Monday, November 06, 2006

spot the not

Update : I have editted the sidebar - demoting and promoting (and deleting) some links. Go read the archives and stop bugging my busy ass for updates!

The story has it that my little kampung community in Hicksville threw a great big Hari Raya celebration yesterday. Growing up in the city, it is the stuff legends are made off. We read about things like that in Moral textbooks in school, but never once occured to me that shit like that actually happens these days.

It is exactly as the Moral textbooks describe it. Kampung folk getting together - the women scooter off to once corner and prepare food and gossip amongst themselves, while the men gather in one place honing the skills passed down from their ancestors. Cavemen ancestors, to be precise. No hunting wooly mammoths, I am afraid - just the part where we start a fire and burn some meat over it. And the kids, well the kids just run around playing with each other. And after that, everybody has a great big happy meal.

It was a pretty big occasion. I knew that they collected 10 bucks from everybody before the Raya holidays to get some patrolmen, so I figured that they used the remaining money to throw the feast. I also knew that they invited the MP for our area, so I figured that they got that extra funding from so-called 'tax payer's money'. I was wrong. I found out when I went for the makan that they actually collected RM25 from each family, but I was a specially invited guest since I am the only Chinese in the whole kampung (there is also one Indian family, and they brought muruku) and since it was a Hari Raya feast, we got a free invite.

This was a first for me, partly because I couldn't remember the last time I felt so out of place - not knowing many people and everything. It also doesn't take a genius reading my blog to know that I am not a very sociable person when it comes to meeting random people.

(Sidenote : just the other day, I screamed at a few random people, "you bloggers are fucking losers" because they were trying to get to know each other in an impromtu meet, and in the process tried to get me involved, thus making me extremely uncomfortable)

Anyways, this was in itself a whole new experience, but events of that night got even weirder. Here are a few short stories, of which only ONE is false. Take your pick and spot the not:

The MP was giving his speech, and to my best memory, this was part of what he said:
Saya amat gembira sebab tuan tuan dan puan puan berjaya bekerjasama sekampung untuk menjayakan sambutan Aidilfitri ini. Memang dalam dunia ini, kita tidak boleh duduk bersendirian, ya. Kita memerlukan bantuan jiran.

Saya masih ingat pada zaman sekolah dahulu, saya pernah baca buku Robinson Crusoe, ya. Dia duduk seorang atas pulau. Nak gandum, tanam gandum. Nak ikan, pancing ikan. Tuan tuan dan puan puan, amalan Robinson Crusoe ini TIDAK baik, ya. Kita tidak boleh hidup berseorangan dalam dunia moden ini.
Eh, fuck you la. You think you give speech in kampung, means all the kampung people uneducated issit? Cheebye, don't act all pompous here, okay? Mr Crusoe did not choose to live alone, you moron. He was shipwrecked, see. Besides, he had this black dude with him, no? Man Friday, I believe?

The ketua kampung then proceeded to give his speech, and this is part of it:
Jelas bahawa jamuan Aidilfitri telah mendapat sambutan yang bagus dari tuan tuan dan puan puan. Dengan kerjasama tuan tuan dan puan puan, ahli jawatankuasa ingin merancang aktiviti yang baru pada masa akan datang. Antara cadangan yang dikibarkan adalah upacara sunat beramai-ramai.
I don't care what anybody says, if they have that thing, I am fucking going to witness that damn thing. This reminds me of the Petronas ad from a few years ago with the usual political correctness of one Indian kid, one Chinese kid and one Malay kid. After a particular upacara sunat, the Indian boy asks, complete with the Indian accent, "Eh, itu dia potong dia kasi balik kah?"

We then proceeded to eat. One of the teenage girls brought along a friend, whom I presume is an exchange students of some sort, judging from the colour of his skin, and his very blonde curly hair kinda like a blonde Frodo. Almost 5 months in Hicksville and I have never seen a kampung girl speak English, until yesterday, when a group of girls fully equiped with an awesome Hicksville sounding British accent make Frodo the center of attraction, whilst ignoring all the other blokes around them.

Moral of the story : White man trumps all.

Midway through the feast, a woman made an annoucement on the mike, saying that she was taking over as the emcee:
Tuan tuan dan puan puan, saya akan mengambil tempat Doktor Shamsul sebagai tuan pengerusi majlis. Malangnya, Doktor Shamsul baru mendapat panggilan dari hospital, ya. Dia adalah doktor on-call, dan baru terjadi satu kemalangan jalan raya - ada sebuah kereta yang melanggar seekor kambing did Jalan XXX, lalu dia terbabas dan melanggar pokok.
One of my daily highlights travelling to work every morning is the inevitable dead carcass I will see lying on the road. If a motorist was kind, the said animal would be lying by the side of the road, but most of the time the carcass is left smack in the middle. I have seen the insides of pretty much every animal that you can find in hicktown - chickens, cats, dogs, goats, and even monkeys. I nearly ran over a whole family of monkeys once, but as a result of slamming my brakes, the lorry behind me had to slam on his as well and I thank my lucky stars that he did not crash into my ass.

So there you have it, a small collection of The Chronicles of Hicksville. Unbelievable, but true. Well, one of them is HALF true, so do your best and take your pick, you weird little town folk!



such a heartwarming tale of village togetherness

and the so-called modern man ;)

(spot the half truth here too!)


last one is false...i think.

Ho ho ho! I'll go for the goat story too. Cuz I bet it was a lembu instead.

And haha, I thought that kampung super Hari Raya celebrations were the stuff of Moral textbook legends as well!


fuxx.. this is some communal life gone wrong... but i want you to blog more about it, cos it really amuses me!!!!!!

robinson crusoe example was ze best, hahaahh jangan jadi macam dia.,,,,,,,


sj & jamie : Yeah, the last one was false......on the night. But the daily carcess sightings are real. There was a real story just the other day where this bloke on a motorbike avoiding a biawak on the road, he crashed into a tree and died.

lyn : I have loads of stories. If its not on the blog, I'll tell it over a round of beer and footie. Haha!


let's get back to the bit where you yelled at a gathering of bloggers.....conflict is more fun than muhibahness.

y u remove xx link becos i always use ur link to visit her blog *sob*sob*

i'm a stickler for neatness so...much neater sidebar! and, err, thanks for not, um, "demoting" me. lol.

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