find homeless people more amusing. In the UK, your best bet would be to chat with a Big Issue seller. Big Issue is a magazine printed by the government for the homeless people to sell so that they can make money off the commision from sales. Ask him where he lives, and he'll probably tell you something like 'in front of HSBC'. Literally. Have a long hearty 10 minute chat (trust me, they usually don't have anything better to do and would oblige a chat). Before you leave, tell him to keep in touch. Give him your email addresss.

Go to a bar and pick up an angmoh chick.

I find it really weird that there are loads of Asian girls with white boyfriends, but I only know of one Asian bloke with a white chick. Somebody once told me it is because those angmoh cocks are bigger. But I disagree. True that Chinese have generally smaller dicks (I am an anomily) than the rest of the people from other gene pools (except the smaller Japs), but in general its true that angmoh chicks have bigger milk jugs too. So if the first logic holds true, then there should be a lot of guys wanting to hook up with angmoh chicks too. My conclusion......you guys aren't trying hard enough to bone a white chick!

Buy a 'top of the shelf' magazine.

In the olden days, as a kid, porn magazines were like the holy grail. We didn't have the Internet back then you see. These days, people hardly buy porn magazines anymore. I mean....why BUY still photos when you can download movies for free? Still, shops still sell porn magazines. And they usually keep it on the top shelf. Go ahead, just for fun.......go to your nearest newsagent and pick up a copy. Any copy will do. Its just so that in the future when all the porn magazine companies go bust and porn magazines run out of circulation, you can tell your grandchildren that you actuall bought one before.

If you are the stingy type....well, porn magazines aren't cheap. In order to get your money's worth, you might want to slowly browse through those magazines flipping the pages and comparing each one. Just be sure that you are wearing some tight briefs that keep the little soldier from standing at attention.

BK's double bacon cheeseburger and fries

Go to Burger King and order as many double bacon cheeseburgers as you can. They are the BEST burgers in the world, all because of the two slices of bacon in it. You'll never get it in Malaysia for the simple reason that its not halal, so eat as much as you can until can remember the taste. After that, eat as many packets of fries as you can. I don't know what they put in it, but Burger King UK's fries are the best fries in the world. Eat to your heart's content and think about what you are missing everytime you eat those shitty McDonalds fries.


BK's double bacon cheeseburger and fries is like sex in a wrapper.

They sell sex in a wrapper??!! I am going out to buy one now!

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