Sunday, May 31, 2009

24 things you learn from 24

The best way to watch 24 is to wait for the season to end, and then watch all the episodes back-to-back.

If you watch 17 episodes in a single day, I guarantee you will dream of being Jack Bauer and killing people.

Watching the maximum limit for watching TV series on a 17" LCD monitor is 680 minutes. After that your eyes will start twitching. Which is why I stopped at 17 episodes and decided to read a book.

There has been a trend this year. All the great TV characters are insane. House is now in a mental hospital with his hallucinations. Sylar first has mother issues, then father issues and then goes through an identity crisis. And now we see Jack Bauer with his God complex. There's a difference between being a hero and being nuts. Jack Bauer is clearly nuts.

If Jack Bauer 'gives someone his word', expect that someone to get into trouble real soon and Jacko the Whacko risks everything to keep to his word.

If Barack Obama watched 24, he would know that you can't close down Guantanamo Bay. Humans have rights?!? Who knew?!!?

Things can't just go wrong on its own. There's always a traitor/rat/mole somewhere.

A 'safe room' isn't that safe afterall. You can still gas the ventilation unit and smoke out the pesky rats using a mixture household cleaning products.

No matter how great you think you are, no matter how powerful you think you are, there is ALWAYS somebody pulling your puppet strings.

FBI/CTU computer analysts are weird, akward people who have no life and have no idea how to act in a social environment.

The Hyundai Genesis (which has a cool LCD display on the dashboard) is the official car of the US government/FBI. Which explains why the American car companies are going bankrupt.

Those bad guys never learn...kill Jack Bauer when you get the chance, you dumbasses!!

Those beareucrats never learn...trust Jack Bauer no matter what he does, you dumbassess!!

The guys who seem uber evil in the first few episodes are actually sacrificial lambs. Even if they set off nuclear bombs or crash planes, their actions are actually irrelevant at the end of the day because there is a bigger plan being executed by smarter and more powerful people. Ironically, the smarter and more sophisticated guys always fail.

If you spot a minor character being a hero, chances are he or she is going to go crazy/get sacrificed/brutally murdered. The only hero that is allowed to exist on this show is Jack Bauer. Everybody else is a pawn.

If you spot a hot chick, don't start getting attached to her character because she is going to go crazy/get sacrificed/brutally murdered. Pretty women are usually pawns. Or bait. Usually both.

You can apparently control all the power plants and sewage treatment plants from remote control. I think this would greatly surprise my bosses as they have been told otherwise.

Apparently chemical/nuclear/power plant managers wear ties and long sleeved shirts to work. My boss would be amused.

All the Presidents of the United States have dysfunctional/crazy/irritating/incredibly stupid family members.

Before Jack Bauer can talk to a material witness/follow up on a lead, the said witness must get mortally injured and have only 5 sentences to say before he dies/lapses into coma/gets killed.

If someone has a list of important stuff that he doesn't want other people to see, he will put it in a microchip and implant it inside his body, and then Jack Bauer will at some point rip it out.

Elisha Cuthbert is incredibly hot, but she wins the award for the most annoying TV character, ever. For reference, please watch Season 1 and tell me you weren't egging on the bad guys to FUCKING KILL her already.

Stem cell research cured Jack Bauer from a biological weapon attack. How can members of the God-Fan Club possibly object to it now?!?

It's a good thing nobody is counting because I have ran out of stuff to say.


Thursday, May 28, 2009


Susan Boyle was over-rated from day one.

Sure, it was a novelty. Old, fat, ugly woman can sing....shocking! I must say I was pleasantly surprised when I first heard it, but then after you listen to it over and over again, and compare it with the original, you realise that she is no better than the hundreds of people who had auditioned for Fantine in Les Miserables.

And so, we get to the part of her latest performance - have you watched it? She sings Memories from Cats....and screws up the FIRST NOTE!! She does well after that, but screws up again in the middle and doesn't seem to be able to pull the higher notes.

