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Friday, September 30, 2005

karma

I was royally pissed the other day after spending an hour on the phone with my ISP and still not able to sort out a solution to my problem. After having that meaningful conversation with Beethoveen's 5th symphony or something of that sorts playing on their Call-Transfer machine, I went over to the computer lab, powered up MSN and started chatting with a few people.

Karma works in mysterious ways. I was rewarded when some dumbass messaged me on MSN, and I could release some stress. Her karma, however, wasn't quite as good. She chose the wrong person on the wrong day to 'be friends with'.

Vincent : who are u?
Vincent : hello...who are u?
zhanghong : hi
Vincent : 3rd time asking who are u?
zhanghong : zhang hong
Vincent : yes i can tell from ur nick
Vincent : do i know u?
zhanghong : no
Vincent : where did u get my email add from?
zhanghong : from msn
Vincent : oh so u want to be friends issit?
zhanghong : yeah
Vincent : oic.....i m not a hot chick or anything like that u know...

*here, I had the impression that this was a guy, cause I thought the name sounded like a guy*

Vincent : why u wanna be friends with me?
zhanghong : becos i wanna talk
Vincent : ah ok what u want to talk about?
Vincent : i dunno any hot chicks u know
zhanghong : ur rich guy rite
Vincent : thats not a good thing my friend...u shudnt judge ppl whether they are rich or not
zhanghong : rich is good
zhanghong : u have gf?
Vincent : eh u girl or guy one?
zhanghong : girl
Vincent : why ur name sound like guy one?
zhanghong : i dunno
Vincent : so what do u know?

Vincent : how old are u?
Vincent : i dun wanna go to jail
zhanghong : u cant ask girl age
Vincent : of course i can.......if i dont..and i have sex with u...and then later find out that u are 15 years old...then i go to jail...
Vincent : i dun wanna get ass raped in jail
zhanghong : do u have pic? or cam?
Vincent : u tell me how old u are first
zhanghong : 21
Vincent : how do i know u are not lying?
Vincent : how do i know that u are not some lonely 50 year old housewife called lilian or something
Vincent : (oh btw...do u tend to swallow or spit?)

*this is where I raise a flag in triumph because she runs away for a while...I thought I managed to scare her away*

zhanghong : u hav gf?
Vincent : if i say yes are u gonna stop talking to me?
zhanghong : no
Vincent : if i say no are u gonna still talk to me?
zhanghong : sure
Vincent : shit..then i guess i m pretty much screwed
zhanghong : why
Vincent : cuz rite i dont tend to make friends over the internet
zhanghong : why
Vincent : its like opening up the telekom malaysia directory
Vincent : and simply calling a Mr Cheong Kim Boon and asking him...can i be ur friend?
zhanghong : lol
Vincent : yeah u are laughing but thats exactly what u are doing

zhanghong : i want to talk to as many as possible at random ppl becos i just got dump
Vincent : oh so u looking for a rebound bf issit?
zhanghong : to forget him
Vincent : thats not very nice
zhanghong : no..to occupy my mind
zhanghong : just for a chat..nothing abt luv
Vincent : why dont u go watch tv?
zhanghong :no i cant
Vincent : why dont u go surf porn?
Vincent : its a pretty fun thing to do
Vincent : everybody does that when they want to take their mind off something
zhanghong: i like to talk to u becos i want ask u
Vincent : ask what
zhanghong : i forgot becos another girl add me adn ask me alot things
zhanghong : do u know she?

*I happened to be chatting with Tilia and I gave Tilia this girl's contact so that she could go make fun of her as well. Tilia ended up asking her some survey questions*

Vincent : which girl?
Vincent : why are u telling me about other girls?
Vincent : i tot u were free
Vincent : u said u wanted to get over ur bf
Vincent : u said u wanted to add random people and chat so i helped u la
Vincent : were u lying to me?
zhanghong : i need to talk abt things concern my bf becos i cant talk to he
zhanghong : so i have to talk to other ppl to get it out off me
Vincent : so u think its a good idea to find random people online to ask for love advice?
zhanghong : at least i can pass my diff times
Vincent : see i wont know anything about a bf cuz i dont intend on getting one
zhanghong : but ur a guy u should know
zhanghong : i tried to talk to my bf
Vincent : u have problems with ur bf
zhanghong : but he dun give me the answer i wanna hear
Vincent : i DONT HAVE A BOYFRIEND so how the fuck would i know?

zhanghong : i duno but he is in usa
Vincent : so?
Vincent : why are u teling me about ur bf?
Vincent : look i dunno about u laa..but nobody i know gets love advice from random strangers on MSN
Vincent : if u need help go call befrienders or something like that or go to a church and ask the priest for help cuz u sound like the suicidal type
Vincent : either way...i dont really care
Vincent : cuz i got enough of my own problems to worry about other
zhanghong : ur so mean
Vincent : yes i know
Vincent : u're not the first person to tell me that
Vincent : now i bet ur bf is a much nicer person than i am...so why dont u go talk to him and stop bugging my ass?
zhanghong : his comp is busted
Vincent : never heard of telephone ar?
zhanghong : he is in usa now
Vincent : so? i think they got phones in the US
zhanghong : he is student i dunno if he hae money for it
Vincent : THEN U CALL LA

*I couldn't be arsed to tell her about International Call Cards*

Vincent : u met him on internet oso issit?
zhanghong : yeah
Vincent : see thats the problem with meeting people on the internet
Vincent : why dont u go out and meet some real people in real life?
zhanghong : i had fallen for him
Vincent : again....i dont give a shit about u or him
Vincent : for fucks sake
zhanghong: ur mean
Vincent : YES I KNOW
Vincent : now that we already agreed on that...can we also agree that i dont give a flying rat's ass about you or your boyfriend?

*and that is when I felt happy once again, since I had vented all my anger and diverted a heart attack from my chat with the ISP. I blocked her after that*

Moral of the story : Don't EVER message me on IM and tell me that you want to be my friend.

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announcements

Ok, apologies for the absence. My internet has been down since Saturday and I have spent a total of 6 hours on the phone with my ISP culminating with a 2 hour phone call this morning. After some voices were raised on my side, they finally decided to do something about it. I am utterly convinced that TM Net is far more efficient. Long live Bolehland!




