Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Blog Wars : Lesson 2 - How to Start a Fake Blog War

I guest blogged Lesson 1 on minishorts.net the other day. Indulge in that first.

Section 2.0 - Introduction

As pioneers of this awesome new art, Vincent and Minishorts are proud to burst the bubble on you noobs. We shall now take you through a step-by-step guide on how to start fake blog wars with your friends, how to make it believable and how to get random kaypoh people to join in.

Section 2.1 - Choosing your victims, rallying your troops, finding the bystanders

To start off, the easiest way to step on people's tail, is to not deliberately step on any tail. You just have to give your smart-ass unwelcome opinion on a particular existing fight. One thing might always lead to another, and crazy ass people will just jump on the opportunity to extend their claws in protection of their loved ones egoes. Even if you're off the net for half the day because of a no-brain DOS attack, you still remain the talk of the blogosphere for heck of a silly war.

A few success examples:

Specimen #1 - Kimberlycun
Anyway, yeah, I do dislike you lor. You know chinese say it's fated bla bla bla. Blog, no blog also same one I suppose.

Hot chick whos fights for everything (literally, EVERYTHING) had to quickly jump on the wagon seeing the chance of a possible new topic. MINISHORTS!

Specimen #2 - Shaolin Tiger
Perhaps the next big thing will be Minishorts.
See she has a whole new fanclub.

Hot chick's friend who calls her humpable, who has been posting lengthy comments, and who thinks minishorts might be, God forbid, the next big thing! How flattering.

Specimen #3 - Justine Chipped Blood Red Polish
Don't mind me though. Just being jeles that I'm not femes.

Blogging veteran who's finally decided to join in the fun. WELCOME HOME, JUSTINE! We've missed you for a bit, *snarl*. This girl is sharp, a very good writer we've been missing on PPS, and her friend, naeboo is the other hit that's rocking the island we call Singapore.

Specimen #4 - You're All Idiots
But then dunno why suddenly after we whores start up this blog and flame people to their face then suddenly all those kelefeh kiasu cunts try to follow and do the same. Soooo wannabeeee...kukuchiao copycats only.

Ok. You're really all idiots. Talk about kelefehs who join a bunch of kelefehs who are blogging about another bunch of kelefehs. But wtf. It was fun!

Hat's off to the above people for being great sports and eager beavers who're always ready to pounce on nonsensical crap.

The Self-professed Fence-sitters are bunch of delusional bystanders, who are too chicken shit to actually take a side. So they decide to sit on the fence. Oh obviously, there are just SO MANY self-professed fence-sitters with popcorn packs, and comment-droppers are guilty as well--however, the ones who dedicate posts to the issue with socio-political posts have to deserve a mention.

Jee Mee
Simon Talks

And then, we have The Peace-lovers, who dream of 'days-long-gone' when things were all green and chirpy. Oh well. Unfortunately, human nature isn't perfect, and we all love a good drama from time to time. Crap always sells, that's why readers love to read nonsense.

Bawang Merah
Curious George
Kucing Gatal

Section 2.2 - Choosing your battlefield

Just like we learnt in Lesson 1, a strategic location is important. All the more so since you are faking a war, the more spectators you get, the better. That is afterall your objective, isn't it?

For a fake war, there is no specific battlefield. Everything goes. As you have no doubt seen from Section 2.1, there will be a lot of spectators around. It is best you grab hold of a great big fan and start fanning the already ridiculous flames and encourage mini-wars on the spectators' blogs. A red hot poker would be ideal too.

Sarcastically comment on your 'enemy's' blog and shoot aimlessly on your blog. Agree with people who take your side and mercilessly flame those who don't. If possible, hack PPS and spray your war insignia there too. Although, it has to be said that that isn't really necessary because people would usually help you do that by pinging their half baked opinions on the war.

Section 2.3 - Going to War

Sometimes, you don't even have to go anywhere. All you do, is take out the popcorn, sit back, as people whom you know, and people whom you do not know, discuss YOU. At the same time, you observe, collect links, and then come up with a pow-ka-liao post like this one. Give credit where credit is due, and share the fun. It's called Shared Elitism, and we're all for World Peace.

