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Friday, June 26, 2009

idiot

You useless, chicken shit IDIOT.

All the babbling and talking and talking and it all came to naught.

All because you screwed up. All because you didn't have the bottle to follow through.

You can make all the excuses you like, but at the end of the day, you messed up.

Your feeble excuses may have had some rational in the past. Maybe once, maybe twice.

But no amount of self consoling you do can justify this one.

For once in your life, you could have actually given your all.

You could have put in some effort.

What was there to lose?!

But no, you chose to screw up.

Now, stop walking around with your tail between your legs (at least that way there was something between the legs) and go fucking redeem yourself.

Idiot.

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Friday, June 12, 2009

two conversations

Between 2 women:

"Argghhh! I hate this bloody industry!"
"Long day at work, huh?"
"Fuck man, all the bloody men around. Nothing but horny men!"
"Why, what did they do?"
"I spent the whole day at the booth trying to sell the product, and the whole fucking day people kept talking to my chest!"
"Typical of men la..."
"I sit down they look, I stand up they look, I show them the product they still look!"
"Yeah, I know how you feel..."
"You know, if this happened at a bar it wouldn't be so bad. But this is serious work and I am explaining serious things! And even when they ask questions they still talk to my chest!!"
"Eurghhh!"



Between 2 men:

"Wahahahaha, eh dude just now at the exhibition right, got this woman at the Company X booth with damn big boobs man."
"Yeah got loads of those around, I think they employed models to man the booths."
"No, no this was one of their sales people. She was wearing white blouse with the top two buttons undone."
"Including the collar?"
"Oh, make that 3 buttons!"
"Whoah, that's even more teasing than a low cut top.."
"Yah, fuck man, I TRIED looking at her face. Serious. But right, damn fucking distracting okay. My eyes like automatically glance."
"Dood, put it this way la. They can bitch about how men don't look at their face when talking, but when they dress like that while working, they actually want people to peek. Otherwise they won't dress like that, right?"

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

of twitter and pointlessness

Did you know I am on Twitter?

Well, not me per-se, but our HantuBola thing is. This twitter thingy is confusing. TigerJoe and I are too much of dinosaurs to embrace new technology on our own. No prizes for guessing who started forcing new technology down our recalcitrant throats.

As I was saying, it was confusing. Do I need to pay for it? Why were all these people on Facebook calling themselves @katherinelee and @crapman? Was it some sort of email address that I missed out? Why are people telling me what they are eating? I have my own stress being stuck in traffic jams so what makes you think I want to share your stress when you are stuck in jams? And how are these people updating in the car? Oh boy, I have not been exposed to this much technology since I learnt on my second day of using the Internet that I could find (fake) naked pictures of Sandra Bullock.

Anyway, as I was saying - Twitter. Yes, so the fella started asking us to use it for HantuBola, which I thought was a pretty nifty idea since we could tweet (oh my, all the new terms!) when watching games and it was cool for taking the piss, which is crucial in football. Of course as you would expect, someone like me doesn't have 3G on the phone and even if I did I was not about to pay whatever the going rate is. So anyway, I signed up for my own twitter account (@vbglau - DOH, whatelse?!) so that I could get onto @hantubola (yah, I thought I needed to - sue me).

To cut an already long story short, I have a twitter account which I have never ever used or sent out a tweet. BUT. Vincent, being Vincent, already has 4 followers - 3 babes and a dude (HI!!!!! *waves frantically*). It's actually quite good knowing that I still have a few readers here despite occasionally spewing out my dosh.

As for the apparently pointless dosh that is Twitter, please, feel free to follow @vbglau. Who knows? I might start tweeting one day when I get 20 followers or something (despite not using it at all). It may be pointless, but that's what I said about Facebook.

But speaking of pointlessness, have you fellas heard of the 1BlackMalaysia campaign?

What (I think) started as a statement of intent by these weird people by organising candlelight virgils to protest the Perak takeover then just got sillier and sillier (not that I think a bunch of people standing by the roadside holding up candles is genius stuff). But, as I keep saying, you are free to practice your civil liberties however you see fit as long as you don't cause chaos and you don't disturb the people who have no intention of buying into your cause.