I shall be guest blogging at minishorts.net for the next few days. Want a chance to whore your blog on a femes blog?

Head over there and give it a shot!

Blogging will resume as normal here.




Next up on 'The Great Review' - The Tampax Tensile Test. A few random comments suggested that some girls were afraid that the tampon would get stuck up there if the string snapped. So, I am gonna do an experiment to see how much force it would take to snap the string.

It will take a couple of days to work on it...but I am gonna have fun with it anyway.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

goddamn

The next person who complains to me about TM NET's Streamyx sucks will get an earful of my story with NTL. I haven't had internet in my house since Friday, hence the lack of updates. I really hate blogging from computer labs (partly also because I am not a student and I am not supposed to be using the labs) because people keep staring at my maroon screen.

But hey....you'll get a pretty cool surprise within the next couple of days. So, wait for it la.

Monday, September 26, 2005

educational chat

Since I am a very wisdomous person, I tend to spread my knowledge to all boundries of the Earth. Also, since I am a very generous person, I shall share some of that knowledge with you guys from my chat with some people (reconstructed from memory).

Now, because apparently a lot of my friends and my friends' friends read my blog (a lot more than I knew off) I have to protect the innocent name of my friends. So, from now on....the girls will be known as Tweety and the guys shall be known as Slyvester.




Tweety : Eh my back pain la.

Vincent : Oh...when I was in school, my Moral teacher said that people who masturbate a lot get backahes.

Tweety : WTF??

Vincent : Yeah, I figured it has something to do with the posture when you do it. Not good for the back.

Tweety : Fuck...That's for guys la.

Vincent : Depends la. If you use Rampant Rabbit then can be hands free. Otherwise need fingers also. Stretching is definately back for the bad posture.




(on another day...different Tweety)

Tweety : OMG....you know that Slyvester. He's sooo damn nice ok.

Vincent : Now now dear. How many times do you want me to tell you that there is NO SUCH THING as a nice guy?

Tweety : Nola. This one is different. He is really nice. He does a lot of stuffs for me.

Vincent : Oh yeah? Like what?

Tweety : Like that day he *censored because Slyvester reads this blog*

Vincent : OMFG!

Tweety : Yeah. Nice guy rite?

Vincent : Dear, there is a big difference between a nice guy and a spineless, no-balls, spoil-the-market dumbass.

Tweety : Does it even matter if the guy is willing to do all those stuffs?

Vincent : Dear, NO ONE is willing to do all those stuffs. One day, he'll get bored of it.



This community service message was brought to you by Vincent Lau, author of the critically acclaimed B*tchingLOG...not a weBLOG.

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Thursday, September 22, 2005

the great review, part 5

Part 1 - Pilot
Part 2 - The Plot
Part 3 - The Tampax Review
Part 4 - The Kotex Review

The Tampax Absorbency Experiment..



This is the back of the box of Tampax. It has information on the various tampon absorbencies. Looking at it, I started wondering....just how much liquid can the Regular tampon I bought hold? It says 6-9 grammes which would be 6-9 ml of water. Of course, water and blood have different densities. But since I do not have a readily available source of dirty blood (I have healthy bowels) I settled for tap water and decided to test out the absorbency.

Not knowing what to do, I started off by dunking the whole thing into a mug of water just like how you would dunk in a teabag (no, I don't use that mug to drink my Milo).




It expanded a great deal and lost its shape the minute it came into contact with water. Here is comparison of a dry tampon with the one I had fished out of the mug.

The sperm and the stingray..


I know what you're thinking. "Holy shit! I can't imagine that inside me!" Well, don't worry. It's not meant to absorb that much liquid anyway. So, I had to think of something that could measure tiny amounts of water that I would pour onto the tampon.

I finally thought of a medical syringe. If it wasn't already obvious, I am not the kind of person who has a syringe with needles readily available on my bedside table. Off I went to Boots pharmacy to get one. Take note that I have hair that ALWAYS looks like I just woke up, and there were some clear stubbles of facial hair visible when I walked through the pharmacy door.

The bloke at the counter scoffed a loud 'No, we don't!' when I asked him whether they sold any syringes.

'We don't sell medical syringes for injections.'

'Oh nooo...I don't need a needle. Just the syringe would do.'

'Oh. You mean those that you feed babies with?'

Not knowing what the hell that kinda syringe looked like, I just said yes. Turns out, it's a pretty nifty little object.


I fill it up to its capacity - 5ml of water and get the show started.


It was very amusing to watch the tampon morphing into the monster that it became when I dunked it into the mug of water. However, I did not expect the tiny piece of cotton to be so absorbent. I started off by dripping ONE drop of water on the right side of it and it miraculously swelled. You can see the before & after comparison as a result of a single drop of water.



Feeling a tad excited after witnessing its miraculous growth, I continued dripping water on to it, a few drops at a time. After just 0.5 ml of water, there was a very significant change to its shape. There were random bulges in places and it was starting to open up.


That picture doesn't do justice to the actual effect it had. Note that I did not touch the tampon the whole time. I just left it on the table and dripped water onto it. Now, turning it over, it was quite amazing what a few drops of water could do to deform it (which kinda of reminds me of some women who think that a few drops of rain would have the same effect on them).



Slowly opening up, after less than 3ml of water.


Since this experiment was done in the name of science, I also followed the scientific procedures that they teach you in school science labs. I kept a pencil by my side and took notes of the observations. I am also providing ammunition for my stalkers to analyse my handwritting (which I actually think looks pretty damn cool).

The sperm is mutating..


As we can see, class, a tampon is a piece of cotton squashed into the shape of a cylinder. I don't know if you have seen it before, but there are things called 'Magic Travel Shirts' where it is actually a cotton t-shirt vaccumm packed into a packet the size of your handphone. When you dunk it into water, it absorbs water and expands. I think they adapted the working principle from the tampon.


Soiled..


I refilled the syringe and continued squirting water onto the tampon. At around 7 ml, the paper below it started getting damp from being in contact with the water. At 8 ml, it started dripping (although quite minimal) and I stopped.

