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Friday, October 28, 2005

sad

Sometime after September 11, those blokes at the CIA realised that suicide bombers are a bit looney and they decided to do some criminal profiling to see what kind of people would most likely be a suicide bomber. After spending millions of dollars and in collaboration with other intelligence agencies like the Mossad and MI6, they realised that there isn't a fixed profile. The suicide bomber and be any average Joe.

One of the London bombers was a teacher - a model citizen. Those guys sure are hard to pick out. But I tell you what is easy to pick out. The extremists. The nutters. The sick in the head cuntfaces who hate everybody.

People like this and this. The same people who can come up with shit like this and this.

So much for our 'tolerant-respect-other-people's-culture' society right? Bangsa Malaysia? With these kind of people around, I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon.

If you think about it, its quite weird how people just lie in wait to pounce on Xiaxue, even though she had long established that her brains were the size of bacteria stuck on the pebble in my shoe. She's a stupid kid who has no malicious intent and obviously doesn't know what she's talking about. Compare her with these two extremists who quite clearly know what they are doing and make no apologies for spurting their hate on the rest of us....

I just wonder where our priorities lay sometimes...

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Thursday, October 27, 2005

touchdown

The eagle has landed.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

all packed

I will be leaving this country tomorrow. Don't really know when I'll be back. Maybe one day as a tourist, or one day as an expat. Only time will tell. I have been busy packing up my stuffs to ship back to Malaysia for the past 3 days.

I have packed all my lecture notes, including the notes from my first ever lecture.

I have packed away a lot of junk, including the ticket stub from my first movie in this country.

I have packed away all my clothings, including a few winter jackets which I will probably not need for a long time.

I have packed away all my souvenirs, including hotel bills from all the countries I have visited.

I have packed away all my memorabilia, including tickets from my first gig, my first play and my first ballet.

I have packed away all my presents, including a Homer Simpson mug from my housemate.

I have packed away everything except my awesome friends, but somehow I don't think they will fit in any box no matter how big it is...

I think I am ready to go.

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Monday, October 24, 2005

foot in mouth

You should read Kenny's story of getting a foot in his mouth. I was very amused by it because I would have reacted very differently. Kenny's of course a nice bloke, and I am, well, Vincent. I can so imagine myself going on and on bitching about that woman. That bimbo.

Oh wait.

I did that already. Twice in fact. Heck, I still get hits from google searches for Andrea Fonseka. You can read this and more importantly, this and judge for yourself whether her detractors are right or not. Please do mind the foul language. I used to be a very foul mouthed kid.

This reminds me of a friend who was the sister of a VERY famous (not anymore though) artiste. Everywhere she went, she went around asking everybody what they thought of her brother. Most people never knew they were siblings, so the answers were always frank and brutally honest. When the praises flew in, she beamed with pride. When she got negative remarks, she would get pissed and launch a screaming tirade.

Everytime that happened, I would grin to myself. If you try to bait people, you are just asking for it when critisism comes along the way it does. Padan muka, I would say. However, most of the blokes she screamed at would suffer an uncomfortable 'foot in the mouth' syndrome when she told them that she was his sister. I would actually feel bad for them that they voiced their opinions and got assaulted for it.

Back to Kenny's story, there was a few sentences which really cracked me up..

The other contestants in the competition can't even string a proper sentence in English! By winning Miss Malaysia, Andrea is the ambassador for Malaysia. And you gotta have someone smart for that position.
Considering the fact that she was representing a country whose national language is MALAY and not English, shouldn't our dear ambassador be able to string a proper fluent sentence in Malay? It was disgracefully embarassing that she couldn't as she showed in her video interview on the Miss Universe website.

This is for the people who were too lazy to click on the link to the article I wrote. When asked to say something in our national language, this is what our dear ambassador had to say, quoted word for word :

Apa khabar semua di Malaysia yang tonton ini. Terima kasih kerana..err..uhm...click sama saya di atas site ini dan kepada semua yang tidak dari Malaysia, cubala datang ke Malaysia dan anda akan experience, you know, sesuatu yang amat istimewa.
Yeah, well done lass. Well done.