So that's why I never did comment on the candlelight virgils (even though our police had other ideas). And then these fellas started wearing black to 'mourn the death of democracy'. Now, this started to annoy me because I like wearing black but I would like to have nothing to do with this idiotic campaign. See, I don't like walking down the street wearing my favourite black t-shirt and have people look at me and go "hmmm is he mourning the death of democrazy too? Or is he just some clueless TWIT (ah hah! see what I did here?) who likes black?" How convenient of these people to choose such a common colour and involve people who have no intention of joining the cult.

See, if they really wanted to make a statement they could ask people to wear a pink fedora with a peacock feather hanging off the top. That way, not only they can be sure that it sends a STRONG message, but the organisers get to raise funds selling the fedoras. After all, Malaysiakini needs to get its funding from somewhere, no?

And then it just got downright ridiculous.

Now, these guys are planning on wearing black, going to the local kopitiam and ordering Kopi O. Are you muppets serious?! What is wrong with you people? Telling me that you are stuck in a jam with @koneman and @crazyhorse after having lunch in SS2 with @ahbeng is pointless, but this is a whole new ball game. What is your objective? What do you want to accomplish? What is the endgame? What possible good can come out of this? You're making a statement? Remind me again - What statement is this?

On a sidenote, while I do not agree with this jump ship nonsense in Perak, people would do well to remember that that bloke Anwar started all this nonsense in the first place. Unlike the average Malaysian who has a memory span of 1 year and the average Anwar fan club member who has a memory span of 2 weeks, I seem to remember all those promises of taking over the government. I seem to remember a trip to Taiwan. And I seem to remember what happened 3 days before Perak fell.

But never mind all that.

Back to the Kopi O party. I suppose the mother of all pointlessness would be:

@democrazyman is with @dungu and a bunch of people at Old Town Kopitiam still waiting for our kopi O. Wish da Banglas wud hurry.

And then I started thinking. With this twitter thing, being pointless is not the whole point. It seems fun, doesn't it? Why did people play with that Tamagochi nonsense? Simple, pointless, mindless fun. So is Twitter, I suppose.

So perhaps I shouldn't be too harsh on these idiots then. Perhaps they are just a bunch of people who got together one day and decided, just like in school, that they should dress the same (only without the baggy jeans and long chain hanging down the pockets), hang out in the same place (you were a dork if you weren't in Sunway Pyramid every weekend) and while doing that they would 'stick it to the man' by drinking their kopi o's.

I suppose, if that's their idea of fun, then I should be okay with it. But if they are deluded enough to think that they are making a statement...well, let me put it this way. The 15 year old Goth wannabe with black eyeliners and emo-hairstyle outside Central Market thinks he is making a statement too.

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Tuesday, June 02, 2009

now that you're 25

There's a great article which you should check out. It talks about what you should do when you hit 25. At this point, I should write a great introduction, but my boss tells me that when something is already great, one should just 'copy shamelessly'.

If you have reached the age of 25, I have a bit of bad news for you, to wit: it is time, if you have not already done so, for you to emerge from your cocoon of post-adolescent dithering and self-absorption and join the rest of us in the world. Past the quarter-century mark, you see, certain actions, attitudes, and behaviors will simply no longer do, and while it might seem unpleasant to feign a maturity and solicitousness towards others that you may not genuinely feel, it is not only appreciated by others but necessary for your continued survival. Continuing to insist past that point that good manners, thoughtfulness, and grooming oppress you in some way is inappropriate and irritating.

This then prompted me to write my own list, and although I am not 25 yet, therefore making me a pompous and preachy twat, I think this is how full grown adults should behave once they hit 25 (preferably before) :



1) Stop camwhoring on your blog. Seriously. It used to be cute when you were in school or college or university. It used to be funny/sexy the way you attracted (stupid) guys to your blog by posting 100 pictures of yourself in 100 different poses. It used to be. Not anymore. Why? Because chances are, somebody at work is going to recognize your face. Worse still, if a customer of yours recognizes your face. Would you walk into a bank and buy unit trust from a clearly unstable woman (you can tell she's unstable because you read her blog) who plays dress-the-clown-and-take-pictures in front of the mirror?



2) Be knowledgeable, dammit. Read more books. Watch the Discovery Channel. Cancel your subscription to E! and start watching CNBC. Nobody cares that you can talk about your university textbooks. Nobody outside work cares about what the details of your day-to-day work is. People want to have a conversation about general stuff. How is it possible that the world is in its worst recession since the 1930s but most working adults can't tell you why?