Throughout the experiment, I tried squeezing the water out as I went along but it did its job and held the water in. I think it breached its absorbtion capacity at around 7-8 ml. After squirting 8 ml of water onto it, I squeezed the water out into an empty cup.



I then pumped the water back into the syringe to see how much water had been lost.


Now, this is where I am supposed to tell you that "In conclusion......" but there really doesn't seem to be a moral to this story. I have shown that the absorbency is as it was stated on the box was sort of accurate. I am actually getting more girls to use tampons so that Tampax can gimme some money.


*I just came back from a fresher's clubbing event and I am a bit high so sorry la for the potong steam ending cause I am in no condition to think*

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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

i'm sorry

I'm sorry, my friend, for that time when Timothy pulled your pony-tail and you got upset, and I couldn't convince you that not all the kids hate you.

I'm sorry, my friend, for that time when you broke your Snoopy water bottle and cried the whole day, and I couldn't convince you that your mum would not scold you for it.

I'm sorry, my friend, for that time when you were beaten up by bullies and didn't want to go to school, and I couldn't get you to see that you were a much bigger person than them.

I'm sorry, my friend, for that time when your sister broke your Optimus Prime robot and you didn't want to talk to her, and I couldn't get you to forgive her.

I'm sorry, my friend, for that time when you got detention and got worried sick, and I couldn't get you to see that your parents won't disown you.

I'm sorry, my friend, for that time when that damn bitch Katherine Lee mocked you in front of everybody just because you asked for her number and you got so embarrased you didn't want to go to school, and I couldn't convince you that no 14 year old girl is worth it.

I'm sorry, my friend, for that time when you had your first fight with your first girlfriend and it was the first time I saw you cry because you were afraid that she would dump you, and I couldn't convince you that fights are normal in relationships.

I'm sorry, my friend, for that time when you fought with your dad because he told you to dump your girlfriend and you wanted to run away from home, and I couldn't convince you that your father wants the best for you.

I'm sorry, my friend, for that time when you failed a paper in college and sat on the college stairs dejectedly with eyes that had no more tears to shed, and I couldn't convince you that it wasn't the end of the world.

I'm sorry, my friend, for that time when you broke up with your boyfriend and cried for days, and I couldn't convince you that you deserved so much better.

I'm sorry, my friend, for that time when your best friend stabbed you once in the back and again in the front and you had no one to turn to, and I couldn't seem to tell you that I would always be there for you.

I'm sorry, my friend, for that time when you were in mourning, and I just couldn't find the words to console you.

I'm sorry, my friends, for I will dry your tears, listen to you pour out your heart's content and be there for you but I sometimes can't seem to find my tongue when it matters most.

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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

the experiment preview

I have just finished the first batch of experiments, complete with pictures and some VERY interesting findings. Because picture posts take an awfully long time to complete, just wait a while and entertain yourself with this preview...


Fancy a cuppa' tea?

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Monday, September 19, 2005

once upon a time

Okla, so I am gonna talk like I am a damn old man la. You know rite...in my days, when we first started blogging, there weren't so many blogs around. I mean, the fad was growing la, but rite, the number of bloggers were about as much as the number of Eskimos around - not many.

Generally hor, when this blogging thing wasn't that big a fad, the only people who did it were people who wanted to. These days, we have all sorts of characters around the 'sphere.

Back then, we blogged because we loved writting and wanted to rant.

Back then, nobody who started blogging because they wanted to be famous.

Back then, if you told people you wanted to be a famous blogger, they will tell you that you would be better off being a famous vegetable seller.

Back then, there were no such things as famous bloggers, only famous blogs.....good blogs.

Back then, nobody wanted to be a JeffOoi (we wanted to be ourselves, as crappy as we were).

Back then, nobody blogged for an audience.

Back then, nobody started blogs to make friends.

Back then, nobody started blogs to make money.

Back then, nobody went around whoring their blogs.

Back then, everybody knew what to say and how to say it.

Back then, nobody knew what a blogwar was.

Back then, nobody started blogs just because all their friends were doing it.

All because back then, everybody who blogged did so from the heart.

Times change.

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Friday, September 16, 2005

five and seven

Today is meme day. Actually, I still have no goddamn blinking idea what the hell a meme is. I am guessing that it is something you keep passing on and on since everybody seems to use that term. I actually got tagged by Kimberlycun and Minishorts in two different tags, but hey, I feel like combining these two memes. That's partly because memes are irritating. They are handy on days like this where I am lazy to blog about anything else, and to be honest, memes don't require much brains.


Five weird habits that I have

Now, weird usually means disgusting or plain whack. Contrary to popular belief, I am quite a normal bloke. And normal people do tend to have eccentricities that everybody else finds....weird.

1) I don't waste chewing gum
Gum is your friend. It helps fight tooth decay. It also keeps an itchy mouth busy. I have a very itchy mouth that would otherwise be spent eating if it weren't for chewing gum. I can safely say that chewing gum is nice and rubbery after chewing it for a damn long time. How long?

More than 6 hours. That is when it reaches its ideal texture. Everybody should aim for that amount of time when chewing gum. Of course, 6 hours is a long time. What happens if I want to eat something in between that? Or catch a nap? No worries. Take out chewing gum. Place on plate. Go about your business. Come back later and enjoy.

2) I tend to leave the bathroom door open
Whether it's to wee wee, to pangsai, or to shower, I like leaving the bathroom door open. It helps that I am alone most of the time, or because I had a bathroom in my room every single year of my life (except one year). And since I have been alone in this house for the last couple of months, I have never shut the bathroom door in that time. Cool habit, right?

3) I don't like mugs
No, not mugs as in people who are mugs. I mean...mugs as in cups. I don't like drinking water out of mugs. I prefer water bottles. Next to my notebook is a bottle of water. Not a mug of filled with water. No, sir. Mugs are only used to drink hot Milo.

4) I walk funny
No, not all the time. Sometimes, I walk funny to avoid imaginary things. Like when I see those white or yellow lines by the side of the road, I NEVER step on them. This was because when I was small, I imagined them to be lasers. Also, when walking on floors with mosaic tiles, I will step akwardly so that I wouldn't step on a particular coloured tile. This is so that the tile doesn't open up and swallow me into the deep chasm somewhere underground.

