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Thursday, September 28, 2006

er, boo?

The flavour of the week (for me at least) is to write random stuffs and get you to adore it.

This YeeHou bloke commented down below that 'teehee' seems out of place in this blog. True, at first glance. But I reckon with Vincent, and the Vincent I am talking about here is the Vincent you meet everyday talking to you through some LCD monitor, with Vincent, you are never going to know what you get.

Today it can be serious stuffs. Tomorrow I will take the piss out of someone. Maybe the next day I write about tampons and pads. This is me. This is what I do everyday. My job on this blog is to entertain you, or dumbfuck you if that is what makes you high and floats your boat. I am at your service, see, because there is something wrong with this world and I do what I can to make random strangers happy so that I can score enough Brownie points to go sit on God's lap when I croak one day.

Everything works fine, see. If I tell you a happy story, you feel happy. If I tell you a sad story, you would realise that your life isn't as pissy as you think it is. If I bash socialists, well, we can all laugh at Micheal Moore and agree that it's quite funny if you aren't a socialist yourself.

Anyway, seeing as to how I seem to have some really sick and demented friends who seem to be willing to share their most twisted secrets (although most of the time, we gossip about other people's so-called secrets). Yes, in case you haven't already realised, I am an asshole. So the story goes, I heard a story a couple of days ago after which my reaction sounded something like, "YOU MUTHERFUCKER...I fucking hate you. Too much info, bitch!"

In all probability you did't quite get it, so here is another example. In Hicksville, I rent a single storey 3 bedroom house all to myself. Some new colleagues have asked whether they can stay with me, but I have turned them down. Everybody asks me why I choose to stay alone and I tell them that I love my privacy and since I can afford the rent, why not?

In truth, the reason I choose to stay alone is so that I can walk around the house nude.



So here's where you go...

EWW EWWW EWWWWWWWW

Fuck if I care what you think.




I was involved in quite a big project at work for the past one month or so, and being Field Engineers, we seem to compete with each other over who can look scruffier than the other.

Scratched and muddy safety boots? Check.
Uncombed messy hair? Check.
Crumpled t-shirt? Check. Torn? Check. Stained with grease? Check.

And because I am a lazy prick, I have decided to stop shaving (actually I still shave the cheeks and the neck since the stubbles of hair seem to grow slowly there they just look stupid).


this picture, taken 2 weeks ago is small, for obvious purposes

Which then brings us to a typical caveman speak:

HUARGHHHH!

Me man.
Me kill cow.
Me cook cow. Me comb facial hair. Me fuck woman.
HUUUARGHHHH!

I have since been told by certain women that facial hair is sooo not cool. One of them went to the extent of saying that facial hair will tickle her lips if we ever snogged (which she claims will only happen in my wildest dreams - HAH! some women like to kid themselves!) Sigh, some people just have a narrow tunnel vision. Facial hair tickling lips should be a good thing, no?

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

sod it

I was going to blog about my almost barbaric appearance due to not shaving in over a month, but I just heard a story from my friend, and so this is for those of you who know what I am talking about.

If you terasa, that's a good thing..

Racial harmony and racial integration will only work when people learn that not everybody is out to fuck them in the ass....

Duit haram your fucking backside la.

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Saturday, September 23, 2006

of nicknames and stuffs

I've been called many things since I started this blog some two and the half years ago. First I was some kind of sexist MCP who hated women (it so seemed), then I was an irrational person. That slowly evolved to a Mr Know-It-All. These days the critics seem to be gunning for MCA crony, and most recently, Vincent Abdullah (I still fail to see how those two go hand in hand).

But nicknames or stuffs like that have always affected us in life. Everybody in school had a nickname. Some of them with a reason, but most of them irrational. For instance, there was this friend of mine who was called Froggie, all because he burped loudly in class one day while the teacher was teaching. That name stuck with him the whole of his schooling life.

Then there was this guy who was called Betik, just because one day he brought a betik to school - God only knows why. I don't know if I could call that an irrational nickname but mine certainly was. Those blokes called me Cow, for some reason I can't seem to recall. Kids are evil, but that is how the world spins and I lived through my schooling days.