And it isn't just the serious stuff - it is totally unacceptable that you think Homer only exists in the cartoon and don't know who Martin Luther King is. I am not saying you need to be an expert in Queen, but if you never heard of Freddie Mercury in your life, something is clearly wrong with you.

Like it or not, politics (local AND global) dominate a lot of business small-talk, so start reading the newspapers, dammit. You are encouraged to read Malaysiakini to get a different view, but no matter what Anwar Ibrahim tells you about mainstream news being biased, you have to bloody read it as well.



3) Please constantly remind yourself that you are no longer a 15 year old who broke into daddy's liquor cabinet. If you go clubbing or go out for drinks, this isn't your first time (you are excused from this point if you are 25 and it is your first time) and isn't your last time (you are also excused if you are suffering from a terminal disease) tasting alcohol.

Control yourself, dammit. It is fun getting high and saying all sorts of silly things, but fun party girl stops being fun when she starts puking everywhere and people have to hold her hair back as she hugs the toilet bowl. Know your limits. Surely you have been boozing long enough to know how much you can hold in before you start puking. And if you are a girl it's even worse if you are the type who passes out in a party. The men may be assholes. That's their sin. But you don't be an idiot. Look after yourself.



4) Oh, and girls, just so you know, pink blouses matched with a shocking pink skirt and a fluffy pink handbag does not belong in a professional setting, unless you are a dancer or a stripper. Leave your pink fetishes at home. You are a full grown woman and if you want to be treated and respected by your peers, then stop dressing like a tart. Don't try to 'manja' your male colleagues so that they do things for you. That's the role of your (stupid) boyfriend. If you need something done for you, ask properly. Do away with the childish giggles and batting of the eyelids.



5) Don't squeal. If you think squeaking is 'cute', you need to slap yourself in the face. The aim is not for people to think you are 'cute'. The aim is for people to take you seriously. And if you have a natural high pitch voice, train yourself to speak with a lower tone. Get rid of that Tweety Bird voice. Yes, it can be done. Margaret Thatcher had a high pitch voice when she started off as an MP. By the time she became PM, she had refined it to sound less irritating. If people feel irritated with the way you talk, nobody will take anything you say seriously.




6) This one is a little rich coming from me, but Boys, if you don't have a suit, buy one. It's about time you owned a nice pair that you can wear to formal functions. Unless you work for McDonalds, chances are you will need it sooner rather than later. It doesn't have to be uber fashionable, something that fits and looks presentable is enough. Don't borrow your friend's suit, don't even bother renting one - you can get an acceptable 2 piece suit, a good shirt, a tie, cufflinks and shoes for RM1000 during Malaysian MegaSale. And no, that's not expensive if you know how to spread your expenses.



7) Which brings me to the next point - you're no longer a kid who blew his pocket money on the Dragonball comics. You're a bloody working adult who should have already mastered a simple concept called 'budgeting'. As a friend, it's not fun having to constantly listen to you moan about your lack of funds while you splurge on a new set of rims or your 25th pair of shoes. What do you mean you couldn't resist the "SALE" sign? Are you a 5 year old kid raiding the cookie jar?!

Because it is not cool that you don't return my call because your phone 'ran out of credit'. Jeebus, are you still in college?! Don't you have at least 20 bucks to spare for your phone? Do yourself a favour and carry cash in your wallet in case of an emergency. No, 10 bucks is NOT considered 'cash'. 10 bucks buys you jack-shite these days.



8) You are not God. Lose your God-complex. If you are sick, stay at home. Your office will not crash and burn in your absence. The Earth will still keep spinning on its axis. The sun will still rise in the East and the birds will still keep chirping away. Life goes on. Your colleagues are not helpless twunts who will die if not graced by your presence. Believe it or not, they WILL get on fine without you.

Resist the urge to boast to your friends that you work until 10 pm every night and have to bring home work every weekend. That's not hardworking - that stupid and inefficient. What the hell were you doing during office hours? Chatting on MSN? Uploading your photos on Facebook? You're not projecting the image of a good worker - you're telling the world that you can't finish your work within a reasonable time.

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