Look woman, you got lucky the first time, but Memories is a CRAZZYYY song to sing! If you guys really are interested in Britain's Got Talent, then check out two other acts which I think should win - Diversity and Stavros Flatley.

I see NuffNang has started to re-introduce annoying pop-up ads.

Rich, I know, coming from a guy who has pop-up ads coming from his site counter. But its only there because I am too lazy to do anything about it and I like that site counter.

But sure, good on you guys. Ugly and annoying pop-ups in the corner of the screen is just as conspicuous as big ones that jump up in your face.

Note to bank managers:

If you are going to employ pretty sweet young things to sell loans, you really have to make sure they act with a certain level of professionalism. If I walk into a bank to apply for a loan worth a couple of hundred thousand bucks, I am certainly not going to pick your bank just because that pretty girl showing off her (nice) cleavage flirts with me and giggles at everything I say. She may be Olivia Wilde giving me a lap dance while making out with Megan Fox, but I still won't buy it if the deal isn't good enough.

Look woman, if you were street peddling a 3 ringgit keychain, I can understand your sales tactic, but this one really doesn't quite cut the cake. And ladies, seriously, if you want to be taken seriously at work, do yourself a favour and act appropriately.


Saturday, May 16, 2009

so unfair, boo-hoo-hoo

It is this time of the year where we have our usual bleating and storm-in-the-teapot row over JPA scholarships. Every year we get kids (and their parents) moaning about how the world is such an unfair place and how the evil, evil JPA has the audacity not to reward their 11As with an overseas scholarship.

Of course, this year, in an effort to rebrand itself, MCA has also taken an especially keen interest in this so-called 'injustice'. So here we have Ong Tee Keat going on and on about 'meritocracy' while conveniently forgetting that exam results are not the only indicator of somebody's merits.

If you have been following my blog long enough, you know that I have written extensively on this issue, about how I worked with, and met, loads of top scorers who can't string together a proper sentence when pressed. I've met kids who can't hold a proper conversation about issues outside of their SPM textbooks.

Take for example, this bloke who wrote to Lim Kit Siang complaining about the travesty of him not getting a scholarship:

The unfair PSD scholarship awards

by Lye Hoke Tan

The unfair PSD scholarship awards issue, it happens all the times. I graduated from Chung Ling High School in Penang at 2004. Before 2004, I didn’t notice much about this problem, I just heard it from my high school teachers complaint it to us, I didn’t know it was so serious until it happened to my friends around.


Click here for the full article.

Are you for real, kid?!!

In the first paragraph alone, I counted no less than FIVE grammatical errors! With your shitty English, you have the audacity to wonder why you were not considered for an overseas scholarship??!? And while I recognize that not everybody has a flawless command of the English language (I certainly don't) but if I was going to write a letter to an MP complaining about a perceived injustice to me, I will fucking make sure that I get 10 people to check my letter to make sure I don't make an ass of myself.

And that speaks volumes for the attitude of these so-called top-scorers doesn't it? Here we are giving our kids the impression that the world owes them a living just because they have the ability to regurgitate everything they read from a book. It teaches them nothing about life and nothing about exhausting other avenues to get what they need.

I received a forwarded email the other day with a long and exhaustive list of companies and associations (more than 50, I think) that offer full scholarships. Yes, JPA needs to revamp up their selection criteria, but for the public to think that these kids can wash their hands clean of any blame is just ridiculous. Fine, JPA may or may not have screwed you over. But if these kids are as good as they claim they are, then why can't they qualify for these private scholarships?

Nobody owes you anything. When you start working and see all these so-called injustices perpetrated against you, are you going to go running to your parents and the press? Are you going to see your MP because some bloke at work screwed you over? No, you fucking grit your teeth and find a solution around your predicament.

I've learnt that if you really are that damn awesome, people will tend to give you what you want. If you really are that damn awesome, things will come your way. Nobody will deny you something you trully deserve. If someone doesn't like you, someone else will. But if you find that the whole world doesn't seem to like you, then the problem doesn't lie with the whole world.

Quite simply, the problem lies with you.

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