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Thursday, October 20, 2005

lessons learnt

It's been a pretty awesome last few days and there are lessons to be learnt all around.

Case study : Pinky does it again

The story : Pinky the poodle displays her ignorance once again and ends up with a foot in her mouth.

My take : People get way pissed offed, just like before. And just like before, they took it too far. Arguments happen. It is inevitable. People disagree with one another. Some people get offended. But when you do a tactless bashing of somebody (irrelevant whether it is your blog or theirs), you are no better. It's like a pot calling the kettle black. Calling pinky a bitch just because she is ignorant doesn't make you any better than she is.

Lessons learnt :
1) Because I am sort of a demi God, I shall point you in the direction of my divine teachings. This is how you critisize people with class and tact.
2) Anybody can write a blog, but not everybody can write a blog with CLASS.



Case study : Campus 14

The story : Wikipedia has a specific entry dedicated to an event in my university called Campus 14. It basically involves drinking 14 pints of beer or 28 shots of spirit.

My take : I can drink, but I am not crazy. 28 shots of spirit would make you end up in hospital. Possibly the morgue. I ended up drinking 17 shots in a space of 3.5 hours. I have never puked over a drink before. NEVER EVER. Never gotten drunk before.

Lessons learnt : This was a cool experience.

1) Puking does make you feel SOOO much better. I didn't spend my time hugging the toilet bowl as I have seen pics of people doing that. I barfed for less than a minute and was sober enough to clean up after that.
2) If there's puke on the carpet, it would be best to wipe the fluids up with a LOT of toilet paper and then later vacumm up the dried up bits of your barfed up food. Later, you could neutralise the smell with your Hugo Boss perfume. Trust me, it works.



Case study : The Manyoo trip

The story : After doing the Campus 14 thingy on Monday, I caught an early morning train to Manchester to watch Tuesday's game against Lille only to return early this morning. Manyoo drew 0-0 against the French minnows.

My take : Taking early morning trains are not much fun. No, wait. Morning trains are ok. Waking up early to take them is not. On the bright side, I did manage to be early enough to grab McDonald's breakfast. As for football....the only other time I watched Manyoo play in Old Trafford, we lost 1-0 to Milan last season.

Lessons learnt :
1) Double sausage egg McMuffin is probably the best breakfast meal you can have in this country.
2) Two games in Old Trafford and I didn't get to experience a Manc goal celebration. I should probably never go to Old Trafford to watch another game.
3) If I do go, I should probably bet on the game before that.

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Monday, October 17, 2005

in case you haven't noticed

Posts in this blog have been few and far between. I will update when I can, and more importantly, when I have something good to write about. The last few posts have been mediocre by MY standards. I have updated the sidebar to include some more of my favourite (and hence best) posts under the 'previously on..' section.

I have been having a writer's block for a while now, partly because it's hard to get inspiration to write a blog when I spend most of my time at home doing practically nothing interesting. In case you were wondering...inspiration to a writer is very important. A writer without inspiration is like Pamela Anderson without silicone.

Writer's block stinks. It's probably the worse kinda block you want to be on (except maybe a chopping block). I guest blogged at minishorts.net today and took more than an hour to write a short article. Brain's clearly not working too well these days.

If you think I have lost the plot, I shall remind you of a football saying

"Form is temporary, class is permanent"

Although, looking at Liverpool, I am beginning to doubt the validity of that statement.

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Saturday, October 15, 2005

chef wan

Feeling a little ambitious last night, I decided cooking something new. An experiment of sorts, if you may. I decided to make my own pasta sauce and see what would happen.

(actually..I HAD to make it from scratch because I only discovered that I had ran out of pasta sauce only after I had boiled the pasta)

So, opening my fridge, and using my awesome culinary knowledge, I began making a pasta sauce in my head. I rummaged through my fridge and a few minutes later, I had lined up in a nice long row, a collection of my finest secret ingredients (of which I shall only reveal two of them).

There shall be no pictures of this supposed food entry, because unlike some food bloggers who seem to think that their cooking looks great (when it doesn't), I do know that unless you make an effort to decorate your food like in restaurants, they NEVER look appetising. And quite frankly, I wasn't about to decorate food which I cook for myself and would likely only be seen by my own two eyes.