Some are just mean though. There was this guy of a pretty rojaked origin. The blood that flew through his veins were of Chinese, Indian, Portugese and Dutch origin. They could have called him anything, you know. Hybrid would have been the meanest in hindsight, but at that time King's Confectionary started a craze in Malaysia similar to the Rotiboy craze of a couple of years ago. And so his nickname - Portugese Egg Tart.

I was wronged too, in primary school because there was this seriously stupid kid who shared my surname. This was a kid who once came to school in the morning and went to the toilet. Only around 11am did the teacher realise that the kid wasn't at his place. Long story short, the fella pooped in his pants and locked himself in the toilet because his pants were quite literally full of shit. That would have been okay, because sometimes people do shit in their pants (ahem! you should read more blogs out there! teehee!). Problem is, the same idiot repeated his feat in a scout camp a couple of months down the road. He tried to hold his shit in for 3 days because most camping n00bs are afraid to use the toilet when camping. On the final day, he let it all loose in the tent, crapping all over the place.

This same kid had earlier in the year came to school one morning with gauze bandages on his face and arms after the Chinese New Year holidays. Some questions just need not be asked. And so because my only offence was sharing the same surname as him, everybody would go, "Hey Vincent, take care of your brother la! Why he so stupid one? Teach him properly can or not?" But that actually did mean something to me because I do have a mentally disabled brother, although the kids in school never knew that.

All this comes around because I was talking to my friend Monkey (real nickname here) about this last night. She got that nickname in uni, although I can't remember what for. It has been a shitty week, both at work and elsewhere, so this is for you, Monkey. Thanks for the first real laugh I had in a week.

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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

new day


The sun has set...

It's a new day tomorrow.

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Thursday, September 14, 2006

opinion

When you are having a long day at work, and sometimes things seem to be going badly, it is always wise to open the newspaper to the centrespread and read the opinions section. They never fail to amuse me. Sure, they sometimes piss me off, but when the anger subsides, I get to reassure myself that there are a shit load of other morons out there, which makes me relatively AWESOME.

Today I had a blast with The Star's centrespread.

UK must give work permit automatically


Since overseas students spend hundreds of thousands of ringgit to get a UK degree, the UK should be obliged to provide permit-free training until they are registered with their respective professional bodies.

I graduated with a B. Pharm (Hons) from the University of Nottingham a few years ago. Because of personal reasons, I came back to Malaysia without doing my pre-registration training in the UK.

Now I wish to go back for my pre-registration training. A few trainer pharmacists offered me placement but because of the hassle of getting a work permit, they have rejected me.

The Training and Work Experience Scheme (TWES) is to enable those to enter the UK to receive training which is not readily available to them in their own countries.

Since the overseas students receive their degree in the UK, they can be registered there only if they receive their training there.

They should be given TWES work permits automatically.

Cool, Malaysians have gotten bored of moaning that our goverment succumb to their every demand. Instead, they now demand that foreign governments should worship the ground they walk on. And if the world wasn't sick enough, I read a mail from the most irritating moaner, ever:

Malaysia's loss is UK's gain

I HAVE a master's degree from Imperial College and am completing my doctoral studies in Engineering Science at the University of Oxford in the UK.

I too face a similar dilemma as Sylvia Hsu-Chen Yip from Canberra, "We need to feel appreciated" (The Star, Sept 12). I am unsure whether I would return home after completing my PhD.

This is a similar dilemma being faced by many non-bumiputra Malaysians in the UK. I joined a Malaysian public university in the hope of being able to pursue my PhD abroad.

At the university, I learned that there were two staff study support programmes for postgraduate degrees, a bumiputra programme and a non-bumiputra programme.

I was so disappointed to learn of this that I left the university in three months. MARA used to give students loans to study abroad, and students used to only pay a percentage of the loan upon completing their studies.

If you had a first class degree, the loan became a scholarship. If you had a second upper degree, you paid 10% and so on. There were also loans for postgraduate studies, but I was not eligible for them.

I am currently completing my PhD through personal funds.