5) I cut trash before throwing it
I don't like wasting space. I tend to shred papers into half before throwing them into bins. I NEVER squash papers into a ball. When I throw away my Pringles containers, I usually cut them up into smaller pieces before putting them into a plastic bag.

All true stories you know...



Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. Have more money than Uncle Lim
2. Climb Gunung Tahan (couldn't be bothered to climb anything harder than that)
3. Own a Mercedes Mclaren road car
4. Organise an orgy where everybody besides me are horny blonde chicks
5. Get around in a helicopter and taunt all the idiots stuck in the jam
6. Read EVERY single religious scripture there is so I can PWN idiots who shove their religion down everybody's throat.
7. Shoot a gun

Seven things I could do:
1. Be nicer to idiots
2. Accept morons for all their flaws
3. Sleep less
4. Eat more vegetables
5. Tell everybody that Discovery Channel's 'Mythbusters' is an awesome show
6. Be nicer to idiots
7. Accept morons for all their flaws

Seven Celebrity crushes:
1. Anna Kournikova
2. Meg Ryan
3. Olsen Twins (no wise ass comments please)
4. Kate Beckinsale
5. Laetitia Casta
6. Leelee Sobieski
7. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Seven often repeated words:
1. awesome stuffs
2. this
3. a
4. damn
5. fucking
6. stupid
7. question

Seven physical traits I look for in the opposite sex: (quite a stupid question, considering that SEVEN is a lot of body parts involved)
1. Long chin
2. Long curly hair (not the maggie mee type)
3. Long fingers
4. Long legs
5. Long small intestines (so she can eat more)
6. Long nose (not like Pinocchio though)
7. Long Big boobs (doh)


Now, this is where I have to spread the disease that is this meme. From the first section, I was supposed to spread it to five people. From the second section, seven people. And since seven minus five equals two, I only need to pass this to two people.

Clever, hor?

I choose to tag Tilia because she seems very angry recently and Elaine because she's gotta learn that Paris Hilton is a damn nice girl who shouldn't be hated by everybody.

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Thursday, September 15, 2005

the review review

'We were talking about it..."

'And?'

'No shits it doesn't have an information leaflet'

'Why not?'

'Cause it's meant for people who know how to use it already...not idiots like you'

'Firstly, you realise that little kids might not know how to use it, right?'

'I knew how to use it.'

'Secondly, you two do realise that it's a joke, right?'

'Well, it's a lame joke..'



So kids, new lesson today...when you grow up and start telling jokes, there are people who are going to like it, and there are people who aren't. Tough.

Anyway, I was in a pretty good mood this afternoon (I usually tend to be in good moods) and stumbled onto a blog post where a couple of girls were talking about 'the great review'. It gets quite hilarious as they are pretty much clueless about tampons and they start talking about masturbating with it (?!?!).

Besides reaffirming my point about the need for an information leaflet (because not every girl knows how to use it), it also taught me that a lot of girls don't bother with tampons. And I have found out that it's usually the case of either or.

So, for today, let's get the lot of you involved.

You tell me la, you prefer tampons or pads? Oh....and why ar you choose that one?

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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

the great review, part 4

Part 1 - Pilot
Part 2 - The Plot
Part 3 - The Tampax Review

The Kotex Review..


Ok, saying this is a Kotex review is very subjective. Apparently, Kotex manufactures pads, tampons and liners, amongst other things. So in case you didn't know, the picture you see above is a packet of sanitary pads.


Because of reasons to be mentioned later, this post is going to be mostly a guessing game. The information you read might not be entirely correct. Now, apparently, this is a pack of 'night-time' pads. I never knew there was a difference between 'night-time' and 'day-time' pads, but from the above paragraph on the reverse of the pack, I take it that these 'wings' (whatever the hell they are) are only for the 'night-time' pads.



This is the problem. I rip open the packet, and all I see are individually wrapped packets with some sort of floral patterns on them. I empty the whole packet looking for an instruction guide or some sort of brocheure like the Tampax box had, but to no avail. Apparently, there is nothing to guide me if I was a clueless 12 year old girl. Just great......I have to figure everything out for myself now.

I opened the packet to reveal a spongy like pad with more floral designs folded into three. First impression : Why the need for floral patterns? It's like coloured toilet paper. I don't use coloured toilet paper because I don't want any of the colouring to come out and stick to my bunghole. Similarly, if I were a woman I wouldn't want any flower pattern transfer onto the 'sensitive areas'.



Putting size into perspective..

The pad itself is quite long. I guess it stretches all the way from the front to the back. Until I find myself a wife, it will pretty much remain a guess. Flipping it over to the spongy side which I guess does all the soaking, I find an adhesive tape sticking to some flaps.



I tear open the wax paper to reveal a couple of side flaps which fold out. My best guess is that these flaps are the so called 'wings'.



I was actually confused as to what the 'wings' were for. Thanks to some brilliant deduction skills, I finally, after a lot of thinking, figured out how those wings worked. From the above picture, the adhesive on the wings are facing the table. That is where you can fold the wings around the bottom part of the panties and stick it to the outside of the panties. This I reckon, is for the extra strength needed to secure the pad to your panties when you sleep. You know, so it doesn't come loose when you toss and turn in your bed. Could make quite a mess, you know...

On the other side, I also discovered that the floral patterns from earlier are nothing more than a piece of wax paper used to cover the adhesive that runs through the whole pad. This is also to secure the pad to the panties.

Doesn't this remind you of a diaper?

All in all, I was quite dissapointed with this packet of Kotex I bought. I didn't learn as much as I did with the box of Tampax. No information on Toxic Shock Syndrome. No telling me how to use the pad. What if some idiot decides to use the pad the same way she would use a diaper? They do not even tell you how much blood one pad soaks up and I still don't know how often women change their pads (they change tampons every 4-8 hours).

I don't like Kotex.