But I am digressing...

The point is, I like to experiment with my food. I usually cook for myself, and I love creating stuffs on my own. I have NEVER had a look at a recipe book. You learn how to cook from trial and error. Recipe books only teach you one specific recipe, but they never teach you the principles of cooking.

Alright, so I made a blunder last night. I bet Anthony Bourdain made mistakes too. Well, maybe not stupid mistakes. You see, I had marinated my chicken with about half a lemon and sugar. And then I used milk as the base for my pasta sauce. And....if you don't know what happened, here's something recipe books don't teach you.

NEVER mix citrus with milk. Acid coagulates milk. And I was left with a very very lumpy sauce base with white bits floating around. Just then, my housemate walked into the kitchen, took one look at it and screamed at me to throw it away.

"Throw it away? Are you nuts? I ain't throwing all this food away!"

"It's disgusting man. Throw it away and cook something else la."

(This is a guy who throws away both ends of a bread loaf and never eats pizza crusts...Go figures.)

"No fucking way dude. It's still edible and I am NOT throwing it away. I'll fix it...you'll see."

And fix it I did. After adding some extra ingredients, I managed to conjure up something reasonably tasty. It was far from a culinary masterpiece, but it was up to standard. I should know........I ate it all. (It has been a good 28 hours since then, and I still haven't had watery brown stuffs coming out of my ass, so I think it worked out well)

See the thing is, I hate it when people waste food. My mum allowed me to work in the kitchen and cook my own food since I was 8. She had only two rules. That I cleaned up everything, and more importantly, that I ate everything I cooked...no matter how foul it tasted. As long as it was no longer raw, I had to eat it. Fair deal, I thought.

I loved experimenting with food and ate everything - tasty or otherwise. I melted cheese on my fried rice and put peanut butter and honey in my french toast long before those Kim Gary dudes (and now, seemingly everybody) did. And that was also the reason why in Primary school scout camp, my group was the only group which managed to cook edible rice.


As I walked out of the kitchen carrying my plate of pasta back to my room, I passed him in the living room.

"Ah...smells better.."

"Yups.."

"What did you cook?"

"It was the same dish you saw me cooking.."

"Oh."

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Thursday, October 13, 2005

i am coming home

I could go on about how the companies don't like applying for work permits for non-EU citizens. I could complain about how the job market here is saturated with mechanical engineers. Or, I could resign myself to the fact that my results maybe weren't good enough or worse.........that I just wasn't good enough.

Never mind that I really wanted to stay. Never mind that it would have been a great thing working in a different culture, and more importantly, earning big bucks. Truth is, above all...I love it here. It has been my home for 3 years. I am not prepared to leave, not just yet.

Two weeks more.

Two weeks before I leave this place, not knowing when I will ever be back. Two weeks before I turn my back on the place of my greatest moments in recent time. Two weeks to the start of a new chapter. Above all, two weeks before I finally get to be back.

Home sweet home, eh?

I can smell the belacans already...

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Tuesday, October 11, 2005

chicken and egg

Now that it's Ramadhan, I have an age old chicken and egg situation which is pretty interesting considering the fact that we pride ourselves to be a very tolerant multicultural society.

I remember an occasion in secondary school when I was playing football as I usually do after school. After the game, I automatically grabbed my water bottle and emptied its contents into my thirsty mouth. In an instant, this Malay bloke (whom we affectionately referred to as Betik) shouted at me. Betik insisted that it was rude to drink in front of him because he was fasting. He said that I should drink behind his back, so as to not tempt him.