Anxious to find work to support myself, I was invited as a lecturer for Magdalen College, University of Oxford, in my first term at Oxford.

Even my supervisor was amazed by this, as he mentioned that it was unusual for someone to be invited to teach, having just arrived at Oxford.

Extremely pleased with the quality of my teaching, the University of Oxford asked me to continue teaching until the end of my studies.

I was recommended to Brasenose College, University of Oxford, which subsequently appointed me to a more substantial lectureship at the college.

Recognising the quality of my work, Brasenose College Oxford also asked me to help in undergraduate admissions in December.

I will be interviewing students who apply to study Engineering Science at Oxford.

My research has not suffered. My supervisor was surprised that I could not secure a scholarship, and is trying to secure funding for me from the British government.

I have also just been invited to settle down in the UK as a "Highly Skilled Migrant", a status granted by the British Home Office based on my education, experience and achievements at international level.

I really want to return home as I want to be with my parents and family. Unfortunately, as I need to repay the family loans which helped me to complete my PhD, I will be staying on in the UK to work.

I have been told that any company would be more than willing to employ me, what with a master's from Imperial and a PhD from Oxford.

I feel unappreciated in Malaysia. I could have contributed so much to the country, especially considering that Malaysia aims to become a regional education hub.

Malaysia's loss is UK's gain.

The whole mail is filled with nothing but, "Oh, I am great you know. I fed poor starving orphans in Uganda and helped a granny cross the road. Give me a prize already!" I particularly like the last sentence. Yes, I know I blow my own trumpet a lot, but I never ask for a prize dammit.

Never mind about what I keep saying about paying merceneries to come back. This one particularly irks me because I know the system in UK. A lot of the engineering PhD research is funded, either by the university, or a company interested in that particular field of research. I know this because loads of my friends managed to secure such fundings AND get paid allowances as well.

Now these friends of mine aren't even in super unis where obviously the Schools of Engineering are not as well funded, or do not have as much investment poured in by outside companies when compared to Oxbridge and Imperial. So when someone says they come from Oxford and if they really are as awesome as they claim to be, but can't get a scholarship/funding for their PhD, there is something not right here. I smell a fishy lie somewhere.

Of course after reading all the 'serious' stuffs, you can lighten up a bit by reading the funnies opinions people send in by SMS.




mayb i shud start toking lyke dis so dat u ppl wud tic me seriusly.

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Thursday, September 07, 2006

announcement

Vincent isn't really in the right state of mind to be humouring you ungrateful cunts out there.

I might be back tomorrow, depending on my mood.

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Wednesday, September 06, 2006

skewed logic

These things have been cropping up lately - and I wanted to blog about this 2 weeks ago, but Happy Malaysia was more important.



I was reading this stupid thing that has been in circulation about the supposed racist practices of Malaysia.

Among the points were - 2% of GLC staff are Chinese - or some bullshit like that I can't really remember.

That maybe true - I have no idea of knowing, but think about this. When I was a fresh grad looking for a job when I came back to Malaysia, I applied to every company I could think off. Jobs are not easy to get these days, you know. You just apply everything and see what you get.

But then every Tom, Dick and Harry came up to me and said, "Hey don't apply to the civil service! All Malays! Cannot climb one!" Another classic line "You apply to JKR?? You nuts ar?!? You know your skin what colour or not?"

Well, screw all of you la. The reason these companies have so few non-Malays is because most of them refuse to join in the first place - citing racial problems. I wonder who the racist is now...



I read a Marvin's blog today. Marvin seems to be angry a lot these days.

Anyhows, I read something written by another Marvin (well, one of the Marvins - I can't remember which one) the other day. He was saying that people who work for the civil service or GLCs or heck, anything to do with the government are government apologists/cronies.

Going by that same logic, I pity those unsung heroes who work with Indah Water.



On an unrelated topic, but also very skewed logic, a lot of people I know have 'tortoise emoticons' on their MSN nicks.

I asked a few muppets why, and most of them said it was because of Steve Irwin.

Hmm....but here's a thought. The bloke played with crocs, not fucking tortoises.