Also, remember to try to stick to a very esteemed diplomatic stand on most things. When people say they hate you, you say, you love them. When people say they hope you go die, you say, 'Live, and be happy.' Please, the world is tired of hating and wars. Love one another, we say. We can always fight, but when we meet, shaking hands is obligatory.

After a long discussion regarding who we like and who we don't like, we have this to say: for whatever's happening right now, we really love every single one of you, because you guys write fantastically entertaining posts, as shown above.

Section 2.4 - Conclusion

Blogging is fun. It has always been fun. The day it stops being fun is the day we stop blogging. Behind the thin veil that is blogilitics and cliques there is also a large part of individualism required to add the spice to this blogging cauldron. We have shown you that blog wars can be made into something fun (and stupid) if applied accordingly.

An Internet life should remain in the Internet. When you log off the net and shut down your computer at the end of the day, you should be thinking about your wife and kids, not thinking of making new friends on the net. Worry about your house loan...not worry whether STRANGERS on the Internet like you or abhore you. You should be wondering what you are going to have for dinner, not wondering whether someone on the Internet vandalised your car.

This lesson in pointless warfare was happily brought to you by Minishorts, Vincent, and an unsuspecting bunch of curious cats who delightedly took the bait.


i like the conclusion, too bad you and your master have trouble practising them. cheers and it's just a blog, hun

Yes, dear menstruating one. Your point is duly noted. I shall discuss with my master how we shall proceed with our next phase to piss you off even more.

hehe, be my guest, lil vince. you've matured, i remember your master said so i'll expect nothing less :)

Yes, and I do recall you worshipping the ground I blog on before. Where's my char kuey teow?

i did? yeah, then you were such a manly man. didnt know your mental capacity would degenerate. i swear i wanted to marry you, was even going to sponsor our matrimonial bed and the charkuehteow. don't know what happened since you got enslaved by that master of yours, my lust went right out of the window :( best wishes to you, lil vince

Ugh! This is Disgusting. What I hate more than wars are fake wars for entertainment.

Potong Steam !!.We having BIG Bet who the loser. Diu

k.n.n : The loser? You guys! LOL...OWNED!

Master? Don't you mean mistress? ;)

master and slave? you mean, minishorts owns you? oh.

"Love without reciprocation is the worst torture a
human can experience."

kimberlypk's retribution for taking away 2 of xiaxue's endorsements = jilted and pwned by vincent
god dam u, im so loyal to xiaxue that u think im a loserr~

vincent ah, why kimberly wanna married u? did u only show her ur pic but not all ur commenters here? pls post up ur pic~


xiaxuefans: wah lan leh... where did you fall in from?

Hello today First of April ?.

Why u all damn kuai lan one? Stop all this fucking war la. You all lose my respect oredi.

Kena con, bleh. :P So which performance is next on the agenda?

yes micheal : minishorts owns vincent. at least that's what kimberly is trying to say.


Wow , her biatch ?! LOL

Kindly grow up.

yayayayaya im happier and more relaxed now..

london bridge..is..falling down...falling down...falling down....shaolintiger wearing green hat now...green hat now....his so-called "humpable" gf hv expressed lust and buy matrimonial bed for Vincent wakakakaka....shaolintiger and his so-called "humpable" gf is the talk of the m'sia blogsphere now...and forever....london bridge..is falling...down...falling down...falling down.....london bridge..is falling...down...falling down...falling down....

me hides behind Vincent from kimberlypk flamers


fred : I already told you...that's not my decision. Its already written in my DNA that I can only reach a maximum height of 5 feet 9 inches. I don't think I can grow up any more.

Such nonsense. All have fallen from grace and trying to pick themselves up! Grow up please!
I cant imagine why you guys would want to do all these nonsense - get a life!


If growing up and being adult means that I can't make jokes or play pranks, then I would rather much prefer to stay as a kid, thank you very much.

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