Sure, it was a comment made by an irate 16 year old kid but since then, I made it a habit never to openly eat or drink in front of a Muslim person when he was fasting. Common courtesy, I thought. I don't see myself fasting for half a day so I should make it easier for the guys who are fasting, yes?

~~~~~

It was the first day of Ramadhan and I was happily munching away at a KitKat bar in front of Kay. She was staring at me (or rather, the KitKat bar)....and then I realised...

"Oh sorry dude. Forgot you are puasa-ing"

"Sorry for what?"

"Sorry for eating in front of you la"

"You're not puasa-ing....you wanna eat, eat only la..."

I still felt bad and went out of sight to finish the KitKat bar, but I also realised that not everybody was like Betik. Some people are not as easily offended. As Kay said, I was not the one fasting. As such, I was free to do as I wished...

But here's where the interesting bit comes up. As a multicultural society, we know of each other's taboos and religious practices. So....

Should a non-Muslim be tolerant of the Muslim person's believes and not eat a juicy fried chicken in front of them during Ramadhan? Or, if you look at it the other way, should a Muslim be tolerant of the fact that the non-Muslim is not fasting and hence can eat as and when he likes?

Also, if you want to take it a step further, I could also cite the situations in schools and offices in Malaysia. It is well known that you are not supposed to bring pork to school for your lunch because there are Muslims around, and hence you should be tolerant to the fact that pork is non-halal. Or, should the Muslims be tolerant to the fact that the other races do not have a taboo against it and should be able have the freedom of bringing whatever food they wish?

And so, we arrive back to the chicken and the egg.....

Which came first?

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Sunday, October 09, 2005

spam is healthy

Dear Spammers,

I would like to thank you profusely from the bottom of my already black heart for leaving me with multitude of compliments with regards to this blog. It is comforting to know that a professional dog trainer, a car insurance salesman and various other kind folks out there think that this blog has quality material. It is good to hear that you guys bookmarked my blog, and since you promised to return for more, this message (I know you are reading it) is for you.

I would also like to use this opprtunity to politely decline your offer of the services you provide. I do not generally care about dog obedience, and I do not have a car. I do, however have fascinations with Anna Kournikova and Jennifer Love Hewitt, as a couple of you have shrewdly pointed out, but I would also have to decline your offer of joining your stalkers club as I wish to keep my fantasies about them private and preferably on my bed.

Another word of thanks goes to the blokes out there who worry about my health. I am a very healthy 21 year old with a perfect BMI, although maybe a bit of a damaged liver due to my excessive drinking, but I do not require cheap vitamins as my parents have already taken care of that problem for me. And no, joining Alcoholics Anonymous is not something I wish to be doing anytime soon. On the issue of the size of manhood, thank you, dear stranger, for your concern but I am quite happy with its size (and last I heard, so was a particular Ms Katherine Lee) and do not wish to invest in pumps or herbal medicine from the jungles of Amazon.

It feels really nice to get constant checking-ins from you guys, which is why I refuse to activate the word-verification thingy that almost everybody is using these days. I do not wish to trouble my readers (and myself) to type in a few more alphabets everytime we want to comment as I think it is much easier to exercise my dexterity with my mouse and click delete everytime you fucktards post idiotic advertisements.

I hope I wasn't too harsh or rude to you, and hope you understand.

Kind regards,
Vincent Lau
Managing Director and Senior Editor
(part time Dictator)

B*tchingLOG...not a weBLOG

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Thursday, October 06, 2005

drunken obnoxiousness

When I woke up this morning and re-read yesterday's post, I had a laugh at myself for being so utterly incoherant. I spelt sincerely 'cincerely'. It wasn't on purpose in case you were wondering. I was also chatting with minishorts, and apparently I said a lot of stupid incoherant stuffs too.

Actually, I do tend to talk alot ordinarily but it seems that I talk a lot of crap when I am high. But you see, talking crap is harmless. It beats being obnoxious and getting bashed up. To date, I have heard a lot of cool stories of people starting fights because they can't keep their mouths shut. Sometimes it's damn funny because some people are by nature not malicious but turn into a monster when drunk

Here are probably the 3 funniest (or stupid, however you look at it) incidents that I can recall.

1) This one happened last night. The quotes might not be accurate since I heard this from a friend. This bloke went up to a group of 1st years who were standing in the corner minding their own business and shouted out, "Oi you all come here don't stand in the corner la. Give the guys some la. Come all the way from Singapore don't wanna give it to the guys then stay home la!" After that, a guy went up to him and demanded that he apologise to the girls. Our hero then retorted, "Fuck you la don't pretend I know you want to get some too!"