Let's get one thing straight, okay? Tortoises make good food, but they don't make good tribute icons, alritey?

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Sunday, September 03, 2006

project happy malaysia - story compilation

I would like to thank everybody who helped me publise this project of mine, and more importantly, the people who took a lot of time and effort into writing a great story. The stories, whether simple or elaborate, all served a purpose.

Never mind the people who would eventually read it - if it made you happy writing back and looking back at your childhood (which was the favourite theme for most people) then I am happy for you. We have to ask ourselves, and a couple of people did point this out - why is it that we could mix around with kids of all skin colour when we were growing up but somehow drifted apart when we grew up? Why are we so suspicious of the other race when these were people we played with when we were kids?

The point of this project, and I think most people got it, was that we need to learn to look at the bright side of things while acknowledging the flaws. Everybody needs someone they can look up to. Everybody needs a shining beacon to guide the way. Everybody needs an inspiration - a person or a situation they can relate to, and say, "Hey I can do that, too!". I hope these stories would inspire you to make this country a better place to live in.



Agoraphobia doesn't exactly have a story but he reminds us of our responsibility as a Malaysian...and he says it all in perfectly fluent Malay.

Alynna recounts a tale of kind Malaysians who helped her kid brother some years ago when he got lost in a supermarket.

Anttyk wants us all to know about Tawau (where's that?!) and his fellow East Malaysians.

Astrosurge in a two part series tells the story of his 'muhibbahness' when he was growing up as a kid, all the way to university and laments that mixing around with people of different races sometimes gets you segregated from your 'own kind'.

Ayuni relates the incident which opened her eyes and in her words , 'dah tak jadi judgemental dengan orang Cina lagi'. A well told story.

BawangMerah
has a meaningful story about being stranded in the LRT station and reminds us that there is a silver lining to every dark cloud.

Benjamin has a nice story where he recollects the time when he played around with kids of all races, and wishes that he relive the same all over again.

Chris tells his story of the times spent with his half-Malay cousin.

Cynical Idealist shares a heartwarming story her grandmother told her about a poor little Indian kid that she used to teach.

David Lai
got a pretty good experience out of a Moral Studies project visiting an old folk's home where they couldn't communicate with the folks.

Dila has a few short stories to share - about the kindness of people around, and wonders why we abuse everything about the country when a foreigner praised it 'to the sky'.

Din tells us the history of his immigrant parents and how Malaysia is a land of opportunity if we choose to work hard and not give up when the chips are down.

Eyeris has many reasons to be happy about Malaysia, in particular the food and the language.

Fireangel, true to her style, talks about the love-hate relationship of her home. Literally.

Galnexdor shares her Outward Bound School experience where she has 'a truly Malaysian moment'.

Jayelle shares her National Service experience. Look's like it is really fulfulling its purpose.

Jed has a memorable experience at a bus stop when it is pouring cats and dogs. A simple story, but the point is driven home.

Jen dedicates the whole post to the awesome mamaks we know throughout the country.

June reminds us that when it comes to helping the under-privilleged, charity does not discriminate the colour of one's skin as she was among the few Chinese in an Indian community fund raiser.

Lishun muses about breaking stereotypes with a cool 'foot in the mouth' story.

Maggie shows that racial integration is all up to us - it is just whether we want to do it or not.

Melvyn accounts an amazing story of a nice taxi driver who isn't all about the money.

Minishorts has a hilarious account of being chided by an air steward for not wanting to go back to the 'jungle'.

Miss Michy shares her story of growing up with a large Malay extended family.

MKSun pays tribute to his caring primary school teacher who has since passed on.

Monkticon had a pretty cool childhood mixing with kids of other races (and he even remembers their names!)

Pelf has an aptly named story called Terrapin Independence Day about, well, freeing terrapins!

Philters wrote probably the most beautiful story of spending Christmas on a longhouse in Bario, one of the remotest areas of Malaysia.

Reenzmi teaches her kid about patriotism while watching the Merdeka Day parade.

Revel-in-Me starts off her post with a quote "You do some more, Mummy sell you to the Indian man one ar...." Need I say more?