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Tuesday, September 13, 2005

the review chat

Vincent : i m doing the review thingy again
minishorts : the tampax one ah
minishorts : you stuck it up your anus ah
Vincent : tried.......too big la

Elaine has been added to the conversation

minishorts : lemme tell you something
minishorts : our friend vince
minishorts : tried to stuck the tampon up his ass
minishorts : but it was too big
minishorts : THERE iS NO SUCH THING
Vincent : muahaahaha
minishorts : sometimes your shit
minishorts : is bigger than the tampon
minishorts : CANNOT BE...
minishorts : i think you're just scared that the tampon will suck up your shit
Elaine : ...
Elaine : the tampon is sooo FREAKING small!
minishorts : your shit is BIGGER than the tampon lah


Moral of the story : Don't make tampon jokes when talking to women.


I have been busy (read : lazy), so just wait a little while for the next part of the review, ok? Besides, a lot of people have talked about soaking the thing with water, which was what I was initially going to do. But since you guys mentioned it already, I have to think of something cooler.

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Sunday, September 11, 2005

let me explain...again

*This is a damn long article, but I hope you read it. If lazy, then at least read the last paragraph*

Kenny wrote an article about supposed misunderstood patriotism. From that article :

Someone made an interesting comment on her blog saying Malaysia's biggest flaw is not teaching its citizens to accept it for its flaws.

Now, that 'someone' was me. So my friend, allow me to disagree....



I assure you, mine is not a case of misunderstood patriotism. Perhaps I was rash and wasn't clear in the comment I made. Certainly we should not just accept the flaws. So let me explain...I mostly get angry when people slag off the country, the government, and all those other things for 3 reasons.

Firstly, most people complain aimlessly. That's about as far as it goes. Since when has complaining been able to change anything? F, like many others, complained about the state that Malaysia was in, but chooses not to do anything about it. She, like many others, work overseas and complain that conditions back home are not suitable. So, do these people want the country to clean up its mess before they come home and enjoy the spoils? If you do not strive to make a difference, what good would your complaints be? I always thought that if you weren't happy with something, you should strive to change that situation, not sitting on your butt hoping that someone will change it for you.

We complain about corruption, but most people would not hessitate to bribe the next cop that comes along when we speed on the highway. If you are not one to bribe, fair play to you. But when was the last time you condemned someone who did? If someone mentions over the dinner table that they robbed a house, people would no doubt report that crime to the police. However, if you mention at a party that you bribed a cop on your way there, everybody would sympathise with you. Why? Is it not a crime as well? So why does everybody think it is alright to bribe a cop and yet grumble about corruption?

We complain about uncourteous people, but when was the last time you thanked your bus driver as you were getting off the bus? When was the last time you propped open a door for a stranger walking behind you? Courtesy spreads. If you do that, if enough people do that, slowly but surely, it will catch on.

We complain about dirty toilets, but everytime we see a dirty toilet seat, instead of wiping it clean, we choose to stand on it. The reasoning behind it? Because it's dirty. Does that not form a perfectly round vicious circle?

Next, I am dissapointed with the inability of the detractors to think, to understand the situation that we are in. We have all lived in this country enough to understand how things work. Our complaints are unjustified in many areas, simple because we fail to analyse the situation and understand why things are such. Trust me, if you learn to UNDERSTAND why things work the way they do, it doesn't look so bad after a while.

We cannot, we simply CANNOT compare ourselves with other developed countries. A lot of people say that we have to compare ourselves to other countries better than ourselves so that we can improve. What these people are forgetting is that we do not have the resources nor the mentality that those nations have.

Think about the social implications of a 'weak' economy. There are more poor/jobless people around. Having more poor/jobless people means that there are more people out there desperate for a quick fix, or desperate for more money. Human greed, no? Therefore, this leads to higher crime rates.

You see, we complain about the streets being unsafe compared to Singapore but we fail to understand why. Of course snatch theives are a bane that we can do without. But doesn't every poor country have such a bane? What can we do about it? Richer countries give out dole to the jobless and the homeless with a hope that that money would stop them from mugging someone on the streets. But does our country have such resources?

Of course, most people blame the police for not doing their job. It is easy to shift blame isn't it? Every year or so, we read in the papers that the police are severely understaffed. Apparently, there aren't enough Chinese who join the police force. Nobody wants to join the police force because of the apparent shitty pay. So whose fault is it for the high crime rate?

Then we complain about corruption. Of course corruption is bad. But again, it is the fundamental principle of human fallacy. Greed. How do you stop greed? In which country does greed not affect its people? When you do not pay someone enough, they tend to look for other sources of income. Singapore's government is well known for being a very clean government. But it is also well known that their politicians are among the most well paid in the world. Can we match that? Do we have enough resources to pay our people more?

We scream and shout for meritocracy in our universities but we never once thought of why meritocracy would be unfair. How can you possibly ask that you be judged based on your results when the students started out on an uneven playing field?

Consider a city boy rich who does his studying in front of a computer surfing the Internet for extra information. His parents pay for his tuition classes and when exam comes, his maid will surely boil some herbal soup so he can study longer hours. He's a hardworking little kid mind you, but compare him to an equally hardworking kid who does odd jobs to make some extra money for his family, and spends his nights helping his mother make kuihs which she will sell by the roadside the next day. The city kid gets 9As for SPM and the kampung boy gets only 8As. You tell me.....who should the government help to get to university? The current system might not work ideally, but neither does meritocracy system that you all crave for so much.

Then finally, those people defend themselves by saying that complaining about the government doesn't equate to not loving the country (which is weird because the government was voted into power by YOU). Supposedly, complaining helps us improve ourselves. Supposedly, we have to air out our bad points in the open to help our country grow.

But I ask you.....how does complaining help? We don't need to make a list of our faults. Surely EVERY Malaysian knows whats wrong with the country. Any idiot who has lived here long enough can list a list of flaws. The dirty toilets, the scum taxi drivers, the high crime rate...everybody knows about it. So why the need to continue saying it and state the obvious? Why the need to preach to the choir and pick a fight with the country that you love so much? If there is a flaw, you either fix it or you live with it. Complaining takes you no where.

People seem to say that they criticise the country because they love it. Funny, because I never knew that loving something means you should list down their flaws on a public domain for everybody to pick at and criticise it openly with you. So if that logic is true, and since I love my parents very much, I should now go and list out all their flaws and publish it on my blog tomorrow. And since I know that all of you love your parents and your spouses very much, I recommend that you all follow suit.