Resulting in : The guy slapped our hero on the head. I think the guy was a bit stupid. You should NEVER provoke a drunk person. Our hero would have pounded him if he was not held back.


2) One fine day when we all just finished Form 5 and decided to party by going out to drink (illegally since none of us were 18). It was in Souled Out in Hartamas. Stupid bastards sold us drinks anyway. My friend Joe got so pissed drunk that we had to help him walk to the toilet to take a piss. While pissing, he decided to peep over at an AhBeng. With a giggle, he said to the AhBeng, "HAHA! My dick is bigger than yours!"

Resulting in : AhBeng's face getting really red. He looked like the gangster type, so we had to apologise to him on Joe's behalf. Joe was still laughing as the AhBeng was washing his hands. We slapped Joe and dragged him out of there.


3) This involved that crazy assed Joe again. After 'some' drinks in Bangsar, and while walking back to the car, he started dancing on the streets waving his hands madly in the air. Just then, it started to drizzle. Joe, thinking that the rain was a result of his actions immediately felt a great spiritual connection with God, immediately threw his knees to the ground and with his hands spread out, he kissed the tar road while shouting "Allahuakhbar!" No, Joe is not a Muslim. He's a Hindu.

Resulting in : Nothing. Thankfully there wasn't anybody around since we were nearing the car (near some houses). We immediately picked him up, slapped him and dragged him back to the car. Stuffs like this can cause racial riots you know.

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Wednesday, October 05, 2005

i am high

I am quite high now so if there are typos don't bith about it ok. Well, you could bitch about it la but I would also ask you to fuck off..Anyways, I have a note for a cute chick I saw just now and since I am the famous Vincent Lau I think everybody reads this blog so ShortChick I know you are reading thiss......


Dear short chick,

I saw you stalking me just now at the club. Mahai everywhere I went you followed with your friends. I buy drink you queue up next to me. I dance with my friends you dance nearby. Actually hor, I thought you wer quite chune la. Short short cute cute can put in my pocket and walk around.

But then rite....you want to stalk me have some balls to come talk to me la. I would have talked to you nice nice. I would also have bought you a ddrink. Bet you never had a flaming sambuca before. But then hor....you want to talk to guys ar...don't go stand around your ugly friends la. If your unfortunate looking friends weren't aroiund I would have gone and tlaked to you.

So yeah.......next time la you come talk to me I buy you a flaming sambuca.

Yours cincerely,

Vincent the great

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Tuesday, October 04, 2005

the classics

I don't think having a Zealot's face is cool


For the last couple of weeks, my apartment has been a mini cybercafe. A couple of guys and I have been having our mini LAN-party here. Because we're pretty much ancient dudes who haven't played computer games in a bloody long time, we have to stick to games that we are familiar with. Starcraft has been awesome. Nope, its not even Broodwar. Just the plain old Starcraft V1.0.

And so we thought...what other ancient game were we familiar with that we could play? No World of Warcraft crap. I personally hate Warcraft because I think the concept of the heroes is quite stupid. We preferred a game where we can whack people with crazy brute force. And so, for the last 1 week, we have been downloading at the constant rate of 1kb/s a 1.5gig file of the coolest ever classic strategy game...



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Monday, October 03, 2005

dried sotong

I was emptying my wastepaper basket the other day, and I stumbled upon the old pieces of tampons that I used for the tampon water absorbency experiment. I thought it would be interesting to show you guys what a used dried tampon looks like, considering the fact that probably nobody would have ever seen one.
(sidenote : Tampax says that you can dispose used tampons in the toilet bowl, so I presume that is what everybody does since it is more troublesome wrapping it up with tissue paper and throwing them into the bin.)

So here you go...


The top one is a normal unused tampon. The middle one was the one used for the experiment and the one at the bottom was the one which I soaked in the mug of water at the beginning.

Here's a closer look..


As you can see from the one in the middle, after drying out, they became pretty rigid. In case you were wondering how rigid.....its not that rigid that you can whack people with it, although whacking people with blood soaked tampons is disgusting enough whether or not it is rigid.

Cool, eh? Now you can go tell people you know how a dried out tampon looks like (although an actual used one should be brownish red in colour).

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