Scorkes recaps everything she CAN do as a Malaysian woman.

Simon has a list of things that he says makes everyday life in Malaysia a happy story.

Stev has a simple story of life growing up as a Malaysian.

Skay shares the muhibbah spirit as a kid growing up in Kota Bahru. I noticed that people who grew up in places where their own race is a minority tend to be very tolerant of other races.

Suanie sits in Starbucks where she reflects on life in KL, food, and happiness in general.

Tan Yee Hou reminds us that not all 'big shot businessmen' are as aloof as some people make them out to be.

Vincent relates the incident which changed his outlook and made him more understanding towards the other races, and the importance of not airing your dirty laundry in public.

Visithra has a simple, yet effective story on racial harmony.

Yasmin tells a tale of a kind Chinese shopkeeper who isn't all about the money.

Zyrin shares her story of neighbourliness which is lacking in today's fast paced society and reflects on what Merdeka means to her. Another good read, this.



I spent close to 3 hours reading and compiling the entire list, and my eyes are starting to see stars. My apologies if I missed you out - please leave a comment with the post permalink, and I will add your story to the list. If you know of a story that was written but is not on the list, please drop me a note as well. Thank you.

At last count - 40 stories.

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Friday, September 01, 2006

being a prick

I was supposed to compile the list of the Happy Malaysia bloggers, but that can now wait until I get this off my chest.

I just read something written by a few people who said that we would be better off under British rule and never gained Independence in the first place.

As far as common logic goes, there is a blurry line between what is outrageous and what is acceptable. You can say you hate your government - fine, that is your right as a citizen of a democratic country. You can even say you hate your country - I think it outrageous, but your preference is yours alone and I hope that you get the hell out of my country as soon as possible.

But to say that we shouldn't be Independent - to say that we would be better off under the rule of people who came to our land and took it away from us in the first place - that is a fucking travesty. It is unacceptable behaviour that shows nothing but disrespect everything and everyone associated with this country, or any independent nation for that matter.

Human history is plagued by wars fought by people desperate to be free, to be independent, and here we have misfits of society wanting to be under colonial rule. It goes against everything our founding fathers fought for, and heck if you can't associate your sovereignty with the Tunku, with Tun Tan Cheng Lock, or Tun Sambanthan, then at least respect the fact that not too long ago, your father...OUR fathers all lived in fear of communists - where truly people were afraid to step out of their homes in fear of getting shot. They didn’t plead to the English to take them back - they fought their way through the adversity and emerged victorious, yet here you are speaking from the comfort of your nice leather seat without a fear in the world that a bomb would literally drop on your head saying that you prefer to be ruled by a foreigner.

Would we be better off under the Brits? Maybe, but maybe not. Look around the world and you could ask the same of other countries. Would Brazil be better off under Portugese rule? Would the Indians under the Brits? The Phillipinos under the Spanish and the Americans? Maybe, but maybe not. It is not just us - people all around the world have in time fought for their independence - sometimes in blood, sometimes thankfully, in ink.

Today we have Palestinians willing to kill themselves to take back a land they feel is theirs, but here in Malaysia, we have fucking retards who whore themselves saying - "Hey, come back here...take what is ours - we would be better off that way, you know." Saying that you don't think we should have gotten our Independence is saying to all the people who spilled blood and sweat - in war and in freedom - it is saying to them, "Thanks a lot for everything, suckers, but no thanks!" Best you spit on the Tugu Kebangsaan while you are at it, you ungrateful miscreant.

There is a blurry line between loving and hating your country, loving and hating your government, and hell, you could say there is a blurry line between celebrating Merdeka because you mean it and celebrating it because it is a holiday for you. You can aruge over anything, but there is no argument to make about this - the fucking line cannot get any clearer. To say that we would be better off under colonial rule is sickening and unacceptable to the very core - no matter what walk of life you hail from.

I have called people many things in the past. But this has got to be the harshest. The Malays call it kurang ajar, the Hokkiens say bo ka si. Whatever the fuck you want to call it, it is nothing short of disgusting.

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