In short, if there is something wrong with the system anywhere :

1) Ask yourself if you are doing anything to change it.
2) Ask yourself WHY the problems are so. Try to understand the situation.


Oh, and don't slap your wife in public and claim that you still love her very much....

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Thursday, September 08, 2005

the great review, part 3

Part 1
Part 2

The Tampax Review...


Front
It actually looks like a bar of soap to me. There is a picture of a handbag there with words that say 'Handbag-Resistant Wrapper'. Now, I've heard of water resistant and shock resistant stuffs, but I have no idea what 'handbag resistant' means. I never knew of the corrosive properties of a female handbag (probably because I never cared to look).



Expiry date??
Lesson of the day (won't be the first, though) : Tampons have expiry dates. I am sorry, I have spent the last few days trying to figure out why, but to no avail. Maybe you could tell me why a piece of cotton expires...

It opens up revealing smaller packets containing our desired material. The arrangement reminds me of a pack of ciggarettes.

Anyone care for a fag?



Stuffed in between a couple of packets, I fish out a folded (and very crumpled) information leaflet. This has surely got to rank as one of the most educational piece of literature that I have read in recent times. It has the basic product specifications as well as a 'parts list' in case some little 12 year old girl gets confused. It also contains a pictorial step-by-step guide on how to use it (because this is a review for guys, and seeing as to we don't have the necessary organs for the process, I shall skip that part). It also has an FAQ section (Do I have to remove my tampon when I go to the loo? No, tampons are worn in the vagina, which is seperate from the urinary opening and the anal opening) and information on Toxic Shock Syndrome which doesn't really interest me for obvious reasons...

Nice diagrams



Now, this is the part where I tell everybody how confused I actually was. I thought tampons were small little objects about an inch long or so. But here was this....thing..staring back at me with all of its 13 centimeters.



I tear open the packet...


What's going on here?!!?!? I thought a tampon was a stick of cotton of sorts? And here was a piece of waxed paper cardboard tube with a string sticking out at the end. I cannot begin to explain my bewilderment.

Soon, I fiddle around with it, and it turns out that the smaller left tube fits into the larger right tube and you can seperate them (although you're not actually meant to do that).


There is a small opening at the rounded end. I put the left tube back and push it through, just like you would push those old manual balloon pumps. The left tube then forces the tampon (which is nicely tucked in the right tube) through the small opening at the end.

Looks more like a stick of dynamite now actually


A close up view of the end as the tampon comes through:

I could think of a million jokes about this....but decided to give you that honour


And that was when I figured out the difference between the applicator and non-applicator types. I think, and I emphasise that 'THINK' part when I say that the white tubes you saw just now are the 'applicators'. That is actually quite handy, I would imagine, as opposed to the non-applicator types where you have to stick your finger in. But anyway, after all that is done, we are left with the final product, the elusive tampon.

Reminds you of anything?

It looks like a sperm. Ironic, if you consider the purpose of a tampon in the first place.


Up next : The Tampax Experiment & Kotek Pad Review (depending on my mood)



On this topic...before I forget :

Why is an arrogant woman like a tampon?
They're both stuck up cunts.

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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

the great review, part 2

Part 1

A view of my shopping cart yesterday :


Go on, squint your eyes..




The story behind it all...

A few weeks ago I went grocery shopping with Kay and Morpheus. It was a major stockup and we spent a total of 100 pounds. Back at Kay's place where we were busy sorting out the stuffs and hanging out, I fished out a couple of packets of "women's products" from one of the plastic bags.

Like Curious George, I picked up the packets and started reading the product description on the box. Being typically Vincent, I had loads of questions but nobody to humour me with the answers. Morpheus tried to guess a few answers, but he's a guy, and what the hell would we know? As for Kay, she ignored every single question I had.

When I asked for a sample to appease my curiosity, she said that she would give me one on the condition that I stuck it up my nether regions. Of course, that was never going to happen, and I went home curious as ever. You see, I am a scientist, and it bugs me to heaven's end when I can't get answers I crave for.

Then, I got the fantastic idea to actually go out and purchase some of those stuffs and conduct my own experiments in the name of science. So, over the next few parts, I will disect these said items and (attempt to) understand how they are used and spread the knowledge to all the other guys who are just as clueless.



Buying the damn thing...


A wide range of products


For starters, I didn't know what I was looking for. Tampons, I knew. Pads, I knew. But I had no idea what they looked like, and I picked the wrong time to visit the supermarket. It was lunch time and a lot of office workers had packed into the place. There were loads of people waltzing up and down that aisle and I had no reason to be there.

But of course, when you don't know what you are looking for, you either look harder or ask. I sucked in my guts and went up to the lovely lady standing there. I spewed out my well-rehearsed excuse. That's also because she looked quite hot and because I wanted to capture people's reaction on photo for this article.

"Excuse me," I say, in my most professional voice. "I run this comedy website, and I am working on an article."

"Uh-huh"

"Yeah, and for this, I am going to do a product review on tampons and sanitary pads.........from a guy's point of view."

She looked at me, laughed in my face, and walked away.

Nice try, Vincent. I guess I'll have to make do without the photo then.

After figuring that the pads would probably be in bulky bags, I survey that section :

Spoilt for choice..


Being clueless, I decide to get a pack of those black Kotex packs because they looked nice and because I hear Kotex is famous. It turned out to be a mistake (I will tell you why in the actual review). I didn't choose the other brand because the picture of the woman sitting cross legged kinda disturbed me. Pink and orange packets were also a turn off. Besides, I still think Kotex is a damn cool name (reminds me of Kotek - something that I am quite very familiar with).

On to the tampons then....

Someone's into monopolising the market, eh?


The only other brand on the shelf was the Sainsbury's brand, which to be honest doesn't quite look like something I want to be putting inside me (if I were a woman). Here, the dilemma wasn't about the brand. There were damn many types - mini, regular, super, and super plus. There was also a multipack option, but since I didn't see myself menstruating anytime soon, I opted for the smallest "regular" type pack.

I contemplated on the Tampax Compak pack because the name sounded funky. However, I wasn't in the mood to fork out more money for something I was clueless about. There were also the 'applicator' and 'non-applicator' types, but I was in a kiasu mood, so I wanted applicator one even though I didn't know what it was.



After I left the checkout counter, I swear I heard that punk kid laughing behind my back with the old lady. Ah well, it's not the first time I embarassed myself and certainly won't be the last. The things I do to satisfy my curiousity.....


Up next : The Tampax review & a damn whacky experiment...

(this is gonna be a many many part series, so it will be interupted off and on as I lump it together with my normal blogging articles)

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Monday, September 05, 2005

the great review, part 1

I pick up some groceries and junk food from Sainsburys, a local supermarket. I walk past an aisle, survey a few items, much to my confusion. I finally pick a couple of items and wheeled my trolley to the checkout counter.

The cashier, a young chap no older than myself looks at the items I layed out in front of him. He looks at the last two and lets loose a snigger. I calmly recite my well-rehearsed explaination. I have to...I intended to take a picture of him scanning the items. He bursts out laughing. The old lady behind me overhears my explaination and starts giggling as well.

"Good luck luv," she laughs.



Ok, you tell me la.....what could I have bought that made the guy laugh like that?

Feel free to flood my comments section with your guesses...

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for the last time

I know that most of you don't give a shit. I know most of you don't have the slightest clue what is going on. I know that those who actually give a shit are actually bored sick of this. To be honest, so am I. But bear with me as I rant about this stupid stupid issue for the last time. I promise that tomorrow you get to read something ridiculously funny (probably one of the funniest things ever to be published on this awesome blog).



After we alighted we still didn't know where the damned street is, so we asked people. This Malay fucker just stared at me (in a rude manner) when I asked him politely! GOT SUCH PEOPLE OR NOT YOU TELL ME! If I got a pig with me I surely hit him with the pig.

~~~

V said that the Arabs were having some sort of holiday, and so KL was FILLED TO THE BRIM with them! Very funny. They are not hot meh? Even when eating they have to not let down the black mask.I was very amused by the Arabs smoking shisha. And oh oh! How they do swimming?



And you still wonder why people are pissed? It's not about what you say - it's how you say it. If you still don't think there is anything wrong with the above paragraphs (and the countless others written), then there is not much sense anybody can drill into you.

All we can hope is that one day, when you finally grow up, you would be blessed with the ability to respect other people, their way of life, and their religion.

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Saturday, September 03, 2005

we need to grow up

If you care to venture far and dig up my archives, I didn't give much of a shit about anything when I started blogging. I cursed freely and insulted everybody. Granted, not much has changed, but the 'fucks' have decreased in number and my critisisms have become more refined.

There was a time when I used to think that this was my blog and I could do as I pleased. While that is still partly true, I have come to realise that we bloggers have a huge responsibility. Freedom of speech does not equate to being able to say anything according to your whimps and fancies. If having the right of freedom of speech means that you are allowed to insult anybody you wish, then it is a right that nobody should have.

That said, if you really feel that you have to write something controversial, then expect flack. You will get critisisms no matter what you write. If you defend everything in terms of "it's my blog, I write as I please" they why would you have any quelms about people using their own blogs to critisize you? Surely then, it is their own blog, and surely then they can critisize you as they please? Were you not the recipient of the bitter, bitter taste of your own medicine?

This is where your 'skill' as a blogger and a writter comes into play. Anybody can own a blog. Anybody can write but not everybody can write something that people do not want to hear, and yet get those same people to like it. It is not about what Pinky said, it is how she said it that made everybody react the way they did.

Nobody is asking that you compromise your believes. Sure, you are welcome to ridicule things that annoy you, but if you do it without class and without tact, you are stooping to that same low level that you were trying to ridicule. Critisism can be warranted, but when done without respect, nobody takes you seriously.

"Hey John! You're my friend rite?" "That mean guy called me a whore! Help me bomb his house....you have to....You're my friend!" No. Surely mature adults don't act like that? This isn't high school you know.

It took me a damn long time to realise all those stuffs. Pinky's still a kid who needs more time to realise that. So do all the other kids out there. We all grow up at our own pace, no?

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Friday, September 02, 2005

1 + 1

You can tell a lot about a person just by the way he answers a simple question. Humour me then...what's 1 plus 1?


1 + 1 = 2
Unless he is a 3 year old kid, everybody know what 1+1 is. Therefore, a person asking that question is obviously taking the piss. Only a boring person with no personality would answer 2.

1 + 1 = 3
If there is an answer worse than 2, it surely has to be 3. It is such a common tongue-in-the-cheek answer that it has almost become a cliche. What's 1 plus 1? Three. Bleah. That answer makes you more than boring. It makes you a copy cat. If you wanna be sarcastic, do it properly.

1 + 1 = 11
Some smart ass one day decided to take away the plus sign from the equation, thus leaving the double 1s. And because of that, he decided that that 1 plus 1 equals 11. Another cliche, another boring answer, even though it deserves a more honourable mention compared to 3.

1 + 1 = 5
Elaine, in an apparent test to see if I was drunk asked me what 1 plus 1 was. Without hessitation, I told her it was 5. If you answered 5, good for you. You are as cool as I am (which is pretty damn cool).

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Thursday, September 01, 2005

kempen belog bm sudahlah berakhir




I have NO IDEA how long it took Eyeris to compile his list, but I sure as hell thank him for it. After a week or so of our pointless campaign, the support was nothing short of 'cool'. I never ever thought that so many people were actually willing to use my banner. I think, in the end, we all had fun writting in a language which most people admitted they hadn't used since SPM.

And so, here is a painstakingly long list of people who did actually blog in BM for Merdeka. If I missed you out, or know if I missed anybody out, please do let me know and I shall add to the already long list. I have wrecked my eyes long enough compiling the list and I am lazy to double check the list, so please do let me know I made a mistake anywhere or if there are any deadlinks.

So far, the awesome total stands at SEVENTY TWO people :


  1. =] (=] and the world =] with U) - Pertama Kali berbelog dalam BM
  2. Aerogal (Life Goes On..) - Selamat Hari Kebangsaan yang ke-48
  3. Agjunkie (Pashminas & Perfume) - Coretan minda yang kekok
  4. Aria (Savage Quill) - Kibarkan di hati, bukan di kenderaan
  5. Balajoe ( BJ Thoughts) - Merdeka suatu ketika dahulu
  6. BawangMerah (Darker Side of Saturn) - Tanah Tumpah Darahku
  7. Beer Brat (The Problem with Hindsight) - 31 Ogos 48 tahun yang lalu
  8. Blogreader (The Face of a Stranger) - Addendum
  9. Bob (Bob Jots) - Negaraku & Jiwa Merdeka
  10. Chris (Beh Song) - Merdeka!
  11. Cmos (Blur Sotong) - Freaking moron...part 2, belog version
  12. Coolcat (Coolcat's Jottings) - Merdeka
  13. Cyber-Red (Fading Sanity) - Berlog dalam Bahasa Melayu
  14. Cynical-Idealist ( Cynical Idealistic Eyes) - Belog Bahasa Melayu Pertama
  15. David Teoh (The Katana) - Berbelog dalam BM
  16. Dila (Dil's Stop..Do I look Like I care?) - Tanggal 31, Bulan 8, 57
  17. Doreen (Musings of a Lady) - Selamat Hari Merdeka
  18. Dracolshian (A Lil' Further...) - Apakah Erti Kemerdekaan?
  19. Dr. Liew (Hurricane) - Merdeka Pos
  20. Elaine (Ramblings) - Bahawanya Kita Patriotik
  21. Emptybox (Brown Paper Packages) - Selamat Hari Merdeka!
  22. Erna (Wondering as I Wander) - Daif
  23. Eyeris (Eye on Everything) - Apa Pasal Gua Manyak Suka Malaysia
  24. FashionAsia (Fashionasia) - Special Edition Merdeka Post (Bercoli-Joli)
  25. Fuckstress (Have a nice, steamy cup of ShutTheFuckUp) - Happy Merdeka!
  26. IreneQ (IreneQ: Unraveled) - Sambutan Hari Merdeka Bersama Penguasa Cincin
  27. Jane Sunshine (The Splenderful Chronicals) - My Language is Mine
  28. Jess (She's Jess) - Erti Semangat Patriotisme
  29. Kak Teh (Choc-a-Blog) - Bahasa Jiwa Bangsa
  30. Kampung Gal (Kampung Gal in the City) - Pengakuan Seorang Penyambung Warisan
  31. Kancil Killer (Kisah Kancil Killer) - Belog BM : Sebelum dan Sekarang
  32. Kekure (Be Bored Stiff) - Wanita yang Merdeka
  33. Kervin (Thousand Words...) - Tanggal 31, Bulan 8, 57
  34. Kimberlycun (Narcissism is Necessary) - Baik Lewat Dari Tidak
  35. Kim Yen (Etched in Binary) - Karya Lawak
  36. Kuih Pop (Staging a Traffic Jam) - Menyesakkan Jalan Raya Je
  37. Lainie (Lainie : Always in trouble, somehow) - Ogos 31 - Merdeka!
  38. Lilian (5xMom) - Sperma Merdeka
  39. Lionel (LIONELblogs) - Getting on the Blog in Malay Bandwagon
  40. Lishun (lishun) - dah karat la ni..
  41. Lucia (Mental Jog) - Makan Memegang Poyong Pada Hari Merdeka
  42. Lydia Teh (Life's Like That) - Merdeka Belog
  43. Lyn (The Passion According to Senorita Lyn) - Selamat Hari Merdeka
  44. Maggie (What the F*Ck?) - Bukan Cinta Yang Biasa
  45. Manusia Gelabah (Manusia Gelabah!) - Selamat Bercuti
  46. Marita Paige (A Leaf off the Page of Marita's Life) Hari Kebangsaan
  47. Maya (MayaKirana) Selamat Hari Merdeka
  48. Minishorts (minishorts.net :: rejuvenated) Harapanku untuk Negaraku
  49. Mira (Life Lessons 101 : How To Be Me) Warning! Atrocious use of Malay Language Ahead
  50. Monki (Hey Boo!) Aku Warga Malaysia
  51. Mudslinger (Mudslinging ) - Merdeka-kah?
  52. Nazrah (Everyday Is A New Day) - Menjelang 31 Ogos
  53. Nicktay (The Reflector) - Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!
  54. Nigel (Dysgeusia) - Bukan Mudah untuk Berbelog
  55. Peter Tan (The Digital Awakening) - Kemerdekaan Untuk Siapa?
  56. Plink (Nah!See?cism) - Bangsa Jiwa Bahasa
  57. Priya (A Moxilicious Moment) - Saya Boleh! Mungkin Saya Boleh!
  58. Rajan (Rajan Rishyakaran) Menyambut Hari Kemerdekaan
  59. Retardedly Cute (Retardedly Cute) Usaha untuk membebaskan sebuah negara...
  60. S-Kay (Going Wild and Glowing Charm) - Hari Kemerdekaan Bahagian 1 dan Bahagian 2
  61. Sashi (Sashiweb) - Percubaan Membelog dalam BM
  62. Sharon Bakar (Bibliobibuli) - Mat Salleh Boleh!
  63. Simon (Simon Talks) - Simon terikut-ikut
  64. Star Crossed Angel (Starcrossed Angel) - Belog Saya Dalam BM
  65. Suanie (As Suanie Sees It) - Siapa Lebih Miang?
  66. Sweelin (Myopia) - Hepi Indeependens Dei
  67. Tan Yee Wei (Snippets of this and that) - BM saya menyedut
  68. Vincent (B*tchingLOG...not a weBLOG) - Apa Erti Merdeka?
  69. Visithra (There's no blog) - Merdeka - Ibuku Melaung
  70. Waterjunk (absoluteJUNK) - Berbelog dalam BM!
  71. Wingz (Rojaks Daily) - Marilah Ber-bolok dalam BM!
  72. Yvy (All About her?) - Memori yang tidak dapat kulupakan
  73. Zyrin (Conversations in my head) - Lawak Giler

Thanks for your support everybody!

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